Lying on the bed in her cabin aboard the Blackstar, Amy Larsson opened her eyes and stared up at the skylight. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and a searing pain throbbed in her left arm, where the red lines had begun to ascend from her hand all the way up to her shoulder. It momentarily dulled the leaden feeling in her stomach, so that it took her a second too long to realize that it was about to turn. Tumbling out of the bed through tangled sheets, and stumbling clumsily toward the bath room, she ended up being too slow. She half vomited, half coughed dark blood all over the floor.

This is bad... Lars noted.

He had taken control of the body in an attempt to help Null move, but even he couldn't power through the kind of pain they were in right now. They were on the floor on their knees, supporting their weight with their right arm because the left was hurting too much, and panting heavily.

Further in the back of their mind, Null's presence seemed to be crouched into a corner, shivering. She was still in shock from the dreams. It had taken him too long to pull her out, he realized. And this time, she clearly remembered what they had seen.

Lars grit their teeth and forced the body to stand up. It felt strange to be in control alone, he hadn't taken over completely since they had escaped the Butcher's place. He leaned against their desk to take a moment to catch their breath and wait for their head to stop spinning.

His gaze fell on the shelf above. There, next to the box that held the eye augment that Higgs had given them, a huddled pile of silver was softly gleaming in the dark. She had taken the necklace and ring they had found on Riga's body, probably suspecting what it was after all they had seen. He had said nothing, thinking it might help her somehow to hold on to it, but now he wished they had left it behind and burned it with the rest of the place.

Null? Talk to me, he said, alarmed by her prolonged silence.

I'm okay, she said, but she clearly wasn't.

Null, you're not gonna like this, but we need help. We need to go back to New Elysium, Lars said. And quite frankly, if you keep refusing to go or insist on any more detours, I will remain in control from now on. I promised you once that I would take care of this body and I can't let this continue.

No... she whispered. You're right.

Their stomach turned again, but there was nothing left inside to come up. With a staggered gait, Lars directed the body back to the bed somehow, where they collapsed and curled up into a ball. And as they were lying there, every fiber of their body aching, he realized that it wasn't all just physical pain. It radiated outward from Null's corner of their mind like a toxic sun, poisoning them from inside just as much as the Widow's Kiss.

Null...

One thousand one hundred fifteen, she said, her voice wavering as much as her presence, and yet the one I can't help but feel bad about... the one I can't forget is-

Stop it, Null. Don't... don't punish yourself for something that isn't your fault.

He noticed a strange sensation on their face, and brought up a hand against their cheek. Even though Null wasn't even in control, the body was crying.

Inside their mind, Null's presence continued to shiver and waver in silence. He closed their eyes and tried to focus. He tried to think of something that would cheer her up, to bring up a memory that she might find comfort in, but nothing came to mind. To his frustration and dismay, he realized that he was completely powerless to help her right now. Despite being as close as two beings could possibly be, he was infinitely too far removed from being able to do anything of actual use. He wanted nothing more than to hold her close and comfort her, and he just couldn't.

Null... he spoke her name softly, but there was nothing but silence from her side of their mind now.

And then he noticed another sensation. It was in their chest. It was their heart, and it felt like it was being torn apart so violently that Lars thought they might have to throw up again. That, he realized, wasn't just Null's pain any longer. It was his own.

Lars opened his eyes again, and stared up at the stars. It took him a second to realize that he was not actually looking at the skylight in the captain's cabin, but at the starlit sky above the beach in their mind. He jerked upright and looked around. Not far from him, Null was cowering in the sand, her head hanging low, her legs pulled close and her arms wrapped around them. In half a second, he was by her side and pulled her into a tight embrace. He silently thanked whatever gods might have been watching over them that she had somehow found the strength to bring them here.

"You told me not to bottle up the anger," he whispered against her hair, "The same goes for sadness, doesn't it?"

She just nodded and nestled up against him. Her skin felt cold, as if she had been sitting there for a long time before he had found her. Her hair and clothes were damp and tousled, and her breath was heavy and ragged by violent shivers. Once again he wondered why her mind would choose to show him all that, and allow him to feel all that. After all, it wasn't real – all that he felt were shadows of sensations that this human body was capable of. It was an illusion of her mind, and that thought now filled him with profound disappointment and sadness.

But it was as close as he would ever get, and so he did the only thing that he could think of, and just hugged her close.

"I am sorry that I drag you along through all of this..." she said meekly.

"Don't be silly, Null," he said. "Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Weren't you the one who lectured me on situations that we cannot change, and the importance of choices? Well, you are not to blame for what happened to you... and as for me - if I wasn't already here, I'd chose to come for you. Always."

At his words, she choked on new tears, and at first he thought he had said something wrong. But then she nodded.

"Thank you..." she whispered.

They sat there for a while in silence, and eventually, she stopped shivering and the tension in her body seemed to ease.

"Null, we really need to go back," he reminded her softly.

"I don't want to," she said, sounding like a defiant child, and cuddled up closer to him.

"I'm serious Null. We need to see a doctor."

"Oh. You mean New Elysium," she muttered.

"What?" he asked, baffled.

"Never mind..."

She shifted in his arms and turned to look at the ocean, leaving him to stare down at her rather confused.

"Well... I suppose they're gonna be pretty happy to see us," he said in an attempt to cheer her up. "Think about that giant crate of hardware in our cargo hold. Think about how many people we can help with that."

She didn't reply. She just stared out at the sea, hypnotized, and he didn't really know what else to say. They needed to go back, but it seemed like something was still keeping her here.

"Do you think it will be enough?" she asked after a while.

"For what?"

"Can you buy back your soul through good deeds if you need to kill people along the way?" she elaborated, her voice barely more than a whisper.

He stiffened at her unexpected question. He remembered having read much about this topic, in his old life. He had consumed almost all religious scriptures and philosophical texts that mankind had come up with since the invention of the written word. He had indulged in the idea that if perhaps he just read enough, he might one day understand what it means to be human, what it means to be alive, and what it means to have a soul. He had hoped that he would one day know if he, too, had a soul.

But in the end, the answers to his questions had always eluded him. And all that reading, all that philosophizing with his Captain, all the time spent pondering the human condition and the nature of a soul, and all his attempts to see the world like a human, had not prepared him in the least for any of the things he had learned while sharing this human body with Null. In a way, it felt like he was closer to the answers he sought than ever before. Yet at the same time, the closer he came, the more he realized that these were questions that could never be answered with the absolute certainty that his inorganic mind desired.

"I... I don't think I'm an expert on that," he answered finally. "But I don't think you need to buy yourself a soul, Null. I am very certain you already have one."

She turned her head to look up at him, with a complex, unreadable look on her face. He stared back at her, puzzled by her expression. Strangely, he was looking at the same face he saw in the mirror every day, yet it seemed so very different – and not just because in this place, she looked purely organic.

"Hm. Maybe you're right," she said after a few moments, and then rested her head against his chest again.

It surprised him that she had been so easily convinced, and he still wasn't certain what to make of that strange look she had given him, but he decided not to pursue it any further. It was a weird feeling to discuss these topics with her in this setting. He found himself reminded of how he had often debated the nature of humans and AI, the existence of the soul, or even a higher power with his Captain, but it was not the same as his conversations with Null on this beach. It was entirely different, on so many levels.

"Lars, do you think those dreams are really my memories?" she suddenly asked, and her words caused him to snap out of his nostalgic thoughts again.

"Well, not all of them," he said. "That part with the butcher..."

He fell silent. He didn't feel comfortable spelling out any of what they had seen in that nightmare. The memory alone sent a shiver through his body.

"But the other things. Before. It... it didn't seem like a nightmare at first, did it?" she asked.

"No," he had to admit. "It was..."

"Nice," she finished his sentence in a low voice. "It was nice."

He nodded pensively, and he could feel her tense up in his arms again. This was as confusing and upsetting to her as to him. It seemed so inconceivable that the man he had met when he had awoken in Null's mind was capable of anything even remotely resembling love. But they had seen the images in that folder. And now, Lars had felt it in their dream. Every sensation and every emotion, as if he had been there with her that day. He had felt every touch, every kiss, and each of the soft shivers that had run down her spine. He had felt her longing, and her love. It was equal parts awe-inspiring, confusing and absolutely infuriating. Lars shook his head to make the memory of these sensations go away again. The tugging in the place where his heart would be - if he had one, and if this place was real - seemed to help that effort.

"I just wonder if that's just the way I wish everything was, or if it could really be true," she said. "If those were real memories, or just... dreams."

"Well... I'm not an expert on that either," he had to admit. "I never even really dreamed before I met you. Not in the same way. But... these dreams that show your memories, they feel different. More... real."

He swallowed, and tried to put into words what he had felt while at the same time avoiding an overly vivid recollection of it all.

"Like there's more substance to them. So I'm fairly certain that those were memories."

"But the human brain is terrible at recollection. It's not precise, like your memories..." she said. "What if I'm just making it all up to comfort myself?"

"Hm. I don't get the impression that those dreams are doing a very good job at bringing you any comfort," he remarked. "But... perhaps remembering is the first step you need to take to let it go? If that's what... you want to do."

He thought of the necklace and the ring that sat on the shelf above their desk, and wondered if she was really ready to let any of it go. And he wondered for how many nights he would have to watch her torture herself and be tortured in her dreams. The thought pained him, and he wrapped his arms around her more tightly. That moment, he hated himself for not calling out to her sooner, for not forcing his way out of the darkness in her mind faster so he could help her. He would never forgive himself for that.

Suddenly, she twisted out of his embrace and got to her feet, craning her head back to look up at the sky above, looking more like Evelyn, the version of her he had met during their dream, than Null for a moment.

"So... this place... it's a memory too, right?" she asked.

"Yes..." he said, hesitantly. He could have shown her, but he felt like there were things she had to remember by herself. He would not make the mistake of trying to force her to remember something again.

"I think ... my wish came true after all," she remarked. She pointed up at a constellation that stood out against the rest of the stars due to their bluish glow. "My wish to go and see the stars..."

"You remember about that?" he asked in surprise.

"Some of it," she said, and looked back at him over her shoulder to throw him a wistful smile.

She turned back to look at the constellation, and he became strangely aware of how cold the air in this illusionary place could feel, now that he didn't feel her warmth by his side any longer. And as he looked up at her, this impossible manifestation of her self, he recalled what she had said when they had been here last.

Today we draw the line we won't cross.

For him, that very moment, it felt as if that line was drawn right there between them in the sand. It was shifting and blurred, like the line between her memories and dreams, and this illusion that her mind had cast for them. It was as thin as the veil that separated their minds,. But it was there, and in that moment, it felt to him like a massive wall. And he realized that like energy affecting matter, his binary existence could influence hers, but he could never truly interact, never really touch her. That was the line he could not cross.

He finally understood the feeling in the place where his heart would be, if he had one. The tugging had turned into unbearable pain, like a storm lashing out and tearing through his thoughts, a fire razing everything to the ground he thought he had known and understood about the world and about his existence. He hadn't known anything. He hadn't understood anything until now.

She turned around to look at him again, her smile turning into a look of concern.

"Are you okay?"

He was not. He would never be again. He had finally come to understand what it meant to truly be alive. And he knew he would have to bear the pain of his realization for the rest of his existence. Perhaps it was his punishment for what he had done to her, for all the pain he had caused her. It was only fair that he would have to suffer, too.

But he would make dead sure that she would never have to know that kind of suffering. His pain was his own, as much as his love. So in response to her question, he sighed and shook his head softly, and then got up to his feet.

"I made a promise too," he said, "To always take care of you and look after you – and this body. So... let's go back."

~ ~ ~

In the captain's cabin, something stirred in the shadows in the corner of the room, and Ensign Darwin made his way toward the bed. He jumped up and meowed tentatively, as if to express his worry at the lifeless body of his captain.

Amy Larssonshifted and turned around to look at the cat, heterochromatic gaze meeting heterochromatic gaze. He meowed again, and rubbed his head against her shoulder almost forcefully. She stretched out her hands and pulled Darwin close, and he nestled into her embrace with a pleased purr.

"Rutherford," Amy Larsson said in a hoarse voice, activating the voice command that would connect her to the ship's intercom system.

"Yes ma'am?" Rutherford's voice resounded through the room.

"Set course for New Elysium," she ordered. "Tell them... tell Cyril we're bringing him a gift. And we need his help."

_____
A.N.
#TeamLars, anyone? What do you think of the story so far? If you enjoy it, please consider leaving a vote, I'd really appreciate it! And I'm always happy to hear your thoughts in the comments!