In which even the cryptozoology community recognizes the insanity of Florida Man.

Have I found my new favorite cryptid? Perhaps. And if you give me a moment of your time, you'll see why you should love the skunk ape just as much!

For example, the skunk ape is also called Florida Bigfoot, Louisiana Bigfoot swamp ape, myakka ape, myakka swamp ape, stink ape, swampsquatch, and...THE SWAMP CABBAGE MAN.

Just a quick note: this chapter is pretty abbreviated. I basically just ran over the basics of the skunk ape but Floridians take this cryptid pretty seriously, so there is a ton of information out there on this guy. I've only included stories and "facts" that I've seen listed on multiple websites and have a ton of stuff at the bottom if you guys are interested in doing your own research. There is so much out there on the skunk ape and you could easily spend hours digging through all the supposed sightings - I already have just to write this chapter!

TIMELINE

1957 - modern skunk ape sightings begin

1974 - Dave Shealy sees the creature for the first time

1977 - House Bill 1664 (HB1664) is proposed

1997 - Dave Shealy takes the famous swamp ape photo; tourists claim to see the creature

July 1997 - the skunk ape runs in front of Jan Brock's car; minutes later, Vince Doerr takes a photo of the creature

2000 - the anonymous woman sends in the picture and letter

July 2000 - Dave Shealy takes a video of the swamp ape

2016 - Best. State. Ever. A Florida Man Defends His Homeland is released

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LOCATIONS

Florida Everglades

Ochopee, Florida (specifically the Trail Lake Campground)

DESCRIPTION

The skunk ape, our stinky cabbage man, has four toes on each foot. Many of his footprints have been preserved in plaster. He is said to look just like a human man but covered in hair, described as very shaggy. (Yoinks!)

He can travel incredibly fast, at least according to Dave Shealy's sightings, and stands at six and a half to seven feet tall. In claims that there are multiple skunk apes, the males are said to be eight feet tall with the females standing slightly shorter. 

This creature doesn't have the most appealing odor, with Shealy describing its smell like a mix between a skunk and a wet dog - its scent is actually where the animal got its appealing name.

Also - fun, irrelevant fact - the skunk ape adores lima beans. Why? I have no clue. (Do you love him yet? I love him.)

FIRST SIGHTING

There is no one first sighting. At least, not one that has been recorded and remembered. Supposedly, stories of the swamp ape were told in the Seminoles and Miccosukee tribes for generations even before the arrival of colonizers.

FOLLOWING SIGHTINGS

DAVE SHEALY'S FIRST SIGHTING

When Dave Shealy was ten years old, he saw the skunk ape for the first time. Apparently the monster was well-known around the area, so the boys knew what they were looking at. Dave was little enough that his brother had to pick him up to see.

They stared silently at the creature for a few seconds before it began raining (ah, biploar Florida) and the creature hurried into the woods.

You'll read more about Dave Shealy in the major media appearances section.

TOURISTS COLLECTIVELY LOSE THEIR MINDS

A group of thirty to forty tourists was on a tour bus traveling through the Florida Everglades. Almost all of them claimed to have seen the same thing - a seven-foot-tall, red-haired ape. This helped put the animal back in the news.

Herd mentality is a thing, though. Just putting that out there.

JAN BROCK IS SPOOKED

While driving home from her real estate job, a large creature ran in front of Jan Brock's car. This was only two miles away from where Shealy had found alleged footprints.

DOERR'S PICTURE

This was taken minutes after Jan Brock's sighting in the same general area. These two sightings, when put together, are, in my opinion, the strongest evidence for the existence of the swamp ape. (Let's all just ignore the fact that this picture is super grainy and has absolutely no detail, okay?)

THE MYAKKA SKUNK APE PHOTOS

An anonymous woman submitted a photo of what appears to be the skunk ape to the Sarasota Sheriff's Department, along with a letter complaining that someone was going to get hurt if the "escaped orangutan" wasn't captured. Sightings like this tend to be more credible in my opinion (although the picture is grainy as hell and could very well be of an orangutan) because the people have a reasonable explanation, but when it doesn't quite fit, then the cryptid community swoops in with their own theories. With people claiming it's a cryptid right off the bat, I tend to get immediately suspicious. But with this lady, yeah, I'll buy that she was convinced a dangerous orangutan was plaguing her street.

DAVE'S VIDEO

https://youtu.be/LmRBUSK_Dsg

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MAJOR MEDIA APPEARANCES

HOUSE BILL 1664 (HB1664)

Apparently there were so many sightings in the 1970s that Floridians just sort of assumed the creature would eventually be caught and explained away. One such believer in the stinky cabbage man was State Representative Paul Nuckolls (what a last name). He wanted to pass a bill to protect the poor, defenseless cryptid. The bill would make it a misdemeanor to "take, possess, harm, or molest anthropoid or humanoid animals."

The bill was shot down because it's verifiably insane. Oh, well - at least Nuckolls tried to save Florida's favorite cryptid.

THE FAMOUS PHOTO

The photo is shown below. It was taken by Dave Shealy (told you he would come back!) - who would later open the Skunk Ape Headquarters - and made it onto major media networks around the world. Although the creature had supposedly been in oral legend before this picture, this is when it became known globally.

Now, I know this article is supposed to be on the swamp ape. And trust me, I love the swamp ape, and the rest of this chapter is (mostly) about him. But I do need to talk about Dave Shealy because I can't decide whether I hate or love him.

He's a very stereotypical cryptid believer. You know, hardcore Trump supporter but distrusts the government that Trump controls, all that good, contradictory stuff. But that's not all. He was in jail for three years due to the possession of 30,000 pounds of marijuana.

Let me put that into perspective for you. That's 15 tons. That's almost ten male hippos. That's a third of a whole-ass airplane. That's over 151 average-sized grown men. Imagine 151 average-sized grown men made out of pure marijuana.

So Shealy gets out of jail (which he was in for possessing 30,000 pounds of marijuana) and immediately gets into the skunk ape business. Seems suspicious to me, but you know what? If your career prospects have been destroyed because of your criminal record of possession of 30,000 pounds of marijuana, you've gotta make money somehow. And any rational person's mind would jump instantly to the popular, lucrative business of cryptid tourism!

COMEDY CENTRAL

Shealy got to meet the man, the myth, the legend, Stephen Colbert, during a Comedy Central interview. He even took off his shoes to prove he wasn't the one making the swamp ape tracks. What a champ.

SKUNK APE HEADQUARTERS

The Skunk Ape Headquarters serves as the place to get official skunk ape merchandise and is absolutely on my bucket list. It also has a lot of snakes and alligators and offers swamp tours to tourists. They made the documentary linked below! It's located in the Trail Lake Campground in Ochopee, Florida.

https://youtu.be/UqNAqsJSJN0

Best. State. Ever. A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

Perhaps not the most eloquent title, this book featured a chapter dedicated to Dave Shealy. (Strange how the man who made the skunk ape famous is more famous than the cryptid itself...)

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INSPIRATION

BLACK BEARS

Black bears are all over Florida. They're big and scary and can stand on their two back feet. In the dead of night, after a few beers (or 30,000 pounds of marijuana), I can see how people made a monster out of a bear. Bears are monsters, after all. But that's a rant for a different day.

ORANGUTANS

This is the most obvious suggestion. Orangutans are big and wacky-looking things and it must be super weird to see one outside of a zoo. Florida especially has an issue with the illegal pet trade (looking at you, pythons) so it's not outside of the realm of possibility that someone's pet orangutan escaped or was set free after the person realized that they had a large, intelligent wild animal living in their home, and terrified people for a few years before dying. After all, orangutans can live for thirty-five to forty years, and serious sightings began in the 1970s and petered off in the early 2000s.

MEME

This is an actual statue you can see with your own two eyes. It's in front of the Skunk Ape Headquarters.

FURTHER READING

skunkape.info

the below documentary from palmbeachpost.com:

https://youtu.be/aUHztIn_89s

"South Florida's elusive Bigfoot: Does the Skunk Ape really exist?" palmbeachpost.com (I already went over all this info but the article is actually really entertaining to read because of the writing style)

"On the Trail of Florida's Bigfoot - the Skunk Ape" smithsonianmag.com (I went over all the information but towards the end is a more general discussion of cryptids that I found really interesting)

"Skunk Apes: Hairy Humanoids of North America's Southern Swamps and Elsewhere - Part 4" thecryptozoologist.webs.com

"Report #721 (Class A)" brfo.net