CW: Mentions of SH and blood

"You doing anything tonight?"

"Hm?"

Alexander cuts in hotly. "We as a group are going out to eat tonight. And you are not invited."

"About that..." James joined your conversation.

"Jemmy! Why did you tell him where we were going?" Alexander practically shrieked.

"It's just dinner?" You offer. "And there's a lot of us. I doubt anything would happen."

"It's not that, Y/N. Although I wouldn't be surprised if he did do some creep shit... it's that spending time with Jefferson is basically a medieval form of torture."

"It doesn't have to be just dinner with us, doll."

"Okay Hamilton, maybe you're right."

Thomas feigned hurt, clutching his chest dramatically.

-

The curly-haired man watched as you got your things together to leave. When you noticed his warm, coffee brown eyes observing you with interest, he simply flashed winked and you a smile. You furrowed your eyebrows in an exasperated grin and looked away.

The way your hair fell around your face, the way your eyes shone with mirth and your soft lips turned up at the corners in a little smirk almost taunted him, as you responded his advances and flirty remarks with never more than an unamused stare and a small, polite, wry smile. He grinned to himself. Oh yes, you were just his type.

You were just his type, so when you inhaled sharply and doubled over in pain after he automatically grabbed onto your forearm after stumbling on the stairs, it concerned him a little, to say the least.

"Oh shit! Fuck, Y/N, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

"Yeah," you choked out, "it's fine, let me just-"

"What the fuck did you do to her, Jefferson?"

"Yeah what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, man!"

You felt Angelica's firm, reassuring hand on your shoulder
"As if anyone would believe that! I swear, if you lay a single fucking finger on her, my lawyers will-"

"What's going on here?"

Your first thought was , who called the police?

A bald man with an air of authority entered the stairwell, and seemed to genuinely deflate when he recognized your friends' faces. You vaguely recognized him as the man who taught the class you'd just taken.

"Alexander."

"I didn't do anything, sir! It was Jefferson!"

Thomas glared at him, and carefully placed his hand on the small of your back, ignoring the deathly glance the eldest Schuyler sister shot him over your hunched form.

"Yeah man... yeah, I'm fine."

You clutched one hand in the other, praying it concealed your shakiness. Hearing the older man's next words, your prayers were apparently in vain.

"Do we need to take you to the ER? If it hurts that much, you should probably get that looked at."

You forced a smile, gritting your teeth as you straightened up, spots dancing in your eyes. You tried to force a casual tone, like you couldn't feel blood seeping into the material of your sweater.

"Nah, its fine. I took a pretty bad fall a few days ago, Thomas just accidentally touched the..." You gestured awkwardly, feigning embarrassment. "...bruise."

Thomas.
Thomas.
Thomas, wished he could've heard you say his name for the first time under better circumstances.

"Thanks anyways for the concern , Professor...?"

"Washington. George Washington. I don't think I've seen you before."

"Yeah, first year here. Y/N L/N. I'm gonna go head home first, okay?"

"We can walk you!"
"I can walk you!"

John and Thomas both shot each other a strange look, and then looked back to you.

"No, I just need... a break, I'll see you guys later if that's alright. Nice meeting you, Professor."

Before they could say anything else, you gently brushed off Angelica's hand, and hurried down the stairs. As much as you wanted to bolt straight to your dorm room and sink into the carpet, you forced yourself to take a quick, casual gait. You could nearly feel their concerned gazes burn into your back.

What a good first impression that was.

You'd like to think that you've gotten better throughout the last year. A better living situation in general is bound to create a better state of mind, right? Believe it or not, not being homeless DOES instill positive change in you.

But when Thomas had accidentally sunk his fingers into your more recently self-inflicted cuts, you felt as though you were right back where you started. It burned you inside and out.

It seemed like every time, everywhere, there would always be a reminder.

A sprout of a feeling that reminded you that you'd never be able to have a normal life and genuine connection with others.

There is always something that sets you apart, and it shows.

Today you had thought that you could make yourself comfortable with the group of people you'd met today. They were kind, caring, and entertaining. You'd never felt such a warm sense of welcoming in your entire life.

They were amazing, so what broke your heart, was that it was you.

The little sprout of uneasiness would grow, and it would wrap itself around you in a steely grip of thorns and callouses, that made you feel painfully alienated and hang your head no matter what you did around others.

And the one who sowed, watered, and nurtured the seeds was none other than yourself. How could you ever hope to find something better for you when it was you who had to be better?

Of course you needed to work on yourself. You'd known that from the very start. You come off as cold, plain, and closed off. You spend too much time trying to seem cool and collected, and don't have any regard to any other aspects of a relationship. You were standoffish and awkward. You've practically been completely alone since the very beginning, so it wouldn't be a novel experience.

So why did your chest seem to collapse in on itself at the thought of making another stretch of your journey alone?

"Damn. You ruined it." You sniffled in a cringing sob, and stared blankly in the bathroom mirror at your injured arm, and then your other, which was white knuckling a pack of sterile medical dressings.

You knew you were being dramatic. You knew you were overreacting.

But it's never that simple, is it?

It's not fair,

You thought bitterly.

It's not fair.

No amount of reassurance could have stopped you from wanting to throw a tantrum like a toddler who wasn't able to get their favorite stuffed animal at the toy shop.

It's not fair.

Everything was so stressful. You didn't know how to operate smoothly around others in a way that came natural to you. You didn't know how to handle the future that was suddenly paved in front of you. You didn't know how to feel like you had a purpose in your own life, much less in others.

It's not fair.

You almost wished you were still sleeping on that stupid bench.

At least then, you could be alone in peace, living in denial in a callousness that you were so familiar with.

They were so kind. Oh, their easygoing smiles, that you desperately tried to replicate with every twinkle in your eye and curve of your mouth but could never get quite right.

It's not fair.

So what were you thinking? They probably wouldn't think badly of you.

But they probably couldn't prevent you from bursting into desperate tears at the sink.

And probably didn't make you want to tear off the flesh of your arms in a fit of self loathing any less.

You laid your head down and cried.

-

"Y/N? You in there?"

Oh, shit.

"Y/N?"

"H-hey, Liza!"

"Are you alright? You weren't responding to our messages, so I thought I should check in on you."

"Yeah, I'm okay, sorry about that! I'm just not feeling super well, it's no big deal."

"I'm sorry about that, do you need anything? I can get you anything you want!"
She offered, and you grinned weakly, on the other side of the bathroom door.

"I'm okay, thanks. Ah.. are you guys still going out tonight?"

"Yep! Don't feel like you have to come if you're not feeling up to it.. though I think Angelica wants you too."

You laughed. "I'll probably be there. Just text me the time and place later, okay?"

"Will do. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah! Yeah, its all good. I just need to take some time. I'll join you guys later."

"Alright," she responded hesitantly, and you heard her fidgeting outside.

Eliza had a class to attend, so she left you to get the rest you needed. Which, technically, wasn't a lie. You DID need rest. But as it turns out, you'd already gotten it, because you had apparently passed out sitting on the closed toilet with your head down in your snot and tears.

You pressed your cheek against the cold , smooth marble of the counter, trying to pull yourself together.

Okay. You still have...

You glanced at your phone.

41 new messages

...huh?

Missed call- Angie (3)

ELizard: here's the address

ELizard: we're meeting at like 5:30 btw :D hope you can make it!

You: Thx, I'll try :))

You had around 2 hours to get yourself to make yourself feel alive enough to venture out and carry out... social interactions. And in the meantime, maybe you could check out where all of those God damned messages came from.