Mitch sighed as he checked his phone for probably the 1000th time. Scott still hadn’t answered any of the texts he’d sent in the last 3 days. He’d gotten a few one word responses the day they’d returned to LA, but that was it. Scott had gone dark since. It wasn’t unusual for him to neglect his phone, but it was frustrating, to say the least. 

He’d gotten used to the other man’s presence again and being alone now was just overwhelming and, to be frank, boring. He had so much he wanted to talk about, his mind was brimming with information to share and he also needed advice, stat.

Dinner with David had actually been a lot of fun. If there had been any doubt that it was a date, David had cleared that up real quick. He really put on the charm, telling Mitch how nice he looked, opening doors, pulling out chairs. Mitch felt a bit like Cinderella with the gorgeous man. After dinner they’d walked around one of the outdoor plazas nearby, stopping for smoothies along the way. He’d burst out laughing when one of Scott’s songs came over the speakers in the little shop. Just the reminder of his friend had sent his mind elsewhere and he just couldn’t seem to bring it back to the Scot in front of him. As they walked hand in hand back to David’s car, all he could seem to think about was how much smaller David’s hand was than Scott’s, how much looser his grip was. 

When David had gotten all shy and nervous when he’d dropped Mitch off at his door, it was too adorable. Instead of going in for the actual kiss like every other guy, David kissed his cheek sweetly before telling him goodnight. He’d left with a smile and Mitch left with butterflies in his stomach.

He was dying to talk to Scott about it, wanting to enjoy all of the fun little things that came with new crushes and first dates. He wanted to gossip and have girl talk with his best friend, but he wouldn’t.answer.his.phone. 

He stared at his suitcase which he’d still yet to unpack and finally scrunched his nose and lifted it onto the bed, unzipping it. He began to sort everything out, Wyatt “helping” by testing out the piles to see which was most comfy. 

He stopped when he spotted something he didn’t recognize. He pulled out the blue fabric and held it up and felt his heart swell. It was the blue gradient sweater he’d been gawking at in the window of one of the stores but knew he could never afford. Scott must have gotten it for him. He went to try it on but raised an eyebrow when something fell from between the fabric inside and landed on the floor at his feet. 

It was an envelope with his name scrawled across the front in very familiar handwriting. 

He smiled and picked it up, surprised by the thickness of it. He opened it and realized it was a letter. It was a very LONG letter. Any lingering smile he had left from his gift disappeared. Why would he write him a letter? He wouldn’t… not for any GOOD news. 

He moved the now half empty suitcase onto the floor and climbed onto his bed, leaning against the pillows as he began to read.

His fingers moved to cover his mouth, tears filling his eyes and falling like rain.

He got to the end and dropped the paper like it was on fire. 

He was pretty sure he had stepped into some strange alternate universe and this was someone’s sick joke. There was no way… this couldn’t… 

HE couldn’t… 

What the fu¢k was he supposed to do with THIS!? 

“Stupid fu¢king… SCOTT!”

He stood and started pacing… unable to process the words. So many words. He stared at the pages sitting on his comforter and grabbed them once again, starting from the beginning, trying to wrap his mind around them. 

----------------------

Hey

I don’t know where to start. You know I always have trouble starting things. It’s finding the right words to say, I guess. Problem is I can’t start this in the middle like I do when I write songs. 

I realize now that Avi and Kevin aren’t ever going to trust me enough, or even forgive me enough to give Pentatonix another try. I can’t really say that I blame them. I’m just sorry it didn’t work out, for your sake. You deserve to be successful, to be happy.

You deserve a lot of things. I guess that's where I should start… 

I probably should have said this in person, but I know how this is going to end and I’m honestly not brave enough to fall apart in front of you, not like this, not this time.

I’ve already put you through so much. This is probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, confessing, but I promised I’d always be honest with you, no matter what. I already broke that promise once, (well, if you count the amount of lies from that one night alone the number would probably be triple digits but I choose to count it as one ginormous lie) look where that decision got us. 

I refuse to hide things from you again, to lie to you. Besides, you already asked me about it and I already promised that I’d tell you. 

Let me just start by saying a few things. (Look, I know you’re already bored by now and you’re rolling your eyes because I’m rambling, but I need to get this out there. So keep your pants on and just do this one last thing for me. I need you to see these words.) 

I hate that you don’t realize how amazing you are. (eye rolling to a minimum please) I know you try to hide it behind jokes and fake confidence and cockiness, but I see it. I see the way you look at yourself in the mirror, I see that tiny flinch of your eye when someone jokes about your weight or when you joke about being slutty. That brings me to another point. I don’t know why you let these guys treat you like a doormat or a toy. You’re gorgeous and so smart and clever and just the MOST talented person I’ve ever met. I’m not trying to judge you, but I want better for you. Maybe someone like David, someone who really sees you. You called yourself average and mousy, but those words don’t even come close. You’re beautiful and handsome at the same time. You’re small, but you have a presence that fills an entire room. Everyone who meets you immediately wants to know more, and I think that’s part of the problem. Everyone wants a piece of you and you’re way too generous with yourself. Please stop leaving pieces of yourself behind with people who don’t deserve them. People like me. 

I’ve never really deserved any of the pieces you’ve given me over the years. You’ve given me so many, and as much as I love them, I took them all for granted. Every smile, every laugh, every word, every hug, every note sung…  I didn’t appreciate any of it the way it should have been. You deserved so much better, someone who didn’t always take and take without giving. I see that now. I see a lot of things now that I’ve been blind to for so long. It’s hard to look back and realize how much I’ve hurt you. I can’t imagine how you’ve forgiven all of my mistakes and messes through the years, but I honestly don’t know how I could have made it through without you.  

Kinda strange, right? Not being able to imagine your life without someone in it? It’s true though. When we weren’t talking I kept trying to imagine what my life would be like if I'd never met you, and you know what, every time I tried, my imaginary life just got worse and worse. You were always there to push me, to give me confidence, to inspire me. You always take care of me when I can’t take care of myself, which happens to be a lot. You always take the difficult road so I don’t have to. You’ve always protected me and I’ve never deserved it, and i’ve never really thanked you the way you should be. 

So thank you. I know they aren’t enough, just those two words, but you know I’m not really all that eloquent when it comes to shi† like this. 

And here I am off topic. I meant for this letter to be about you and somehow I’ve managed to make it about me. That’s what I always do even without meaning to. I’m so, so incredibly sorry. I’m sorry for everything.

I’m sorry I’m such a mess and I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better when I had the chance to. I’m sorry I let Travis tear you down and neglect you, and I’m sorry I let Alex hit you. 

Most of all I can never express how sorry I am that I’m the one that’s hurt you the most and the worst. I guess you could say I'm your own personal wrecking ball. I can never make up for it, and not just that night, but all of the days and nights that came before it. Too many screw ups to count. You always helped pick me back up and helped clean up the messes I left behind. 

I’ve had so much time to think about it, to reflect. You’re all I seem to be able to think about these days. I guess I should have realized my feelings sooner. Things would have turned out so differently. I could have been better. I’d still be happy, PTX would still be together, and I’d still get to see your smile every day. 

That damη smile of yours. I swear you could end wars with that smile. It’s one of the things I know I’m going to miss the most. No matter where we were in the world, one look at that smile and I was home. 

Fu¢k, Mitch I can’t even get out what I want to say because there just aren’t words. I’m rambling again, but I don’t think I ever really stopped. 

This letter isn’t what you deserve either, but I have to say it. 

Alex said you were in love with me. I was so fu¢king scared of those words. I didn’t know what to do with them. You’d been my best friend for so long, you were a permanent fixture in my life. That was your title. I couldn’t process changing that title. It turns out that wasn’t really why I was so afraid. 

I was the biggest idiot on the planet. Still am.

I don’t know how I couldn’t see the damη forest for the trees or whatever that saying is. You were right there, my perfect match. Hell we were practically dating for years without the extra perks. I’m kinda surprised Alex lasted as long as he did before freaking out about us. I mean I did tell him that a week alone with him wouldn’t be as fun without you. That should have been hint #204398. It was really obvious now that I think about it. My first thought when I woke up was always you. I always wondered if you were awake, even if I wasn’t in the same apartment with you. Every morning. Obviously my second thought if you were nearby was did you want to go get coffee. (Which was stupid because the answer was always emphatically yes.)

I want to always hear you laugh, and always wake up wondering if you’re awake too. I want to be able to open my eyes and see for myself if you are or if you’re still sleeping next to me. 

I want to hold you in my arms and snuggle on the couch and watch every damη episode of spongebob, even the lame ones. (Put the eyebrow down, you know there were some less than brilliant ones)

I want to spend hours doing nothing but laying around and talking absolute nonsense, but really it makes perfect sense to us. 

I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you so much it hurts every single time that you’re close and I know that I can’t. But I want to… so fu¢king bad. You always chew on your bottom lip, and now I think you do it on purpose to drive me crazy, to tempt me. 

I want to feel your heartbeat against mine, skin to skin, mouth to mouth. 

I want to taste your neck and leave my mark behind for all to see. I want to find that sensitive place on your hip that you told me about once when we were drunk. I want to drag my tongue across it. I desperately want to hear the sound of my name come from between those lips I want to kiss so badly. 

But I know I can’t have any of those things. I never will. 

Deanne told me to tell you, that there was a chance you could find it in your heart to forgive me for all that I’ve done wrong, that maybe you really did feel the way Alex said you did. I know I’m not that lucky. I heard you and Kirstie talking. I know I lost the right to your heart a long time ago. I’ve hurt you too deeply, too many times. I’ve never deserved you next to me, and I deserve you even less now. I imagine my heart is going to bleed for you from now until forever, but that’s ok. I think the hurt will keep your memory close. 

My beautiful, flawless Mitch. 

I’m so in love with you I can’t even see straight (jokes aside Maleficent.) I’m pretty sure I have been for years, but I didn’t understand what it was. These past few days have meant the world to me. I'm just happy I could make you smile, if only for a little while. I tried to be the man that I wish I could be for you, tried my best to do things to make you happy, but like always I only hurt you again, over and over. I never meant to, I never intended to, but it always happens, you always end up crying because I screwed up.

But I can't help it. I tried to turn it off, I know its not fair to you, I know you shouldn't be put in this position, but that's why I'm doing this. So you don't have to be. I just ...

I love you so much.

You’re the one I want to tell my secrets to, the one whose secrets I’d never give away. You’re the one I’d die for, the one I’d kill for (there’ve been some guys when we’ve gone to the bar that have really come close to getting it.) When I imagine all of my dreams coming true, it’s you who is standing next to me.  

But I know what telling this truth means, and it’s tearing me apart. I don’t want to go back to not seeing you and not spending time with you. I don’t want to go back to the emptiness and the heartache and the silence. I don’t want to lose you again. 

But I know I will.  And i’m sorry. 

Just please take better care of yourself from now on, ok? Don’t just pick any cute guy that seems like he’d be nice. Maybe give David a chance. I promise if you look at it without your veil of self-deprecation you’ll realize that he’s really into you. You said he was a gentleman, and that’s what you deserve. 

I want you to be happy. I want you to realize how amazing you are and how incomparably gorgeous/handsome/beautiful/exquisite/everyotherpositivesynonymever you are. I want you to know how special you are and how talented you are and not be afraid of it. 

I want you to find someone who will take care of you. You spent so much time taking care of me it’s time someone did the same for you. 

You don’t have to clean up my messes anymore, you don’t have to carry my heavy loads for me either. It’s time you start living for you and I love you more than enough to understand that you deserve better. 

I hate writing this. I hate the already crushing feel of my heart crumbling in my chest.  I hate all of these tears that are blurring my words. It’s my turn now. I hurt you, now it’s time for me to hurt, really hurt. 

You’re the most important person in my life. I feel like I’m leaving half of me behind with these words, but I guess I am. 

I love you, Mitch Grassi. I love you with all of my heart. Mind, body and soul I’m yours. I’m not sure it’s even possible for me to ever love anyone else as much as I love you, but I hope that you do. I pray you find him and I pray that he treats you like the Queen that you are. I want you to be happy, like cheesy storybook, chick flick kinda happy. 

I have so much more I want to say, but the pain is just too much now. I just can’t …

I’m sorry for being this selfish. I’m sorry for not doing this in person. I’m sorry for all of it, everything. I'm sorry. 

Goodbye Mitch. 

I love you. Always. Forever.

Scott.