In my dream I am sitting in a field of green wheat, the stalks bend lazily in the wind and I marvel at the grains. Each one is distinct and though different from the others, still perfectly formed. I run my hand along the edge to feel the combination of rough and smooth and then hold my face upward to feel the warm light of the mid summer day. The air smells just right and the birds fly in an almost cloudless sky. I started walking, the filed goes on forever and after a while my feet become roots, digging into the soil. My hands become green, soon I am also wheat, and I wave happily in the wind.

From the carousel of random ideas comes some order, a subtle awareness of who I am under the flow of thoughts with their loose connections to my waking life. After a few moments more I begin to analyze them in a lazy way, perhaps these ideas are meant to be kept. Some are composed as if from a book I once read, some are just silly. In another moment they are gone leaving no trace. If they are still in my head there is no bread crumb trail back to them. My eyelids flicker open to the unlit room. No daylight. I close them again, willing the carousel to return, for my mind to tumble back to dreams, but it won't.

And then I hear voices, it made me open my eyes once more. An unfamiliar ceiling greeted me, no the room isn't unlit. I maybe hallucinating minutes ago, because right now I can clearly see simple cream ceiling, not pealing or dirty.

"She's awake, mom."

It was Romee's soft voice that made me turn on the right side of the bed. Wait, bed.

"Paris, are you okay?" In my half blurry vision, the image of my mother was formed. Her purple-blue eyes were of worry. "Honey? What do you feel?"

I tried getting up but mom stopped my shoulder, Romee looked at her.

"Wait, I'm gonna call dad and uncle Dave." She said before leaving us.

With the mention of Uncle Dave's name, I was shot by the idea that I'm in the hospital. Then I remember what happened before I passed out. I passed out!

"Hey, Paris... careful." Mom again stopped me from getting up. "Wag ka na munag maupo, wait for your Uncle to check on you."

"Mom, what happened? I was having stomach flu for days and this morning, I'm having a bad headache. Am I ill?" I asked. "What's wrong with me?"

"No, baby... everything is normal. And is okay." She said in a tender voice.

Bumukas ang pinto ng silid, I saw dad first. Next to him is Uncle Dave in his doctor's robe. And then Romee, she's with Thalia.

Seryoso ang tingin na ibinibigay sakin ni daddy, si mommy naman ay umatras upang malapitan ako ni Uncle Dave. He did some test for a moment and then he faced mom, si daddy ay diretso parin ang tutok ng mga mata sakin. His eyes were unreadable. 

"She's fine. Normal ang heartbeat niya, Paris is healthy. What happened awhile ago is normal sign for morning sickness." Dagli ako nitong nilingon at nginitian. "Nonetheless, she and the baby are both safe. An ob-gyn will come over here to have her condition thoroughly checked."

My mouth pursed, slightly open and loose. What is he saying?

"Lalabas na muna ako, Chi. Red. May rounds pa ko." Narinig kong sabi ni Uncle Dave bago ako nito tawagin. "Paris?"

I blinked and refocused. I turned to him and a gentle smile is still on his lips.

"Get better quick, congratulations."

I don't know what I'm gonna say. Rather what I'm gonna do? I don't even understand what he's saying. Nothing is clear to me, not even a single thing.

"Thank you, Dave." Mom answered for me, muling nagpaalam rito si Uncle Dave bago tuluyang lumabas ng silid.

And the Romee's voice comes next. "Dad, mom, Paris, mauuna na rin po kami ni Thalia. May last class pa kasi kami, I just wanna make sure that Paris is okay."

Dad didn't reply. His eyes were still piercing at me. And right now? My heart is thumping badly.

"Sige, Romee. Mag-ingat kayo ni Thalia." It was mom.

Bago lumabas si Romee ay lumapit pa ito saking kinahihigaan upang halikan ang aking noo. She gave me a soft smile and a very understanding look.

"I love you, Paris. Get well quick." She said.

Hindi na ito nag-antay pa ng anumang sasabihin ko at inakay na si Thalia palabas ng silid. Leaving me with my mom and dad.

My mind was still a surging perplexity when dad finally speaks.

"Who's the father?" Danger is underneath the calmness of his voice.

"Red..." Mommy looked at him. "Let's let her rest-"

"When are you going to tell us about this, Paris Amanda? Or do you even have plans?" He continued, ignoring mom.

"Santa de Leones, buntis ang anak mo. Stop stressing her-"

"That's it, Chi. My daughter is pregnant. That's why I'm asking questions, I need answers-"

"Hindi ba pwedeng tsaka na? When she's already stable?"

It hits me. I'm pregnant. I'm damn pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I am pregnant.

My mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend or process everything that was sent to my mind. I closed my eyes, then flicked it open hoping that this is all just a part of my dream. But no.

The pair of my father's dark eyes matched mine. It looks lethal even murderous.

"D-dad..." that's the first word that came off my mouth, then I couldn't utter anything next to it.

Aidan. The thought of him crossed my mind. Just how gentle he was, just how caring he was that night. The thought of how he treated me that night of my birthday comes flashing.

He's there beside me when my world collapsed. And now that dad is asking me, will I tell him? Dad may hurt Aidan. No way, I'm part to blame on what happened that night. It's not just Aidan.

"Don't make me repeat my questions, Amanda."

"Red, stop giving your daughter a hard time." Impatience is obvious in mom's voice, nilingon niya ako at malambing na nginitian. "Rest, baby."

"I'm waiting for your answer."

"Stop pressuring her!" Hindi na napigilan pa ni mommy ang magtaas ng tinig.

"Stop asking me to stop, because I'm not stopping." Bahagya ring tumaas ang tinig ni daddy and it made me tremble. Nakatuon ang mga mata nito kay mommy but I can feel the intensity on it. "This is my daughter we're talking about, if I have throttle her for the answers I need I will."

"Anak ko rin si Paris, Red. And I'm not letting you force her, sasagot siya kung gusto niya." Mas matapang ang tinig ni mommy.

"I'm not giving her any choice. Do you understand what I'm feeling right now? Do you have any idea, Chiara Paula?" Pain is obvious in his voice.

I felt a sudden squeeze in my chest. I'm like being caught in a huge fight between an adamant lynx and a hungry lion.

Nakita kong bahagyang kumalma ang ekspresyon ni mommy na tila ba nakukuha niya ang punto ni dad. She inhaled softly and pointed the door.

"Lumabas ka muna, Red. Ako ang kakausap kay, Paris." Akmang tutol pa si daddy nang dugtungan ni mommy ang sasabihin. "Please? I don't wanna see you here, you do trust me don't you? Ako na ang bahala kay Paris, Red. I'll give you the answers you want later. Just please, go."

Nanatiling nakatitig ito kay mommy ng ilang sandali bago nito ako balingan. Everything is unreadable with his expressions but pain.

I've hurt dad. I've hurt my father...

Tahimik itong lumabas ng silid and when I heard the door shuts close, I turned to mom and saw her wiping the corner of her eyes.

"I'm always like this every time I see your dad in pain, hindi na ito nawala sakin..." she chuckled softly, it sounded sad.

"Mom, I'm sorry..."

"Sorry? About what honey?" Kumunot ang kaniyang noo atsaka ako binalingan. "About being pregnant? Paris, I never felt sorry when I was pregnant with your brother and with you and Romee."

"But I hurt dad..."

"It's just normal..." a small smile curved her lips. "You are our baby, but that doesn't mean na kami lang ang maaaring mag mahal sayo. He maybe hurt but he'll get by, oh Paris..."

Inabot ako ni mommy at mahigpit na niyakap. Kusang tumulo ang luha mula saking mga mata. I felt safe in mom's arms. I feel like, her embrace is the only thing in the world that could soothe me.

"Paris, a baby is never a mistake. A surprise sometimes, but never a mistake. Don't be sorry." Mas humigpit pa ang yakap ko kay mommy. "I love you, I love everything about you. I love everything that is about to come for you. I love you, Paris..."

"Mommy, I love you..." humihikbi kong bulong. "I-I'm scared..."

"Of what? Of your dad?" Marahan niyang tanong. "Baby, he may be every bad thing but he is your father. Nasasaktan siya ngayon kasi mahal ka niya. You know what? Your dad is far from a typical man. He behaves differently, but darling he loves you. You don't have to be scared of him, hindi mo siya kalaban. Kakampi mo ang daddy mo. Kakampi mo kami. Paris, we will never let you down."

"I'm scared of everything, mom. I-I didn't expect this to happen..." nakagat ko ang aking ibabang labi.

My eyes were burning and my chest felt heavy as it it was filled with lead. My eyes drip with tears, the walls that hold me up, make me strong just collapse. I felt so weak. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching mom's shirt.

"If you are afraid of sunshine, even the sun is scary to you." Mom said. "Do you understand what I mean, Paris? Fear is shackles. Fear is a knife in the gut slowly twisted. It's a constant hammer on the head."

Tiningala ko si mommy, she used her hand to wipe the tears I have on my face. She's looking at me, talking as if I'm the five year old Paris she used to tuck in at night.

"When fear comes walk with confidence right pass, because like a ghost of children's nightmares, it's an illusion."

She's right. Mom is right. I shouldn't be scared.

"Besides, you have me. You have our family, by your side. Hindi ka namin pababayaan." I can see how her purple-blue eyes glow with love. "Hindi kita pababayaan, I am your mother."

"It was Aidan Castañeda..." kusa iyong inilabas ng aking bibig. "He's not my boyfriend, mom..."

I watched mom's expressions changed. From shocked it went back to normal. It was filled with different type of emotions, ngunit ni hindi ko natanaw ang ni katiting na panghuhusga.

"Was it forced?" She asked, scrutinizing me.

Mabilis akong umiling. I don't want her to have a bad impression towards Aidan. He's a fine man.

I saw relief rolled her eyeballs on my respond. "Do you love the guy?"

"Mom..." I bit my lower lip, unable to answer her question.

But maybe, studies were right. Mothers knows exactly what their children are feeling, because mom smiled at me and shook her head.

"I'm sorry for intruding, I shouldn't have asked." She sighed and bent down to kiss my forehead. "I love you, Paris. You should rest, ako na ang bahala sa lahat. Just rest for you and our baby, okay?"