Today.... was not good. Things escalated until finally late tonight. My mom and my sister...

I don't think I've ever seen my mom cry this hard.

Sob until it distorted her face.

And my little sister, the gross injustice she has faced today. I was so angry.

Livid.

My dad had just gone to bed so I barged in and asked him to stand. I wanted to hurt him. I slapped him across the face:

"You're a fucking asshole, I fucking hate you."

I hoped I would feel better. It only made me feel worse.

I didn't mean to make it all worse.

Then I started laughing. Almost manically. I went outside and cried and cried until Mom came. Mom cried with me.

I couldn't make my sisters hold the weight of my tears. Even though my sisters say I should come to them, how can I? I am to comfort them; they are my responsibility.

My mom prayed, she comforted me and hugged me as I kneeled on the gravel. She said I didn't need to apologize.

After a while, we went back inside and I went to see my dad. I said I was so sorry. He hugged me and I cried. He probably did too, just not with physical tears.

I asked my mom to talk to my sister, to explain to her and reconnect. I hear them in the next room over right now, talking. My sister is crying. I hope my mom listens. I hope my sister listens.

Then my middle sister... she was out all day.

She was supposed to be here.

She wasn't.

She wasn't here. And I am hurt. She said she would be here...

But maybe she just isn't like my mom and I. But I dread that she'll feel alienated. She's not the oldest; she doesn't know what I know, what I've been told. She's out most days— I hardly talk to her. I hope that's for the best.

I'm still crying as I write this. There's so much.

I'm confused, too. Are we connected, empathetic? Or are we too reactive, too reliant on each other.

I hope it's the first.

5-27-24