Ruth didn't panic often.

In fact, she could name the number of times she panicked on one hand in her entire life, and in no particular order.

1. Telling her mom she wanted to take a gap year and then move to Oklahoma for college to be closer to family.

2. Filling out the NYU application

3. Realizing she was into both girls and boys.

4. Telling her first crush Madison that she wanted to take her to the 8th grade formal after that revelation

5. Hearing the awful news that someone she loved was gone before she could even get the chance to know him.

Sure, Ruth's had anxiety numerous of times, particularly stemming from the rocky relationship she had with her mother, but nothing specific that would make it make the list. Nothing her mother had ever said or done to her could have prepared her for number six on the list that forced her to finally use her other hand.

Telling Raffo the truth about getting into NYU. And that she was set to begin her courses in May.

She was absolutely terrified for his reaction to her news, and even went as far as avoiding the conversation for the rest of the week. She promised herself that she'd tell him before Friday, but Friday had already arrived. Their school was going on holiday the following week, and though she would hate to start it this way, it would be better than starting it with her continued lie.

Ruth didn't think telling him at the basketball courts would be the best idea, but her cousins were home and she couldn't think of any other place to tell him. The courts were their comfort. The place they built their foundation of trust on multiple occasions. It was where their bridge of foundation was born and she hoped he'd remember that when she goes in for the kill.

They've had such a great week that she almost talked herself out of being honest one too many times. She even had to shove her fingers into her jacket's pocket to keep from visibly shaking and refused to stop walking back and forth beside their usual bench. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think.

She had half a mind to walk back to her car, hop in, and spend the rest of the night with her cousins.

"Ruth?"

Well, there went that plan.

Ruth's heart jumped dangerously in her chest as she spun around. She swallowed thickly at the frown twisting Raffo's perfect lips and the pushing together of his eyebrows, but she expected his confusion. She welcomed it, actually. It was much easier to take than the thought of his anger.

Being there with him killed her, but she had to suck it up.

Raffo, watching her face much too closely, went to move closer to Ruth. She, however, took a hesitant step back and tried to keep her distance, knowing he was going to want space very soon. Raffo blinked at the action and stopped himself from moving any closer.

"Did I—" he started, then paused. "Did I do something?"

Ruth smiled, but it felt more like a half-hearted grimace more than anything. Of course he'd assume it was something he did. Not only was her text a little suspect, but nothing had been wrong between them- not since he explained what happened with Roger.

"No," she confessed. "I—what I have to tell you has nothing to do with anything you've done. I promise."

That didn't bring Raffo any relief. It only baffled him further.

"Then what's wrong?" he frowned. He respected her space enough not to move closer, but by the clenching of his fingers at his side, it took every ounce of willpower not to be beside her while she was obviously distressed.

She was being dramatic. She knew that. But the thought of parting with this vital part of her soul was unbearable to even imagine. Most people wouldn't take these feelings seriously, maybe claiming that what they had was puppy love that had barely begun. They probably thought getting over someone they've known under six months was easy.

But easy was far from the truth.

To Ruth, there had never been another remotely close to what Raff meant to her. And to leave him in five months would destroy a part of her, no matter the timeline. Their love was real and all the emotions he enticed out of her only intensified her feelings. It would be easy if Raffo was an asshole or did something wrong, as selfish as that sounded.

They still could have time together, but the thought of time ticking away and feeling that dread made her throat tighten. What was one supposed to do when there's an expiration date on something so wonderful?

"I just thought it wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell you about . . . some news I had gotten," Ruth started, shuffling uncomfortably on her feet. He paused.

"What kind of news?" Raffo's voice was gruff, probably thinking the worst. His gaze swiveled over her body, searching for an unseen injury of some kind, and she almost smiled at that.

"Well . . . December's next week and I just—I can't hide the news from you anymore," she said. She swallowed down the ball that continued to rise further up her throat and finally blurted it out. "In May, I um—I might be moving to New York City. To go to NYU."

Raffo froze.

At first, her words took a moment to register in his mind. They didn't make much sense and left a wide eyed, mouth gaping man in return. She watched the words churn in his mind like one would watch someone having a nightmare. Puzzled and unsettled in the beginning, but then when she thought the worst of it was over, her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. Bile twisted in her abdomen like vines around her organs.

Ruth had expected his anger.

But she'd been wrong.

She didn't get his rage like she thought she would.

She got something much worse.

As if telling him wasn't painful enough, she watched Raffo's features contort and crumble, revealing the shell of the man he'd been when he was grieving his grandmother. He slowly shook his head in disbelief and the color all but drained from his face. He stumbled an uneven step back as if she had physically slapped him, which at this point, would have been a much less painful option.

Ruth wanted him to say something- anything. Shout at her if he must, tell her he was disgusted by her presence, something. Anything. His words would be better than the deafening silence pushing in her ears like cotton balls. She could hear the rapid shuddering of her breath and the loud thumping of her heart as she fought to try and stay still. The anxiousness coursing through her fingertips made her hands shake even more and she resorted to shifting from foot to foot to release the tension.

"You're leaving?" Raffo finally whispered, drawing back Ruth's attention.

Ruth bit her lip. She had said might, but the more she thought about it, the more finalized her decision seemed to be. New York was her future. Just as her cousins had reminded her, it had been everything she wanted for a long time, and Emily contributed to making her see that. All week Emily was already looking into apartments they could share together and found great restaurants by campus that they could go to. Emily's support during the week and coaxing had made her more sure of that decision.

So, as much as it destroyed her to, she forced out a feeble, "Yes. I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out . . . but—"

"You never even told me you applied to NYU," he interrupted, his voice low and his eyes narrowed in accusation. "I don't remember you mentioning anything about New York at all."

Ruth swallowed. "I—I didn't know how to tell you."

"You didn't know how to tell me that you never wanted to stay in Oklahoma?" His blunt question made her visibly cringe. "That you always planned on leaving? How long have you known about getting accepted, Ruth?"

She hesitated, the guilt nearly pummeling her to the ground. "Since Sunday."

Raffo scoffed under his breath. "Sunday," he echoed, gaze vacant.

"I never meant to hide it all from you, Raffo. I just didn't want anything to change between us. And it doesn't have to! We can make it work still—you can come with me! To New York City!"

She shouldn't have asked. Fuck, it was selfish of her to do it. But she had to. She couldn't give up this opportunity, nor could she give up Raffo. She had to say anything she could to get him to agree to come with her and live their life in the city.

But, unfortunately, her words had the opposite effect. Something in Raffo's jaw ticked and his gaze darkened his expression. He breathed out a sharp exhale from his nose. "Ruth, you can't be ser—"

"No, seriously, Raffo. I'm being real right now. If you came to New York with me, there would be no Roger. You and I could figure something out together as for living down there. I have that scholarship money now and—"

"NO!" he bellowed. Ruth's eyes prickled at the sound, her nose stinging. "I don't need a fucking handout from you, Ruth. I told you I'm never leaving Oklahoma and I meant that. I thought you of all people would have understood why. Instead, you out here trying to change me to benefit you."

She bit her lip and she stared at him with a wild desperation. "Raffo, I do understand. You know me, you know I wouldn't ever try to change you. I'm trying to protect you. You can't keep staying around someone who abuses you, Raff! How could you ever think I'd want that life for you?"

Betrayal swirled in his heavy gaze. He took a step away from Ruth now, wanting more of the space that Ruth had already given him before she dropped the bombshell.

Why couldn't she just shut up already?

"So you're using that against me now?" Raffo said incredulously, his laugh sharp with disbelief. He shook his head and rubbed a hand down the side of his face, but Ruth didn't miss the way his eyes glistened. "To try and get me to go with you? Don't think for one minute that you're doing this for me. You act like you bringing Roger up is to save me when we both know you're just saying it to get me to go with you. I mean what the fuck, Ruth?"

A trickle of warmth coasted down Ruth's cheek as she shook her head hastily. "No, no, Raffo, that's not what I meant. I'd never do that to you. I want you safe, even if that means leaving the state. You may not care what happens to you, but I do!"

She pointed a hand to his abdomen. "Did you think I wouldn't see that bruise?" she demanded. "You aren't safe there, Raffo! And the only place that'll be safe for you is with me if we leave together. Please, please just come to New York. I know you'll love it if you just give it a chance."

"No," Raffo said, sharply. "This is what you want. You want something that's never going to happen to make you feel better about leaving. Well, I'm used to people leaving so I don't need your pity offer to make you feel less guilty."

Ruth's gasp was violent and tore her insides to shreds. She didn't think their conversation could go so wrong so quickly, and that was exactly what it did. Everything she said came out awful and skewed to her desperation to make him stay with her. He was who she wanted forever and she wasn't afraid to fight to be with him.

Even if it meant giving something up.

"Then tell me," she begged instead, her vision blurring as she lurched towards him. He backed away from her. "T—tell me to stay. For you—for you, I would!"

Raffo's vision flashed, his nostrils flared. "Fucking hell, Ruth, who do you think I am? You know I'd never ask that of you, even if you had no problem asking that of me! What makes this all worse is that you already know why I could never go with you. How can you fucking sit there and ask me to leave my family—my sisters with that asshole?"

Guilt replaced her selfish urges, knowing he was exactly right. Raffo would never ask her to give up her life to be with him. But here she was, doing exactly that. She'd tried to justify herself with every possibility it would take to get him to be with her, but she had went about it so wrong.

"Please, Raffo. I know you're mad that I'm leaving, but—"

"You think I'm mad that you're choosing to live your life?" he scoffed. "No, Ruth. I'm pissed off that you fucking tried to hide this until you couldn't anymore. And then you tried to convince me to leave my family. My family who's at risk of taking my place if I leave! That's fucking selfish of you and you know it."

Ruth flinched at the thought. She tried to reach for him again with a pitiful apology that fell on defensive ears. He moved his arms away from her, his hands up as he looked at her with a look she'd never seen from him before. It was a look that destroyed her whenever her mother gave her that look, so to see it again with him, burned her into ash.

Disappointment.

"No, I'm good," Raffo said, sniffing. "You do you and live your life. We're done here."

And with that, Raffo turned around and left her standing there, her heart crumbling to a heap.

*****