Drive // The Cars

My mind isn't on my job. It hasn't been for at least a week. To be honest, I've been horribly distracted for longer. Since meeting Jeff I've become what I never thought I would be; obsessed.

I think about him all the time. Everything seems to remind me of something he said or somewhere we've gone. Flowers, music. Pizza. Even my task at the moment that Devon has me working on. Manipulating light sensitive paper using everyday objects as subject matter.

And what objects has she given me to work with?

Leaves. All kinds of leaves. And pine needles. The different sizes and thicknesses of the leaves effect the density of light that passes through their membranes. Different levels of opacity in those leaves creates shapes and shadows on the paper.

If I wasn't time traveling in my mind back to the drive Jeff took me on and the roller coaster of internal emotions I was riding simultaneously, I'd be enjoying the science behind this project.

Instead, I feel like crying.

"This is lovely, Alison." Devon startles me, leaning over the light table to see one of the finished designs. "The negative space carries my eyes back to the subject. Well done. I believe our little nature meets technology project is quite the success."

"Thanks." My voice is flat, but I can't seem to muster excitement about the work. "I have a couple more layouts I want to try. I'm thinking these need to be a series using the same leaves but in a variety of positions so it's like looking at them in 360 degrees."

Devon straightens and looks off into the distance, her typical visualization stance. "Yes, I think that will be stunning. Let me know when you've completed the other panels and I'll take a look."

I breath a sigh of relief as she leaves the studio. Devon's very perceptive and I worried she'd ask me what was wrong. I don't have the energy to talk about all of my fears right now. I haven't been able to voice them to Jeff, so I don't want to talk about it with my mentor.

"Oh, and Alison?" Devon pauses at the door, turning back to me.

"Yes?"

"Whatever it is that's eating you alive from the inside out? Let the process work it out," she says, pointing to the project at hand. "These things do tend to inspire creativity even when they are tearing you apart."

A huff of air mixed with a grunt of sound escapes me before I can stop it. Devon smiles sympathetically before exiting the studio entirely. She has a meeting with a city official, something she has insisted is as much a part of the creative process as the actual art.

I turn back to the print that I just finished, searching for the clues I must have left within the design. Is there lovesickness in the leaves? Anxiety about the future? Fear of holding secrets from people in my life and being found out?

Nothing stands out to me. I tilt my head for a new perspective, but still all I see is a few leaves overlapping on photo paper. I turn to look at the finished panels clipped to the drying wire stretched across the room.

"What in the...?" I stride across the room to stand in front of each one, only now seeing what Devon must have seen. In the center of each design, the negative space leaves a heart. Different sizes, different angles, but clear as day I can make out the distinct shape in every design.

I had no idea. But there in hardcopy is my emotion. Rough edges created by the different foliage used gives each heart a wounded feel. I step back, taking them in as a group and instantly sense the melancholy that went into the designs. Here's my sign to work this out before I react out of worry and fear, not the best decision makers. I pull out my phone and send Misty an SOS.

Me: My place for tacos and our favorite web-slinging superhero?

Misty: Tacos AND spider-man? Girl what happened?

I sigh. She knows me too well.

Me: nothing bad. Just need to unload. Is that ok?

Misty: OF COURSE! You never have to ask. I'll be there after my shift.

Me: What will I do when school starts in a couple weeks and I lose my taco date?

Misty: I won't be that slammed. We can still taco-bout it babe.

Me: ah bestie. <heart emoji>

Misty: <beating heart emoji>

***

"Too bad it's not taco Tuesday. These babies aren't cheap!" Misty takes a large bite then moans. "But worth every dollar, mmmmm." She speaks around a mouth full of carne asada.

"What is it about fried tortilla and cotija cheese that makes it so much better than when I make it?" I've already devoured two tacos, now on my third. The comfort food is finally easing the ache I've felt the last few days.

"Don't know, don't care. Just want more."

We finish the rest of the tacos and dump the wrappers and greasy crumbs. Misty joins me on the couch as I search for the movie.

"Are we ignoring the elephant or going for a ride?"

"Huh?" I turn to look at my friend.

"Oh, don't play dumb. We both know I'm here because you need to talk. You said so yourself. Let's unpack this pachyderm."

"You are so weird." Misty loves her imagery. And while I don't think what's going on between me and Jeff is the elephant in the room, I do understand her analogy. To be honest, she's right. I need to do some unpacking about my reaction to everything. I take a deep breath, return the remote to the side table and turn back to Misty.

"Jeff met my dad."

Misty's jaw drops. "Holy shit. What the hell for? Did your dad do a shake down? Chase him across town and tell him never to set foot in Fallbrook again? Run his name through a data base and find all of his secret criminal activity?"

I'm speechless for almost a full minute, my mouth gaping open and shut like a large mouth bass.

"What is in those tacos?" Leaning over, I inspect the rest of the taco haul.

"LOL, just locally sourced, all natural ingredients. Seriously, what happened?"

"We figured out that Jeff is on my dad's football team."

"NO SHIT!" Misty shoves my shoulder.

"Yes, shit. I was afraid of that when he said he played. But what made it worse was that he wanted to immediately rush to my dad's house and tell him we were dating."

Misty closes her eyes and throws her hands up to stop me. Then she shakes her head, saying, "Hold up. Wait a damn minute. He went there...voluntarily?"

"Yup. Almost the first thing out of his mouth to my dad was that he liked me and wanted to date me."

"Okay, okay. The boy had balls. Guts. Moxy. I like it. Keep going."

"But then my dad-"

"Oh hell, this is going to be a bloodbath."

"No. Not exactly. He's okay with Jeff. Said he's a good guy. But he wants us to keep this private. I shouldn't even be telling you, but I need someone to talk to about this because ever since my dad practically demanded we keep this between us for the sake of the team, I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin."

"Drugs."

"No, bugs."

"No. I understand you said, bugs. But isn't that a sign of like, drug withdrawl? Is Jeff like a drug?" She smirks.

"Yes. I admit I have a problem. I am addicted to Jeff." I shake my head. "But that's not what I mean. It's more that I'm freaking anxious that something is going to go wrong. So wrong that it will ruin everything between my dad and I, or between me and Jeff. Or that I'll be left a basket case."

"What could go wrong?" She doesn't say this sarcastically, the way the rest of the conversation had gone. Misty leans toward me, grabs my hands and asks with all sincerity.

"My dad never recovered from my mom's death. Not really. He's all alone except for me. What if things don't work out with Jeff? What if things do? I don't know how to prepare either way."

"Ah. I get it."

"You do?"

"It's pretty simple, actually. Your dad kept this entire scenario at bay all through high school. Now that the door to a relationship with a guy who's not your dad is wide open, you feel..." Misty searches for the right word. "Like you're abandoning him."

I let that word sink in for a minute. It doesn't feel right. "No, I don't think that's it."

"Well, you feel some kind of way if you needed tacos and Peter Parker."

I lean back against the couch letting my head rest on the cushion. "What if spending all of our energy keeping things between us, not letting anyone know we're dating, ruins everything before it has a chance to start." I let the fear into the room. I let it hang out with us. "And what if when we finally tell people, its worse because we'd kept things a secret so everyone's mad."

Misty leans against the couch, mirroring my position. The two of us sit in silence until I almost can't take it anymore. Then Misty speaks.

"Every relationship has one of two endings: splitsville or the A-train to forever. You won't know which way this one will end unless you're open to finding out."

I throw an arm over my eyes. "Why is this so hard? Dating isn't supposed to start off like this."

There's a knock at my door before Misty can respond. She jumps up from the couch to see who's knocking, which only takes ten seconds because my place is so small. The door swings open to reveal a tall, dark haired boy with a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eye.

"Hey," Jeff says, smiling at me after glancing past Misty. "I was hoping you'd be home."

Misty looks back at me, smirking. "It's supposed to start like this," she says in answer to the rhetorical question about dating I asked just before Jeff knocked. "I've got to go! Have fun, you two." She winks at me, grabs her purse and a leftover taco then bolts out the door, shutting it behind her.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to crash your party." Jeff stands at the door, both hands in his pockets.

I stand and cross the five steps of floor to get to him. "No party. Just tacos and Spider-Man."

"I love tacos."

"What about Spider-Man?"

"I don't love him. But he's fun to watch." The sparkle in his eye shines at me. Then his arm wraps around my waist pulling me close. "Can I be your movie buddy?"

I nod. Jeff leans to nuzzle my neck just below my ear. My eyelids flutter closed and my brain short circuits.

"Oh. Yeah, okay." I'm breathless. Moments like this make me wonder what in the world I was worried about earlier. Why would I question anything concerning dating this man? Isn't it a forgone conclusion that the two of us just work? We fit together like all the things meant to be. I need to remember that and stop second and third guessing us. I need to stop worrying about the future.

Jeff somehow turns us around and leads me to the couch where I plop next to him. His arm is around me securely, our bodies pressed closely together. I feel content and Jeff looks equally so.

"I hope this is okay, that I came over without texting. I wanted to surprise you."

"You did. But it's a good surprise."

We settle in and watch the movie that I'd planned to watch with my best friend. But I'm watching it with my secret boyfriend instead. While Spider-Man saves the world, I remind myself that the season is starting. His practice schedule is about to amp up by a lot. I wouldn't be able to spend much time with him anyway so keeping things private won't be that difficult.

But part of me wishes I could cheer for him at his games. Wait for him after to celebrate. Be the girl on his arm around town.

Someday. If things go well, that can all happen someday. And if not, then maybe I'm saving myself from extra heartache if no one knows and no one can comment on it. 

Well, here we are again. Another week, another struggle with the playlist. I have found some really good covers of 80's songs that have inspired, and even though they were recorded more recently, they were 80's to begin with so I'm counting them! We can call it a work around, lol.

I feel like this part of the plot needs to move forward. Starting next week we will see how all of the secrecy is effecting Jeff and get a peek into his world. I think things will start moving faster now. 

On another note, I'm so excited to watch as inevitable creeps up on 1 million reads! I'm trying to think of something fun to do when it does...and I have an idea of a bonus scene that many readers have asked about so maybe a new Savanna & Brax chapter will be the celebration?!!? AND, here is a look at my take on what a discrete cover for my baby would look like. Discrete covers are super hot right now in the indie romance world and I couldn't resist. Plus, that daisy!! If you know, you know...

This song SLAYS for Alison. Finally!!

https://youtu.be/xuZA6qiJVfU

Come and join me for more bookish fun!! I'm also on Tiktok 😉🎶