"I release the blade that till now slumbered; my pride reflecting on its surface."

-Hibari Kyouya (Kokou no Pride/Superiority's Pride)

107. Pride  

When I woke up, I knew something was wrong.

I'm not being a cliche, it's because I wasn't on the same hospital bed I've slept on for five days. Hell-- it was much more comfortable than the stingy hospital bed could ever offer.

But the problem was-- nothing can ever match up to this level of foreboding I felt.

Rubbing my eyes repeatedly, I came to realize the fogginess from my unhealed eyes wasn't the cause of this unfamiliar view.  

I was on a couch. A sofa. A long, luxury sofa, with a thin blanket over me. The first thing I saw when I woke up was a bloody golden, jewellery frickin chandelier.

Wherever the hell I was, god bloody no.

My first attempt at walking in a whole week-- I tried just yesterday-- was disastrous. It was like my feet muscles had forgotten how to support my weight. They forgot how to handle the sheer mass of my own body. Forgot how gravity worked.

According to Amano it's just a little lack of use on my muscle's side of the story. Eventually, they'll remember and start to work well again. But for now-- he specifically told me to just take it easy and let other wounds heal.

So where the fuck am I?

I sighed. Looking around, I caught sight of the surroundings. A large hall-- no, not a hall-- a room? It was huge, expensive-- some pillars were carved with countless of intricate designs I would never understand. The floors were lined with a dark red carpet-- like the ones people line out for VIPs and royalty. The couch I lay on-- it looked brand new, and it went without saying the couch was made of something I can't even pronounce.

"So, like what you see?"

A head of blond hair, with the smile of a baketanuki, pops into view. 

Letting out a shriek of horror, I felt myself shrink into the couch attempting to run away. "Belphegor??"

Chuckling with his signature "Shishishishi," he straightens himself and sits down on the carpet. His eye level was on mine, so I turned to look at him with a sort of curiosity in my gaze.

"So, how're you not dead at the moment?" Belphegor asked nonchalantly.

Calming myself down, I struggled to a more comfortable position, sitting up and leaning against the backrest.

"Sun Flames." I answered, speaking a bit more nervously than Belphegor did, "I was apparently patched up in time to avoid death."

Belphegor's smile died out.

"So in the end, you were saved by other people again?" Belphegor questioned.

That irked me-- but what hit me more was self hate. That irritating sense of low confidence once again. "That's true." I whispered, reaching up to touch my throat. The bandages had been removed just yesterday, so it still felt strange. "I'm weak."

There was a pregnant pause.

"Boring," Belphegor muttered. 

Somehow, that word hit me harder than I expected. 

Boring. Not of interest anymore? Am I no longer of any importance? No longer worth looking at?

"Why was I brought here?" my anger spoke first, "Wasn't it because you wanted something from me?" I was-- I am still worth something in their eyes, I hoped.

I'm not useless.

"You said you wanted to join and stuff, so we brought you to see our leader." Belphegor chuckled, "We were looking forward to seeing you get shredded to pieces."

In response to my hostile tut, Belphegor smiled at me.

Great, I swore in my head, Just when I'm immobile and can't escape. 

"Oh, is he awake?" Lussuria pops by, in a tank top and looking like he's just done working out.

"Hey--" Belphegor spoke up again, his smirk permanent on his face, slurring like a psycho in disguise, "Do you still want to join the Varia?"

It was a rhetorical question. It wasn't an offer. Belphegor had never wanted me in, so this was a threat. After all I've been through and put out-- now that I"m useless in such dire times-- 

Do I still have the resolve to go on with what I've proposed?

I do, I did. Me? Going back on my word? Backing off like a coward?

I'm not strong, so why would they want me in? Why would I deserve to be in there?

Why?

Because I'm stronger than I want to believe. Physical strength is not my forte, but I can make up to it. I can, I can, I can. I've never missed a shot at darts!

I was angry.

Why?

"Hey, Belphegor," I was trying to smile, perhaps-- but my eyes were telling to kill. "I'd rather you not insult me that way, please?" 

My voice came out sweeter sounding than I expected it to be. 

"Right now, my legs don't work. My voice too, my eyes too. But I'll ask once again." My tone lowered. I was oddly calm. "Hey, what can I do to make you accept me into the Varia?"

The next thing I knew, a hard fist wracked down my head like a hammer. The world spun for a long minute as pain exploded in my brain--

--then I just blew up.

"Hey! What the hell was that for??"

After that, I choked on an ache in my throat and coughed.

Superbi Squalo tutted in disgust, and proceeded to growl. "You're really one creepy brat," he spat, "Letting out that kind of bloodlust in fuckin' vicinity of the Boss? What, you wanna die or something?"

Putting a hand on my shoulder comfortingly, Lussuria smiled. "About time you put out that flame of yours, eh?"

Flame?

Looking down, the Void Ring on my finger had lit up, a purple flame I've only seen once before. The mark of a Dying Will. My sign of resolution. What had triggered it?

Purple-- Cloud... Independence-- Pride.

"I'm not quite sure how to put it out..." I mumbled. That moment of pain seemed to shake the anger out of my senses. Maybe my head's a reset button, I thought, if you hit it all my emotions go back to neutral.

...Oh he better not fuckin' do that again.

"It should go away naturally if you will it to," Lussuria told me, "Since you look angry, why don't you just calm down for now?"

Nodding, I sighed and loosened up. I get getting angry at Belphegor was a little too quick on my part. Definitely didn't effect him at all --seeing as he's getting more cheerful by the second-- but me getting angry will only muffle my decision-making herein.

"Squalo-san," I spoke up again, letting the matter of the flame aside as I looked toward the white-haired man already seated on his chair at the side of the room, "My apologies for being overly rude the last time we conversed."

Belphegor chortled.

"Voi, you trash!" Squalo snapped at me, "Quit with the shitty half-hearted apologies!"

"They're not half hearted." I snapped back firmly, "Neither you nor Belphegor-- nor Leviathan have named your condition yet. What can I do to make you accept me as a member of the Varia?"

This made Squalo's face scrunch up in absolute displeasure. "Who do you think we are?" he said sharply, "We don't fucking pick up anyone that just wants to join! We're not a fuckin' Club Activity! Why the fuck are you so concerned about the Varia anyways?"

That shut me down.

As my thread was lost, my words swallowed and my mind filled me with regret. My face burned with embarrassment-- why did I even try?

Why am I begging to join the Varia?

"I have no reason." I told him truthfully. "I have nothing, and nothing's left of me."

Gripping my left fist, I looked at the purple flame. Flickering in bursts, as if it was struggling to stay lit-- but it showed no signs of fully extinguishing anytime soon. 

"I have information." I told him. "Information, surveillance, spywork experience. And much more--" 

Lifting my head with a somber, disgruntled expression, I begrudgingly revealed, "'The man in the iron hat' can't touch a hair on my head."

This made the all of them freeze.