[quick author's note: hey guys, how have you been? Stay safe and healthy okay? I am trying to write as much as chapters as possible in the hopes that my story is entertaining for you all and something you can read during self-quarantine 💕 How have you all been? I miss the outdoors so much...]

PINNACLE. THE definition of 'pinnacle' is 'most successful point'.

That's where I am right now in my life. I'm at my highest peak, and nothing can bring me down.

I have found my chosen family- Pat, Joaq, Libs and even Laetitia, who I now casually address as 'Lae'.

I have everything that I have even pined for, and more. I have everything that the 7.53 billion people on this planet lusts for: I have wealth, love and health. Not only do I have a stable, steady flow of income, I am also in the pink of health and are loved by many. I have even resumed my education thanks to Lae's constant encouragement for me to do so.

"There's no harm in pursuing your interests," she always says, and I agree with her. I have no idea why I quit college after barely finishing a semester there- well, actually, I do but that doesn't matter anymore- and thus Lae is now both my tutor and trusted friend.

She's teaching me the things I was left out on due to my dropping out, and those subjects include English Literature and History.

One of the reasons I decided to do this was because of Joaq. Ever since he has learnt of one of my regrets during the '20 Questions' game, he has been subtly urging me to continue it.

Thanks to their support, I am now re-learning topics like the extension of the Cold War, Vietnam War, Southeast Asian and American history. As for English Literature, I'm re-reading some works of the genius, 'Bard of Avon' Shakespeare like 'King Lear', 'Much Ado About Nothing' and reading the talented George Bernard Shaw's 'Pygmalion' and 'Heartbreak House'.  Sure, they are rather heavy topics, but they are my passions.

For me, George Bernard Shaw's- at least those that I've read so far- are often written in satires and most of the acts- especially early ones like Act I and II are rather light-hearted in the beginning. His tone is slightly less dark and written in a more comedic style compared to Shakespeare. Shakespeare has a tendency to go straight to the juicy bits like fighting even in the middle of Act I or sometimes even Act II, and doesn't mask the darkness of the main themes as much as George Bernard Shaw does.

At least, those are how I feel about the renowned playwrights' plays.  

Being with Lae makes me feel like my teenage self again- the teenage Irina Pan that met Patricia Sils. Admittedly, I used to be a sullen girl then but my sulky attitude vanished whenever I found myself analysing works of literature or learning new things about the past.

There was something about history that I found fascinating. Maybe it's the fact that it proves that humans never learn from their folly, or maybe it's because that man can come up with ingenious war tactics to defend their country and fellow countrymen. 

Or maybe it's because that through history, I can discover how far people are willing to go in their rash, barmy quest to quench their thirst for power; discover how much of a numbskull some people can be when it comes to making major decisions to conquer a newfound territory or expand it.

As for Literature... well, I suppose I love the subject as it allows me to analyse and dissect fictional character's lives and personalities apart as through this process, I learn more about myself too.

I learn things about myself that I would otherwise have not known when I find myself agreeing to what a certain character does or feels when something is done to them.

The beauty of literature is that it is the only subject that agrees that there is no black or white in life; nothing is ever clear-cut and the only way humans can get through something is via a common ground. If not, we'll all be at loggerheads with one another.

Another reason for my current blitheness is my Joaquim. 

Besides having a steady flow of money going into my bank account monthly; besides being able to be educated by the sophisticated Lae; besides spending time with my Pat and good old Libby, one of the most dazzling lights in my life is my boyfriend. 

Every date is like a dream, and more.

Though it is always unpredictable, it is always welcome. 

Dating sure is a surreal experience; you suddenly have someone who you can count on in every manner, yet you can also simultaneously harbour doubts about your partner. 

Sometimes, I wonder why he is with someone like me, and often think of how undeserving I am of him; but those thoughts evaporate into thin air whenever he flashes me a reassuring smile or has a heartfelt talk with me. 

Could it be because I think that I can never have good things in my life? Could it be due to my irrational fear that one day, all the people that I treasure and cherish deeply will be cruelly taken away from me?

Perhaps these are the reasons as to why I am having these thoughts. 

Yet when I have Joaq by my side, I always feel safe and loved. Unstoppable, even. He completes me- I've found my other half.

He is the calm to my madness; the warmth to my coldness. The light to my darkness, the joy in my sorrow. 

Gosh, thank god he can't read my mind or hear my thoughts. In all truthfulness, I would rather be swallowed up by the ground than have that happen. 

I can already picture his response to my thoughts. Joaq will likely chuckle and laugh, saying, "I mean that much to you, eh? You're so soft for me even though you try and act tough. I'm happy I broke down your walls."

As I smile to myself at my nonsensical thoughts, Lae brings me back to the realm of reality by tapping my back.

I turn around and glance at her, and as Lae leans lazily against a piano, she pulls a face and gazes dreamily at me, and something inexplicable to describe, let alone explain, swims in those gorgeous orbs of hers.

"Erm, are you okay?"

"That's how you looked when you were daydreaming about Joaq. I suppose it's a small mercy that you did not drool while you did so." 

A blush makes its way to my face when my brain registers the message of her comment and I fidget with the linked ring necklace that Joaq had given me as a gift for my 23rd birthday. To this date, it is still one of the gifts that I hold closely and dearly to my heart.

"What's fascinating, Lae?"

"How quickly one can change into a lovelorn fool in just a matter of a few months."

Lovelorn fool?

I must have repeated Lae's word thoughts aloud for Lae nods her head and sighs despondently.  "I liked you better when you were still single and unsure of Joaq's feelings towards you."

"What? I beg your pardon?" I am so flabbergasted at that unexpected statement that I let go of the necklace and give Lae my full attention. All that I have received from my fellow friends after they heard of my dating news was 'Congrats!' or 'Splendid! Dish about your lovelife to me!' and never a statement that implied I was a better version of myself when I was single.

Did me losing my single-ginity result in a loss of myself? Am I someone different now? Am I a downgraded version of myself now?

"What makes you say so?"

"Well," Lae gets up and pours herself a glass of Chardonnay, "You're different now. Your head is in the clouds and you're grinning to yourself everyday. Not that it's necessarily a terrible thing, of course. It's perfectly fine to be in love. But it's vital to remember who you are, what your interests are. You're becoming a version of Irina Pan that I do not recognise or know.

The nonchalant, unbothered Irina Pan and romantic Irina Pan are becoming one entity. There is no clear line between who's who and nothing to separate them."

"Is that so horrible?" I ask by way of reply. "You know, all my life, people have been encouraging me to open up and find love and joy. Now that I've accomplished that, you are telling me to stop it and return to my former self? What the heck, Lae?"

"You've misinterpreted my words of goodwill. I'm saying- or what I'm trying to convey- is to separate the various personalities and versions of yourself. Don't change for Joaq. Stay true to yourself, pursue your own interests and prioritise yourself first."

___

Lae's advice remains with me even when I have returned to my loft. Don't change for Joaq. Prioritise myself first.

I think about it and reflect on my actions. Yes, it's true that I've become reliant on Joaq, that sometimes I have been even waiting for him. I've become comfortable with our simple routine and content with staying in our little, homely bubble and just spending my time loving and being with him.

In a way, Lae is right. I was solely dependent on myself before and the only person I sort of relied on was Pat. But even then, it was mostly a 40% reliance on her, while Joaq is more of 80%.

I used to try and stop Joaq from spending so much money on me, but he always countered with "You have always had a difficult life. Good things come to those who wait, and here is your reward. Enjoy it, Iri, please. I just want to dote on my girlfriend. Who else am I going to spend money on?"

Even though I do understand his logic- okay, somewhat I understand- I wish he could see things from my perspective. I never wanted or needed to be always doted on- I just wanted some form of love. Joaq's love is something I will always accept, but him spoiling me? No. Just no. 

Which is why I plan on having a talk with him.

Later that night, as the two of us stare at the fire razing in the fireplace, I tell him, "Joaq. I love you, but I don't like it when you spend unnecessarily on me. Let me have more of my independence back, okay? It's fine if you want to spend money on me on special occasions like my birthday, or Valentine's Day. And I object to celebrating monthsaries- I find the mere idea of them to be a really insipid one."

"I'm fine with no monthsaries, but let's celebrate every five months of our relationship, okay? And I'll tone down on the gifts, I didn't know they bothered you that much."

"Thank you, Joaq, thank you for understanding me." I lay my head on his arm, and sigh contentedly.

It's a good life.

THIS CHAPTER WAS SO HARD TO WRITE. The writer's block is real with this one- that's why this is a shorter chapter.

It was tough to write as I have never been in that deep level of love before and never dated. So this is a short chapter and I hope you can understand. 😥😪

I hope you can understand why Iri doesn't want Joaq to spend money on hers. Both of them are rich enough, and it is understandable why they would want to splurge on each other. But you have to remember what Iri was like prior to dating him, and what traits of her's haven't been changed.

How do you feel about this chapter? Please let me know so that I know what to improve.