The author is @tambren .I hope this helps you improve :)

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Title:  A Different FNAF story

First thoughts on title: This sounds like the title of an AU or you're majorly messing around with canon. Unless this is AU I might change the title, Tomorrow is Another Day, sounds pretty good for a FNAF story not all Fanfic book titles need to have something to do with the fandom.

Cover: That cover looks like it definitely belongs to an AU because the characters look too happy and they have a human form. Since FNAF is a horror game it seems like it should have a darker themed cover, if there's romance it can be a dark romance. Unless your book falls in line with the True good ending of FNAF 3, where the kids move on. So it gets a 5/10 it's a good cover but it feels more like it belongs to an AU or FNAF 3's real ending. It isn't bad to look at by any means but it's not suited for FNAF's current world.

Summary:  Nightingale and mayweather are twins. One is perfect, one is not. Freddy fazbear's is somewhere Nightingale and mayweather become attached to. One comes out new and improved. One changes for the worse....

Thoughts: So this summary is good but at the same time it's a bit too bare bones. Another example of a way to write it would be like this: "Two twins, Nightingale and Mayweather. One is perfect and beloved, another is unwanted and ignored. Freddy Fazbear's is somewhere both adore. But upon entering, one comes out new and improved. While the other changes for the worst..." Also always capitalize names especially Mayweather's because she would be considered a protagonist. 3/ 5.

First and second impressions:

1. Okay...so their dad is a guard there (Freddy Fazbear's) , the night guard to be exact. And Nightingale finds the stores work manual so she can make her dad proud. Truth be told you have a neglected child (in a sense) written pretty well. However I don't think that Nightingale would be able to understand much of that manual even if she is smart for her age. Your basic animatronic manual is similar to a car manual, if you don't know or weren't taught much about it then you wouldn't be able to instantly know how things work after reading it once. Here are some pictures of an animatronic manual for reference:

Even work manuals have training to go along with them. So instead I would say that her dad taught her some of the stuff to keep her out of his hair.

2. While the dad was definitely briefed on his job as a night guard, I would highly doubt that he'd let the animatronics near his children, especially the one that he considers his favorite. It's the same reason he wouldn't let Gale inside at night, because of what she does in that chapter with the buttons plus during the night the animatronics would be deemed as going 'haywire'. So they would definitely kill Gale for being out of 'costume'.

As for them having human forms, I can get over it easier than most people however the problem of the Springtrap suits remain, if it has a human form then it can't squeeze someone's body to death inside. As for what happened with May I would suggest having the springtrap suit that was never possessed injure her.

Why? Because it fits with some of the main FNAF lore and theories, remember the multiple springlock failures the Phone guy mentions? It would make your book fit the lore  if May somehow gets too close to the animatronic (be it on stage or while they're turned off) then she gets her head stuck in the mouth of the animatronic and due to her tears the springs moisten and clamp down on her head.

Another 5/10 while some of the FNAF lore is consistant you could do so much better with all the expansive lore it has. However you fall very short unless you make sure to tell us if this is an AU or FNAF's 3 true ending where the spirits move on. If it's the latter then this could be a reincarnation story, the purple man isn't passed on and wants to kill more children so the other animatronics have to come back/reunite to put him down for good. Hey if you want May or Gale can be the puppet and help them since it doesn't technically have a gender.

Grammatical rating: 2/5 out of everything else without a doubt you need to work on this book's grammar, punctuation and Capitalization. You always had Mayweather's name in lowercase letters, sometimes your I's weren't capitalized. The thoughts weren't always in italics. Also one of the number one rules of writing is that if you aren't writing an interactive book don't place author's notes/comments in the middle of your chapter and never tell the reader about the foreshadowing. You can make a offhanded comment about it in your author's note an example of that would be: "Gale and May are sixteen in this chapter because it feels easier to write." Trust me readers are clever so they'll pick up on the foreshadowing especially in FNAF related content where conspiracies and lore rule everything.

Genre ratings:  Fanfiction 3/ 5 on the fanfic originality while I'm sure people write stories about being a night guards child, a animatronic, purple guys kid, or friends with the FNAF animatronics you do it a very unique way by giving your characters reason as to why they want to be friend the animatronic, why the Night guard hates the animatronics other than disliking what they do at night. At the same time I have to take into account that this is a FNAF story based on lore and a lot of it didn't match up. 6/10 As for your MCs they fit in the FNAF universe in their own way as stated in the above reasons, however Gale has the biggest unusual impact. I know that she's supposed to be a love interest for Freddy or Foxy, however she's not a ghost/spirit like they are so her being in the suit would've killed her. And by the time FNAF 1 started you have to remember that the springlock/trap suits were discontinued immediately. Even golden freddy is a decommissioned spring suit.

Subgenres:

Paranormal category: Since I have to rate this one alongside the FNAF theories/lore type of sub genre I'm rating it a 3/ 5. While you did get some of the FNAF lore correct, a lot of your story contradicts with the lore FNAF has. I can tell that you did some reasearch and possibly examined the theories yourself though. 8/10 on the laws of the novel and the world you managed to create in it, like before the biting incident the animatronics are free to roam during the day, however considering the fact that the night guard/MC's dad knows what they're really like due to his job, I doubt that he would've allowed his kids especially his favorite daughter to go near them.

Romance category: For the romance sub plot I would rate the dialogue 3/5 due to the grammar errors, and inconsistencies. And a 4/10 for the relationship pacing, I get that Freddy has kind of been Gale's only friend in this case but I feel that everything went too quick. I understand that Gale wants the attention she craves but she didn't think twice about Freddy's 'night time' mode, truthfully he would kill her once she's an adult. However I will admit her reaction was appropriate to the death of her Father was extremely appropriate.

Overall scores:

Cover-5/10

Summary-3/5

Grammatical rating-2/5

Genre rating-

Fanfiction 1: 3/5

Fanfiction 2: 6/10

Sub-genres:

Paranormal 1: 3/5

Paranormal 2: 8/10

Romance 1: 3/5

Romance 2: 4/10

Final score: A 5/10 while you stand out on your own by creating unique OCs it feels as though you're still firing on FNAF 1 cylinders. The lore contradicts a lot of your book, I would definitely go back and edit it because it looks very sloppy. Beyond anything else though make sure you fix your grammar or if you have trouble with it for some reason find an editor.