I tolerated people. I guess that was the right word to use. I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be noticed. Yet, I really had trouble connecting with people, trusting them. Maybe that's why I clung so heavily to Lena. I just needed somebody to give me the right boost, the right push, the right shove. I needed Lena to show me how to live her life before I ruined mine doing nothing and being nobody.

The party was hot. Bodies pressed against each other, like there was only a limited amount of space but everyone had to fill it. Since we were on a beach, there was a substantial amount of space, but everyone wanted to be clustered in the middle. Everyone wanted to be part of the action, part of the scene. Part of the life that many American girls dreamed of: the party life, the easy college life, the laid back party-style college.

I couldn't see Lena yet. The sand was soft under my feet, but a piece of wood crunched under my foot and I winced. A bonfire sat to the left of the crowd, a few people drinking beers around it. One brave soul was roasting marshmallows but had to push past a kissing couple to do it. The couple shot them dirty looks.

I felt awkward, to say the least. I knew nobody, no one spared me a second glance, and I really hated being close to too many people at once. I looked around for the alcohol, the only thing that would save the night. Sure enough, someone had set up a tent, and inside was a plastic fold-out table featuring two drink dispensers. One was a bluish liquid, the other pink.

I wandered closer, dodging past all the people clustered together. A few stragglers from the crowd gave me dirty looks, but eventually I stopped  excusing myself and just awkwardly pushed past arms, legs, and trunks to get to the tent. I ducked inside, surprised to find it empty. It smelled strongly of alcohol, but not liquor. It smelt like someone had just doused the room in bleach.

Reaching over to a stack of red solo cups, I helped myself to the pink liquid and downed it in one go. It burned, but it felt good when my stomach warmed up. It tasted sour, and strong. Maybe vodka with some cranberry juice. I hurriedly refilled my cup and headed back outside.

My smart watch buzzed and I looked down. No message from Lena, of course, but rather a random weather notification. Apparently, it was about to start raining in fifteen minutes. I didn't know how my day could get any better.

Sipping on my drink, warmth flooding through my body, I watched as people cheered, danced, kissed, and groped each other. I kept checking my watch, my phone, but no message from Lena. I even called her, texted her.

Where are you? I'm here.
Lena
Lena be so for real right now
She couldn't be bothered to answer me, apparently. I tripped over a foot while staring down at my phone, so I had to do a little hobble and a dance just to regain my balance. I had to go home. I had to get out of there, this wasn't for me. This wasn't me.

Suddenly, shouts rang out amongst the crowd. I tried to make out what was going on, but there was a sea of people. I felt like no matter how long I swam amongst them, I couldn't see anything. I couldn't even see an exit anymore. I just smelt sweat and felt flesh against mine and it made me squirm.

It was the scream that got to me. The scream that could only belong to one person. And that's when I started shoving people aside, not caring. I wasn't skinny and it wasn't easy to squeeze my body through the throng of people, but it became so much easier when you stopped asking for permission (because the answer was no or they ignored you) and just did what needed to be done. So I pushed, shoved, elbowed, and almost clawed my way to the front.

Lena stood in the center. Lena, with a fresh, shiny black eye. Her boy toy from the night before, beside her. A short boy I had never seen before in front of her,  clutching his fist. I looked to the guy- Carmen? Charlie? Charles? Chase? I didn't remember his name, but fury spread through me. Why didn't he stand up for Lena?

I don't know what came over me, and my next actions are a blur of red and anger. I shoved my way forward, while being cursed at. A girl held her leg out to grip me, giggling. Instead of going down, I stepped right on her fibia. She screamed in pain, fell backwards into the crowd. I surged ahead, hearty pounding, palms sweating. This was really a blur.

I can really describe it best from the camera footage I was shown later. Lena, scared, cowering. Chase? Cameron? By her side, arms crossed. Her assailant grabbing hold of her arm, shouting something at the boy whose name started with a C. The other boy wa shouting back, towering over both Lena and the assaulter. Me, hair frizzy and red, fists clenched by my side, towering over the assailant. From the angle, I could just see my back, the back of my striped beach dress, as I yanked something off my neck: my mini knife.

This moment changed everything about my life forever. I just remember my heart pounding, seeing red, my body shaking. My thoughts clouded over, but I remember holding the knife, covering it with my fingers as it fit perfectly into the palm of my hand. I don't remember the assailant turning towards me, or even taking a step towards me. Yet, it was all captured on video. Granted, the quality was poor due to the fact that the sun had just set. I could barely make out my movements, but I remember.

In the video, you could hear, "Hey, leave her alone!" The voice sounded like mine, but I don't remember saying anything.

You could see his shoulders shaking, laughing. At me.

"Kassie, leave it alone!" Lena's voice I don't remember.

And the assailant was getting closer, I didn't move.

"You're her poor little best friend. The one she invited out of pity."

I remembered him saying that much. It didn't bother me  as much as it should have.

"Punch her again and see what happens."

He swung at me, which I vaguely remember. But I'll never forget the sound he made when the knife made contact with flesh. A gurgled scream. The sound of flesh tearing. The feeling of being trapped under a body bleeding out on top of you. My screams.

The video stopped there, so it took a while for my memory to come back. It took a while for me to even feel conscious again. When I did, I remember sitting in the back of Lena's car. She trembled as she held the towel, allowing me to change out of my bloodied clothes.

The neck. I stabbed him in the beck. I had blindly lashed out, and I stabbed him right in the carotid. When I snapped back into reality again, I was clean. I had been scrubbed of blood in the ocean. I sort of remembered the taste of salt water, the feeling of it creeping up my nose. I reached up and felt my hair. Damp.

Carlos, as I learned his name was, stood in front of me. Lena stood behind him.

"So that was my ex, Josh," Lena explained to me. "He's crazy. He was crazy."

"And your new boyfriend is useless," I spit out. "He didn't help you at all."

"Wasn't my place."

"I'll stab you too, you piece of-"

Carlos held his hands up in front of him. "Listen, Kassandra-"

"Not my name."

"Her name is Kassidy," Lena said. She stood out of the way now, an ice pack she somehow acquired held tight in her grasp up to her injured eye.

"Kassidy," Carlos began again. "This never happened. Ever. As a favor to Lena." He looked over at her and blew her a kiss. She giggled, I gagged.

"So what does that mean?" I questioned. I wrapped my arms around myself, not realizing I was shaking.

"It means," he said, drawing out every syllable, "that you were never here. It means every video will either be erased or in my possession. It means that this never happened."

I shook my head. "But it did. And I'm here."

He stared at me for a moment. "Listen, you might be some kind of special, but I'm literally giving you a get out of jail free pass."

I looked at Lena. She awkwardly nodded.

"So what, you won't tell the cops that I stabbed him in self defense. Big whoop."

"I'm sure you police chief daddy wouldn't like to hear-"

"Yeah, I made that up. Loved your expression by the way," I laughed. I couldn't believe that I could laugh in such a situation so I slapped a hand over my mouth.

He looked at Lena. "But you confirmed-"

"Yeah, big shot, listen," I said calmly. I still don't know what overcame me. I felt out of my comfort zone, sure, but I was also on an adrenaline high. I saved Lena. I protected myself. And I could never feel bad for those parts of the incident. "Lena is my best friend. She will always be. Girl code. She will always back me up no matter what. And she might make stupid decisions, but I'll always be there for her. You might be temporary, you might be forever. I don't know. But I'll always be here, watching you. You know what I'm capable of now, so don't fuck with me."

His eyes widened, and he took a step back. I smirked, stood, still on that high. I looked at Lena, and my heart broke for her. She looked so small, defeated. Her long brown hair shielded her face, but I felt like she had tears in her eyes.

"Just because you're Lena's friend, I'm going to pretend like that didn't happen. I'm going to pretend like nothing happened today. That means you're under my protection now. Which means you have to become part of the group."

I looked to Lena, who avoided my gaze. I looked at Carlos, who stared back. I had always wanted to be a part of a group. But did I want to be a part of his group? I had proven to myself that I didn't like big parties or big throngs of people. Maybe I would be happy just having Lena as a friend. Maybe I didn't need to be so called 'popular'.

"Yeah, I'm not really the best person for your group, but thanks for the offer," I stated, looking down at my nails. I gagged. Blood. Blood was still visible from where I had attempted to get his body off of me, only to smear blood around in the process.

"You're not getting it. This isn't a game. This isn't an offer. Either you join, or I turn you into the cops. That won't look very good for nursing school, now would it?"

My stomach twisted. He had a point. But I really didn't like where this was going.

"There's always a choice," I said flatly.

"Not today, there's not."

I stared him down, hoping that maybe he would say something else. Maybe he would say it's okay, it's fine; everything would be okay. Instead, he went mute, hands on his hips as he surveyed the crowd.

"You're lucky it takes EMS so long to get out here. You have the chance to run, Kassidy. So do it. Get in your car, drive far away from here. No one here saw anything. But I will be seeing you later. Or I will have footage released to the press. I don't protect people for fun. I already don't like you."

I scoffed. "The feeling is mutual."

"Well, what's it gonna be?"

I stood, trying to ignore the blood under my nails. The blood that had been all over my skin, my clothes, my hair.

"I guess I'll see you later then."

I went to move, and he grabbed my arm. I swatted him away.

"Get some Clorox. Wipe everything down that you touch. And there's no way out of this. Ever. You're part of our group now, whether you like it or not."

I numbly got in my car right as the sky opened up and graced us with water. It assaulted my eardrums, pounding away at the metal of my vehicle. I had to turn my wipes on high before I could properly see a foot in front of me. Lena didn't even say goodbye. My stomach twisted again, but I tried to push everything out of my mind. I gripped the steering wheel tight, my knuckles turning white.

A knock on my window. I screamed. Lena stood in the rain, wrapped in a neon towel. She waved, and I waved back, easing my vehicle  off the sand and onto the gravel that led back into town.

I drove, rain sprinkling my windshield, radio blasting, the hand on the steering wheel coated in blood.
  
The dead body, fresh in my mind.
  
I rolled down the window, wind and rain slapping me in the face. I smiled. Turned the radio up. Adjusted my glasses on my nose.
   
I didn't regret a thing.
  
Maybe this should've scared me. Maybe I should've been scared of myself, of what I'd become. Maybe the blood should've scared me. Maybe I should've felt remorse for the life that no longer existed. God would've been ashamed of me. My parents would've been ashamed of me. Heck, the old me would've been ashamed.
    
But this girl, this version of me, she felt nothing. Just the bliss of numbness.
   
I pulled in the driveway, sat still. I needed Clorox. I needed a shower. That's what they told me.
   
They also told me there's no way out. Not now, not ever.