Chapter 43 - Safe

— Tris

There is no more than a sticky note on all of the papers inside the envelope.

"That son of a bitch," I mumble under my breath.

He was alive just five weeks ago.

I'm shocked when silent tears stream down my face, tears I didn't ask for.

"You're a pain in the ass when you're here," I look up to whatever afterlife Ian may be located. "And then you're a pain in the ass when you're dead too." I feel myself sob by the end of my sentence.

Everyone got a letter. You're not the only one. You can choose to take it, or you can choose to claim this as your letter like everyone else. I have my decision, but I can't force you to do something I know you feel so strongly against.
Regardless—
Thank you for everything.
-Ian

I shove the note and all of the papers into my desk drawer and don't bother covering it.

Taking that job would be like asking for being exiled from the city.
And yet, by Dauntless protocol, I cannot say no.
But according to his note, no one knows he picked me.

"I can't deal with this right now," I think out loud, leaning back in my chair, gritting my teeth for the pain a caused in my side from the injury I sustain.

Amar knocks on the door that I never closed and seats himself in one of the chairs across from my desk.

"Chris was going to run down and get you, but I told her to give you a minute. Everyone got notes on their desk the day he was pronounced, well, dead." He hesitates.

"You alright?" He says after a few seconds and I nod. "I just need to lay down," I say rushed wanting to avoid questioning about the note from Ian.
No one has been deemed with the papers yet, and Amar has to know that.
Everyone expected Amar to be next in line for head ambassador, but by old law the appointed person must be younger than the predecessor of the position.
Amar is a year older than Ian is.
Was.
Was a year older than Ian.

"I'd offer for you to stay with me, but I'm leaving early for Erudite to see George if I don't go over tonight. Zeke and Shauna have Indy and my boy Rex," he refers to his old dog. "So it's a little crazy over there with the two of them and the last thing you need is an excited dog jumping on you. I'm sure Evelyn would let you stay with her, so that's an option. Or else Christina's. She has Will and Rose, but I think she's already expecting you to stay with her."

For a minute I am angered at the idea of going anywhere than my own bed, putting on one of Tobias's shirt and sleeping, or at least attempting to sleep, for twelve hours straight.

Then I think about how it's probably better to be around people and not alone. I recall how dizzy I got from pain when leaving my parents house, and how I probably would've fallen if Amar wasn't there to grab onto.

I badly want to stay with Evelyn. I know it will be quiet at her apartment, and I've been clinging to my mother so much these past few weeks.

And yet my preference I found myself standing next to Christina as she unlocked her apartment.
I couldn't say no when I knew that she had been planning for me to stay with her. I couldn't find the words or the energy, plus she stated that she had already broken into my house and gotten me some clothes and things I might have needed for the night.

"You remember Tris, right?" She asks her sister who sits on the couch, a large ice pack on her knee which is propped up.

"Yeah, hey." She smiles at me and a smile back.

"Will went to bed," Rose states to no one in particular as I lower myself into one of the chairs in the living room. "And I probably will too once I finish icing again."

"Was Will injured?" I ask her.

"Just some stitches and a bad slice to his arm, so basically a lot of stitches."

I nod, glad that he is alright.

"What happened?" I ask, motioning to her knee.

"Dislocated it while running from the guy who got Will's arm. Did you see those massive blades they had? They were freaking insane," she exclaims. I nod, my thoughts drifting as to if I was ever trained to use one of those blades like I was trained on the staffs and never knew it.

"I heard about yours," she comments. "Rock smushed pole which somewhat smushed you?"

"Basically."

We sit in each other's company for a little while before Rose grabs her crutches and struggles to stand.

"Here," I stand and offer her my hands. "I know the struggle of crutches," I relate too easily to her struggle of balance.

She is tall, just like her sister. Their features were similar with the tanned skin, dark hair and brown eyes. However, personality wise Rose always seemed much more reserved, less like a candor, in my personal opinion. She was mellow, and she always seemed like she didn't care much about people around her when I've met her in the past. Not to a selfish aspect, but to a reserved aspect of minding her own business.

"Thanks," she smiles, towering over me as she stands. "Good night."

"Night," I pick up her ice pack and slowly move to the kitchen to place it in the freezer. I know that I too should ice my abdomen, but the cooling air as the winter begins to settle in has been giving me a constant chill. I decide one night of skipping ice will not set me back too far in my healing.

"I'm going to bed, unless you need anything," Chris leans on the frame of the entrance to her kitchen. "I have some clothes in the bedroom right here for you," she points to the bedroom next to the kitchen left of where she's standing. "Rose is right next door, and I'm across the hall and I'll have my door open. Please come and get me or yell if you need something, and don't feel bad either. Rose has been doing it all week, and I'd rather be woken in the middle of the night rather than find you on the floor half dead in the morning," she says frankly.

"Alright, thank you," I say smiling lightly. Knowing my way around her apartment, I help myself to a glass in her cabinet and get a glass of water and she remains in the doorway as if she is contemplating something. I raise an eyebrow at her, knowing despite the darkness that she can see me.

"Good night, Tris," she snaps out of her daze on me and stands from where she was leaning. I bid her goodnight and bring the water with me to the bedroom.

All I remember is pulling back the covers and laying down when I wake in the morning.

Genuine shock replaces me when I notice that it's morning and that I actually slept last night.
Rolling over, panic surges me as the nausea comes on quickly.

I have to worry about other people being in the bathroom when this happens now.

Sitting up, I move quickly, only noticing the pain in my leg as I move across the living room to get to the bathroom.
I'm relieved to see it is unoccupied and the door is open, but I worry as I feel the bile begin to rise and quicken my pace painfully, making my urge to puke even worse.

Someone must hear me awake, because as I release my guts into the toilet without closing the door I hear footsteps from outside the door getting closer.

"Oh gosh," I hear Christina mumble, coming over next to me. "You should've went to the bathroom in my bedroom, it's so much closer."

"Couldn't risk running into you and your man," I joke in between rounds of vomit and Chris scoffs hitting my arm lightly.

"We're all in the kitchen, so you would've been fine," she remarks back and I can hear the eye roll in her tone.

"You good?" She asks as I flush the toilet, leaning back on her sink still sitting on the floor.

"Yeah, it happens all the time, mostly in the morning. I'm saying it's stress, but my mother wants me to get checked out again being back home. She's worried the candor doctors that first saw me might have missed something that the pole hit that could be causing the nausea. I don't know."

"Probably wouldn't hurt," she sits next to me, her knees to her chest.

We sit, enjoying the other's company for a little while before a voice fills the apartment.

"Christina did you get Tris last night or Amar? Or did we strand her in her office because I don't remember seeing who she left with." Shauna yells and I laugh as Chris stands up to find her.

"I thought you had her," Chris jokes. "You know, I bet she went to stay with Lynn. You know just how much Lynn loves having people at her house."

"Don't even get me started."

Using the countertop around the sink, I stand, my leg throbbing terribly and my dizziness making me feel like I may fall.

I can just make it to the toilet and sit until I'm alright.

I look in the mirror and see how bad I look.
I also see that I'm seeing three of me.

"Chris, or someone?" I call, hearing the worry in my voice.

Will is first to make it to the bathroom, and he is quick to hold onto me under my arms and sits me down on the floor.

"Get her some water," I hear Will's voice foggily.

"I'm fine," I say weakly.

He laughs, "No, you clearly aren't."

I feel something cool on my forehead and realize he must have put a cloth on me.

"Tris, did you eat anything yesterday?" I hear Shauna next to me, her face fuzzy.

"Uh," I try to think about it but it makes my head hurt worse. "I, I slept late and then Amar came and," I think about it again. "No," I reply.

"Tris, it's ten thirty in the morning. You said you slept late yesterday too?"

I mumble a yes.

"You literally never sleep, like at all," Chris enters and I see her hand what I assume is water to Shauna.

"Sip it, you don't need to puke again." Shauna says and I wonder how she knew I was puking before she had shown up. It suddenly is clear to me how foul the room smells.

I feel few tears stream down my cheeks as my vision slowly clears. I hear my heart racing in my ears, and I feel myself grow nauseous again.

"Just breathe," Shauna says, her thumb on my cheek, probably wiping away tears. "Shh, breathe Tris."

The next two mornings are easier, for I was able to get into a schedule and actually not forget to eat those two days.

"Everyone's down in the Main Building," Chris basically begs. "Come with me, it'll be good for you to get out. We don't have to do anything else, go anywhere else. Just get up and move around. We can go as slow as you need."

"Come in Tris," Shauna agrees with Chris.

"I don't like it when you guys gang up on me," I sigh, getting to my feet which already have shoes on them. In the minutes earlier, Chris put them on for me when I made the excuse that I didn't want to put shoes on so she did it for me.

I stand and limp over to them, the pain in my leg not getting any better as the days pass. However, the bruising on my ribs has downgraded to a lighter shade of purple and red and I notice the pain it causes me less and less each day.

I shoot a pissed off look at Shauna as I meet her at the door, she exaggeratedly smiles in response and I poke her cheek with my finger.

Every moment that we make our way down to the main building thoughts of doubt fill my stomach and I worry that I will puke again.

I can't go back to face the ambassador hallway.
I can't face those papers in my desk.
I can't face all these injured people, wishing that I could've remembered something before all of this that could have saved them from getting hurt.

I consider turning around, but I know it would be worse if I did.

We were so far from Christina's apartment, and my leg hurt too badly to walk back there before resting.

Plus, I couldn't take the disapproval from her not getting her way of me going to the main building if I turned back.
I couldn't tolerate an argument.

Shauna holds the door to the main building for us and I enter first, physically almost dragging my feet.

Why did Rose get to stay back at the apartment?
If I had to come, why didn't she have to come too?

And then I saw him.
My heart fluttered as I found myself at a sudden lack of all the negativity I had the whole walk down here.

He stood, his arm in a tan sling, a dark bruise over his right eye clearly visible from where I was standing a distance away.

I was probably crying.
I could have been running to him.
I might have said his name.

All I knew for sure was that both my hands were on his cheeks and my lips were against him.

For a couple who never showed much affection in public, I knew the murmurs might have been about us that I heard as the passion of our kids intensified.

But I didn't care.

All that mattered was that he was here and so was I.

We both were okay.
We both were safe.
That was more than I could ever ask for.