Alexander went out to get the tests. He told me to stay here and wait for him, but that's just making me nervous. I don't know what to do with myself. I walk around the living room in circles, thinking back if I could have any signs that I am or aren't pregnant.

I mean, we're protected. I've been on the pill even before he and I got together for safety reasons what almost happened to me years back. He was using condoms with me at first, but then stopped.

And I know the pill doesn't protect me one hundred percent, but this just can not happen. I can't have a baby. Neither of us can have one because we're not ready. We're way too young and we can barely take care of ourselves.

I sit back down on the couch, tapping my foot against the ground. I think back about how I was feeling these past weeks. Tired, but that's kind of normal for me. I did crave a lot of sweets and mixed weird food together, but that's not completely abnormal, either.

I start to bite my nails, but I quickly pull my hand away from my mouth. I haven't felt sick in the mornings, so that's a good sign. I don't even know how far in the signs start showing.

But I've never, ever lost my period before just like that. I always had a regular cycle, even when I was treating myself poorly, didn't eat well and was sad most of the time. I still had it – weak, but it was there.

I want to call Alexander to ask him if he's on his way, but I stop myself. I think about calling Sam because she would probably give me some encouraging words. She would definitely know what to do in a situation like this, but I don't want to bother her with this.

When Alexander finally returns, I'm sitting on the couch, my head resting back and I'm looking up at the ceiling. My head immediately snaps into his direction and I'm on my feet, walking towards him. "Did you get it?"

"Yeah," he says. I see how tight his face is. He's probably scared, too, although he's holding himself together better than I am. "I got the last two tests."

I just nod. I'll have to make an appointment with my gynaecologist tomorrow. I don't know how long I'll have to wait for her to have time and see me.

I check the boxes to see the instructions. Two lines - pregnant. One line - not pregnant. I swallow. I take the tests with me to the bathroom on shaky legs. Alexander waits outside.

I do what I have to do before coming outside. Alexander is sitting on the couch in the living room, having his head in his hands. He looks up when I come out, standing up. It feels like I'm holding my breath until I'm standing in front of him.

"Now we wait," I say, setting the two tests down.

I sit down and Alexander sits with me. I lean my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes and terribly wishing this wasn't my reality right now.

"Are you timing?" Alexander asks me.

"No," I say back.

It said to wait at least three minutes. So we're waiting. I don't know how long. It feels an eternity. But then, it doesn't feel like long enough. "Can you look?" I ask Alexander quietly. I'm too scared to do it. I keep my eyes closed.

I feel him move. And then wait. And then, "What the fuck?"

My eyes snap open and I sit up straighter. "What?" My heart probably fell into my pants already.

Alexander is staring at the two tests, dumbfounded. I look at what he's looking at and my heart stops.

Two lines on one. One line on the other.

"How is that possible?" I say. I take the tests from his hands, giving them a closer look.

I turn them around and then grab the boxes again. "Is it three minutes?"

Alexander rakes a hand through his hair. "Yeah. I think so."

I bite down on my bottom lip. "Well, this was really helpful," I say, feeling down. And even more nervous.

I put the tests back on the table, but Alexander takes one of them, standing up and throwing it against the wall. "Fucking piece of shit!"

I wince at his loud tone and the force he said those words with. Both of his hands go through his hair again. My shoulders start shaking and I can't hold the tears back in anymore. I'm so scared. I don't remember the last time I was so scared in my life. The fear is gripping all my insides into a tight fist and it's making me double-over.

I briefly feel Alexander's arms coming around my body and then he takes me on his lap, pulling me tightly against his chest as I silently cry. I'm panicking.

"Baby," Alexander says with a broken voice, kissing the top of my head. I know he's scared, too. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to be strong just because of me. That it's okay if he shows what he's truly feeling. But I can't. My tongue doesn't seem to work. My mouth just doesn't want to open. "Please don't cry. It's going to be okay."

My eyes open and I stare at nothing in particular, my head resting against his hard chest. "What are we going to do?" I ask so quietly I can barely hear myself.

His arms squeeze me even tighter. "We'll get through it together. Like we always do."

˙˙˙

Classes next day are a living hell for me. I haven't slept well and my mind is preoccupied. I made an appointment with my gynaecologist first thing in the morning, saying I had to see her urgently and she told me to come by today.

Alexander attended all his classes today. Most of them were with me and the others were separate, but he stayed with me. We didn't talk much. I noticed Alexander didn't eat in the morning, but I could hardly hold it against him.

June doesn't show up today and I texted her if she's still recovering from Friday night. Friday seems so long ago now. She hasn't responded, which was weird. We haven't talked since Friday, but she knew I went home with Alexander.

Alexander waits for me when I'm done with my classes. We're going to get something to eat and then he'll take me to my check-up.

I meet Sebastian on the way to the car. I give him a small smile because I can't do more than that today. "Hey, how's it going?" he asks politely, nodding his head at me.

I shrug. "It's going," I say. I don't say anything else, just keep walking.

"Nice seeing you," I hear him say and I can only nod.

"You too," I say.

I walk towards the car. Alexander is leaning against it, smoking a cigarette.

"Hi," I say. I don't kiss him because the cigarette smell makes my stomach uneasy currently. And that makes me even more nervous. I grip the bag straps a little tighter.

Alexander looks over my shoulder. "You're still talking to that guy."

I turn around. Sebastian is almost inside the building now, not even looking our way. I shrug. "He's one of the tutors, so I see him here and there."

Alexander arches his eyebrow at me, but doesn't comment anything about it. There's nothing to say, really. I think Alexander knows that, too. At least I hope so.

I wrap my arms around myself as a slight breeze blows our way. It's getting colder and colder now and we're soon expecting some snow, which I'm so not happy about.

Alexander puts the cigarette out and throws it away. "Let's go inside." He opens the door for me and I slip inside of the warm car, noticing her pre-warmed it already. He knows how easily cold I get.

He gets inside, popping a piece of gum in his mouth before turning the car on and we're on our way. I cast a look towards him and see how clenched his jaw is – an indicator that he's not as relaxed as he wants me to think he is. My heart is beating faster and faster the closer we get to the building.

I was here only a few times when I needed to get a new prescription for the pill and once for a check-up. I thought this kind of check-up would wait for at least a few years.

When we get there, I don't know what to really expect. It happens fast. I answer some questions about my last period and how regular it is and then we do a test. Alexander is right there by my side because I requested him to be with me. I'm so scared I'm shaking. I don't know what I'll do if the test comes out positive. I don't know how I'll tell Rosalyn. She'd surely be so disappointed ...

As we wait for the results, Alexander is quiet. His face is ghostly pale. He looks like he's lost deep in his thoughts, somewhere far away from here. I put my hand over his in comfort and his head turns in my direction, looking at me like he just remembered I'm here, too.

He sighs. "Sorry," he murmurs half-heartedly.

"It's okay." I roll my lips together.

I know he's battling a war inside, but he's not going to share his thoughts and concerns because he doesn't want me to worry even more. That's just how he is and I can't force him to talk, no matter how much I try to assure him that he can tell me anything, especially in moments like this one where we're in this together.

But he holds back because he's trying to be strong and he's just not used to opening up about his feelings. He and Sam are similar in many ways, it seems.

When we're called back, notified that there are results, my heart starts doing somersaults. Alexander squeezes my hand this time, reassuring me. I take a deep, calming breath. I know that it'll be okay. No matter what the results are, it'll be okay as long as we have each other.

Dr Troy gives us both a warm smile. She's a nice woman and I truly like her, but this situation is making me too nervous to appreciate her kindness. We sit down, still holding hands.

"Miss Perth, I know you're nervous about the news, so I will just say that the test came back negative."

My body is still tensed up and I squeeze Alexander's hand tighter. "What does that mean?" I breathe.

"You are not pregnant."

I slump in my chair in relief. "Oh, thank God," I say quietly.

Alexander is sitting still as ever beside me. "You're using protection, but you know the pill is not a hundred percent effective. You'd have to use other forms of protection, such as condoms."

I cast a look at Alexander's face and see he's clenching his jaw. "There's no other way?" he asks.

"I'm afraid not."

The doctor then explains that it's possible I didn't get the period because I'm stressed and she asked me a few more questions. She told me that I have to come back if this continues.

"Thank you for taking me in so quickly, Dr Troy." I stand up, pulling Alexander up, too. It seems like he's still a little shaken up by everything that has happened.

We say our goodbyes and we're on our way out. I exhale out my pent-up tension as soon as I step out of the building, feeling like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders.

Alexander is completely silent on our way back to the flat. "What's on your mind?" I ask him.

He sighs deeply. "My mind is in a complete mess right now, Gabrielle. There are a thousand different things going through it."

"Want to talk about it?" I offer.

He shakes his head. "I wouldn't know where to start. I just need to sort the mess out first."

I nod, understanding how he feels. I get a text from Sam if she can come over now. I'm happy to text her yes because I really need to talk to her.

"Sam's coming over," I tell Alex.

"Now?" he says.

"Yeah." I look at him weirdly.

"I was planning to go for a run."

"Or you're trying to avoid her."

"No, but she's on my ass and I don't want to listen to her bullshit right now."

I raise my eyebrows. "She's on your ass for what?"

"Just all the shit that went down."

"At Islington?"

He nods tightly.

I don't say anything about that because I don't want to think about that again.

When we get to our flat complex, Sam is waiting there for us already. She grins when she sees us, but her smile quickly drops. "Why do you two both look like your cat died?"

"We don't have a cat," Alexander mutters dryly.

"Yeah, clearly. It was a metaphor." Sam rolls her eyes and widens her eyes at me. I just shrug. I don't know what these two had.

"Come on up," I tell her. Alexander goes walks in front of us, twirling keys in his hand. I can feel the mad mood radiating from him, but I ignore it for now.

When we come up, he goes to the bedroom and I go to the kitchen. "Coffee?" I offer to Sam.

"God, yes," she says, sitting down and making herself comfortable. I start making coffee for her and cocoa for me. Alexander comes back quickly, now dressed in sweatpants and a simple black shirt, headphones around his neck. He drinks a glass of water and then turns to me, his eyes searching my face for a moment and I give him a questioning look. He sighs, kissing my temple and murmurs, "Going out for a run. I'll be back soon." I feel his hand softly grazing my hip as if he's trying to calm me down and offer comfort.

And then he's gone.

"Seriously, what's up his ass?" Sam asks.

I turn to her and take a deep breath. "I had a pregnancy scare."

She sits up. "No shit?!"

I rake my hand through my hair. "Yes, but I'm not ..." I shake my head. "You can't tell anyone."

"Jesus, Gabby. I thought you were being safe?" I hear the concern in her voice.

"I am. We are." I shake my head. "It was just a false alarm. But I don't know, he's been moody these days. He told me you were up his ass."

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, because I told him what someone needed to tell him I'm now up his ass."

I cock my head to the side. "Sam, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," she says immediately.

"Did you know about the drugs?"

By the guilty expression that crosses her face, I know what she's going to say. "I found out on Friday at Islington because I was asking him about what the hell Lena's problem was."

I nod, turning away from her. "It seems like everyone knew except me." I can't hide the hurt in my voice.

"Gabby, it's ... I told him that what he's doing isn't cool and he swore that he only took it twice – the day of Zoe's death anniversary at a party and then a few days later. He said he was afraid to tell you because of how you'd react. He felt so guilty, although I told him that hiding shit won't help his case."

And she was right about that. I remember that day and how messed up he came home. And when I saw the lipstick on his collar, I went completely crazy. "What the hell was he doing with coke, then? On Friday?"

"He was going to resell it. Look, Gabby, I don't really know. We had a messy fight because I was nagging him about bringing Lena there, although he said that it's just this once so everyone can hop off his dick already. His words exactly."

Yes, that would be something he'd say. I sit down across Sam with her coffee and my cocoa. "I can't live with secrets between us. If there's no honesty, what is there left to our relationship?"

Sam gives me a sad smile. "Love, I guess."

I look down at my cocoa. "Sometimes, that is not enough."

* 

I'm having an existential crisis and I decided to rewrite A Taste of Sin. Things will change, but I don't know if I'll post the new version of it on wattpad because I don't have the energy for all that, I guess.