It was fall, but not really because this was Texas. The leaves were falling, just turning brown. I sat at a cafe, pumpkin spice latte in hand, staring aimlessly at the textbook in front of me. Chemistry just made no sense to me. The symbols were hard to decipher; who decided Na would be sodium?

       I shivered, pulling my sweater tighter against me. The cold front was blowing through the opened door. I pushed up my glasses, cracked my knuckles, and stared back down at my textbook. My brain just wouldn't process the information. It was like the information was absorbed, then kicked right back out by my brain. With a sign, I picked up my phone and texted the one person I knew would answer.

       Only, they didn't answer.

       I sat in near silence, tears of frustration threatening to spill, before I threw all my belongings in my backpack. I chugged the rest of my latte, the sweet aroma of coffee tempting me to order another. However, I didn't, and braced myself against the high winds outside. I'd never felt so alone.

         The college campus was packed with people. They ran about like ants, each having a task they needed to fulfill. Everyone except for me. I ducked my head, kept it low, and headed back to my car. I just wanted to get away. I just wanted to go home and forget about chemistry. Scratch that, I wanted to forget about college. I wanted to forget about my dreams of getting into nursing school and just quit.

      I got in the car, sat down, put the keys in the engine. All so monotone, everything I've done before. I missed my sanity. I missed the girl who dared to smile, to dared to be someone. Because after high school, I was a ghost walking the halls of my hometown university all alone. I was nothing, no one, and all I had to keep me company were the textbooks piled in my backpack.

      On the way home, after attempting to drive to the sound of today's pop hits, I tried the same person again. The ring tone blared through the speakers of my car, rattling me to the bone. Today was one of the hard days, when the meds didn't work so well and I kind of just felt an empty pit in my chest. Every ring drove the pit deeper and deeper until her generic voicemail greeted me with "Please leave a voicemail for..."

   Tears pricked my eyes behind my glasses. "Why don't you ever answer me?" I asked her voicemail. "Call me back, Lena. Can we get a coffee or something? This stress is driving me insane."

   I ended the call, drove straight home, and went straight to bed. I had no energy to study anymore. I had no energy to exist anymore. I just cried until the tears ran out because the stress hurt. The being alone hurt. And all I wanted was someone to talk to.

•••

   The sound of my phone jolted me out of my sleep. I grabbed it and answered it without thinking, my mind still in a fog from my nap.

   "Hello?"

   The other side of the line was loud. Way too loud. It hurt my ears, and I squeezed my eyes shut before realizing there was no light coming through my blinds. I must've slept into the night.

   "Kassie!" The voice of the other side of the line slurred. "What're you doing tonight?"

   "Sleeping," I answered. "I'm sleeping."

   "No, you're not," my best friend, Lena, replied. "You're going to come to Carlos' party! I'm sending the addy now."

   I opened my eyes just to roll them. "Who is Carlos?

   She giggled. "My guy. My friend. The boy kissing my neck right now."

   "As much as I am pretending to care who Carlos is, I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm sorry." Then again, maybe some alcohol was just what I needed. Maybe I just needed something to take the edge off, even for a little while. I just didn't want to get up, get dressed, pretend like I cared about the people there. Pretend I was pretty and popular like Lena, that people actually liked me. Heck, I didn't even like me. But I did like alcohol.

   "Okay, give me thirty," I yawned, dragging myself out of bed. "But it better be worth it."

    "Oh it will be- Carlos stoppppp. Okay see you soon Kass!"

    The line went dead. I sighed,  picked out a sparkly dress from my closet. I threw my dyed red hair in a ponytail, still completely in the dark. I hardly bothered with the makeup, put on my glasses, and left my room. Down the stairs I went, praying my parents weren't home from work yet. I could make up a stupid excuse. It didn't matter to me anymore. Nothing really did.

    The drive was fairly short. I found myself feeling more and more excited the further I drove, and I arrived in record time. The street was littered with cars, and I parked down the block to make sure nothing happen to my car. Last time, I had to explain a flat tire to my dad. He wasn't pleased.

   I'd be lying if I said I didn't go straight to the punch bowl. It didn't matter what it was mixed with, what mattered was it smelt like vodka or tequila or something strong. What mattered was Lena was sitting up on the kitchen counter, who I assumed to be Carlos having a make out session with her. She winked at me over his shoulder. Her newest toy. I wondered how many days he would last. Granted, he was a good looking dude.

   "Call your friend," Lena shouted over the blaring music.

   Carlos nodded. I looked away, took a swing from my cup. The bittersweet liquid filled my body with warmth. I smiled as I chugged the cup. Carlos stared at me, almost intrigued, as I refilled my cup and leaned back against the counter. Lena nudged him, and he pulled out his phone, pressing it to his ear. She smiled up at him, leaning up against him. He barely even acknowledged her.

    It took a few minutes, but a cute boy with brown hair and eyes appeared in the kitchen. He had similar features to Carlos; they had the same hair and eyes, and both looked to be of Hispanic heritage. I would've said Carlos had darker hair. However, I stopped paying attention to the looks of those around me as I sauntered up to the new boy, forcing myself to have confidence.

    He looked me up and down, smirking to himself. "You Lena's friend?"

    It almost stung that it seemed that's all that anyone ever knew me by: Lena's friend. But I nodded nonetheless, not sure how to best respond. It wasn't my first rodeo, but I'd be damned if I was any good at this sort of thing. I'd just started flirting,  trying to learn how to address the opposite sex. I was no Lena. I wasn't as pretty, as social, or as good at flirting. But I'd be damned if the alcohol didn't help.

   I took another swing. He was so close, I could smell the alcohol already on his breath. Beer. I hated beer.

    The thing about me was I never took the first step. I never made the first move. I was too nervous. I thought about it too much. Luckily, he went straight in for the kiss, backing me up against the counter. I just followed his moves, like I always did when I attempted anything even slightly intimate. His tongue entered my mouth, and I went along with it, both of our tongues clashing. I reached behind me to set my cup on the counter, grabbing hold of the boy whose name I didn't even know and pulling him closer. It was so easy to lose myself in a stranger, and maybe that was because I was a stranger even to myself.

   The make out session felt like it lasted forever before we broke apart, panting. Lena and her new boy were nowhere to be seen. I cursed my best friend in my mind, grabbing my solo cup and refilling it. The boy couldn't wait a minute and started getting handsy again. I gulped down the alcohol, my mind starting to go a little fuzzy. I guessed that the alcohol was more potent than I had predicted.

   We missed some more, because kissing was harmless. Kissing was just for fun. But when he tried to lead me upstairs, I politely declined. He was upset, attempting to take advantage of my intoxication. Even drunk, I wasn't about to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. He huffed and puffed, storming off like a toddler instead of a college aged adult. That was fine. I was used to it by now.

    My head spinning, my once again full cup sloshing, I attempted to find Lena. I wanted to leave now. My head was pounding from drinking a little too much a little too fast, and I really just wanted to lay down. The music was too loud, the sweaty bodies were too close. I just wanted my bed, but I knew I was too drunk to drive. Why didn't I think this through? Maybe because I never did. I wanted to vomit, but I held it in.

   I heard Lena's voice floating down the hallway. I wandered to an empty room, leaned against the wall for balance, and listened. Lena giggled loudly. The door opened, I stumbled back. Carlos looked at me and smiled menacingly (at least, that's how it looked to slightly drunk me). He shouted into the room. "Just a minute babe, I gotta handle something. Then we'll have round two."

   I internally gagged. No, wait, I actually gagged because my stomach was in knots. I should've eaten dinner before chucking liquor.

   The door to the room closed. Carlos was a little too close for my liking. I didn't want Lena's leftovers if that's what he was thinking.

    "So, you like to be a tease, do you?"

   The fuck did he just say?

   "Not to you," I slightly slurred. I tried to get around him but he held me back. "I just wanna talk to Lena."

   "My boy told me you were a tease and leave."

   I laughed. "Tell him not everyone wants to get in his pants as soon as they meet him."

   His eyes went cold, and he backed me up against the wall. I remembered the self defense my dad had told me, ready to strike.

   "Get away from me," I hissed.

    He smiled. "Or what?"

    "My dad's a police chief."

   His face fell, but he tried to mask it. "You're bluffing."

   "Ask Lena, she'll tell you."

   "Listen, no one messes with my crew. We have a set routine here, and I only let you come to my party to make my girl happy."

   I resisted the urge to tell him she usually had several boys wrapped around her finger at the same time.

   "Well, I'm not happy, so I'm leaving. No one likes frat boys with empty heads for anything except sex. Remember that."

   He lifted his hand, and I chucked my drink in his face. He let out a loud yell and stumbled back. My heart was pounding, the adrenaline clearing my head. I ran down the stairs, almost fell, and stumbled out the door. Fresh air greeted me. I hopped in my car, drove a few blocks down until I couldn't see any cars, and reclined my seat back. I closed my eyes, tears leaking down them.

   I would never be like Lena.