CW: Mature for sex, and references to rape.

My name is Mio. All my life, I've wanted to go to Japan.

As an orphaned halfer, who doesn't speak a word of Japanese, I've been obsessed since I was a child, but life took over and now I'm forty. My husband suddenly passed away this summer, so I decide to go...much to the horror of my nineteen year old daughter.

I think she forgives my air-headedness only because I'm a writer. I'm setting my new novel in Japan and I need to do some folklore research, so I make that an excuse.

"It's a mid-life crisis!" she cries tearfully, expression filled with the residual angst of her teenage years.

"It's just research," I say to her, trying not to roll my eyes. "I'll only be gone for six months to a year, and then I'll be back. It's not forever."

I feel a twinge and rub absently at the birthmark on my chest that is hidden under my blouse.

"But why are you selling the house then?" she demands. I know the fact that I'm moving most of my things into a storage unit bothers her.

"It's just timing. With you in the dorms and your Dad gone, I don't think I can live in that house by myself. It's too hard. Besides, your Dad and I were thinking of downsizing anyway when it came time for you to move out."

"You're abandoning me!" she accuses.

"Sai! You're a spoiled only child and an adult. It's time you learn about being independent. In fact, it's time that I learn that too now that Dad's gone. I promise to video call lots. OK hon?"

It's the last time I speak to her in person before getting on the plane as her semester ends shortly thereafter and she becomes caught up with December exams. Thus, I arrive in Japan, just after the new year, feeling a little raw and quite lonely.

---

The snow falls softly.

I tilt my head and contemplate the old house I'm considering in a suburb of Tokyo. I go inside with the agent and an acquaintance.

"Can it be renovated? I like the old bones and the old style rooms, but I'm just wondering about insulation and things like that...since I'm going to be here for half a year, I don't want to leave behind my North American creature comforts...I really hate being cold..."

The agent's expression flickers a bit as he tries to understand my colloquial English and process what I'm asking.

It's not easy to explain my complete lack of Japanese that is so incongruent with my looks. I feel like the megane-san is looking down his nose at me.

Thank God for Mariko from the publishing office. She quickly explains what "Sensei" is going on about in rapid fire Japanese and suddenly the agent is all smiles, nodding eagerly.

I'm still a little uncomfortable being called Sensei...even though it's the norm for artists and writers in Japan. I try not to think of the Karate Kid movies, otherwise I break into a stupid grin when people talk to me. Perhaps that's for the best anyway. The persona of an eccentric writer is sometimes a great deterrent to social interaction...which I naturally suck at even at my advanced age.

Mariko explains that since the owners are in a hurry to get rid of it, the agent would be happy to refer a contractor to get renovations done at a reasonable cost as part of the purchase price. It appears that there are debt problems and the property with its beautiful old house and walled garden is being offloaded.

"Are you alright with it though?" asks Mariko, frowning a little. "The agent says that the property's history is unusual. Originally the real estate company tried to rent it out, but the tenants wouldn't stay and moved out one after the other. They complained of a....I don't know how to explain...not a ghost...but something weird about the house?" she said doubtfully. "I don't think I would recommend this to you, Sensei..."

The agent looks troubled, watching Mariko's expression as she explains.

I don't really register what she is saying to me. Instead I touch the post, standing on the deck, and look out into the garden.

"I don't feel that way..." I say, whispering almost to myself. "The house...feels like I'm...Anyway, I'm satisfied with this, I think. Please help me sign the agreement, Mariko-san..."

I almost said 'like I'm home'. I'm not sure if I can describe it even now. It's like the house that had been asleep for a long time is suddenly awake, and welcoming me right down to its old foundation. I've never felt more at ease in a place.

Before I know it, I own the house and it's the start of a frightening, exciting, and marvelous new beginning.

But I soon discover that I'm not alone.

I realize it about two weeks after I move in...the presence of something in the house. It's not particularly unfriendly. It's just there.

Silent eyes that watch.

I've always been sensitive by nature. I'm not afraid of being alone, but the eyes in the dark overwhelm me...did the other tenants feel this the same way that I'm feeling it?

I don't know.

The ceramic bowl I'm holding slips from my fingers and crashes onto the floor.

I sigh and kneel to pick up the white and blue pieces.

"Please," I say out loud. "I know you're trying to tell me you're here, but I really don't mean to do anything to disturb you. I just want to live peacefully in this house. Will you please let me stay here?" I plead.

The house is stubbornly silent.

"Look, I don't feel like you're something bad. I admit to being scared, so if we can just work this out, I think we'd both be happier," I sigh. "Ouch! Damn it..."

I've cut myself.

I take a deep breath and hold my bleeding hand. It's the last straw and I finally burst into tears. I don't mean to cry so hard, but once I start, the things that I had been holding back start to leak out with my tears. I cry for a long time.

Somehow the sound of the wind sweeps through the house, almost mournfully. As if the house is being sad with me.

I wipe my hand on the tea towel, and then my face. I only realize later that I've smeared blood on my cheek.

The house waits patiently for me while I bawl.

"Look, I lost someone close to me a few months ago," I explain. "I'm not used to being on my own. When I came here, it felt like I could start again. I don't think having company is such a bad thing. I hope you can understand," I say, putting my bloodstained cheek down on the floor.

I must have fallen asleep because I wake up to the feeling of someone brushing my face and hair. It's the gentlest of touches. Definitely a man's hand. And yet, in the darkness, I can't quite make out his face or his form. I should have jumped out my skin and screamed, but the touch is non-threatening, tentative, almost curious, and above all else...it is very familiar, accompanied by the slightest smell of pine.

As soon as I move, he's gone.

I sit up, touching my cheek, and I whisper 'thank you' to the darkness that has accepted me.

---

A month or two pass and the spring weather gives my heart an itchy feeling.

I finally see him standing in the garden. The ghost who has been watching. As I thought, he is definitely male.

He has his back to me, but I'm sure he knows I'm watching him. It's a strong and straight back, and he is very casually dressed in an old-fashioned way. Without a haori, and barefoot with a strangely knotted rope bracelet around one ankle, it's like he's just standing in his own back garden...which now that I think of it...he probably is...

I feel my face get hot. Even from the back, I can tell that the kimono is loosely belted and he isn't wearing an undergarment.

Oh my god. There's a half-naked ghost standing in my garden.

I go to hide in my room, burying my face under the pillow.

He's taller than I thought he'd be.

My head smokes.

His garden visits become a regular occurrence.

---

Some weeks later I find a different man standing in front of the house. He is hissing something in Japanese that I don't understand, but his words are filled with rage.

A sharp twinge shoots through my chest where my birthmark is. The house doesn't dignify his muttering with a response, but I wave my arms at him and shout in English, driven by an inexplicable rage that wells up inside me.

He seems horrified at the sight of me, mouth slack...then he turns and runs as if he's seen a ghost.

Maybe he has.

I find out later, from Mariko, that this is Ikeda-san, the original owner.

---

My mysterious ghost finally decides to introduce himself, showing up unannounced in the living room one day. We've been skirting each other, like cautious animals, but he is making the first move.

How bold.

Shoulder length ebony dark hair tied back in a loose ponytail, elegant features, and everything handsome: he can only be described as a beauty.

"Oh my god. You're real," I say, as he cups my cheek. His eyes are filled with a tenderness I don't understand, a gentleness that breaks open something I've been holding back inside.

I've grown used to him appearing in the corner of my vision and now that he's here in front of me, I'm not afraid.

He feels as solid and real as the floorboards under my bare feet. I can't help leaning my face into his hand, nuzzling into it as if to help me confirm that he is really here. In truth, I'm lonely...and I want to be lonely with him.

"Kirei..." he says, his eyes warming. He says something else, but I don't understand. I only find out later that he is trying to explain how he had become more solid. Apparently, as we interacted, he became less nebulous until he took a form and came into a shape resembling his own body. I can tell he is a little surprised by the whole thing himself.

I can't help laughing at the mischievous grin blooming on his face as he envelops me in his arms, like he's unwilling to let me go.

This is madness.

I'm embarrassed, so I say:

"I'm forty and I look like it. I'm not 'kirei', you silly man."

On the other hand, he looks like he is in his prime, somewhere in his late twenties. The clothes are the same as what he was wearing in the garden and I'm able to confirm that his chest is quite broad under the cloth. He's very well built.

"Oh my god, you are half-naked," I blurt, and then flush redder than a tomato. I silently scold myself.

His soft chuckle makes my head billow with steam. He leans closer, disordered hair falling over one eye. It gives him a rakish look.

"Faak. It's like you stepped straight out of Touken Ranbu or something..." I mutter.

His face flickers as he recognizes the words, but not the meaning. Then he frowns.

I laugh again. What a cute expression...

Apparently, he doesn't like that, because he picks me up and before I know it, he is striding towards the bedroom.

"Wait! Hey!" I say, thumping a fist on his shoulder.

Scrambling for the words, I finally yell "Chotto matte kudasai!" It's probably the only Japanese I know. So cliché....but this whole thing is...well, cliché.

He pauses, puts me down, and then folds his arms, waiting.

I slap my hands to my forehead, looking up at the ceiling as I smooth my trembling fingers over my hair.

His eyes become impatient again and he reaches to pick me up, but before he can, without even thinking, I stand up on my tip toes and place my lips lightly on his. He freezes, dark eyes widening. Settling back down on my feet, I look up at him.

Very carefully, I put my head on his heart, pressing gently, and then I put his hand on my cheek. I gaze at him, hoping he'll understand.

"You have to be patient with me. I think I know what you're thinking and feeling. I get it and I'm not trying to run away, but I don't know how to say it in Japanese, so you have to give me some time ok? Let's go slow."

I'm not sure if he understands, but he taps his forehead down to mine with a gentleness that makes me shiver. Releasing me, he steps away, waiting for me to take the lead. I nod, and then decide to start with the house. I take a breath and catch his hand in mine.

I eventually learn that his family name is Ikeda and his given name is Kougetsu. It's not a coincidence that he shares the same name with the raging man who's been here before.

---

Kou-kun and I get used to each other.

We spend almost all our waking hours together and soon it becomes nights as well, though nothing more serious than hugging happens. I slowly drop my guard and fall into a happy cycle of writing and spending time with him.

It doesn't last as I'm brought back to reality when Kou answers my cell phone one day. There is a brief exchange before I snatch the thing away from him and put it to my ear. I had forgotten that Sai took Japanese in school...

"Sai?" I breathe, trying to slow my pounding heart.

My daughter shrieks something incomprehensible into the phone. I can tell that she's angry.

I'm sure she never expected me to mourn for a long time. She knows that my life with her father was complicated, but I can tell it hurts her all the same. I feel bad, even though I know that she wants me to move on.

"Who answered the phone just now? Did you pick up a younger guy? Oh my God! What are you thinking?" I hear as I hold the phone away from my ear, making a face. "What the hell, mum!"

"I didn't 'pick him up,'" I say with exasperation. "He's the original owner of the house. He's visiting. I thought it would be polite to invite him in."

"Maaaaaaaaaam! What if he's like a perverted creep or something?" she yells.

You have no idea...I think to myself.

The perverted creep in question leans against the door frame eyeing the phone with distaste, his thick brows smashed together in a frown. I wave at him and smile.

We chat for a bit longer, but I can see that Kougetsu is on the verge of bursting.

"Sai...I'm hanging up..." I say, trying to hold back my laughter as my seductive ghost wraps his arms around me from behind. "Kougetsu!" I chide as he snatches the phone out of my hand and throws it onto the table.

A moment later he pulls me down onto his lap, running his hands under my shirt, and kissing the nape of my neck.

"Hey...wait..."

"No," he says very clearly.

Huh?

I sit up, twisting to look at him.

"Are you beginning to learn English..?" I ask. "Man, you're just naturally talented, aren't you? I wouldn't be able to survive outside without Mariko and yet, here you are..." I sigh.

I'm about to say something else, but his patience runs out and he simply shuts me up by putting his tongue in my mouth. We don't talk for the rest of the night as we were busy doing other things.

I stop him just short of the actual thing.

I go through two rounds of 'uhms' and 'ohs' trying to explain why we can't, before giving up because it's just too embarrassing. I hide under the bed sheets until he gently reaches in to pat my back. I can tell he isn't quite understanding my meltdown, but he's awkwardly trying to comfort me anyway. I'm so embarrassed that I cry.

Somehow, I manage to convey to him that we can continue physical intimacy as long as it doesn't involve actual coitus. I'm working on gathering the courage to go to the konbini. At the latest, I promise that it will only be one more week.

A few days later, wearing shades and a face mask, I manage not to explode in front of the convenience store clerk while making my embarrassing purchases. I try to think of Yashiro-san to make myself feel better, but I'm still red when I exit.

---

I decide it's do or die tonight.

Kougetsu has been waiting for me. I'm full of nerves, even though it's not my first time and we've kissed and touched each other a fair bit before now. Actually, that's a lie...I've touched everything on his body except that...

Kneeling on the bed facing him, I take the essentials and put them down between us, explaining what they are. Although he seems nervous and excited, he remains gentle and goes at my pace. When we finally remove each other's clothing, I show him what to do.

My face gets hot, and I feel a little bit weird. He makes a slight sound, letting his breath out a bit as he cups my hands over his flesh as I help him put on the condom. Before I can react, he is laying me down under his body.

I stare up into his face, and I don't realize that I've teared up until he wipes the corner of my eye with his thumb.

I'm not sure that I've ever wanted to be connected with someone as badly as I do at this moment.

Not surprisingly, we don't leave the bedroom for a week.

We eat in bed, make love, sleep, make love, bathe, make love in the bath, and so on.

At one point, we stop eating... and this might have continued for an unknown amount of time, except I wake up to find Mariko peering down at me with a horrified look on her face.

I'm so surprised my soul escapes out of my ears and I become a rock.

"Sensei! You can't sleep like this! You'll fall ill!" she scolds, gesturing to the open sliding door. The garden air is creating a breeze that stirs everything in the room.

I'm in complete shock and I'm surprised to find that I'm dressed in my short sleeve teddy bear nightie in a bed that has clean sheets. It takes a moment for that to sink in and I realize that Kougetsu has put a stop to the madness by bathing me and putting me to bed... and thankfully he's aired out the bedroom...

Thinking about the smell of sex, I turn beet red. I groan and cover my face. How could I forget that Mariko has emergency keys...?

"I couldn't get a hold of you for six days! You weren't answering your phone...I was concerned," Mariko chides, reading my mind. "It's a good thing I came. You look exhausted! Please, please mind your health while you are working!"

I give a bark of something that might have been laughter, but I jerk my head at Mariko's sharp exclamation.

Kougetsu walks in off the deck holding a basket full of clean sheets, looking handsome in a yukata and smelling like pine and sunshine. He smiles at me and then immediately sets the basket down, bows to Mariko, and then there is a rapid-fire exchange of Japanese that I don't follow, but Mariko is blushing to the roots of her hair.

"Sensei...you didn't say that you had such a nice neighbour! Ikeda-san says that you've been very busy and he's been looking after things so that you can rest!"

I can tell that she is scandalized, but too polite to say anything. I covertly glare at Kougetsu who only smiles smugly.

"Busy? Yes...you could say that I've been busy..." I mutter, trying not to think about what kind of 'busy' I've been in the last few days.

Kougetsu kneels down, pretending to be diligent with the laundry.

"Well, I won't intrude any further! Let me know if there's anything you need here," Mariko nods and hastily excuses herself. I only start breathing again when I hear the front door shut.

Then I groan and pull the quilt over my head, squirming.

Kougetsu unburies me and wraps me in his arms, grinning down at me.

"Argh!" I say. "There's no way that Mariko won't think we're lovers now."

As if to confirm it, he kisses the top of my head. It's obvious that he's delighted by the idea.

We might have started to make love again except my stomach makes a loud protesting noise, which makes Kougetsu laugh.

I'm mesmerized by it. It's the first time I've seen him bathed in sunlight, laughing with his head thrown back, and his hair in his eyes.

Lying on the bed, I hold my arms up to him. I must look anxious to him. From the change in his expression, I know he feels it too. We don't get out of bed for another few hours and by that time, he has to carry me as I can't feel my legs. I'm so hungry that my stomach wraps around my backbone.

---

We spend the next few weeks memorizing every part of each other's bodies with our hands.

His fingers pause on the oddly elliptical birthmark on my chest and I can't read his expression.

"Does my body bother you?" I ask shyly, as he strokes his fingers over my round belly and the stretch marks. I'm a little embarrassed at the untidy rolls of flesh on my forty year old, slightly overweight body.

He sits up a little, lying on his side with his head propped on his hand. His face becomes serious, though his eyes are twinkling.

"No...I like it," he says. "It tells me you've had a good life. You've known the joy of raising a child, you haven't experienced hunger, and the skin of your hands show that you've never had to do hard labour. All these things are good....I'm glad because you've been loved and cherished up till now."

Somehow, I find his words deeply arousing. Not in a sexual sense, but they give me a deep unspeakable joy, and tears well up in my eyes.

He cares for me that much...even if he wasn't part of my life then, that I was happy means something to him.

I pull him down and nestle against his chest. Although his body is warm (whoever heard of a warm ghost?), I can't hear his heartbeat. The silence of it frightens me, reminding me that I'm in the embrace of the unnatural. Things that go against nature don't last...all things return to balance...

How much time do I really have with him?

My fingers slide down under his robe, and he grabs my hand, startled. Then he rolls on top of me, kissing my fingers.

"Again...?" he chuckles. "My lover is so bold..."

I squirm under his intense gaze, but there are tears standing on my eyelashes.

"I need you..." I say, trying not to sound desperate. "Please..."

"I'm right here," he says, gathering me in his arms.

"I'm scared...Please hold me..." I beg.

I know this desperation, this anxiety, is no good, but I can't help wanting to feel the safety of his body combining with mine.

Gentle as always, Kougetsu loves me with the tenderness and patience of understanding, reassuring me with his body. Even if his words can't reach the dark cold spot inside my heart, at the very least, he tells me with his fingers, his hands, his eyes, and the sound of his breath catching in joy, that I'm the only one he cares about.

I'm slowly losing my mind.