Tell them, tell them, tell them. Fuck you, Tobin. You're too weak. You need to tell them. No. 

"Tobs, come on," Perry said. She draped an arm around her younger sister's sweatshirt covered shoulders and pecked cheek affectionately. The family (Cindy and Jeff: the parents and Katie, Perry, Tobin and Jeffrey: the kids) were hanging out and eating tacos in the Heath's living room. Actually, everyone had taken their tacos downstairs to look at the newly redone basement while Tobin and apparently Perry were left behind on the couch with only their chicken soft shells and the John The Cat to keep them company. 

Perry, being an older sister, knew something was upsetting Tobin. "Tobs, come downstairs and look at the basement."

The midfielder shook her head, her eyes not straying from the soccer game playing on TV. Perry frowned and looked at who was playing. It was a NWSL game, the Seattle Sounders vs the Boston Breakers. To put it lightly, the score was four nil, and Seattle was crushing. Though the brunette usually loved watching soccer, Perry knew her favorite team was the Portland Thorns, and she almost never watched any games besides theirs. The woman could remember a time a couple of years ago when Cindy and Jeff, the girl's parents, were tube surfing through the channels and they came across a Sky Blue vs Houston Dash game. Being from New Jersey, the adults had wanted to watch it, and they asked Tobin if she would like to watch. 

The midfielder looked up from her phone and had simply asked who was playing. When she heard, it wasn't Portland, the girl didn't even attempt to move into the living room. 

When Tobin didn't respond to Perry's invitation, her sister tilted her head in confusion, deciding to try something different. 

"Wanna go for a walk around town?" Perry asked, finally giving up and sitting down next to Tobin. 

The girl looked at her. "With you?"

The remark kind of hurt, but Perry let it slide. "No, not necessarily. You could go by yourself," she said calmly. 

Tobin smiled for what seemed like the first time in forever. "Okay. I'll be back soon."

Perry grinned softly as a grin lit up her face, feeling weirdly accomplished as the door shut behind the  younger girl. 

-

As the brunette walked down the adjacent sidewalk to her house in Basking Ridge, snowflakes started to fall. Throughout her childhood, Tobin always thought winter in New Jersey was the most beautiful thing ever- the way the soft, delicate snow coated the barren landscape, bringing out the dark green evergreen trees that lined most of Basking Ridge, seeming impeccably angelic as the sight produced a euphoric glow that exploded in everybody's hearts. 

Everyone always seemed happier around the holidays, enjoying the freedom to sleep in, shop, and cuddle inside with a mug of steaming hot coco. 

This winter was no different. Well, everyone except Tobin.  

Tell them.

As the midfielder trudged through the inches of snow that had already been on the ground, a heavy ache rested in her heart, chest and mind. If you took a ball of darkness, put it in a smoothie blender and dropped in three tablespoons of stress, seven cups of heartache and one liter of emptiness, that compared pretty exactly with the cloud hanging over (and in) Tobin. 

Carols rose from a bright yellow house that Tobin passed and she knew "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" would be stuck in her head for the rest of the vacation. 

She stole a quick glance into the yellow house's window and smile weakly as she watched a young girl with a huge grin run into an older man's arms, laughing along with him. The two fell to the ground, laughing and the man (father?) kissed the girl on the forehead. 

Tobin in took a breath and kept walking. The image brought up too many euphoric memories of when Tobin came home everyday after school, and her father, Jeff would hug and kiss her and then stir up a pot of boiling Mac n'cheese, saying "Tob and I are having a Mac attack!" Her mother would roll her eyes at the too, clearly fighting back a laugh that was soon to be let free. 

Her father wasn't like that anymore. Tobin used to be herself so openly in front of her parents. She couldn't do that anymore. Ever. Tell them.

Shivering slightly from the cold, Tobin absconded into the tiny drugstore, breathing a silent sigh of relief as a rush of warm air brushed her baby hairs back. She tugged off her gloves and stuffed them in the pocket of her now soaked North Face jacket. 

There was nobody in the CVS, except for an elderly woman standing behind the cash register. She looked impeccably bored, playing with her chipped bright pink nails, glancing up with a big smile as she saw Tobin enter. 

"Hi there, honey!" she said cheerfully, her wrinkled eyes bright with hope.

Tobin mumbled a hello in response and the woman's face fell, knowing she wouldn't be making a new friend that day. 

Turning away from her, the midfielder paced into the back of the store, where she found the girl's cosmetic section. Scanning the shelves, the girl picked up two fresh razors, a new stick of mascara, a box of tissues and a pad of paper. 

She brought everything to the front, dropping it off on the counter. Judy, the cashier, looked at her for a minute before shrugging and checking it out. 

"Is it okay if I use the bathroom?" Tobin asked, accepting the bag from the woman's hand. 

Judy smiled, grateful the young woman wasn't leaving yet.

"Of course honey! I'll unlock it for you. The store is actually about to close, so I'll just wait till your done and then lock up."

"It's okay," Tobin paused, "Uhm, Judy. I'll just go and then leave once I'm done. You don;t have to wait." 

Judy debated the options for a minute. "Hun, that would technically be against-"

"Really. You can trust me. I'll be fine." 

The woman smiled thankfully, pulling Tobin in for a tight hug, the mid not expecting it leading to her patting the cashier awkwardly on the back.

"Thank you so much, dear. I really appreciate it!" Judy beamed.  

Once the old woman was gone, Tobin slipped into the tiled bathroom. She didn't come out. 

-

a/n: My crush was standing in front of me at tryouts today, and I was dying inside and she turned around because I accidentally kicked my ball at the back of her shins and she smiled at me and akjhkbdkfldfbvdlwf