PRESENT TIME

One of the benefits about showing up at the hospital in the middle of the night with a kidney infection is that the first thing they do... is give you something to bring down your fever and subdue the agonizing pain you're in.

"Take this with a full cup of water." The nurse who walked into Zelena's room said.

"Is this Vicodin?" Zelena asked.

"Yes." She said.

"Five milligrams?" She asked, which made the nurse look at her in surprise, not knowing how she knew the exact dosage that she was given.

"Uh, yes."

We know what you're all thinking.

"I um... I got in a car accident like three years ago, and they gave me Vicodin because my leg was like severely messed up. Anyway, it just wasn't... it wasn't good for me. It really, really upsets my stomach." Zelena said.

"Oh, okay." The nurse said.

"Yeah. I think I'll just go with plain Tylenol." Zelena said while handing the cup back, but in the years that she's been to the hospital, she's learned a trick or two, when the nurse wasn't looking, she was able to sneak the Vicodin out of the cup and when she handed the cup back to the nurse, she didn't even look down to make sure the pill was still inside.

"Are you sure? Kidney infections are extremely painful." She said, and Zelena wanted to roll her eyes because she obviously knew that since she was dealing with one at the moment.

"I'm sure. Thank you." Zelena said. The nurse nodded her head and left the room, and as soon as she did. Zelena grabbed her water that was sitting at her bedside table, and she took the Vicodin with ease.

It's not a relapse if it's warranted. It's a hall pass.

Then her doctor came in. "According to the paperwork that your brother filled out, it appears that you have some pretty extreme substance abuse issues. So, I think you made the right call to stick with Tylenol." The doctor said, and Zelena sighed while nodding her head. Although the Vicodin had kicked in by the time the doctor got there and she felt a little bit woozy, she kept her composure.

"You know if I ever come back here with cancer. I hope to god you're not my doctor." Zelena said, and the doctor thought she was joking as he laughed and started to leave the room. "No, I'm completely serious."

Zelena felt at ease in the hospital. She didn't have to worry about anything. Benjamin stayed with her the entire time, and brought her food from outside of the hospital because he knew how much she didn't like hospital food, and also, Nate came to visit her.

And she didn't push him away.

Nate Jacobs lay in Zelena's hospital bed next to her, looking at her with concern coated in his eyes. He failed, a third time. He knew he should've just gone inside of Zelena's house anyway and checked on her, despite if she didn't want to see him because he felt he shouldn't have left her alone to suffer the way that she did.

"Did all this happen because of the Halloween party?" Nate asked her. Zelena turned on her side to face him, feeling happy and sick to her stomach at the same time that he was there with her. She slowly shook her head.

"No." She said.

"Zelena... you promise?" He asked, and she nodded her head.

"Yeah, I promise. I've been like this our whole lives Nate... ever since we..." She trailed off, not wanting to bring up the forbidden incident of finding Cal Jacob's home videos of what he liked to do in his free time. She shook her head as she took a deep breath. "Not all the time, but sometimes. You make it better though." Zelena whispered to him, and Nate grabbed her hand before kissing over her knuckles.

"I'm so sorry, Zee... that I wasn't there to protect you." He whispered back to her, and she shook her head, knowing that she couldn't blame this on Nate. Seeing him with Maddy triggered her, especially after everything that happened with Tyler, but she didn't blame him.

"You don't have to be sorry, Nate..." She whispered. Nate leaned forward and kissed her forehead before wrapping his arm around her body.

"You were never my Maddy replacement, Zelena. You mean more to me than she ever could, I just can't... I can't bring you into our mess because I don't want to lose you." Nate said, and Zelena sniffled while a tear fell down her cheek.

"You already lost me when you put Tyler in jail for no reason, Nate... but despite myself, I just can't stay away from you." She whispered. Nate didn't know what to make of her words, but he knew that he didn't want to stay away from her either. He pulled her closer to his chest and Zelena laid her head down on his shoulder before closing her eyes.

"I love you, Zelena... and I mean it. Almost losing you three times is the worst feeling in the world. I don't know how to live without you in my life and I refuse to. I love you, I'm so in love with you. I love you so fucking much it physically hurts sometimes." He whispered. Zelena was overwhelmed by his confession, but she knew she felt the same way. She loved him that, and also hated him, just as much.

"I really hate you sometimes, Nate Jacobs... but I love you with all of my heart. I've been in love with you for a while."

―

"Hi, I'm Benjamin. Zelena's brother." Benjamin Lincoln stood up in front of everyone who was a part of the NA meetings that Rue and Zelena attended. They asked the parents, siblings, or guardians of their fellow addicts to write about what their child, siblings, or you know the person they have guardianship over addiction has cost their family.

"Hi, Benjamin." Everyone greeted him. Zelena reached over for Rue's hand because she knew that she was going to cry. Rue's mother had already spoken, and Gia was sitting on stage with her.

"They asked me to write a letter about what your addiction has cost us as a family, and as I sat down last night to write it, I started to think about the day you were born. At first, I liked being the only child and didn't want another one. But even at five years old when mom and dad let me hold you for the first time, looking down at your adorable and peaceful face, I had never felt so much love for another human being since mom and dad. And I knew I wanted to protect you from anything harmful that could come your way." Benjamin said, giving his sister a smile, and she bit down on her lip as she felt her eyes watering.

"Then I started thinking, what if at that moment I heard a voice, some omniscient narrator who said, here's what's going to happen. Your sister is going to be funny, smart, and outgoing, you'll see it instantly as you two grow up together. She'll be charming and make friends easily. She'll be kind and sensitive, sometimes a little too sensitive. She won't always be the easiest to live with. She'll struggle, and so will you. And in turn, you'll struggle to understand her. Your age difference, your gender difference, it'll be hard to understand what's going on inside of her head." Benjamin continued and Zelena noticed he started to get a little shaky as he continued.

"When your sister turns 14 years old, while you're away at college... she's going to get into a car accident. You'll lose both of your parents and she'll need you. She's going to go in and out of states of depression, she's going to struggle hard with drugs as a coping mechanism. The worst day will be the anniversary of the car accident. The panic attacks, mood swings, disorganization, and all of the rage. Not just at you, but at herself. And the tough part is... you'll feel as helpless to help her as she does herself. You'll make mistakes, small ones, and big ones. You'll look for help from people who aren't helpful, or who don't actually understand what's happening. And the guilt will never leave you. But if you remain calm and patient, if you listen closely, you'll begin to understand her more."

Rue squeezed Zelena's hand. "You okay?" She asked, and Zelena nodded her head as her brother continued.

"And there will be moments of relief... in her and in you. Moments that feel so normal and calm, and rewarding that you'll find yourself praying that they last forever. Even though she's only a young teenager, and all the harder parts have yet to come."

―

Zelena came to The Winter Formal with Maddy, Lexi, and Cassie. Zelena and Maddy had a long talk about Nate and how they both deserved better than what he gave them. He didn't even give Zelena the title of being his girlfriend, but always said that she meant more to him than anyone. But the two of them decided to put their differences aside and try to move forward.

They found Rue and Jules sitting by themselves at a table and approached them. Maddy pulled Jules into a hug, while Zelena hugged Rue. "Zee, you look gorgeous," Rue said, and Zelena smiled.

"So do you," Zelena said back.

Zelena sat down in between Rue and Cassie. Maddy was on the other side of Jules, Lexi was on the other side of Cassie, and Kat was next to Lexi. "What if these are like the big moments in life? Like, my mom always talks about how high school was like this big monumental part of her life. But I cannot imagine being 40 and looking back at this like, 'wow.'" Cassie said.

"Yeah, but that's because most people peak in high school," Maddy said.

"Definitely not me. I have so much more room to grow and be a lot better than I am right now." Zelena said.

"I definitely haven't peaked yet, so..." Kat trailed off.

"I feel like I'm not even a person yet," Lexi said.

"Yeah, I'm definitely at like, 25% peakness." Cassie said, laughing a little.

"I feel like I'm at a hundred," Jules said, she was sitting on the other side of Rue and Zelena rolled her eyes. "But I can definitely get to 150," Jules said.

"That's not even mathematically correct," Zelena said.

"Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far," Rue said, and Zelena looked at her.

"Right there with you, Rue," Zelena said.

"What do you mean?" Cassie asked the girls.

"Well, I mean, I just always had like... this overwhelming anxiety that something bad would happen," Rue said.

"After the car accident, and then just... I don't know, I guess I never really dealt with it, so the fact that I actually made it to seventeen feels like a small victory." Zelena followed up with.

"In all fairness, last summer, there were like, three weeks where I thought you two were dead," Maddy said to them, and Zelena looked at her.

"You were probably a little relieved about me though, right?" Zelena joked, and everyone at the table just looked around, which made Zelena laugh. "Guys... it was a joke... too soon? Okay." She said.

"Yeah, but they've been sober for like, three months, right?" Jules said to them. Maddy raised an eyebrow as she looked at them.

"Weren't you in rehab like six months ago?" Maddy asked. Rue and Zelena both looked at each other before looking back at Maddy.

"Uh, yeah," Rue said.

"So, I guess you can do the math in your head," Zelena said.

"Maybe people are nostalgic about high school because it's like the last time in their life that they get to dream. After this, it's just bad jobs, bills, and bad husbands. Maybe I'm generalizing, but. I don't know. Do you guys get what I mean?" Cassie asked.

"I don't know. I kind of feel the opposite. I feel like high school's super fucking suffocating." Jules said.

"Really?" Cassie asked.

"Yeah."

Jules excused herself from the table, and Rue watched her go but didn't follow after her, not for a while. Zelena hadn't even heard from Nate, and she was surprised she hadn't seen him yet. She didn't know why she wanted to hear from him. Maybe because he came to see her at the hospital, but then she remembered what happened after the hospital. As she was thinking about him, there he was. He walked in, with some blonde girl and as they walked past the table, that's when Zelena noticed it.

She had her entire ass out, and Nate was gripping it as they walked onto the dance floor. The rest of the girls at the table all looked to Maddy and Zelena for their reactions. "First of all, ew. Second of all, ew." Zelena said, shaking her head, as her thoughts drifted back to a few short days ago.

FLASHBACK

"Are you like... not hard?" Zelena asked Nate. After he had told her that it was never Maddy he was using her as a replacement for, but the other way around, the two of them had a long talk about how they felt about each other, and Zelena was willing to give him a try, not being his official girlfriend, yet, but she wanted to give things a trial run. A clean slate. She wasn't going to forget what Nate did, but she was hoping that maybe he could redeem himself.

She was lying face down on his bed, while Nate was inside of her from behind, but she could feel the difference, and she could tell he wasn't hard. "Not yet. Fuck." He said.

"It... it doesn't really feel like you're hard," Zelena said.

"I am. I'm... I am hard." He said.

"Nate, this isn't just something you just, like, lie about," Zelena said.

"Zee, I just got a lot of shit on my mind, okay?" Nate asked, trying to adjust himself inside of her so that he could get hard.

"Like right now? Like, during sex?" She asked.

"Zelena, stop." He said, letting out an exhausted sigh.

"Stop what?" She asked.

"Talking. Stop talking. Fuck." Nate exclaimed, pulling out of her, and Zelena turned back around to face Nate and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, I'm officially turned off. Just get off me." She said as Nate walked away and sat down somewhere else.

"Why the fuck are we even having sex?" He asked.

"Well... we weren't," Zelena said.

"You know what your fucking problem is? You can't keep your fucking mouth shut." Nate snapped as he put his boxers on. Zelena rolled her eyes thinking, here he goes again, on another one of his hissy fit baby rants.

"Yeah, and you can't keep your dick hard." She snapped back.

"Maybe the reason I can't keep my dick hard is because everyone at school is spreading these fucking rumors about me. Which you wouldn't know because you haven't been there in nearly two weeks." Nate said.

"Doesn't mean I haven't heard. They're not rumors. They're facts. You literally had like 40 different guys' dicks in your phone." Zelena said.

"I told Maddy not to fucking tell anyone," Nate said.

"Who the fuck do you think told Maddy? I did, and she probably told other people before you told her not to tell anyone. I only told Maddy." Zelena said.

"Yeah, well... she told them out of fucking context." Nate snapped.

"Really? Then what is the fucking context, Nate?" Zelena asked.

"I'd tell you, but I don't even fucking trust you anymore." He said, which made Zelena laugh.

"Don't even lie. But I guess I could say, kind of like how you fuck me, but you're not hard anymore?" Zelena snapped back. Something inside of Nate snapped and he stood up from where he was, and grabbed Zelena by her cheeks with one hand, covering her mouth as he squeezed her face, hard.

"Keep fucking talking, huh? Keep talking. Come on, Zee. Keep fucking talking." He snapped in her face. Zelena let out a shaky breath as tears started to roll down her cheeks. Once he heard her crying, he let her go and backed up, immediately feeling awful about hurting her.

"Look, Nate. I don't give a fuck if you're into guys, you're my best fucking friend, the least you can do is be honest with me." Zelena said.

"I'm not into fucking guys, Zelena," Nate said, putting his hands on his head. He was angry at himself for making her cry and hurting her like that, but she was frustrating the hell out of him.

"Sexuality is a spectrum," Zelena spoke through her tears.

"Fuck. What the fuck are you talking about?" Nate asked.

"It's not like anyone's 100 percent straight and 100 percent gay," Zelena said, remembering what Maddy told her when they were at the mall.

"Oh that is 100 percent bullshit," Nate said, before going into his bathroom and slamming the door shut. When Zelena heard the water running, she took that as her cue to put her clothes back on, before she left Nate's room, she was stopped by Cal Jacobs, and she said what she needed to say to get out of there quickly and she left.

She didn't look back once.

―

well, well, what a chapter. one more left.

don't forget to vote/comment.

xoxo.