I thought everything was going fine between us. We talked it out and we both understood. Everything was well when I left. We exchanged I-love-yous. We hugged. We kissed. We promised to be strong. Now, I don't know what went wrong.

He didn't send me messages like what he promised. I heard nothing from him for months. I didn't know what happened. I didn't know where it all started to fall apart.

When I told him that I had to go for my dream, he was devastated. He wanted to be with me, to come with me, but their then almost failing business was entrusted to him. He couldn't just leave it to bankrupt.

I told him we wouldn't end anything. I told him we'd stay together even if I was away. It was a long talk before he got convinced. We were both okay with it. Or at least we agreed. He accompanied me to the airport. He kissed me goodbye and reminded me to take care of myself. He said he'd be waiting for my calls. And I did. But his number couldn't be reached.

I was confused. I was hurt. I didn't know where to hold to. Siya lang ang kinakapitan ko no'n, pero bigla siyang naglaho. He was the lone source of strength in my confusing life decisions. And when that happened, I felt like my mind was caught in a tangled mess.

I spent months waiting for him. Na baka isang araw ay bubungad siya sa pintuan ng apartment ko dala ang malalapad na ngiti niya. Pero ni minsan, kahit anino niya ay hindi nagpakita.

It was hard to move on my own. Naging balisa ako, tulala, dahil sa pag-aalala sa kaniya. I tried going home but my mom did not allow me. I had no choice but to continue life, now without him.

For two years, I got busy nurturing the anger inside me. I promised myself not to ever have mercy for him. I hated him for not keeping his promise. I hated him for leaving me hanging.

But that anger only melted when I landed foot to the country where I left him. And when I saw him again.

Tumulo ang luha ko habang pinagmamasdan siyang tulala. Walang buhay ang mga mata niya, magulo ang kaniyang buhok at may mga sugat siya sa braso at kamay. Halos hindi ko na siya makilala. Masyado siyang malayo sa kung ano ko siya iniwan noon. Payat, maputla, at tila walang pag-asa ang mga mata niyang nakatulala sa dingding.

The crystal wall in between us seemed so thick that he appeared so far from me. Nakaupo siya sa puting kama. Makalat ang paligid niya. Hindi nakatupi at magulo ang kumot. Pati ang mga puting unan ay nagkalat sa sahig.

Ni isang kurap ay hindi niya magawa. Talagang tulala lang siya na tila ba may kung anong eksena na tumatakbo sa kaniyang isipan. O para bang may palabas siyang pinapanood sa blangkong pader.

“How long has he been like this?” It was painful to ask but I had to. I wanted to know. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit siya nandito at bakit siya nagkaganito.

“More than a year now.”

Mas tumindi ang pag-agos ng luha ko.

Kaya ba hindi niya ako nagawang puntahan? Kaya ba hindi siya tumawag? Pero dalawang taon ako sa ibang bansa at isang taon pa lang siya rito.

“I want to go inside. . . .”

“I don't think that’s a good idea. He gets violent at times.”

Kumirot ang puso ko.

Violent . . . he never did become violent. He was the sweetest, and the most gentle man I knew.

“Please . . .” I pleaded.

Bumuntonghininga si Rell. Dati ko na siyang kaibigan at dito siya nagtatrabaho ngayon.

“Fine,” he gave up.

May kinuha siyang susi sa bulsa niya bago siya lumapit sa pinto. Nakuyom ko ang kamao nang makita kong binuksan niya ang kandado niyon.

He had been in this room for so long. In this suffocating room.

God, how much have you gone through, my love?

Nanginig ako nang humakbang. Nanlabo agad ang mga mata ko nang makapasok sa kuwarto at ni hindi man lang siya lumingon. Para bang ni hindi niya alam ang nangyayari sa paligid niya. Patuloy siya sa pagkakatulala at bagsak na bagsak ang parehong balikat. I doubt that he even heard the clanking of the knob.

Napahikbi ako nang matapat sa kaniya. May kaunting distansya sa pagitan namin. Kahit naroon na ako sa harapan niya, hindi pa rin siya nag-angat ng tingin.

I bit my lower lip when I got to stare at him again. Pumayat talaga siya. Mukhang hindi siya regular na kumakain.

“I told you to take care of yourself. Bakit naman ganito 'yong maaabutan ko?” lumuluha kong usal.

I got no response. He stayed as though he was a statue. Like I was talking to something lifeless. Like I was talking to a dead man.

Napaluhod ako sa harap niya. My knees hit the cold floor and it hurt, yet nothing hurt more than seeing him. My hand reached for his and I held it tight, not wanting to let go.

Hindi siya pumiglas. Para siyang lantang gulay na sumunod sa galaw ko. And his eyes. D*mn, I hate it that it could not even look at me. I wanted him to look at me. Just like before. Just like when everything was fine.

“It's me, Haiden. . . .” It was so painful to mention his name. “Love, it's me.” I tried again but to no avail.

Yumuko ako sa palad niya at doon humagulgol.

“Please recognize me. . . .” I cried.

“Farah . . .”

Napaangat ako ng tingin nang marinig iyon. It was a soft and almost dying voice.

It came from him, I'm sure of that!

“Haiden, love. It's me. Yes, it's Farah, baby. . . .” pahina nang pahina ang boses ko.

Masuyo kong hinawakan ang pisngi niya. Unti-unti, gumalaw ang mga mata niya upang masalubong ang mga mata ko. At parang sinaksak ang puso ko nang paulit-ulit nang dumausdos ang luha niya.

“D-Did you come back for me?” His voice was excruciatingly hopeful.

Tumulo ang luha ko. “Yes. I told you I'll come back for you. I'm here now, love. . . .”

I shut my eyes close when he burst out crying like a child or as if he were an abandoned infant. Mahigpit niya akong niyakap at mas nadurog ang puso ko.

“Ssh. Hindi na ako aalis. Pangako, hindi na ako aalis. . . .”