This is stupid. You are stupid. Do you know why? Because you spend all your time reading shit like this and then have the audacity to complain in that squeaky-ass scream, "James is scoring higher than me!" Shut up. James is winning at life, unlike you. You don't even have a date yet, do you? And when you do get someone, the bar is so low that I can't even see it!

Yet, you picked up this book again only to watch my sad dating life. Now, don't you dare come at me because I have my defences ready! Yes, you might argue, bUt zAliA, why does dating matter so much to you as a seventeen-year-old, well, to answer you, it doesn't. But how do I thrust this into Madelene's stupid brain without her thinking that I'm lesbian?

"It's okay to commit gay. It's alright to be more open-minded like me, Zalia,"
Your mind is so open that it's falling out of your skull!

Thanks to her, I have dated almost all the tall men in our school. And successfully failed at all those relationships, with Madelene's added commentary nagging me every time, "You suck,"
"I don't...That's why they dump me, genius,"
"...Well, then why don't you start sucking?"

Last Saturday night, after I had puked my guts out in a public restroom after demolishing a whole cake into my guts, she held my phone to my face, "Tyler texted," It's a sad excuse for a blurry, penal photograph, "Sorry, actually, I'm so big, my dick pic's all blurry cause my camera doesn't know where to focus"
OR MAYBE JUST DON'T SHOVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR ASS?!

Madelene and I looked at each other, "He's pretty bad at clicking pictures"
I slapped her hand away, "He's cringe!"
"Don't worry, girl, you'll meet men with a bigger dick!"
"That's not what makes him cringe though!"

Tyler is the hottest dude in high school right now. He's actually not a jock. Surprisingly, he is not good at anything except staring at himself in the mirror and reminding everyone how hot he is. "His face is his personality, babes!" Madelene tried to convince me of his worthiness.
"Which means, basically, he doesn't have a personality!"

Tyler and I have been hanging out for about two weeks and I already want to hang myself. Madelene introduced us because she was worried that I was gay. That I hate men. I don't hate men, I just have two younger brothers. One is fourteen and the other is ten. And I will tell you now, growing up with two boys has created inside of me...an absolute disgust for the male species. Especially, a teenage boy. 

I remember walking out of my room to take a midnight shit when I heard something inside the dark bathroom. I ran to my room to get a torch and yelled, "WHO'S THERE?! STOP HIM! MOM! A THIEF!" I flashed my light at a naked molester who jumped down the bathroom window and was now standing naked in the garden. The light flashed on his face as he covered his pubes with his hands,

"Louise? What are you doing there naked?" I yelled as I ran towards the window, got stuck into some sheets laying on the bathroom floor and fell outside the window myself, landing on my ass. It wasn't the hip trauma that made me bedridden for a solid two days, it was the liquid semen on my ankles and a graphic depiction of my naked, fourteen-year-old brother in front of me. Alive.

"NO!" I cried in my bed, "I can't believe that's the first dick I ever saw!"
"Tyler did send you a dick pic! All has not been lost!" Madelene comforted me while passing me some toilet paper to wipe my tears, "BITCH, AT LEAST GET TISSUES! I AIN'T SHITTING FROM MY EYES!"
"I got what I found in the toilet,"
"Y-You got this from the toilet? Bitch..."

I threw the entire fucking roll outside. Something had gotten into Louise after he crossed thirteen. He was so unnecessary...sexual?

"Lui, if I get another pair of crusty ass sheets from your room, I swear to god I will tear your dick and shove it into your goddamn mouth, you fucking hear me, son?" Dad took the sheets and slammed the door shut, "Jesus Christ,"

And it was not stopping there. In the shower. In his room. In the garage. In the fucking garden. Everywhere. He had been fucking himself everywhere. With all that semen, he could feed a family of two for at least a year. Gosh, I was never like that! And Louise was supposed to start high school in a few days, and the same as mine, Kerlin County High! 

"Gurl, your brother can impregnate a bicycle and I won't be surprised,"
"Please stop, gosh, if he does anything stupid in Kerlin County High and that ruins my reputation, I will...tear his dick and shove it into his own mouth!"
"Dick reminds me, how's Tyler?"

I wasn't sorted out with my situationship with Tyler when dad reached out to me. I thought it was finally time for me to have the talk with my dad. So, there I was, chest puffed, legs spread, I was asserting dominance upon my own father, until he broke it to me gently, "Your brother is a loser, Zalia,"

"...Which one?"

"I don't know about Harry, he's like what eight?"
"Dad, Harry is eleven and Louise will soon be fifteen"
"Fifteen and no friends, I'm so worried. He's never gonna have a girlfriend, not that you ever had a boyfriend. All my children are little shits, where did I go wrong?"

I'm offended, what? How dare he call me a little shit and compare me to Louise? To LOUISE?

"Dad, I am dating someone, just so you know,"
"Who?" Dad seemed surprised, "Madelene?"
"What? No, ew! His name is Tyler..." I forgot his last name! "Tyler, yeah! I'm dating Tyler!"
"You're gonna get played by a Tyler? Zalia, I expected more from you,"

"What the-"
"Anyways, this is about Louise. He doesn't have a single friend. Therefore, you are going to get Louise a friend,"
"Me?! What the fuck? No, I won't,"
"If you don't, I'm cutting off your monthly allowance. You are seventeen, you can work,"
"That's so unfair, dad,"

"Fo sure! I said what I finna had tah say," He got up and left the living room, "DAD! DADDY!" I screamed but he was gone. It's pointless, he already had his headset on and was listening to some shitty rap music, trying to be one of the Gen-Zs. My dad gives himself music therapy every day for at least an hour where he listens to the worst rap available to human civilisation and starts to imitate it when he is interacting with his patients. 

"Yo! Mr Vaisbos! How that kidney doin, dawg?" 
"It's doing fine, Mr Louverne. But could you give me a stronger painkiller?"
"Shii, fo sure!"

. . .

"He cheated on you. Your boyfriend cheated. On. You," Madelene told me and for a moment, I was so devastated that a drop of tear almost fell down my cheek but then I stopped and wondered, "Wait, what boyfriend, bitch?"
"Bestie, listen, I think Tyler and you are an amazing pair but Hannah stole him away!"
"Pah! She can steal him, heck, I'd personally go out of my way to thank her for taking him away. That dude is obsessed with himself! I'm not fighting over him to give him a vanity boost! Besides, we're polar opposites!"

"Opposites attract! He's so tall and so...tall!"

Me being a six feet tall woman who likes men who are taller than her... doesn't leave a lot of options for me. Tyler was one of the very few guys in school who were actually taller than me. But, why did I settle for him? I don't even want to be friends with him! And suddenly, I got a text from him, "Ayo, so, we clearly aren't working out so I thought it's better if we don't talk no more. No hard feelings, shawty,"

"Aww, he's so sweet. He didn't ghost you and literally communicated with you!"
"HE LITERALLY DUMPED ME!"

How could Tyler ever reject me? This is embarrassing! He left me for Hannah! Hannah is shaped like a fucking tadpole and she got expressions like someone who lives in the fear of constant diarrhoea! 

I got diarrhoea the next day. This is what happens when you talk shit about people.
"It must her personality!" Madelene concluded.
What personality, bitch? Her entire personality is her eyes!

"Look at my eyes," Hannah came close to Tyler's face, "Aren't they like a little bit of green, a little bit of golden, a little bit of white sparkle and-"
"They're brown, yes," Tyler smiled at her.
"No, they're not, they're hazel under the sun!"
THEY'RE BROWN!

"They're made for each other," I sulked as I sat on the staircase, watching Tyler and Hannah kiss under the trees while everyone else decorated the field to welcome the freshmen tomorrow. Madelene smiled at me, "Wow! You went through the five stages of grief faster than a playboy goes through pussy,"
Nothing was said or done for those few moments. I was still trying to process just what in the flying fuck had this woman said to me.

"She does not have green eyes," I finally spoke and Madelene laughed, "I think she does-"
"No, green eyes are rare. Enchanting almost. You know, like, having a forest inside of your eyes,"
"Or snot?"

"...One day, I would fuck myself out of this universe,"
"Girl, that's narcissistic,"
"What?"
"Like, why would you want to fuck yourself? Like fuck me instead, like what?" She laughed, "I'm kidding, I like men,"

If you haven't figured it out yet... what's wrong with you is exactly what is wrong with Madelene. You are both idiots.

Despite my praying for the night to never end, it happened. Morning came and punched my alarm. I took the rollers out of my hair, which was still as straight as a pin. I sighed and simply styled it with a curling iron. Madelene is so lucky that all of this works for her. I did my skincare, I did my light makeup, I put on a good outfit, grabbed a sandwich and my bag, and I cycled to school. 

I left home early that day because the band was supposed to set up its instruments. I took my rock guitar and connected it to the amp, there were some technical issues which we fixed within about thirty minutes and then we began tuning our instruments. I got before the mic and began singing, and I promised myself that I won't cry because another one of my relationships had failed. 

Because I did this to myself.

https://youtu.be/XSzmiPFQiNE

I actually felt quite terrible when I saw Tyler and Hannah stand before the stage and look up at us while holding hands, Hannah wrapped his arms around his arms and he clapped after I was done, with all the others. He never did that when I was with him. Holding hands or attending small performances together. He never accompanied me to any of my performances. 

And I never thought that I'd ever feel that for him and that he was capable of making me feel like crying. It was me all along, I was the one who had no personality. I looked through the crowd and waved, just so that I won't have to look at his face, and I spotted Louise, and his purple eyes looked into my purple eyes and it got me weak. 

"Madelene take over," I whispered to her and ran down the stage, "Zalia?" She called out and then looked at Tyler. She nodded and began singing the next piece while I ran backstage, bumped into someone and almost fell down the stairs, but he suddenly grabbed my fingers and I swung in the air. I looked into his eyes, green eyes, and he looked at me, with his eyes wide open, 

"Oh fuck, you're heavy!" He left my arm and I fell down the stairs,
"Motherfucker!"
"I haven't fucked my mom. My mom keeps fucking up though,"
"What? WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET TO THE BACKSTAGE?!"

He was thin, long, and had brown hair with bright, green eyes. He had a smug look on his face and he seemed as if he had no good intentions. Could you believe it, a kid who looked like a paedophile already?

"These, my friend, are the mysteries of life," He crossed his arms and rested himself on the pole behind him, "Mysteries of AIW" The pole began falling backwards until the entire tent fell over the band and the audience began screaming and running away. The lights hanging overhead in the auditorium began falling, and some of them broke on the curtains, making the curtains catch fire. Some people threw water bottles on it while some began peeing on it to put the fire away. And it was amidst this chaos that I met...

Mitchelle Alva Jibber.

Fuck.

-To be continued