Let's Make It! #8

Screenwriting Contest

- feedback form –

Dear Jordan,

Your screenplay, ALEX, has been reviewed by Gabriel and was rated #76 on a 1-100 scale.

AWESOME

EXCELLENT

GOOD

FAIR

POOR

ORIGINALITY

X

PREMISE

X

PLOT

X

CHARACTERS

X

DIALOGUE

X

SETTING

X

STRUCTURE

X

PACING

X

THEME

X

STYLE

X

PROJECT POTENTIAL

X

What did you enjoy most?

The script presents the trials and tribulations of high school life with the supernatural, similar to "Smallville" and "Chronicle". The characters in this script are well-drawn and unique. The protagonist, Alex, is exceptionally well-crafted. His internal struggle with his newfound powers and the external pressures of high school life make him a compelling character. The dynamic between Alex and his friend Mateo is genuine. This honest portrayal of friendship adds to the narrative's authenticity. The dialogue is another strength of the script. It is natural, effectively capturing the language and attitudes of teenagers. The interactions between Alex and his siblings also feel authentic, adding depth and realism to the script.

What can be done better now to improve the screenplay?

The pacing of the script could be more effectively balanced. For instance, the transformation of Alex into a superhero, a pivotal moment in the story, feels somewhat rushed. The event might benefit from a slower, more suspenseful build-up. The script could drop subtle hints about Alex's developing powers, allowing the audience to anticipate and speculate before the full reveal. The hand could provide a clearer understanding of the character's motivations. A scene showing Alex wrestling with his newfound abilities and debating what he should do with them, or an interaction where he discusses his fears and aspirations with Mateo, could provide meaningful context to his motivations and deepen his character. While the primary narrative engages, the script could benefit from more developed subplots. For instance, a video of Alex using his powers could emerge online, and the government could get involved, wanting to kidnap Alex for study. This would raise the stakes significantly and introduce a new layer of tension and conflict to the narrative.

Additionally, the script requires a thorough proofreading and format check. For example, on page 12, "Gabriel sighs" is formatted as a line of dialogue rather than an action. On page 18, "Bullshit" is written with a capital letter in the middle of a sentence. The intercuts also need to be appropriately formatted. Finally, your writing style is visually descriptive but could benefit from a more direct approach.

For instance, in the opening scene, a revised version could read: "Rain lashes down, transforming the tranquil neighborhood into a murky, tempestuous battleground. Thunder booms, shaking the very foundations of the houses. ALEXANDER LOPEZ, a fierce sixteen-year-old with dark hair and piercing brown eyes, charges through the storm on his bike. He pedals desperately. Muscles strained as he navigated the slippery streets. With agility and precision, he dodges obstacles, narrowly avoiding disaster at each twist and turn. A glance over his shoulder reveals a GROUP OF HIGH SCHOOL THUGS hot on his trail. The threat intensifies, urging him to pedal even harder. A bright lightning bolt splits the sky, briefly illuminating the street with blinding light".

What should be taken into account for a future project?

You've got a great start here, and I've got a few suggestions that might help you make it even better. First, check out "Creating Character Arcs" by K.M. Weiland. It's a handy book for learning how to make characters like Alex change and grow believably. Also, look at the scripts from shows like "Arrow" or "The Flash." They're in the same superhero ballpark as your script, and you could pick up some cool ideas about pacing, character development, and plot progression. "Save the Cat!" by Blake Snyder is another good read. It could help you fine-tune plot points, beats, and character arcs. And speaking of structure, "The Foundations of Screenwriting" by Syd Field is a classic. Good luck.

Thank you!