Alexander's POV

Everything is shit.

I can't sleep. I can hardly eat anything. I was tossing in the bed and I just decided to get up and go sit in the living room so I wouldn't wake Gabrielle up. She needs her rest.

I sit on the edge of the couch with my arms on my thighs, my head bowed down. Just sitting in the silence. Thinking.

These past days have been wild. The fucking race at Friday. The pictures. Drugs. And Gabrielle's concern she might be pregnant. I swear to God, my whole world stopped when I learned that there's a possibility I could be a father. And a realisation hit me that I'd easily get an award for being the shittiest father that exists. And it also made me realise that I don't want that. I don't want to be a shitty father.

And all those realisations lead me to a new realisation that I still have so much unresolved shit going on inside me that I am unintentionally making shitty decisions and potentially hurt everyone closest to me; Gabrielle the most, but not only her.

I act irrationally sometimes just because I have this fucking hole inside of me that I want to fill. And I fill it so I do stupid shit that makes other people mad. I can't go all psychological because I have zero ideas of why I love to fuck things up for everyone. And that's why I don't know how to stop doing that.

I'm not stupid, though. Gabrielle might be an angel, a saint of all saints, but there is only so much shit she can take from me. There are only so many mistakes she will decide to forgive me for. I know she has her limit. I also know that my foolishness could make her go so far that she'd leave me; and when she did, she wouldn't come back. That's the person she is. She's forgiving; too forgiving sometimes – which I can be lucky about – but when you cross a line with her, that's it. You're on your own.

That's been eating me alive since Friday. I didn't do drugs on Friday, it's been sometimes since I took them and it was only because I was in a too fucked up state of mind to say no, but, hell, Gabrielle is right. If I wasn't careful, I could go to jail for that. Not only that, but I could lose her. And that's so much worse than being locked up.

"What are you doing here in the dark?"

My head lifts to where Gabrielle's sweet, quiet voice came from. I can't see her, but I see the outline of her body, standing by the couch. She's nervously playing with the hem of her shirt. "You should be sleeping," I tell her, my voice rough and low, my throat dry.

"So should you. I don't sleep that well when you're not in bed with me," she admits and sits down beside me, putting some distance between us and that kills me. Wrecks me.

"What's going on?" she asks me.

"Are you happy? With me, I mean?"

"What?" I hear the surprise in her question.

"And I expect a sincere answer."

She hesitates. I see she starts twisting her hands in her lap and a knot forms in my chest. I look down.

"Just because there are tough times sometimes and we make mistakes, doesn't mean I'm not generally happy. Or that I love you a little less."

She said we make mistakes. What she meant is that I fuck up, she's just there to clear my mess and silently watch me pull myself back together.

"Sam told me about the coke thing. That you said you did it only twice and you wanted to resell it on Friday," she hurries on.

I huff. "Yes. I took it twice, but I didn't resell it. I threw it away, as I said I would. I don't want to get into that sh– stuff." There could be troubles – for her, too. And I don't want her being exposed to anything like that.

"Then why?" she's confused, but she's not judging. She just wants to talk.

"I don't know, Gabby. I don't know what I was thinking ... No – I wasn't thinking clearly, that's the problem."

"You could tell me about it, you know. You could talk to me every time you want to do something repulsive that would hurt us. Because it's not just you anymore, I told you that."

I close my eyes, sighing. God, do I know that. And truth is, I've never, ever came even remotely as close as I did with her and that shit's still scary sometimes because I know I did some fucked up shit to her and she deserves way better than me. But for some reason, she doesn't think that. And she chooses me. Every time. Over anyone.

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Sure," I reply immediately.

"Why did you get so mad about those pictures? I mean, if nothing was going on ..."

"Because, Gabrielle, I can't even look at someone else, at any other girls that aren't you, dreading even standing close to them and there you were, accusing me of things and I lost it. I can't imagine touching someone that's not you. Why can you?"

"I wasn't accusing you," she murmurs. "But she likes you and I have a hard time trusting her around you. I trust you, but not her."

I let out a long breath. Those words are like a prayer for my ears. "We can't go on like this anymore, though. I can't do this anymore. Not like that."

I see her shifting in the dark, sitting upright. "What do you mean?" I can hear the panic in her voice.

"I think it's time I talk to someone. A professional. To get some help." There it is. Admitting it for the first time. To myself and to her.

"Oh ..." she breathes out. "Will you really?" Her voice is hopeful. She was trying to talk me into seeking help, but I didn't listen.

"I think it's time I do," I admit. My head still gets clouded with shit sometimes and it's hard to think. It's easy to fall under the influence of others when you're not standing with your both feet firmly on the ground. "How did you do it? How did you get through that hell of yours?"

Gabrielle has never had it easy in her life and I know that if someone understands, it'd definitely be her.

She shrugs. "I just cried a lot, I guess."

Gabrielle didn't have anyone to help her get through the shit. She had to do it all alone and, my God, if that doesn't make her the strongest person I've ever known in my life. "I'm sorry," I say helplessly.

She just shrugs. "It's okay. I didn't have anyone that would love me and be there for me, though. You're lucky you do."

I smile. Yeah. That I am. "You have people that love you now. Me and everyone else. We all adore you."

"That's really good to hear," she says with a small voice.

I sigh, turning my head towards her, even though I can't see her. "You're way too far away from me right now," I say hoarsely, even nervously. These past days have been tough on both of us.

She comes closer to me and puts her head on my shoulders. I wrap my arm around her, bringing her close to my body. "I love you, Little one, no matter what. You know I'll massively fu– mess up here and there because that's what I know how to do best, but you'll always come first to me, even though I may not show it sometimes."

She sighs. "Just no more secrets. I mean it, Alexander. If you want a girlfriend, you can have me, but if you want a flatmate that you won't have to answer to or tell anything, you might have to go and find someone else because I am not going to be that person."

I squeeze her tighter against me, squeezing my eyes shut. I almost lost my shit when I saw her with luggage, wanting to leave me. I got into full panic mode because I know that if I lose her, I won't have anything meaningful left. Everything else in my life is just shit without her.

"No more secrets," I solemnly promise.

"Even if you think they'd hurt me or cause problems. You can't hide things that you know will cause a disagreement between us."

I rub my eyebrow, sighing. "Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry, Gabrielle. I don't know what I was even thinking."

I realised with her that she often processes the things that hurt her for some time before she brings them up again to talk it out as if she needs time to get through them on her own.

"Let's go somewhere this weekend. Me and you. Somewhere nice. Completely alone."

"Like where?" Gabrielle asks me.

"I don't know. Just somewhere nice."

I feel her sighing, her hand coming to rest on my chest. "That would be really nice," she murmurs.

A small smile turns my lips upwards. I lean rest my chin on top of her head, closing my eyes. I feel much calmer now. Just by being in her presence. "You should go to sleep. You have classes tomorrow."

She nods. "Uh-huh," she says, but doesn't move.

"Come on," I say, slowly standing up. I lift her in my arms and she doesn't even protest. I know she must be tired, it's been a long day for her. Her arms come around my neck immediately.

"I love how strong you are," she tells me half-sleepily.

I grin, walking her to the bedroom and to our bed. She doesn't release me when I put her down. Her thumbs caress the sides of my neck and I get chills all over my body when I feel her breath against my cheeks. "Stay with me," she says as a quiet plea.

"I'm not going anywhere," I say equally as softly.

Her lips press against my chin and she smiles. "Okay." She releases me so I can get in bed with her. She immediately snuggles against me and I automatically wrap an arm around her. This is the dynamic between us; we're both driven to each other and there's this chemistry that it's hard to resist. An invisible pull that's been there since day one.

I kiss the top of her head and close my eyes, feeling the tiredness creeping into my body and I just let it consume me.

˙˙˙

Gabrielle's alarm wakes up both the next borning. She stirs in my arms, groaning. "Crap," she mutters groggily.

A chuckle erupts from me, my arm tightening around her, not letting her go anywhere. "Don't go," I murmur, not even opening my eyes.

"Have to," she murmurs. She extends her arm, turning the alarm off, but she doesn't get out of bed. She snuggles back into my side and my eyes open.

"Changed your mind?"

"Too tired," she says back, snuggling her head against my chest, her eyes closed.

My hand goes to her hair. "Sleep then," I say softly, closing my eyes as well.

˙˙˙

When I wake up again, the space next to me is empty. I stretch up, laying in the bed for a few more minutes before I get up. I hear the music and singing coming from the kitchen and when I look at the clock, I see it's already nine. I wonder when Gabrielle snuck out of the bed.

I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and put my hair back in the normal state. I don't bother with changing out of my pyjama pants and I walk out shirtless.

Gabrielle is dancing around the kitchen, making pancakes. She's singing to a song and it looks like she's having the time of her life. I don't have the heart to interrupt her show, so I just lean against the doorframe, a small smile marking my lips. I really wonder sometimes what I did in life to get so lucky.

When Gabrielle twirls around, pretending the whisk is a microphone and singing her heart out, she sees me and she immediately shuts up, dropping the whisk down. I see her cheeks immediately get red and she starts running a hand through her hair. She clears her throat. "I didn't see you there."

"Don't stop on my part. I could watch you having fun for hours."

She gives me a soft smile, turning back to the stove. She continues humming along with the music, obviously still in a very good mood.

I walk behind her, wrapping my arms around her and leaning my head on her shoulder to tell her how pretty she is. I receive a smile in return. "You skipped classes," I say in an observation.

"They got cancelled, anyway. But I have to be there in ..." She lifts my hand up, looking at the wristwatch I'm always wearing, "45 minutes."

"I'll take you," I say as she drops my hand back down.

"You'll take us both because you're going, too," she says and winks over her shoulder.

"Yeah, I just might."

I step back and sit down at the table. Gabrielle looks at me over the shoulder and catches me looking at the song title she's currently having on. "If you have any wish what you want to listen to, you can go ahead and put it on."

I slowly let my gaze fall on her again, a half-smirk appearing on my face. "Baby, you know I don't listen to no Harry Styles and Justin Bieber. You hate my taste."

She frowns. "I don't hate it, I just ... I have a different taste in music than you do."

Yeah, she doesn't say. She loves all the basic shit that's playing on the radio and she also loves the slow, sad songs. Me? I love metal. My girlfriend listens to Ariana Grande to put herself in a good mood and I listen to Iron Maiden. Our life can be pretty interesting sometimes.

"Play me something. Anything," she says.

I see this as a challenge. I take her phone, searching for the song I want to play her. She finishes the pancakes and puts them on the table with Nutella and strawberries, sitting down.

I see the frown when she hears the first few seconds of the song, although she tries to mask it. She looks at me, her eyes big and wide. "You really enjoy this?" She nods towards the phone.

"I really do," I confirm.

"Huh," is all she says before she takes a pancake off the plate.

I can't hold myself back and I burst out in laughter. Gabrielle just keeps frowning at me, her mouth now full. "Fucking hell, Gabrielle," I say, turning the music off.

"What?" she asks. "I just don't like it. You can't say I didn't try, though."

I grab a pancake for myself.

She turns her head to the side, watching me. It seems like she's waiting on something, gauging my reaction.

"What?"

"Should we talk about what happened yesterday? About the whole pregnancy thing?" She waves her hand around.

I start chewing slower. "What about it?" I ask her slowly when my mouth isn't full anymore.

She shrugs. "Just about what happened, I guess."

"You want a kid?" I can't help but blurt out. Hey, I'm panicking here a little.

"I mean, yes. Don't you?" She puts her hands on the table.

My eyes get big. "I mean ... it's a little soon, no?"

Her eyes widen in response. "Not now! God, no. I meant later, in a few years."

My body visibly relaxes. "Thank fucking Christ, Gabby. I was starting to sweat a little here."

She chuckles and it comes out high-pitched as if she's nervous and thrown off guard a little. "Maybe we should start using more protection," she suggests and takes another pancake off the plate.

Ah, yes. Condoms, as the good doctor suggested. I fucking hate those. "Maybe not always. Maybe like two out of five times?" I say hopefully.

Gabrielle just stares at me and then points a finger at me. "See? This is why we can not have a baby now. I can't take care of two kids."

I just shrug. "No babies right now. I can agree with that. We're still going to negotiate the protection thing, though."

Gabrielle rolls her eyes and I just wink.