105. Spill

When I first woke up, what filled me was fear. Flooded, suffocating in utter terror, rabid confusion, and a total lost of my bearings sent me into a panic.

I couldn't move.

Everything was blurry, foggy, white. I was weighed down by a warm sheet, and sharp objects were in my palms. Tubes and IVs went beyond where I could see myself-- and my whole body was numb. Paralyzed. Disabled.

Tied down by invisible chains.

Something held me down, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't budge an inch. My eyes were open, but I couldn't see. My nose was cold, my mouth was dry; and an irritating siren wailed beside my ears.

I wanted to scream, I tried to scream, but all I managed was a dry choke, soundless. My heart sped; beating loud and hard; reverberating under my skin; thudding in my ears.

I thought of nothing but how scared I felt.

Then a wave of calm washed over me-- forced, administered; medication, I heard later-- my eyes drooped; and quickly my senses went back to sleep.

-

It was darker the next time I woke up. Darker, but this time, I was able.

My body could move. My eyes drifted across myself-- I was lying down. The whole world was sleep-blurred, and my head hurt each time I shifted it. The blurriness irritated my vision.

Deciding to close my eyes, I let out a sigh.

I heard beeping. A rhythmic chime, perfectly in beat to an inaudible tune. 

Slowly, I curled the fingers of my left hand. Closing them-- opening them, squeezing them hard and feeling my muscles whine back. 

I've been out for a while, I realize. My muscles were out of shape, trying now to recall how they're supposed to work.

Curling my other hand, I flinched slightly as I felt a something curving within my hand. Needles, I guessed-- IV drips. Needles were in this hand-- so I shouldn't squeeze the fist too hard.

Raising my left hand slightly, I cringed at the sore in my muscles, and slowly moved to rest my hand on my stomach. 

Yeah, I assured myself, I'm in a hospital.

On a bed, asleep-- and safe.

Safe from-- 

...The Vindice? Recollecting memories was tough in this numb state. Yeah, the Vindice got to me. No-- they got to... Drew-- how did Drew come about again?

Did I call her? Why did she come--

ah, Daemon. This is the Shimon arc, the last we'd see of Daemon. Daemon--

I reached my hand up to my neck-- Bandages, I felt.

How did they realize I was--? 

The door of the hospital room opened with an abrupt shuffle, twist and shove. The door flew open and crashed into the wall, judging by just the sound.

Cracking open one blurry eye, I looked over. 

Whoever that was, they wore a white coat. The person stayed at the doorway-- looking in my direction. I squinted a bit-- and identified he had short hair-- black--

A doctor, I thought, Short, black hair-- don't most Japanese have that?

Who could it be-- oh,

"Ku-" my voice was hoarse. Lower now, crackly, and in pieces, I sounded on the verge of choking-- "Kuma-?"

I couldn't manage more syllables, but that seemed to be enough.

Rushing out, he announced to the universe that I was awake.

-

-

The third time, I could see a little better. The white fog was still there-- Kuma said it was an aftereffect of surviving strangulation, with luck and rest it'll heal very soon.

I also wasn't allowed to speak, so for the moment I wrote my conversations on a sketch pad.

Everyone was gathered now, all the Vongola, but not the Shimon. Pooling altogether in the private hospital room that probably didn't allow such a crowd. Amano allowed it, apparently, and thus they gladly complied.

Kunomasu, Reborn, Tsuna, Takeshi, Gokudera, Ryohei. Not Kyoko, not Haru, not Hibari, Ryohei or even Mukuro. Just these six were present.

"Rei," first to speak up was Takeshi, of course, "look, we all understand that you've got your reasons. We haven't been, and neither will we force you to tell us about them. You don't have to feel obligated to, but-"

Excuses, they all sounded like. Irritating excuses that make my head spin. The ringing in my ears-- something Kuma said was another aftereffect of asphyxia-- was making me even more irritated. Why am I hearing them?

"Get straight to the point," interrupting, I croaked out.

Kuma shot me a glare, I nodded in apology.

The time had come, it was easy to realize. They're not willing to deal with my ridiculous, mysterious farce any longer.

Gokudera cut in, "Why did you have night flames?"

His tone was sharp and rude. No mercy given and no loopholes pardoned. His scrutinizing glare cut off any chances of a bad lie.

"How much do you know, and how did you find the information?" Reborn added in sternly, "What--" he stopped, "no, who are you?"

That made me wince. 

Pulling my knees to my chest, I sighed.

Picking up a marker from the bedside, I scribbled words. Straining my arm muscles that were trying to recall how writing worked--

Is this an interrogation?

That line made Takeshi flinch, "No," he denied strongly, "we're not-"

"We are," Reborn cut in sharply. "It is. Depending on your answer, you will be declined from the Family. The Future we saw does not matter now."

Oh, it came as a realization. They're going to kick me out of the family.

Well yes, they obviously would. Why wouldn't they?

Putting the pen down, I looked away. 

Why did I join the family again, in the first place? I could have spent my life alone, simply watching the story go by. I could have been a bystander, peacefully living my short life with my siblings, happy and contented.

So why didn't I?

Why did I have to bring all this unnecessary conflict into my life? Am I an idiot? Why did I even try to interrupt the flow of the story?

Feeling a jerk, I was pulled forward by the collar.

"Look, I've had enough of all this, Green." Gokudera dragged me up by the collar. Roughly, with a strength I didn't think he had-- maybe I was just light-- "Look, it's been long enough! How long more are you going to keep this up? Being all questionable and mysterious and acting all cool, what are you trying to prove?"

A few jumped up in surprise at his violent behaviour, but none, not even Takeshi, did anything after what he said.

"What are you hiding, why do you have to hide it?" he continued, "Why aren't you making more effort in hiding it! Your face, your actions, your entire fucking being tells us you don't want to be hiding it! Is that how little you think of us? Is that how much you trust us?"

Trust.

Trust, huh. Do I trust them?

Do I, huh?

Something in my head was burning. Squirming, fighting back, boiling like lava failing to erupt. It was like my brain wanted to jump out and fight back by itself. 

Do I trust them? Who was he to say this? Doubting me? After all this time-- After all this time I've been with the Family? I was an antisocial prick that hid secrets-- but was everything else a lie? The laughs, the banters-- the assurance he gave me?

"Why, why why," I mumbled, "Is that this, is that what," I muttered, "fuck this, fuck that--"

Grabbing his fist and pushing it down in resistance, my eyes snapped open and rage filled my senses. 

"Don't talk," So many things I wanted to say burst out at once-- after a stutter it just blew. "Don't talk as if you have fucking control over me, Gokudera," I heard a gasp, "What the fuck do you even know about me? Who the fuck do you think you are? Why in the bloody hell are you making assumptions about me, you don't even know anything!"

My throat hurt. 

My head throbbed.

But I didn't care now.

"What do you know about everything, anything at all that I've had to go through?" I was screaming now, staring straight into his eyes with a glare and glower I didn't know had in me. "Don't act like you know everything!"

At that exact moment, Gokudera swung his head down and-- bashed me right in the forehead with his own, hard. A loud and very worrying sound abruptly shut the whole atmosphere up, and in the next moment Kuma let out a whimper of 'thanks but can you not do that to a patient with prior brain damage???'. 

"OW!!" I shouted, "What the hell was that for, Dera??"

Tears prickled in the corners of my eyes, I cringed at the intense pain in my brain. He's supposed to be smart, right?? You don't do that to someone that just suffered from asphyxiation--

"And why the fuck do you think we don't know?!?" Gokudera's yell shook me right back to reality. "If you want us to know something, why don't you just tell us? How the fuck are we supposed to know otherwise?"

Biting my lips, I resisted a cry.

"If you haven't told us anything," Gokudera growled, "Don't play the fucking victim and act like such a sad case! If you don't cry for help, who's gonna know you need saving? You're not a princess, quit being a fucking damsel in distress!"

Everything just hurt now. The crybaby side of me wailed, spilling tears as the other side of me scolded myself. Why are you chickening out here? Why are you cowering? Why are you crying?

Because he's speaking the truth.

"Why the fuck do you think I'm not saying anything?" I cried, "Because I can't. What can I even say? What do I even say? There's nothing you want to know, there's nothing you need to know!"

Seeing my tears, he wavered for a moment.

In that second I reached for his tie and, with what weight I had, tugged him down. Tripping, he slipped and we landed with a loud clunk onto the floor.

So now I'm on top of him.

The situation was so ridiculous, I had to laugh. I was crying, but I burst out chuckling. Leaning down to Gokudera's chest, I was just sobbing in a fit of giggles.

"Hey, Dera, I know everything about you guys," I spoke softly. "I know everything that happened and is going to happen. Down to detail, even. I know."

Gokudera was about to protest, but now everyone just shut up to listen.

"Hey, wanna know?" was this sarcasm? "I've died before."

This time, someone abruptly stood up, their chair thrown back and clattered to the ground. I didn't look up to see who it was.

"They broke my limbs and threw me into water. I drowned." Drenching his shirt, but Gokudera was less concerned about it at the moment. "I don't know, years ago and all the memories just came rushing back. What the hell was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do with those memories? I had a family, I had attachments and I had a dream! Was I supposed to just give them all up and pretend it never happened? Hey, Gokudera, what would you have done?"

No one ever had an answer to my question. 

"It was frustrating, it's unbearable," I sobbed, "I couldn't even avenge my own death. I had to just forget it and live my new life now, shoving all of my resentment down. Hey, how did Mukuro do this? How did he bear six deaths? Why can't I be as strong as he is?"

The next I knew, Tsuna had crouched down beside me.

Lifting myself in curiousity of his presence, I felt myself pushed back. Quickly wrapping his arms around my shoulders, Tsuna enveloped me in a very tight and desperate hug.

"That's enough," his voice told me he, too, was on the verge of tears. "That's enough, Rei." he choked out, "That's enough."

Gently returning the hug-- I leaned into him. 

"I'm sorry, Rei." was he crying? "We're sorry."

Clenching my grip on Tsuna-- I bit my bottom lip. Like a dam that burst-- I just cried. I wailed and sobbed, nearly ten years' worth of agony escaping my lips once more.

Once again, I mourned my own death.