Goodbyes.

They've never really bothered me before. But the one I've just had to say, has left me actually feeling sick. Saying goodbye to Clara, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Although I'll be seeing her in two weeks, those two weeks are going to be the toughest two weeks of my life.

Even while I'm sat on this plane, I feel like pieces of me are still back with her. I feel like the whole of me should still be with Clara, and not sat here; feeling so damn incomplete.

But that's how I am feeling.

Fragmented. Empty. Deflated.

All I keep seeing, is her emotional face. As I look out to the darkness of the night sky at 39,000 feet, I keep seeing the tears that she fought so hard not to let me see. When we said an emotional goodbye, heavy tears had pushed themselves through Clara's weakened lashes and sadly revealed themselves to me. Those tears, are now slowly killing me. Remembering each one of them, actually now hurts. Clara's so bravely fought tears, are now a constant reminder of just how important I am to her. They also confirm just how important she has become to me.

I'm here.

She's there.

But shit, she's now so completely important to me.

I'm so angry at myself. I'm also angry at my mom, at Maci, my record company, my team. I'm angry at anyone in my breathing space, right now. The best thing to have ever fallen into my life...and I go and leave her.

I had to.

I know I had to.

Mom has too much to deal with Maci all by herself and I have a lot of professional commitments that I must unfortunately honour.

I simply had no other choice.

I had to get on this plane.

I had to leave Clara behind.

And it's exactly that, that's now making me so angry.

I'm Rhys Ryan. My whole life evolves around that name. I've always known I'm just a brand name. A human commodity. People think I can do what the hell I want, but I'm often doing what other people want.

At all times, the 'brand' has to be looked after. In all honesty, I'm just the puppet on the fame string. I am told where to be, with whom, and on what day. It's exhausting. It's tiresome. Which is why I act a dick at times. Fame sometimes grinds me down. It can be lonely, even when you're not alone.

Yeah, I have money.

Yeah, I travel all over the world.

But these days, I'm just so crazily busy, I don't get to ever enjoy the money I do have and I don't get to see all the places that I travel to.

I'm always on an endless merry go round of worldwide promotion, people battling to interview me and gruelling touring. When I'm not promoting and touring, I'm writing and recording.

With all of that professional strain, I have the personal strain of my sister. Mom does her best, she really does. But her maternal best just isn't strong enough. Maci's problems have become ours to shoulder as well.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of it all.

Meeting Clara has made me realise just how tired of it all I really am. The thought of getting to be with only her in two weeks time, is going to be the only thing that's going to see me through the next fourteen days.

Closing my eyes. I try to shut out the hurt of having to leave Clara. Shut out the mess of Maci that I have to deal with as soon as my feet touch American soil. Shut out all that I need to do before I see my girl again.

"You okay, dude?" Will plonks himself beside me, a smile of sympathy curling up the corners of his mouth.

Blinking hard and slow, I nod. "Yeah, I'm cool." I wasn't. I'm morosely pissed. I'm already missing Clara, I still have lots of 'Rhys Ryan' stuff to wrap up following the tour and I also have to figure out what to do next about my sister. My brain actually feels likes it's going to implode.

Watching me rub my aching temples, Will talks to me in a quietly calm manner. "I'm just giving you the heads up, but the guys have been talking about the situation with Maci. Some journalist has been poking his nose in where he shouldn't be, asking a lot of intrusive questions, bringing up shit that he shouldn't really know. Cam and Jules will be talking to you about it, but the big balls at your record company think you need to distance yourself from all that's happening with your sister. They have it all set up that Maci goes to this little known treatment centre in Pasadena. It's a low-key rehab, but apparently has great results. Obviously, it will be discussed with you, but instead of you staying in LA, they're wanting you to fly straight out to New York to do a show with Jimmy Fallon and Seth Myers."

Once again, I find my life being organised by those all around me. Turning to look at Will, I strongly say a firm yet quiet. "No." Before looking back out of the plane window.

Will shifts beside me, urging me to look his way. "I know it involves more travelling, but it kinda makes sense."

I don't see that it does make sense. With that in mind, I keep my voice strong and stubbornly resolute. "For now, the whole Maci thing is still under wraps...so I'm doing what has been scheduled for me to do." I'm sticking to my guns, here.

I get that my record company is only trying to protect me. Trying to protect their 'brand'. But I'm just so sick of it. I continue to tell Will exactly what I'll be telling everyone else—I'm not going to New York. "As planned, I'll do The Ellen and James Corden Shows...in LA." Okay, I'll agree to keep a safe distance from my sister, but I can do that, even while I'm in LA. Mom won't be altogether happy about it, but she'll just have to understand. The stark truth is; Mom relies on me far too much. Wherever I happen to be in the world, she always expects me to just be able to 'fix things' with my sister. But Maci is broken. She's beyond repair. The press are getting ever closer to finding out the truth about her, it's really only a matter of time until they do. Because the truth is this—Maci keeps screwing up.

Selfishly and publicly, she keeps screwing shit up. And not even my fame and my money will manage to keep hiding all of her constant screw ups.

I know this.

My mom knows this.

My team knows this.

My record company knows this.

One day, the truth about my junkie sister will most certainly break.

One day, the whole sordid truth will be discovered.

And it will more than likely be Maci herself to do it.

When she's not in rehab, she gets high.

When she's in a rehab, she'll find a way to get out so she can go and get high all over again. Maci doesn't care how she does it, just as long as she can do it. I don't just fork out to pay for her expensive therapists and her high end rehabs, I also have to fork out a shit load of hush money, too. Because when Maci gets high, she doesn't care where or with whom she gets high.

So yeah, I can distance myself from my sister. That's a real easy thing for me to do. I've already been keeping my distance from my sister for many months now. It's just my mom that I always try to support. But as much as I want to, I just don't think I can support her at the moment.

I'm heading back to LA. That's all I have to give her right now.

I'm tired.

I need a break.

I still have a load of loose ends that need tying up to finish the worldwide tour on a professional high, and there's still so much more of my 'Rhys Ryan' persona to give. I just need to hold out for two more weeks, then me and my girl can retreat to Echo Lakes.

Jeez, it's going to be tough.

I'm missing her already, a missing that I never thought possible.

"How did you leave things with Clara?" Will asks, almost guarded in the way that he does.

Turning my head, ever so slowly, I pointedly answer him. "I'm here, on this plane...that's how I left it." There's anger grating against my answer, so raw and so obvious. I'm here, and I really don't want to be. Will is unfortunately now getting the brunt of all of my inward anger, and really shouldn't be. Sliding my eyes away from him with a quick apology, I sigh as I speak. "Sorry, Man...just ignore me."

I know that Will is thinking, thinking about what he should say next. "What's really eating you up inside, Rhys?"

With suppressed frustration, my answer rushes out of my mouth. "I think I've just said goodbye to someone I shouldn't have."

Will then smiles, one of those half-sure kind of smiles. "You'll be seeing her in two weeks, so it's not really a goodbye, is it?"

I know my friend. I know him well. Just like me, he's thinking the exact same thing as I am. "But what if she changes her mind? What if Clara decides that she doesn't want to see me again?" My eyes look out in front of me, my mind jostling with all the reasons why Clara might not ever come to LA. "She's terrified of flying, you know...what if it's all too much for her to even get on a plane?"

Will chuckles, foolishly nudging against me just like he used to when we were immature adolescents. "Then you go back for her."

He makes it all sound so simple. But my life has never really been that simple.

Sure, I can put my sister safely into yet another rehab.

And sure, I can make my mom understand why I need to temporarily distance myself from her and Maci.

But can I really make Clara get on that plane in two weeks time?

She's terrified of flying.

What if being apart from me makes her eventually terrified of us?

All of a sudden, I am feeling a whole lot of chaos against the backdrop of a simmering calm. "I think I might have to." Is my glum admission to Will. In my heart and in my mind, I already know that if Clara doesn't get on that plane to LA in two weeks time, that I'll most certainly be getting onto one, right back to London. I have a scheduled break planned, and either way, I'm spending it with Clara.

I feel like I have put everything and everyone else before my girl, so for those two weeks that I will be with her, she will become my first priority.

My one and only beautiful priority.