Iris // The Goo Goo Dolls

I didn't sleep all night. I hid in my dorm room from 8pm on and paced. Matt never came home. He must have been with Hannah. Fine by me. I couldn't have pretended for shit in front of him.

I scoff thinking about it because the guy is so damn wrapped up in his woman, I don't think he would have noticed my meltdown.

And I melted down. Epically. I kept seeing the look on Declan's face in that garage. Psychotic. He was eerily calm. It was like something else had taken him over. I don't know what went down in that house but based on the blood and the dark look in his eye, it wasn't good. It was more than a fist fight. The fact that they kept mentioning Alison is what fucked with my head the most. I put aside my fear that I'd been unknowingly involved in criminal activities, that my car had been locked up in their garage with DNA all over it, that the two of them were unpredictable and my life very well could be in danger.

Fuck all of that in comparison to what might happen to Alison.

I went through every scenario in my head.

I could call the cops.

Nope. Not until I know how I might be implicated. And the fact that they'd have to do some kind of investigation before any arrests were made, which would give Declan way too much time to retaliate. And I have no doubt in my mind that he'd use that opportunity to his advantage.

I could call my dad. Get an attorney.

I rejected that one, too, because it seems like something a guilty person would do. Lawyer up. Rich white guy protecting himself and passing the buck. Who I am and where I come from is so fucking cliché I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and call my dad.

What if I went to talk to Coach...

What would he do? If there's criminal activity on his team, shit would go down on all sides. The university would get involved. Once again, an investigation. Retaliation. Maybe they'd look into me as a guilty party as well. Would it look like I was just covering my ass, shifting the blame?

And I can't count on him being an impartial, trustworthy authority figure simply because his daughter is involved. I already got the sense that he's a caveman when it comes to her. All those guys who never even took their shot with her because of him has got to mean something, right?

What if this ruins any chance I ever had with her? What if Coach steps between us? What if I end up in jail? Or the hospital.

Or dead.

Fuck. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

It's been more than twelve hours. I'm still in my dorm room freaking out. I need out of here, but I'm literally scared shitless that if I leave this room, I'm done. It's over for me. My brain is telling me that I have to figure this out. I have to have a plan before I return to the real world.

For the hundredth time I bend over, crouching into a ball and pulling my hair. How the hell did I get myself into this? I was just trying to pave a way for Alison and I to go public without fallout. And here I am dealing with the worst situation imaginable.

No. Not the worst. I freeze in place when I picture what could actually be the worst possible outcome. Something bad happening to Alison. And I don't know how to protect her from this. Declan is unhinged. Completely out of control. I saw it in his eyes. It was written all over his face. I wouldn't be surprised if he had some major shit hiding in his closet. Literally. He's got the bedside manners of a serial killer.

Fuck.

I haven't let my mind go to that place. The place where I accept the reality of what must have happened in that house. I don't understand the cause, or the background, but I'm pretty positive that Declan beat the shit out of someone.

Or worse.

That's what I won't allow myself to dwell on. I pull off the clothes I have on and dump them in an empty plastic bag. I'd burn them if I could, but that could be considered tampering with evidence, so I just throw it in the back of my closet. Then I wrap up in a towel and grab my shower tote. I should have done this last night, but my brain shut down. I haven't been thinking clearly.

I wash everything off. The sweat. The grime. If only I could wash off the fear.

Whatever.

I rush back to the dorm and get dressed. I missed my first class of the day but I'm not going to miss anything else.

I lock my jaw and don't speak to anyone. I don't care if they think I'm being an asshole. It's called self-preservation and I'm in the thick of it. I grit my teeth and make it through the bulk of my day before practice. I'm not looking forward to seeing Reign. Not that I was before, but now its exponentially worse. I know enough about him now to expect some kind of confrontation or threat. There's no way he's going to keep quiet after what went down.

They confiscated my Camero and kicked me out of the garage. They both made threats, veiled however they may have been. I still read their intention loud and clear. Pain and suffering. That's what I have to look forward to if I talk.

I'm purposely late to practice, just giving myself enough time to throw on my gear and rush to the field as warm-ups begin. I keep myself in the back row with the practice team, guys who'll ride the bench all year with no playing time to their name. I wish I was one of them. Wish I hadn't ever caught Coach's eye to be paired up with Reign.

I successfully avoid the guy for half of practice. But down time is a bitch and once he has a second, he's in my face.

"Hiding out with the scrubs? Not a good look, man." Reign shakes his head and looks away. I don't respond or give him any eye contact which must piss him off because he turns back and gets close. I can feel his breath on my skin. He grits his teeth and drops his voice an octave or two.

"Be smart, Miller. Just keep your mouth shut."

"Or what?" I glare at him. I shouldn't have said it, but I couldn't help myself. If he's going to threaten me, he better make things crystal clear.

"Tough guy, huh?" Reign gets even closer. I start to worry that someone will see and get curious, but then I think it might be to my advantage, so I stand firm.

"Fine, we'll play it your way. Declan has demons you can't even imagine. You talk and he'll let them out. I'd be careful if I was you."

Fuck. "You piece of shit. You got me tangled up in this, you asshole." I'm dying inside but I don't let it show.

Reign has the decency to look something other than smug.

"Just, lay low." The guy steps away from me and it takes all of my energy to keep from deflating right there. A small part of me wishes I could kick his ass, but mostly I'm fucking terrified.

When practice ends and I get back to the dorm to find a note under my door, the terror wins.

Silence. I'm watching.

It's not signed but the psychotic hen scratching on the paper tells me exactly who left this for me.

Declan.

The paper is indented by the pen he used, he pushed so hard. And as I look at it closer, under the light of my desk lamp, my stomach drops. He must have used the back end of the pen to indent part of it because I'm only now seeing that there are lines forming letters. Lines with no ink or erasure marks, but they clearly spell out one name.

Alison.

I know I'm not thinking clearly. I haven't slept. I've barely eaten today and I feel like I'm walking through a living nightmare. So what I end up doing is either completely stupid or a last resort. I know I regret it as soon as I hit send. I know I'm sick to my stomach as I type the message out. I know that every word is a complete lie.

But I do it anyway.

Telling Alison over text that this isn't working for me anymore is torture.

Shutting my phone off after I send it is insanity.

Crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head is cowardly.

But I don't know what else to do and if I have to stand by and watch Alison get hurt it will kill me.

Declan knows this. Somehow, he knows. 

***

The next day isn't any better. My mind is still in a fog as I go through the motions. I haven't turned my phone back on or talked to anyone. I have no idea what's happening in the world. Only what's been lost in mine.

Even if I figure a way out of this mess, I pretty much fucked things up with Alison beyond repair. It's making me sick. I shoved some food down my throat this morning just so I don't starve. Plus, I need enough strength to get through practice.

And our first game is tonight. Against Northern, the team Declan plays for. I'm nervous. Not like he can really do anything with the whole stadium watching. Nothing with a weapon, that is.

But he's on defense. He's huge, even for a lineman. It wouldn't be the first time a player made a dirty move during the game when there was bad blood with a rival team. Ours is not only a rival team, I'm the target now. I'm a witness. An accomplice. It's not outside the realm of possibility that he'd use a play to come after me.

I'm praying Coach doesn't put me in. He's had his eye on me the last two days. I've felt it. I know he feels something is up. I wonder if Alison has said anything to him. He could bench me out of spite if she has.

Or he could put me in and hope for the worst if he's out for revenge.

Fuck, I hope he's spiteful. Never thought I'd say that about my coach.

We're in the tunnel, raring to run on the field and get this game started. My team is on fire with energy. I'm stuck in the middle. The starters always bunch up in the front, ready to pump up the home crowd. The scrubs hang in the back, where I wish I could disappear. The coaches and staff follow all of the players, some of them not even following us from the tunnel. No one breaks rank. It's an unspoken rule. No one attempts to shift position. Not on a normal game day, anyway.

But of course today isn't a normal day.

I watch as Reign, the one guy who should be first out of the tunnel, press through the cluster of guys standing shoulder to shoulder. Coming my way. His back is to me, his name and number on his jersey taunting me, so I can't see the expression on his face. The other guys defer to him, our starting quarter back, and let him through. No murmurs of confusion can be heard, but I know what they're thinking.

What the fuck is Benson doing?

I know what he's doing. Getting in my head. My suspicion is confirmed as soon as he's next to me. He towers over me, twice my size and bulk. He has no business being a QB as massive as he is.

The thought passes through my mind that he could probably kill me with his bare hands if he wanted to. I remember the blood on Declan's hands and wonder if that's exactly what happened in that house.

Reign turns to look at me, grabbing me by the face mask of my helmet and pulling me into him. From the outside it probably looks like a senior giving the freshman a pep talk before his first college game. What a great guy. However his words are anything but encouraging.

"Watch your back. Some of those players are out for your blood."

I know which player he's warning me about. But now I'm wondering if there are more. Does he have his own posse set up to get to me?

Fuck.

I hope I survive this game.

Turning back to face the tunnel, Reign says nothing more. I glance at the players nearby and only find two sets of eyes looking back at me. Glaring is a better word for the way they're looking through me. The Thing brothers, Deke and Dave, are shooting warning daggers right at me.

They weren't in the car that day but by the look on their face I'm pretty sure they know what went down. They've probably seen the evidence all over my car since they're part of the same frat that Reign is.

I roll my head from side to side. A hand pounds into my back and I flinch. But it's only Matt on my right side, still looking like he's got the world by the balls.

I've never in my life wished to be Matt. He's dealt with a lot, family wise and overcoming a shit situation. But right now, I wish I could be as carefree as he looks. I'm still fucking sick to my stomach and Matt's got a glow in his eyes.

"Here we fucking go, man," he says in awe as the band starts their anthem signaling our entrance. The roar of the team goes up and we start pushing our way out. The stadium opens up to us as we touch the field. The crowd chants to us, cheering us on. Somewhere in the stands are my family and Matt's. Even Hannah's family, my relatives, are here.

I wish I could enjoy it.

But instead, it feels like a funeral.

I can't believe I made this Friday Feels update (by California time)...I hadn't written a word this morning. I didn't even know if it would be Jeff or Alison on this part. But I had some time as a student was testing so I wrote down some ideas. Every spare second I had at lunch and breaks and so forth, I worked on this chapter. And here we are! Jeff's downward spiral has continued.

I wish I could tell you it gets better before it gets worse, but like Matt's story this one will be icky for a bit. I VERY MUCH promise an incredibly happy ending, so hold on to that as you continue with me.

ALSO I'm making really good progress on Broken Promises, to be released as soon as we can get it out. I've got the manuscript on my side right now and am planning to start wrapping things up with the plot. The end is in sight!! Such a long journey writing this one, and so many restarts with the beginning because we had it going all different directions...kind of a mess. But it's finally working right and I've got momentum on my side, yay!

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ARC sign ups will be out as soon as we work through edits and beta comments. I'll post some info if you'd like to read a free digital copy of BP in exchange for an honest review on Amazon and/or Goodreads.