Dedicated to Animallover662 for being a kind friend that makes me laugh and takes away my problems. 💕😊

Warning

Depressing, self-harm, sadness and of course cursing.

Words; 2613

My world fell apart, my wonderland destroyed.

My heart cracked into million small pieces.

My thoughts weren't just complicated, they were a total mess, a war inside my head.

Was this true, was my mom.. dead?

Was she killed by my abusive father?

Was she in heaven because of an asshole?

Was she an angel because.. Because HE NEVER WAS A REAL MAN!?

My hands hugged softly my head. Everything felt so silent but loud at the same time. My eyes puffy, red, tears streaming down my pale skin. I wish this was just a bad dream, that would make me wake up and face the real world. But this was the real world, the harsh reality. I fell on my knees, it's not that they could stand my body anyways. Then small bruises started decorating them, reminding me the days our father was beating both my brother and me.

Where are you my brother now?

With a final slap from our dear father you became an angel.

Your poor body hit the floor, your small head started bleeding.

You were twelve, i was nine.

I hid my little vulnerable self in my house. I made a shell around me, no one was gonna to waste my time. My friends tried communicating with me but i just shrugged them off. I couldn't get away from my mother's murder. She was such a sweet person with everyone, even our father.

The pills did nothing, made me only vommit.

The knives just filled my arms with marks of "greatness".

The guns had lost somewhere in my house their own silver bullets.

The bell rang, who was in need so much of my so precious attention? I opened the door slightly facing one of my buddies, Jason. His baby blue eyes starring at my soul. He could feel my little depressed self.

"Can i come in, please?"

His voice was cold, it would have the colour blue. It was so fragile and pale, filling the atmosphere with unimportant words.

I knew him, he wasn't gonna leave me alone so i opened fully the door letting him in, the sunlight making me blink multiple times. The house had sank into darkness from the day i learned the news from the cold lips of a policeman. He sat down on the leather sofa, his fingers interlocked together as i sat besides him. At least the sleeves were too long, good for both of us.

"I know what has happened, i learned about the murder.. Y/n.. You need help, you are going away from your friends and the world!"

"Maybe it's better like that."

"Y/n!"

His voice was both gentle and soft but was hiding its angry self. It rised up for just a second before becoming calm again. He sighed, tried hard to hug hin but i backed away. I was terrified, no touch.

"I have a very good friend.."

He glared at the coffee table finding a half-finished drawing of a landscape and a sharp pencil.

He grabbed the pencil turning around the paper writing a number down. Under the name with calligraphy letters a name.

Dr. Hirsch

I looked at him in pale shock, my eyes half-opened. Was he about to offer me to go to a psychiatrist? There's no way i would ever go to one.

"I will give him a call to see you on Friday if it's possible. I hope at least it would be."

"I am fine, i don't need a psychiatrist."

"That's what a person who needs DESPERATELY a psychiatrist would tell."

I turned my head away, couldn't looj at him straight at the eyes. Why he cared so much for me? No one climbed the wall that i built but him.. Why he did it?

"Y/n don't get me wrong. I don't want to lose you."

His warm palms hugged my cold ones.

"Please do it. Just for me. I have never asked something from you before. Just this, it's the first and last time."

I closed my eyes, i felt exhausted. I just laid on his chest, my fingers clutching on his black shirt. I felt tears on my eyes, no reason at all. He wanted so badly to wrap his arms around me but he wouldn't dare not wanting to destroy this moment. I sighed deeply, no choices were available except one.

"I will do it."

*******************

I stared at the huge building in front of me, my dark skirt felt too tight around my waist. I walked in, taking the elevator going to the seventh floor. I gulped, feeling uneasy already. I walked towards a young woman that was sitting behind an office, her eyes focused on a laptop's screen before turning them to mine.

"Hello, how could i help you?"

She smiled politely as i bit my bottom lip feeling nervous.

"I think i have an appointment, actually one of my friends made the appointment for me."

"Wait a minute please."

I wish i could describe how intense i was feeling. I mean i was visiting a psychiatrist, only people with serious problems visit them.

"Oh, Mister Ritter! You must be Miss l/n, right?"

Her voice interupted my thoughts as i blinked. She smiled, well she smiles a lot.

"Yes, that's me."

"Please have a seat at the waiting room, Mister Hirsch would see you in ten minutes."

I nodded thanking her quietly before having a seat. Everything seemed calm, the walls had a soft red colour, the armchairs black covered with a comfortable leather. I looked around the room, my eyes ending up from what i think Mr. Hirsch's secretary.

"You seem really nervous, Miss l/n."

I nearly jumped off my seat hearing her voice before realizing her hazel eyes on me.

"Well i-it's my first time so.. y-yeah..."

"Don't be afraid, Mr. Hirsch is a kind person and i am sure he doesn't bite!"

She let a small laugh insuring me before typing on her keyboard.

"So eh.."

"My name is Zoe."

"Zoe.. How long you work for Mr. Hirsch if it's permitted to ask.."

She stopped typing bringing her fingers to her chin thinking.

"Almost three years. He is a good person, i don't have any complains."

"And did anything between you two happened?"

My god, my eyes widened, what the hell did i just ask the poor girl!?

"What do you mean exactly, Miss l/n? My relationship with Mr. Hirsch is clearly professional. He is my boss and i work for him. Moreover, i have a boyfriend."

She chuckled softly making me exhale. You messed up y/n, great job. Those ten minutes were like hell to me.

Suddenly the door opened, two men stepped outside the office.

"And as we said, all those hallucinations are happening because you have lack of sleep. Try sleeping more hours and having a balanced died for your own good."

"Of course, thank you Mister Hirsch!"

The man thanked the other, that i guess was Dr. Hirsch before giving me a quick glare and leaving. Hirsch's amber eyes fell on me, making my heart skip a heartbeat. So god damn nervous.

"You must be Miss l/n, the one Jason made an appointment about."

What a nice american accent he had, i liked it. I stood up, making my skirt before smiling. My knees felt weak as he smiled back before opening the door of his office for me.

"Please, come in."

I walked in seeing around his office. A big libraby on the one side filled with books and a wooden desk on the other covered in some paper work. He was for sure a busy man. Two black armchairs in the middle as i sat on one of them, letting my back touch the comfortable material. I crossed my legs as he closed the door silently.

Dr. Hirsch was a young tall man, probably in his thirties. He had milky white skin and was wearing a black suit, all sharp. His hair were reddish brown and a bit curly. He had fib and nice calm amber eyed that were shining under the light. He wasn't wearing a ring, not married i guess. Maybe he was in a relationship or something like that. He was handsome, i could tell he had burned many girls' hearts.

"So Miss l/n.. Jason forgot to mention to me about you being such a bright and beautiful young lady.."

He sat opposite me grinning, my cheeks getting red. Oh he had for sure broken three or four lonely hearts.

"So Miss l/n.. As you know, Jason can't keep his mouth shut.. Talk me about your mother, miss l/n.."

I froze, what could i tell to a stranger about my mom? Of course, he won't judge but i can't just tell all my memories that includes her.

"Miss l/n?"

I snapped out of my thoughts.

"You are here because you have a couple of problems that you need help with."

"But i d-"

"I know, you think you are fine and you came here only because it was Jason's wish. But please, say something."

His amber eyes begging me to talk, he was serious with me. I wanted to burst into tears as i turned my head awag from his glare.

"She smelled like cinammon and fresh flowers.."

I cracked a smile looking down.

"Every Sunday she was making apple pie and the smell of apples was taking over the house. The living room always was filled with cigarette smoke from my father. He was a good person, bringing every day to mom flowers.. We were a happy family, my parents, my brother and me being the littlest.."

I stopped, he glared at me letting a small cough. This was getting uneasy.

"And then?"

"A woman moved to the house opposite us. Young, blonde with blue eyes, nice body, twenty years younger than my dad. He started having affairs with her.. Being romantically invovled. He started drinking, maybe doing drugs, too."

Why i was tearing myself apart for a stranger?

"He was abusive towards my brother and me. Our mother trying desperately to protect us."

"Your brother?"

"I had an older brother.. My dad slapped him too hard making him hit with force the floor.. He died bleeding.."

I closed my eyes sighing, this was making me way worse. Hirsch seemed too focused on my situation, his fingers on his chin looking deep into my eyes. I felt so vulnerable, like i was a little unprotected kid in front of him.

I started unbuttoning my shirt, his eyes widened mumbling a "what are you doing" before letting it slid off my shoulders. Scars decorating my belly, being handily stitched. His eyes widened even more if it was possible.

"My father made those when i was.. A "naughty" girl as he liked to say. One time he was so drunk that when he returned home and saw me.."

I looked away, everything but not this memory.

"He pushed me to my bed.. My skin burning under his touch. His breath smelling clearly alcohol, beer and vodka i think. And before i knew, he had ripped my shorts and was pounding in me letting his groans and my cries echo in the room... It was a miracle i wasn't left pregnant.."

That's it, i worn my shirt buttoning it quickly curling into a ball. No, i don't need to remember more things, no not anymore! Hirsch was barely breathing, amused with my words and experiences. He stood up before returning in seconds handing me a glass with whiskey. I drank it immediately as he gasped lightly.

"Never ever have seen a woman drink like that."

He commented as a knock interrupted us. "Come in" he turned his head to the door facing that girl from before that i totally made a fool out of me in front of her. I could barely see her head, her whole body was on the other side of the door.

"Mr. Hirsch i am leav- is everything alright?"

"Hm, oh yes.. Everything's fine."

"Eh... Okay then.. There's a list with the tomorrow's appointments on my office. Just you know, Mr. Graham had to cancel the appointment for tomorrow, health problems."

"Poor Will.. Hope he will be better soon.. Nothing else?"

"Oh just this. Have a nice evening Mister Hirsch. You too, Miss l/n. Goodbye."

"You too, Miss Afterlife."

I mumbled a "good night" before glaring at her leaving. Hirsch's glare was back to me.

"It's okay to have scars y/n. Everyone's have their own battle scars."

"But Dr. Hi-"

"Call me simply Alex.. Look.."

It was his turn to unbutton his shirt leaving me confused. My eyes widened, his stomach filled with various cuts and burns that happened years ago. They were way worse than mine. I hesitately raised my hand, running my fingers over them as he shivered backing awag a bit.

"What caused this?"

"We are here f-"

"Please tell me Alex. As a friend towards a friend."

"I am afraid i am your psychiatrist and you are my patient, y/n."

"Then i want to be your friend."

He sighed looking down, he clearly wasn't ready to talk as i unbuttoned again my shirt showing my scars trying to show him that he isn't alone and a bit of courage.

"When i was sixteen.. There was a beautiful teacher in our school, a maths teacher. You know, one with brownish straight long hair and brown eyes. Big tits and buttcheeks, with short skirts and those "open" shirts. Nice make up, red peper chilly lipstick. All the boys had fallen in love with her, talking about her behind her back about wanting her to fuck her hard against a wall, one night stand things but for me she was a common slut.."

He was about to tear himself apart like i was but he wanted it.

"For some reason, from all the boys he tried seducing me. When i told her that i wasn't gonna date her, or worse put my dick inside her she got angry."

Alex's vocabulary and manners were going downhills but he was enjoying it.

"She stripped me down on a bed and marked my stomach with cuts or with snuffing cigarettes on it laughing like a lunatic."

This was seriously fucked up.

"I was away from my family and friends for five days until police found me. I was missing and some guy at school had said that the teacher was behaving strangely around me. My revenge? She got in jail for fifteen years.. She is out now, probably luring her next victims with her "candies and chocolates"...The doctor had said that it was a miracle how the fuck i had survived.."

I was left with my mouth hang open. I stood up filling my empty glass with whiskey before giving it to him.

"You need it more than me, man." 

He sighed drinking it with one sip before letting it on the small glass coffeetable besides him.

And then silence, it had covered the whole room like thick fog.

"I never thought i could find a person that could understand me, so well Alexander."

"Neither did it."

We smiled to each other not even imagining that this was the start of a great relationship.

A/n; so i need an opinion, did you like it, how did you find it? Please tell me i need to know!!! ಥ_ಥ