The next day began with as many snoozed alarms as one can think of. Ten, fifteen, maybe twenty times before I looked at the actual time and pulled myself out of bed. It felt like a normal day.

I got dressed for school as normal. I drove to school, not even bothering to put the radio on. My thoughts were loud enough, echoing inside my skull.

Why did I stab him?

Why did I get involved?

Why did I aim so high?

Why did I agree to Carlos when I'm not even sure I want to be a part of his 'group', whatever that means.

And my favorite: I killed someone yesterday.

Once I arrived on campus, it took forever to find a parking spot. More time to think, to mull over my predicament. More time to cry before I went into chemistry class, which already used to make me cry.

I sat in the back row, where I usually sat. I tried to stay in my own little bubble. I felt protected that way. I felt too nervous to give anyone a second glance, to start a side conversation, or to trust anything anyone ever said to me. So, I just minded my business, attended my classes, and tried to learn.

Class began, and I started typing. I decided typing my notes would be good. Couldn't read my handwriting anyway.

"You know, I don't think that's what we're learning today."

I snapped out of my thoughts, slamming my computer shut. I looked back at Dallas, the annoying classmate who tried to talk to me last time. I guess he did help me in a way, but people made me nervous.

"What are you, a chemistry nerd or something?" I snapped.

He held up his hands in defense. "I was just joking. I don't even know what you were writing, I didn't read it."

I slowly reopened my laptop.

I find myself in a predicament I can't quite explain. I can't quite explain if it's my fault or just the fault of life. I can't decide if everything happens to me or because of me.

"Just because things happen to you, doesn't mean that can't happen because of you. You can make your own choices. Every choice has an outcome, even if it's a small little change. For example, if you take a chemical formula and change the ingredients, you get something different. Pretend each ingredient is a choice, and each choice leads to a different result. Some things can stay the same, but-"

"Okay, is this a chemistry lecture or just a lecture on life, because I don't need either," I snapped. I immediately regretted it, but he just smiled. He was definitely weird.

He pulled something out of his bag. Paper. He scribbled something and then tore the paper, placing the torn half on my desk.

I picked it up, slightly intrigued. A phone number.

"Don't have to use it," he started, "but I'm sorry for reading your screen. However, I think you could use the chemistry help."

My face must have scrunched up into something ugly, because he started talking again.

"Or maybe you don't. But you look pretty lost to me."

I scoffed, but still slipped the paper into my bagz "I'm not lost, it's called selective hearing. I hear what I need to, tune out what I don't know."

"But the thing is, you don't know any of it, do you?"

I stared daggers into his soul.

"I know enough. I don't need your help. And stop being nosy and reading my shit."

"Shhhh!" Came from a girl in the row in front of me.

"You know what, Melissa, is it?" I started, and I knew once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. "You talk to your friends literally every class when the rest of us are trying to learn. And we all know you just watch memes anyway because you play then at full volume half the time."

Her friend next to her, a blonde girl with freckles, opened her mouth.

"And you Hailey,"I laughed. "You like to talk about your on-again-off-again boyfriend so much that I feel like I'm your therapist and I don't even know you."

Hailey glared at me, then stuck me the finger.

Someone else shushed me, and as I turned to insult them, the room went silent.

"I'm sorry, is my lecture interrupting your conversation?" I heard the professor's voice echo throughout the room. It wasn't a big lecture hall by any means, and sound definitely carried.

I sunk down in my chair.

Melissa raised her hand. "Actually Professor, she's bothering me."

Hailey chimed in, "Me too!"

Whispers echoed around the room. My cheeks burned red, and I scrambled to grab my stuff. No sooner was my backpack full that I was running out the door. It wasn't much of a run since I had to make my way down quite a few stairs, dodging people and their belongings left out on the aisle. Nonetheless, I made it outside the classroom. Luckily, no one inhabited the hallway as tears began to make their way down my face.

The door creaked open behind me. I jumped, wiped away my tears. It was Dallas, again.

I thought he would walk past me without comment. Instead, he stopped, studied me quizzically for a moment. He brushed his brown hair away from his eyes, as though he needed a better view of me. I pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose, trying to block his view of my eyes, which were probably red.

"I think they're annoying, too. Text my number, and I'll send you my notes from today. Go take care of yourself."

With that, he walked away. I stared at the ground for a moment more before heading back to my car.
I felt like a piece of me was gonna, like it was supposed to be buried with the dude I killed. The dude whose name I didn't even know. In my mind, he was nameless, and had to remain that way.

He had cold, dark eyes. He hurt Lena. He had to stay a villain in my head. He could not be humanized in my head. If he was, maybe I would feel more remorse. Maybe, anger would give way to sadness, and I couldn't have that. I already couldn't handle the pressure of my feelings before everything that happened. I didn't know what would come next, but I had to be strong to deal with it. I couldn't let life win. I couldn't let the thoughts win. I couldn't let the dead guy win.

I walked back to the parking lot with my headphones in, blaring music as loud as I could tolerate. I decided to go with the opposite approach than my first drive of the day. I decided that I didn't want to feel anymore. It was better that way.

As I got in my car, cranking up the heat, I  received a message from an unknown number. An address.

Meet me. Tonight. Ten pm. -Carlos

And then I cried.