i wish i was the moon - neko case

https://youtu.be/gCV-YMD6oXA

last night i dreamt i'd forgotten my name

'cause i sold my soul

but i woke just the same

i'm so lonely

i wish i was the moon tonight

y'all asked for it, so here it is, enjoy :) 

also, just to clarify in advance, italics (when in many paragraphs) = flashbacks/something that occurred in the past 

NINJA ONCE HEROES, NOW VIGILANTES TO BE ARRESTED

I'd be lying if I said that Lloyd rushing off wasn't disappointing. The shock that corroded his expression so very quickly upon reading those words was almost unexplainable. It felt so... personal. Like he was to be affected by the situation. It made no sense. Even so, I spent almost an hour running over the same expression in my head, rewinding the image of his jaw tightening instantly, the way his eyes washed over with a hardness even I found impressive. It was as though a barrier had washed over his features, dripping down his face until a mask that was incredibly real, yet totally fake, replaced his emotions. Anything that made him, well, human.

He had left long ago, sped off to somewhere without a second glance my way. A little bit offensive, honestly, I really had been enjoying our conversation. But I felt like there was more to it, something I was missing. He didn't seem to be the rude type.

I shook my head suddenly as I realised that I really don't know him. One conversation and I considered myself to be an expert on Lloyd? I didn't even know his last name. He didn't even know mine. Sure I could read people's expressions, but I was no mind reader. I was being ridiculous and this mess was taking up far too much of my limited time.

I glanced up at the moon, full and bright, contrasting dramatically against the darkness of the secluded park I had taken to. It was long past midnight and the streets were beginning to fill once more. Cars rolled by every so often, no doubt belonging to early-morning workers. It was peaceful, but I was growing tired of peaceful. Everything had to be peaceful now. What was wrong with a little chaos?

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

Lloyd wondered why nothing could be peaceful. He goes out for one night, chasing the mere essence of peace, and even that was stripped from him. The boy pinched the bridge of his nose exhaustedly, tempted to throw a tantrum like the child he once was. But there was no time for that and he knew it. So rather than stomp his foot, Lloyd squared his shoulders and entered the monastery, making his way down to the base that lay below.

The elevator clicked open and immediately the group already gathered there, looking just as tired as he felt, turned and acknowledged his entrance with a series of murmurs and head-nods.

Kai eyed him carefully, arms crossed as he chewed the inside of his cheek. Lloyd walked past him without a second glance, not willing to have the conversation that would inevitably come regarding where he was. Sensei Wu stood in front of the ninja, where they gathered. Lloyd wasn't able to tell if he had been speaking or just considering their next line of action.

"I take it that you have all seen the news," the old man eventually spoke. His hands were clasped behind his back as his careful, observant eyes scanned his students.

Kai scoffed, readjusting his arms as he shook his head. "Yeah, we sure as hell did."

"What are we going to do, Sensei?" Cole questioned immediately, brows knitted together in concern. He ran a hand through his messy hair as he watched Wu intently, almost desperately.

"Talk to them- right?" Jay said before anyone else could respond. "There has to be a mistake. We're the good guys here, we're the ones they need to protect, not protect from. I mean- what are they gonna do without us? What are we gonna do-"

Nya placed a hand on her boyfriend's shoulder, immediately silencing his increasingly anxious babbling as he calmed under her grounding touch. She ran a finger down his arm until their hands were interlocked, squeezing reassuringly as she waited for Sensei Wu to answer. "Sensei?"

The man glanced to the floor while he reached up to stroke his thick long, white beard. His seemingly frail, though actually incredibly strong fingers curled the hair. "We cannot reason with them, there is simply no reasoning with minds scrambled by fear."

The ninja gaped at his response, for it was certainly not what they were wanting, not to mention, expecting to hear.

"But Sensei- we haven't done anything wrong," Cole protested, taking a step forward as his eyes widened.

"Haven't we?" Lloyd silently asked, biting his lip as guilt rose in his stomach. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shake the thought.

"That may be so, but wherever we go, chaos seems to follow. It only makes sense that the public might connect us to the destruction that takes over Ninjago time after time." Zane's piercing eyes glanced around at his teammates. Even he didn't like what he was saying, but, as always, the nindroid was correct.

Kai shook his head, anger flaring momentarily in his eyes. "It doesn't follow us, we follow it. For Ninjago! If we don't, then who will?"

"No one."

Lloyd hadn't realised he had verbalised his thoughts until the group had gone silent and were all turned his way. He sighed, clenching his fists.

"We can't fight every battle. Maybe, it's time to surrender."

"You can't be serious," Kai said as his gaze locked on the blonde. "You think we should give up?! What will happen to the city if we do that?"

"Maybe that isn't our responsibility." Lloyd's words exited his mouth before even he had time to process them, even so, he couldn't help but find he agreed. He was so tired, exhausted really, of fight after fight. Especially when no victory felt like a victory as the responsibility for all those he couldn't save weighed him down.

Sensei Wu cleared his throat, interrupting the two in whatever heated discussion that was undoubtedly going to follow. "People will always hold someone accountable for all the wrong-doing in this world. It may not be just, but once they do, an illusion of solving the problem is formed. Should they rid themselves of those who are now to blame, they feel as though they have killed the problem itself. When fear torments so many, just like Harumi and Garmadon did, they will cling to that illusion regardless of who they chose to blame and now fair that choice may be."

"And, like Zane said, it almost- makes sense that it would be us that people blame," Lloyd continued, grimacing as he felt the sting of admitting such a thing. Looking around, he could tell they all felt it. "We're always there. And, we do add to the damage."

"We do that to save others-" Kai interjected in defence, staring at the green ninja as though he couldn't believe what he was saying.

"Sure, but we still do it," Nya reasoned with a defeated shrug. Her gaze was focussed on the ground, but in the way she bit her lip, it was clear that she too had been drained.

Jay's lip trembled. "But, ninja never quit." His voice was quiet, still, it reached them all.

Nobody said anything for a small stretch of time, but it was the silence that told it all. The silence in itself was a surrender, a sign of their defeat as they renounced their ability to so much as defend themselves, not to mention the city that might no longer believe in them.

The unspoken words rested heavy above their heads.

Maybe this time, ninja do quit.

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

My feet clattered noisily down the hall of our tiny apartment. Jingling my car keys in my hand, I held my iced coffee in the other and hummed along to the song drifting softly from my earphones.

"Mum! I'm home!" I called, as if my loud-ass entry hadn't given that away already. She had undoubtedly heard me. The block was tiny, two bedrooms (if you could even call them that) smushed in with a single bathroom and kitchen/dining/living in between. It was simultaneously claustrophobic and cosy, especially when you shared it with your mum. Lucky for me, she was basically my best friend. Kinda sad, I know, but it was true. When you live your entire life with just one other person, both shunned by the most important people in the country due to your very existence, you learn to rely on the other for just about everything.

It was a curse, but the damn best gift at the same time.

So when I entered the kitchen to see my mum staring off into space, phone clutched against her ear as she was either listening attentively, or not at all, I knew something was wrong.

"Mum?"

She didn't respond, didn't even do that mum-wave where they acknowledge your existence but aren't actually paying attention to anything you're saying. She just... sat there, stiff and panicked and everything you would hate to see your mother as.

It was clear that she wasn't going to answer me while on the phone, but now I too was anxious. So much so that I couldn't possibly focus on anything else. I decided my best course of action was to just sit there and wait, straining my ears in hope I might catch something, anything, that would alert me as to what the person on the other end of the phone might be saying to cause such a reaction.

It was another hour before my mother uttered her first words. "O-okay, thank you," she stuttered before hanging up the phone and placing it on the counter in front of her. I perked up at the sound of her voice and watched intently as she continued to stare at the device in what seemed to be shock.

"Mum?" I asked again, hoping this time she would actually notice and respond. As well as, I don't know, explain what the hell was going on.

And she did. My mum looked up for the first time and saw me, equally nervous and desperate to hear an explanation. "Oh, hi honey. When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago," I said as nonchalantly as possible, though by the way my voice shook, even I could tell it wasn't exactly convincing. My mum nodded her head quietly while her eyes widened slightly when she checked the time for reference. "So," I began uncertainly, not entirely sure either of us was ready for the conversation I was starting, "that was clearly one hell of a phone call."

Mum sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as she once again stared at the phone on the counter as though she despised its very existence. "One way to put it."

I frowned in response to the vague answer. "You wanna tell me about it?"

My mother squeezed her eyes shut tight, evidently assessing her options. I waited patiently. "Turn on the news," she eventually said, voice quiet and strained.

I was slightly taken aback, though I did as she told me too, too confused to do anything else. As I turned on the TV and flicked through the different channels, my mind ran wild with different theories. I was bewildered, as this was not the answer I was expecting. Not that I had been expecting much. I had no idea what that phone call could have possibly entailed. Perhaps a death? But we didn't have any family. No family except-

"The Emperor, Riku, and Empress, Adela, of Ninjago are confirmed dead. Last night, an explosion that ignited a wild fire took place in the palace of the Royal Family, killing almost all staff and guards, including Master-at-Arms and Counsel to the Royal Family, Hutchins."

I dropped the remote as I processed the words. I don't remember hearing it clatter to the ground. Frozen in shock, I stared at the screen and watched as a News Reporter continued to discuss the intricacies and possible theories for how the fire could have occurred, while a shaky display of the explosion was presented on the TV. It was clearly footage from a video taken by a bystander on their phone. Still, it was enough to tell that no one could have survived that.

My eyes dropped to the floor as I remembered- "Aunt Addie," I whispered, biting my lip and swallowing thickly in an attempt to clear the lump in my throat. Shock, anger, grief, they all stirred in my stomach as an angry serpent seemed to turn the emotions over and over into a sick mix.

I turned to my mum, watching as her expression seemed to reflect my own. I blinked rapidly and took a deep breath before going to sit next to her on the other stool beside the counter. She reached out and took my hand, squeezing it once before we both broke down.

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

"I think we should talk to Pix."

Kai's voice interrupted the thoughts that swirled in Lloyd's head as he sat on his bed, intending to take off his shoes and go to sleep, but still frozen in thought. He wasn't entirely sure how long he had been sitting there.

"What?" He asked, looking up at his brother as he changed for bed, not that any of them would be sleeping that night. It was already past three in the morning anyway.

"I think we should talk to Pix," he repeated, "see if she can negotiate anything. After all, she isn't a ninja, they might listen to her."

Lloyd sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night before answering. "I really don't think they will listen to anybody. You heard the News, the new Empress came out with an official announcement. The Royal Family never does that, so when they do, it's not like they are going to just- revoke it." He watched Kai carefully, waiting for a response.

The Master of Fire shrugged stiffly. "We have to do something though. They will revoke it once they see that this is practically sabotaging all of Ninjago. They- they have to see that." Kai wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. He never did when it came to something like this.

"Kai-" Lloyd began, exhausted by this seemingly constant debate. The team had been arguing for hours, trying desperately to fight their way out of this as they did all things. "Why can't you just let it go? We're over. It was going to happen eventually, it may as well be now."

Kai frowned, raising his eyebrows in surprise as that cool tone that laced Lloyd's voice before his features set in determination. "Why can't you realise that we can't just let this go?!"

Lloyd stood suddenly, temper flaring as all the thoughts and emotions he had been attempting to shove down for days boiled to the surface. "That isn't up to us anymore! They took that decision away from us."

"They can't just do that!" Kai countered angrily, taking a step forward. In hindsight, Lloyd shouldn't have gotten as angry as he did, for Kai always topped that emotion with even more emotion. But he did and he couldn't find it in himself to regret it. He was too tired and regretted far too much as it was.

The blonde scoffed, holding his hands up as he searched for the right words. "Well, they kinda already did." Lloyd stepped closer also, staring right into his brother's eyes that were now entirely alight with the flame of emotion.

"People will die!"

And just like that, the final rope of constraint Lloyd held onto, snapped. There was no more containing his emotions. He had done that for far too long. "PEOPLE ARE ALREADY DYING!" He roared. The entire room stilled as they all watched in eerie silence, even Kai couldn't find the words to retaliate. Lloyd had forgotten the others were there to begin with. "No matter what we do, we will never be able to do enough," he hissed, blinking back the tears that had begun to make his eyes misty while he pressed an accusing finger into Kai's chest. He knew it wasn't Kai's fault, and the only person that was actually to blame was himself. But he didn't care. At least, that's what he told himself. "We will never be enough. We may as well give up now, then continue trying to right our wrongs and just make everything worse in the process."

Kai opened his mouth to respond but Lloyd shoved past him before he could utter a single word more. He crossed the room in heated strides, though before he could leave, a voice followed him. "You know who else said that? That we killed more than we helped?" Kai called, a bitterness evident in his voice. "Harumi." Lloyd halted.

"Harumi is dead," Lloyd whispered, barely audible. Kai still heard.

"Then why is she still in your head?"

The Green Ninja didn't respond, he didn't even turn around. He stormed from the room and shook his head as a million emotions beat him round in circles.

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

The funeral for the Emperor and Empress was two weeks later. We weren't invited. We didn't expect to be invited, but I could tell by the way my mum watched the televised version that she had hoped she might be.

So we held our own one.

My mum and I found all of the photos we could of her sister, some from their childhood, and most from when she visited and I took selfies of us all. Then, dressed in our nicest black clothes, we stood in the living room and gave her the funeral she would have wanted. Not big and dramatic, televised for all of Ninjago to see, but small and heartfelt.

We didn't have anything to bury, so we settled for a lotus flower; her favourite. It was bright and beautiful, just like Adela, and we placed it by the gardens hidden behind the apartment block. It was her favourite place to sit when she came over.

Then, mum told me stories. She told me about the time she tried to prank her sister but ended up getting one of the guards instead, and the time Adela tried to sneak out but failed miserably, earning her two months of being grounded. Mum helped her sneak in friends through the windows. I had heard all of these stories before, and even though it was better when they told them together, struggling to get the words out between gasps of laughter while they reminisced, it was nice to hear again regardless.

"Tell me about the time you found out you were pregnant," I eventually suggested, smiling through tears as I recalled it myself.

My mum sniffed, but was smiling also. "You've heard it a hundred times."

"And I'll hear it a hundred more," I reasoned, looking up with hopeful, pleading eyes. "It's my favourite."

Mum sighed in amusement, feigning irritation but secretly, I could tell she was grateful. It was her favourite too. "When I first discovered I was pregnant, I was terrified. What would my parents say? I could hear them lecturing me already. 'Princess of Ninjago? Pregnant at sixteen?' Could you imagine what the newspapers would say?" She laughed, I couldn't tell if it was in spite, or victorious. "But, they found out eventually, they were always going to."

"And, I was right, they were outraged at my teenage stupidity. Which, it was stupid by the way-" She paused to glance at me, eyebrows raised. "Don't you get pregnant anytime soon." I waved the comment away, rolling my eyes as she continued. "And they sent me off, disowned me. Told me I wasn't fit for a royal family. Everyone hated me. Everyone but Addie."

Addie.

She hated being called that, told us that she was given the name 'Adela' for a reason so we might as well use it. Even so, there was always an exception for mum and I. Aunt Addie, that's who she was to me. Not the Empress of Ninjago, just the Aunt who would let me stay up past my bedtime, the one who watched superhero movies with me. The one who bought me posters to stick on my wall and introduced me to all her favourite bands.

She would visit whenever she could. Nobody knew, for my grandparents had banned anyone from coming to see us. But Aunt Addie was always mischievous, so she did exactly the opposite. She told everyone she was out at different events, or doing something 'royal', when really, she was coming to curl up on our tiny couch and sing me to sleep. A single guard would accompany her- Hutchins. He always liked my mother and was lots of fun to have around as well. He claimed to be serious, but he was always a sucker for Beyoncé. We had the best dance parties.

"So the minute she managed to find our little apartment, she and Hutchins visited. By that time I had already had you, and little Baby Y/n won them over in an instant." Mum tapped my chin with her finger and I giggled.

"I have always been a charmer."

Mum scoffed in response to my self-praise, ignoring me. "Addie and I were always the pair. Even when she became the Empress of Ninjago, she always had time for us. Nothing was going to seperate us, even a little disownment. My parents should have known better," she shook her head, smiling at the image of her and her sister being the best friends they always were.

Until her expression shifted, falling downcast as she remembered.

"Well, maybe one thing could separate us."

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

Lloyd didn't bother going back to his room, he knew he wasn't going to be able to get any sleep by that point anyway. Besides, he wasn't in the mood to face any of the ninja after his outburst.

Was he being stupid and childish? Absolutely.

Could he bring himself to care? Not one bit.

Instead, Lloyd found himself out the front of the monastery. He intended to train, to exert whatever emotion that hadn't been spent on his argument with Kai, in a healthier, more productive alternative. However, that might not end up happening, Lloyd realised as he checked the time and saw that his five minute rest, sitting on the steps that led inside, had turned into a thirty-five minute one. Maybe he had fallen asleep, he couldn't quite remember.

Lloyd tapped his feet against the concrete floor, elbows resting on his knees as he stared intently at the ground. He considered getting up, maybe going for a run, but eventually dismissed any hopes of exercise occurring that morning. He was too tired, just not tired enough to fall asleep, it seemed.

He thought back to what Kai had said, however long ago that was, and regretted it immediately.

"Then why is she still inside your head?"

His brother's voice echoed unforgivingly in his ears as he did his best to focus on something else, anything else. Something that didn't involve her. He hated her, at least, that's what he tried to tell himself, for when Lloyd seriously reflected, he realised that he didn't just hold hatred for Harumi. And that in itself was even worse than any thought, feeling or action hate might conjure.

Eventually he attempted to distract himself with thoughts of the girl he had met earlier that night—though he could have sworn it were weeks ago it had been such a long night.

"Y/n," he remembered, not realising he had said the name out loud.

"Hm?" Another voice replied. Lloyd jumped, not at all aware he had company. He turned and noticed that Wu was at the door, clearly just coming out.

Lloyd stuttered for a moment, still caught off-guard. He wasn't used to being caught off-guard and didn't like being surprised so easily. Tonight clearly wasn't his night. "Oh, nothing," he dismissed with an unenthusiastic wave of his hand.

His uncle nodded but said nothing more on the subject. Instead, he began a new topic of conversation. One, it was fair to say, Lloyd was completely fed up with.

"I received further word regarding the announcement," he said simply, coming to sit beside Lloyd. He held two steaming cups of tea in his hands and offered one to his nephew.

Lloyd huffed. "What did they blame us for this time?" He mused with a tired laugh as he gratefully accepted the tea. The ninja sipped at it and immediately felt more calm while waiting for Wu's answer.

"Actually, many members of the public have come to your defense since the announcement. They have convinced the Royal Family that there must at least be a trial to convict you of your supposed 'crimes'."

Lloyd might have smiled if it wasn't four in the morning and he wasn't still being considered a criminal. Even so, the sentiment was somewhat reassuring; at least someone thought they weren't monsters. "When's the trial?" He asked Wu, glancing to the Master beside him who drank his tea slowly and stared across the training course with the calm expression he almost always maintained.

"Friday morning." The Green Ninja nodded in response, though before he could say anything more, Wu continued. "But, I wouldn't be so hopeful this trial will change anything. I believe that it is more for the sake of the people than anything else."

Lloyd already knew that, and besides, he had lost hope in people a long time ago. "Don't worry Uncle, it might be for the best," he shrugged, clutching his cup a little tighter as he said the words. He wasn't entirely sure how much he meant them.

The Sensei frowned, watching Lloyd carefully. "It is no crime to have hope," he said quietly, almost as though he was reading Lloyd's mind.

The blonde's eyes flicked downward as he paused, not entirely sure what to say. "Maybe not, but it is when it hurts a lot of people."

Wu didn't respond and Lloyd felt no desire to continue the conversation, so they simply sat in silence for a while until the sun began to rise. Watching the orange fill the sky in a picturesque ombré over the monastery gates, Lloyd realised how much he relied on this job and how little he would be without it.

He was lost.

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

It was after Princess Harumi's death that we received the next call. The city was in ruins and chaos had run wild throughout Ninjago for weeks on end. Needless to say, it wasn't a fun place to be during that time. But we managed, and we were almost grateful my mother's name had been wiped from all records of the Royal Family, otherwise the Princess-gone-crazy might have been after us too.

About a week after Harumi was confirmed dead and the city was beginning to rebuild, my mum's phone buzzed constantly. We were assisting with clean-up, as though mum and I were lucky enough that our apartment was still standing, the same couldn't be said for many others. Eventually, at the end of the day and after her phone rang for possibly the millionth time, I took it upon myself to answer it for her.

"Y/n speaking." My mother, who had been in the middle of trying to stop me from answering, slumped in defeat. She couldn't ignore her problems forever, not while I was around.

"Y/n L/n?" The person on the other end asked. Their voice was serious and I could immediately tell they took no shit from anyone. I almost understood why my mum had been avoiding the call all day.

"The one and only," I confirmed, smiling at my mum who dragged her hand down her face. Apparently, she wasn't amused with the attitude I had taken to things.

"Is your mother home?" The person continued, ignoring me almost entirely. "We have been unable to reach her all day."

Before my mum could run, I grabbed her wrist and gripped it tight, not about to let her get away. "Actually, she's just here. I'll get her now." Smiling sweetly, I handed the device to her. "This is for you," I batted my eyelashes.

Mum rolled her eyes but took the phone anyway, putting it to her ear and mustering up her best 'yes I actually want to be having this conversation' voice before answering. "Hello?"

I was unable to hear one side of the conversation and given that it was arguably the more important side, I grew bored very quickly and went to go watch YouTube in my room.

After about an hour, I decided that I left more than enough time and exited to see my mother hanging up the call just as I entered the kitchen. She had a very similar, shocked expression to the one she had last time we were in a situation such as this. My stomach dropped.

"Yep, okay, th- thank you," she finished, hanging up immediately before staring up at me with wide eyes.

"Mum?" I asked, not entirely sure if I wanted to hear an explanation this time.

"I'm to be the next Empress of Ninjago," she whispered breathlessly, looking down to the phone that had (once again) delivered life-changing news.

"What-" I spluttered, for that was not at all what I thought she would say. I breathed a shaky laugh, searching her face for any sign that this might be a prank. It had to be a prank... right?

"And you're to be Princess," mum pushed, watching as I drew back the other stool and collapsed into it, filled with what was now equal shock. It wasn't real, this wasn't real. This couldn't be real.

"Oh my god. Oh my god." I didn't know what else to say. What else could you even say in a situation like this?

"Now that Princess Harumi is dead, I'm technically... the next one in line," she explained. Even she couldn't believe her words.

I rubbed my temples and a billion questions popped into my head all at once, fighting to be asked and answered. I had no idea how to even begin answering a single one.

There was only one thing for sure:

Boy did I regret picking up that phone.

⛰🍃🌪🍃⛰

I shook my head, regretting even coming here to think in the first place. This was supposed to be my night of freedom, something to get away from everything. Instead, I had a brilliant half an hour conversation with a boy who I would probably never see again, then sat here the rest of the night thinking about the very thing I was attempting to forget.

Not cool.

Either way, I didn't have a lot of time to get home and really, I didn't have much of a plan either. So I would consider it a miracle that I actually did end up in my bedroom with minor injuries (a few scrapes) and without being caught. The palace should probably step up its security.

Finally, I crashed into bed just as the sun creeped in through my window, showering the room in a light I would have preferred not to see, for that meant the day was starting soon and that meant more headaches. I sighed, staring up at my ceiling as I assessed the last twelve hours. I wouldn't call it the best of nights, but I did prove one thing.

I could totally get out of here again.