We're all products of our past. Our future is determined by how we process it, define it, and how we choose to move forward. I guess a part of me was stuck trying to process the past, and the part that refused to let go tore me in two.

The funny thing was, I could process this information. I knew this, in the back of my mind, and yet I refused to change. I was stagnant in my ways, and I really refused to help myself. I wrote all this in my journal, otherwise known as the notes app on my phone. I wished I could have been different. I wished I could have helped myself, but another part of me didn't want to. I wanted the distraction that the life Carlos promised would bring. I wanted a taste of Lena's world after watching from the sidelines.

I really didn't want to text Dallas. I hated reaching out to others, or admitting weakness, like the fact that I was terrible at chemistry and couldn't even pay attention in class. However, I couldn't afford to fail, so I sat down and opened my computer. As it came to life, I picked my phone up off my wooden desk, tucked into a little corner of my room, and typed in the number he had written down.

Hey, it's Kassie. Do you mind sending me the notes?

I cursed myself and deleted the message? It sounded too straightforward, like I just wanted something and was taking advantage of his kindness. But, in a sense, I kind of was. I had no interest in friendship or bonding with anyone else. Like I previously stated, I tolerated people. I couldn't stand half the people I interacted with anymore, which wasn't many. I had been betrayed and hurt too many times to fall for that again. All I had was Lena, and I felt her slowly slipping away as well.

I signed, glancing around my small room. I had posters on the wall from back when I was sixteen or seventeen of bands I couldn't even remember the members of anymore. The walls were an ugly green, lime green to be exact, that my parents never bothered to repaint when they bought the house. Sun spilled in from the square window above my desk, which was small and made of a dark wood. My bed laid behind the desk, a small single as that was all that could fit. The sheets were a mess, most of them in a pile on the floor. Even a pillow rested on the old brown carpet.

I looked up at the popcorn ceiling before turning back to my phone. It felt like a deadweight in my hands as I slowly typed out a new message.

It's Kassie from chemistry. Can I please see your notes since you kindly offered? Thank you so much.

I sent it before I could regret it. As I was about to place my phone face down so I could get some work done on my seemingly ancient laptop, it buzzed with a text.

Dallas: Hey! I'll send them over right now.

My phone buzzed again and I had about five pictures staring me in the face. They were perfectly handwritten, so much so that his handwriting could have been its own computer font.

Thanks, I texted back.

I put my phone in airplane mode after emailing myself the pictures, set it face down on my desk, and got to work. I couldn't have any distractions, I was already behind on homework. I had been an honors student my whole life, yet I managed to fall behind. Not only that, but I had never struggled so hard in a class before. I groaned, running my fingers through my tangled hair and tugging a bit. I couldn't believe the events of the past few nights. Honestly, a part of me was pretending it was a dream. I guess reality never feels real until it slaps you in the face, cold and harsh, like a big wave on the beach.

I stared at the notes I pulled up, unable to comprehend much on my mind.

Blood, so much blood. I stared down at my body, crimson running down to the sand. Beige covered with red specks. The roaring sound of the ocean behind me. The murmurs surrounding me. The breath leaving my lungs as I shook, tears cascading down my face.

I shook my head to clear it, but instead I felt hot tears streaming down my face.

Lena had texted me the night before, after I agreed to be a part of whatever Carlos had planned.

I'm so excited, this is going to be so much fun! Get ready for the party tonight, and bring a date! Sending the addy tomorrow!

And she had sent it that morning, filling me with more dread than I could have ever imagined before. After all, the last party I had attended ended with someone dead. Someone dead by my hand. A life snuffed out too soon.

Cold, unforgiving eyes. Lena with bruising around hers.

As much as I tried to paint the picture of a villain in my head, I couldn't stop the flashbacks. I ended up wrapping my arms around myself, rocking back and forth, back and forth until I could catch my breath again. But, the thing was, I couldn't. I couldn't breathe, couldn't let air into my lungs. It just wouldn't work. So, I began to sob harder, louder. I slammed my computer shut. I didn't care about chemistry anymore. I didn't care about anything anymore, I just wanted the pain to stop. All I ever wanted was the pain to stop.

"Please," I begged my mom, watching her top off her wine glass. "Please let me go to another school. Everyone is so mean to me, even the teachers."

She shook her head. "No, Kassie. It's a good school. Do you know how much we pay for you to go there?" She slurred her words, setting the glass down so hard that red liquid sloshed around and landed on the white countertop.

I glanced around the kitchen, old and outdated. White everywhere, better than the awful green only in my room. I looked down at the tile, which should have been white but had turned a little yellow with age. "I'm just tired, Mom. Tired of fighting, tired of hurting, tired of being lied to everyday. Everyone I thought was my friend was just mean to me."

"Kassie, you're too sensitive. You've always been too sensitive. Everywhere you've gone, every grade level, it's always something with you. It's always a complaint."

I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I took a deep breath in, deep breath out. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my phone and turned off airplane mode. Surprisingly, I had another text from Dallas.

There's this really good coffee place that just opened on campus. Want to give it a try sometime?

I scoffed. What did he think this was? We weren't friends. But a part of me, a part I had long since buried inside, wanted to be. She wanted friends to talk to, to be loved and accepted. That's all she ever wanted.

I hesitated. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, almost touching but not quite. Then, I began typing and pressed send before I could stop myself.

Sounds good

——-

I found the drinks pretty quickly. It wasn't difficult as half the party seemed to be helping themselves to some good old liquor. I chose a beer, my favorite one that wasn't super bitter but still had a nice salty taste. After I grabbed it out of a random cooler half filled with ice, I tried to find Lena. Of course, she stood in the midst of Carlos and his other friends in the middle of the room. She had always been the center of attention.

"There she is! Kassie!"

Not the voice I expected to be shouting for me over the cheap and poor quality speaker playing some type of rap music. The party actually wasn't that packed, but that might have been because this house was smaller than Carlos's or the one I had been to for the previous party Lena had invited me to. I counted about twenty people, pretty spread out, half in the kitchen and half in the attached garage where the party was meant to be.

I hesitantly made my way over to Carlos, his group, and Lena. Lena walked over to me and gave me a side hug. Carlos held out his hand and I awkwardly shook it, not sure if that was what he wanted or not.

"Hey, there's the daredevil! What do you say to one more dare, huh?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm good, thanks." I had to slightly shout over the music as the song playing had a lot of bass.

He laughed. "That's cute. She thinks she has a choice." He snickered with his friends, save Lena, who actually seemed a bit uncomfortable.

I had become a little numb to the feeling of dread by this point, but it still pooled on my stomach.

I realized that I always had a choice, but this was the one I made. Granted, the other choice sounded way worse in my opinion. Jail time didn't appeal to me.

"I want you to-" the rest of his words got drowned out by a loud knock at the door.

Someone must have opened it, and as soon as the room went dead silent, I knew. I knew that I had no right to be there, underage drinking. The cop stood tall, made his way into the room, started asking questions. Started asking about the alcohol, started asking for I.Ds.

I might have been a coward, but this was my chance. I looked back at Lena, looked around for Carlos. Lena wasn't even looking in my direction. She was closer to the cop's line of sight. I couldn't get arrested for underage drinking. I was sure the cop had backup coming. I headed towards the door. Carlos wasn't going to make me do a damn thing that night. I was going to save myself, one step at a time.

"Hey, no one's allowed to leave!"

I groaned, turning to see the officer walking towards me. The thing was, my self preservation wasn't at its finest. My heart pounded, palms were sweating, pulse could be heard in my ears.

I did the only thing I could think of, the only thing that made sense: I ran. I ran just like I did from all my problems, it seemed.