After a long day of trying not to think about Xander and drool, I finally end up finishing my leftover college work and happily I lie on the bed for a much-needed sleep but just as I close my eyes, my phone rings.

It's Xander.

"Hi" I reply trying to sound not so excited.

"Hey beautiful, had your dinner?"

"Yes, did you?" I ask him back.

It has been a daily routine for him to call me every night for the past few weeks before I go to bed. And every night it's the same thing but still I can't help but feel happy that he calls and asks me even if the answers are always the same dull and boring one.

"Hmm how was your day? I hope my crazy sister didn't make you mad?" he chuckles and bet he is shaking his head a bit too.

"No, she is great, I like her" I reply smiling.

Amy may seem over excited and talk way too much still you can't help but love her. I wish I could be free like she is.

"So you free this weekend? Mind going out with me, just the two of us?" he asks me clearing his throat a bit in the process.

"Um I... I uh" I stammer.

I didn't expect the turn of events like this tonight even though I knew he would ask me out sometime. It is not as I did not see the hints he was giving out to every time we met he would make sure I know that he is interested in me.

Still the idea of dating someone has long been gone and still here I am letting the person feel like he has a chance with me. Am I doing the right thing by making him feel I have interest by not pushing him away?

I have not gone on any dates after David. Not like, I did not try but I was always scared that he would do something if I went. He can be quiet scary at times and I would like to stay as far away from him as possible as the terror he left is still there and I still have nightmares about him.

"Hey relax no pressure there, I won't mind if you don't want to" he says reassuring me but the sadness in his voice gives him away.

I know I should have said something before to let him know I do not want him to show any kind of affection to me, may be it would have been better but I led him on for so long.

Does that make me selfish and bad? Have I become so desperate for some male attention that I led him on but still hold back to go out and give him a chance? What have I become?

"Please say that I haven't ruined my chance by asking you out so soon? Anything Alex to know that you aren't mad at me" his voices breaks my train of thoughts.

Not knowing what to say to him I sit silently. Shall I say no and save him from the destruction I know I'll bring into his life or for once I could give in and not let him ruin a chance to do what I want and be happy?

He really is a sweet person always looking after me. May be it will not be that bad going out with him and I cannot always let my fear from David rule me. I need to let go of my fears sooner or later, it is only playing games with me.

"Okay, where do you want to meet?" I ask him slowly not knowing what else to say.

The silence is what I get and I look at my phone to see if he had hung up, but nope.

"Great, I will pick you up at nine?" his voice comes out suddenly excited.

I pull the phone away a bit as he shouts. Okay that's really not how I thought he would react. My But none the less hearing him so happy makes me feel happy as well may be this is what I needed.

May be Xander is the one who will make me want to fight the demons and make me happy. May be just may be this is what I have been missing out on all this time.

"Okay, then goodnight" I wish him before I become a coward and change my mind.

We hang up after wishing each other a goodnight. I can't believe I said yes to him.

I think about how Xander is so careful with me. I smile as he was so helpful at the party as well as whenever we meet at the campus and the ice cream treats, which I get everyday, is simply wonderful. I really like him already.

May be he isn't so bad and he cares about me too I can say that much from all the encounters I have with him.

Then again was not David careful at first when you met him. A voice in my head says making me stiffen.

No, Xander is nothing like him. He can't be, I argue and try to toss the voice out. No, he can never be like David.

I toss and turn once again as I try to fall asleep but the thought Xander is like David sets fear in my heart and I can't help the tears that fall down from my eyes as I pray that he is nothing like David.

Next morning, I wake and get ready to meet Xander being careful of what I wear. I really want to get a chance with him.

Lat night eventually I fell asleep exhausting myself with the tears I shed for the mistakes I made.

I cheerfully greet everyone at breakfast while I wait for Xander to come pick me up. I really don't know how I will explain to my parents that I'm going out with Xander. Hope they won't over react.

"Wow someone is looking pretty giddy and dressed up really nice. What's the occasion?" Casey teases me.

She always has to open her mouth now all the eyes are on me.

"Um nothing I was just going to be out today" I say and everyone looks at me suspiciously.

"With?" dad raises an eyebrow as I gulp my juice and start eating to avoid answering them but it does not work as all of them stop eating and keep looking at me.

"Xander" I whisper softly. This is not the way I want to ask their permission, oh god.

"Who?" William asks in confusion straining to hear what I just said.

"Um you know Benjamin Carmen" I say softly and everyone in the room stays still looking at me stunned.

Just when dad starts to say something Harriet announces that Xander has arrived and I say my goodbye, dashing out of the house before they all start asking me questions.

I catch Xander hands and pull him to the car as he tries to walk in definitely to greet my parents.

"Let's go" I squeak pulling his hand to his car and he can't help but be dragged by me.

I get in the car seat and look at him as he enters. He looks at me surprised and shakes his head before starting the car. Finally, I take a deep breathe as we move.

"I didn't know you were so eager to go out if I had known then" I interrupt

"Hi"

His laugh fills the car and I can't help but smile. I like his laugh. Stopping the car, he takes out the flower from back seat and gives it to me.

"Hi" he smiles as I take the flower and smell it.

"Thank you it's lovely. So where are we going?" I ask him curiously.

"Hmm, I was thinking a nice breakfast first" he says, I was about to say I already had eaten but stop and nod.

We go to a nice cafe and order some pancakes, bacon, eggs and coffee. As we wait for our food Xander starts to speak. He doesn't play around as he gets direct to the point.

"I don't like withholding anything so let me make this clear. I like you, when I first saw you and I had get to know about you and if you don't want to start something between us then speak up. I don't mind and we can still be friends" he starts looking directly into my eyes.

I blink my eyes at him. Okay that was unexpected.

"How about we start with being friends and see where it goes? I haven't been in many relations so um" I suggest to him.

Okay it's good to have everything clear up from the start but this isn't how I thought it would go when he asked me out. It's like he has been thinking about all of this for quiet some time.

"Okay, that's a start but do know that I want much for us and if you don't want to get involved with a black guy, I can understand"

I look at him with wide eyes horrified. I never meant to hurt him making him think like that.

"I never thought like that, I don't care if you are black or white and I thought you are half Italian" I say quickly trying to assure him that it has nothing to do with his race or color.

I stop my ramblings as he starts laughing, loud. I watch him still a bit unsure. How do people react to these situations?

"I'm just teasing you. So, relax" he states between his laughs.

"That was very bad of you Mr. Carmen. You nearly gave me an attack" I scold him playfully.

"Sorry. So, tell me everything about you" he asks changing the topic and just like that we talk about anything and everything about each other until we finish all our food.

He likes to play basketball, chess with his dad, can cook as well, if he gets angry he is very dangerous and I sure don't want to be on the receiving end, he has four siblings other than him and Amy.

The twins Caleb and Garret they are still in college, while his big brother Adam is a detective, and his sister Janet is in Italy with his grandparents. He sure has a big family.

He also shared about his relationship before; the experience was both good and bad. We keep talking until we finish our food I am stuffed.

He pays the bill and takes my hand in his as we walk to the sidewalk outside the restaurant. We do some window shopping till he decides to buy something for his family.

"Help me pick a gift for my sister Janet. She's going to be twenty- next week"

I nod as we enter an antique shop where I choose a bracelet for her then we move to a clothing store.

There are beautiful dresses, I like a skirt it's really pretty. But don't buy it.

After an incident with David I have stopped wearing skirts when he tried to put his hands...

"You like it?" Xander asks bringing me back to present.

"No, I don't wear skirts anymore" I reply and look at other cloths.

After buying some clothes, we drive to a movie theater where he lets me choose which one I would like to watch.

"So what do you want to watch comedy, horror or romance?" he asks.

"Iron man" I pick up and he gets the ticket while I get popcorn for us.

After the movie we go for lunch and order some Italian pasta, we eat in silence not knowing what else to talk about but this silence is good.

Xander pays once again before we drive off in his car. I do not know where we drive off to and till I know, I'm scared to my bits.

"Um why are we here? Did you forget something?" I ask as Xander leads me inside his house.

"No I just thought I would make us dinner, that's it" he smiles leading to near a sofa.

"Um I'm full so uh can we go and I should probably get going before it's too late" I try to make some excuses.

I'm really nervous being alone with him right now. It's happening too soon. Not knowing what to do, I look down at my feet.

When he takes my chin and holds my gaze I cannot look away it's like I'm trapped in his eyes.

"I will never pressure you for anything you are not ready to do, not tonight, not ever. So, just relax. All my intention is to make dinner for you that are it. Okay?  I'll do as you wish and take you home. But don't be uncomfortable with my forwardness is all I ask of you. Just wait a second, I got something for you and then we can leave"

I watch him rush inside a room and before I blink he is back with a big teddy, it's so cute. "Thank you" I reply shyly as he hands it over to me.

"Just so you can cuddle him at night and think about me" he winks at me.

The drive back to my home is once again filled with silence. Not knowing what to tell him, I shut my mouth and I can feel he too is thinking the same thing.

He holds the door as he stops the car and opens mine. When I get out he opens the back door of his car and takes out the teddy and flowers he gave me.

"So that's it. I hope I didn't ruin my chance" he smiles looking at me.

I kiss his cheeks as my answer before saying my goodbye but he holds me back.

"So when can I get to see you again?" he asks me.

"In your dreams" I tease back as I enter my home.

I blush hotly I can't believe I just did that, was I insane? I enter my room and lock the door all the while grinning like a fool. I drop on my bed and take a sigh of relief.

"Thank god no one was at home to see me come in; else it would have been really embarrassing"

I look at the teddy, it's a big teddy comes up to my shoulder, a big teddy from a big guy I giggle.

"Let's name you first; well Xander gave you to me so how about I call you Ben hmm? So Ben, tell me is he as soft as you?" I talk with Ben.

"Yes he is how do you think he got me for you if he wasn't" I fake a voice and giggle again I am going crazy.

I get up and put the flowers in the water pot in my room and smile it's my first ever flower. My dreaming stops as someone knocks on my door.

I open it to see who it is and it is Casey. And by the looks in her face I can bet she is here to ask me about my outing today.

"You are early" she comments and enters in my room but stops.

"Whoa that's a giant teddy" she points out

"Um ya, you got something to say?" I ask her trying to change the topic.

"Yap, tell me how was your date with Xander?" she grins.

"It was good" I smile shyly thinking about my goodbye kiss.

"And?" she asks looking at me while she wraps herself with Ben and sits on my bed.

"I think mom's waiting for us, let's go"

I rush out of the room trying to avoid her question which I know won't stop till I turn into a tomato. I join mom and dad in the living room as they are watching the T.V.

We all sit in silence but Casey interrupts as she holds Ben in her arms and sits on the sofa. And dread feels me in.

"Did David get you that? It's so fucking huge" Will exclaim as he points at Ben.

"William language" dad warns him while he smiles and apologizes.

"Well but that sure is huge. I didn't see him coming in, you haven't left home and I surely don't think I saw that in your room today" mom asks as I get flushed.

"Ya so how did it get in, sweetie?" dad asks then I start sweating.

"Did you see that teddy Alexa it's big, isn't it? It reminds me of someone I just can't put a finger on it"

Will whispers to me like he is planning a conspiracy with me so I jerk away and pull Ben from Casey arms.

"That's mine okay, so stop teasing me all of you" I say softly and they all start laughing.

I feel tears prickling to my eyes so I turn around and run to my room. I lock the door and start crying covering my face in Ben's chest.

I just hate my family sometimes they always do that. They knew it was mine but still keep pushing and making fun of me.

Just then my phone starts ringing and it's Xander, but I ignore it. It keeps ringing so finally, I pick it up

"Hey" I croak and try to make my sound a bit normal.

"Hey beautiful are you okay? You seem upset" he worries as he hears me out.

"Uh mm" I reply trying to avoid the confession.

"Alex what's wrong? Where are you?" he asks with worry laced in his voice.

"I'm good" I clear my throat and try to calm him.

"No you are not, tell me where you are right now? I'm coming" he orders.

"No, don't, I'm good in my room so don't worry" I plead to him, not wanting for him to worry about me in vain.

"Of course I will worry. What happened you were fine till I dropped you? Are you upset because of me, if so then...?" I interrupt him as he keeps assuming it's his fault.

"No it's not you, it's my family" I say in a whisper.

"What is it? Is everything good?"

"Ya they just saw Ben and started teasing me so I got upset...." this time he interrupts me

"Who is Ben?" the anger in his voice is so clear that I shiver.

So, trying to clear the misunderstanding and not wanting him angry at all I confess shyly.

"Oh, it's the teddy you gave me"

"Sunshine, tell me you just didn't name the teddy after me?" he chuckles and I don't answer.

He laughs full on this time. He is even worst than my family.

"Seriously you did? Oh Sunshine, so are you going to sleep with Ben as in me in that bed of yours and he can touch you and be in your room, watching your moves? Hell that lucky bastard" he groans and I giggle at his playfulness feeling better already.

"I like it when you giggle or laugh" he whispers to me.

And just like that the little bubble of happiness breaks.

"Sunshine?" he calls when I don't reply for a while.

"It's too late goodnight" I say hurriedly and with that I cut the line.

My heart starts to pound faster. No, he isn't David, he isn't. I keep chanting in my head.

But David did behave like that when he met you first, the voice speaks again.

"Shut up, please go away!" I whisper covering my ears and closing my eyes tightly.

After a few moments it stops and I sigh. No matter how much I try I know my past will always come in the path of my happiness.

No matter how much I try, I will always end up comparing Xander with David and somehow their behavior matches in lots of ways more than I care to think.  

Without dwelling on my feelings of getting hurt once again in hands of Xander, I get dressed for the night and hold Ben to me as I try to fall asleep.

"Please don't be like him, please" I whisper before I give in to the sleep full of nightmares.