Saturday May 22nd, 2021

Dad was gone all day, courtesy of his promotion. Sarah was talking to me when he came home and, mid-sentence, she stopped and ran to greet him.

I immediately resented him for that.

In that moment I saw myself more a parent to Sarah than he is, which is probably true.

Sometimes I'm more of a husband to Mom than he is. I restore her mental health while he breaks it. I'm there to bounce ideas off of while he isn't. I help parent when he doesn't.

For Sarah, I've played with her everyday for months, and now on and off, because it's critical for her development, for her to feel heard, loved, and wanted. Dad, on the other hand, went on a bike ride because Mom told him to.

Many times when Sarah doesn't listen I calmly talk and listen to her, while he would only yell and leave. I've sat with her and talked to her to help her grow - has he ever? And yet she clings to him. Though, I used to do the same.

What do you think I'd be like if I had a dad I looked up to and respected? I can't imagine it.

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Sunday June 8th 2021

I've been trying to sleep for the last hour, but I ended up thinking of dad again, and of mom.

Both of Mom's husbands were emotionally abusive, the first one to further extend I think, but Mom says Dad has really improved, so he must have been horrible.

Physical abuse, you can see the scars. I wonder what Mom's are. I was thinking of how much more positive she must have used to be before them. But maybe she grew in positivity to counter them.

Did I ever write about that time mom was sick? It's kind of like what I wrote a few weeks ago, about Sarah running to go meet dad.

I don't remember all the details, but Mom was sick, bedridden, the whole day, so I was taking care of her. Sitting and talking and making her food and checking on the girls. I, from my own perspective, seem to get very parental and caring when people are sick, so I'm sure I was trying to clean, etc, when I could as well.

Gosh, this must have been 2 years ago. [2019]

It was dark and I was sitting by Mom's bed. I think, yes, we had the lights off. I guess because Mom had a headache. We heard Dad pull up and she got all dependent, wanting him to come see her, which he did not, even though he knew she was sick. She got very sad because of that.

When he finally came into the room, I don't remember him even saying "hi." He walked straight towards the bathroom and Mom started saying how she missed him and wanted him to come say hi. I was just sitting there, trying to stay quiet. Then Dad got annoyed and defensive saying, as always, how much work he has. I went off on him. I have no idea what I said, but I chased him out of the room. I was crying and very angry.

What do I do with this? I've tried to forgive him many times, and I think I do, at those times, but then it comes back, like now.

•

June 25th 2021

I'm sorry, Dad, for all you went through that made you like this. I know you're not happy, and I think you've given up trying to be. I'm so sorry that you were fallen and I'm so sorry that the world broke you more than I think either of us will understand. I'm sorry for your parents and your brothers and your pessimism and for your divorce and your depression and your not thinking you can do it.

I'm glad to hear you laugh while watching TV.

I'm glad you don't know I'm crying and how many times I've cried because of you.

I'm glad you like ice cream and French silk pie and TV. I just like to see you smile. I'm sorry that this is what remains, after 52 years in the world, for you to smile about. I'm sorry you're stressed and angry so much. I wish you weren't.

I don't think I affect you much. I don't think any of us do.

Mom, I'm sorry that your eyes are so wide and your ears so big that I do affect you. I'm sorry I caused you so much worry. I'm sorry that, despite your hope that all is well when I apologize, it's not and I'll be angry again. I wouldn't dare cry in the kitchen if you were here, but I know you won't be home for another hour.

Even if dad walks in, like Sarah did, I can keep my face turned and no one will know.

•

July 4th 2021

Aunt Lucy and I had a very good talk. She said I'm not making up the things about my responsibilities as a spouse/parent in the family. She says she's "witnessed it for many years." She also said she's not at all surprised - she actually thought it would happen, my not liking dad, because of how he was when I was young. Aunt Lucy says he was super bad, worse than ever, before Lina and Sarah were born. She said even at Lina's birth he threw stuff across the room.

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September 29th 2021

Dad and I talked about my future. I didn't cry, even though I was close. But how could I possibly hurt him? Doesn't he already not like himself? Wouldn't me saying how he hurt me, enough for therapy, make it worse?

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Good Friday, 2022

Something happened at mass, or rather not mass, that made me cry, and not for a pious reason.

During the adoration of the Holy Cross, Mom went up first with Dad behind her, I was all the way at the back, though, and I remembered mom would need help kneeling [because of her injury at the time] so I thought, "Dad better help her or she won't be able to kneel." But, no, dad didn't know or didn't remember that Mom needs help, so Mom pulled him up to her, and they kneel together after a split moment of Dad's confusion. I cried.

This reminds me of the time when we were at Dad's work dinner a few months back and Mom went out to the car in a coughing fit. I had to get the keys from Dad, so when I return to mom, she asked, "did Dad ask about me?" I had to tell her no, dad did not ask if you were okay. And I remember, as I wrote at the time, feeling my heart break.

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Friday July 8th 2022

We're at lunch at Greer's. Dad was getting on Mom's driving, and basically on everyone else's driving on the road. When we got here, Sarah held Lina and I back and whispered to us, "this is nice so no one make Dad angry." I wish she didn't have to think about that.

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September 17th 2022

Therapy notes:

- you can understand why your parents acted in this way without excusing it.

- you can forgive your parents action or in action without saying it was okay.

- your parents can be good people without being good parents.

- you can respect your parents as people without respecting them as parents.

There was a question: what's something your parents have said that holds on to you? So I thought, “nah, nothing my dad said sticks with me.” And then I quickly remembered: “stop being so fragile.” I don't know why this one line, this one admonishment, struck me so.

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Tuesday April 2nd 2024
"Star" family retreat

Question: What is your relationship to your family of origin?

Well, with Dad it's really improved for the last maybe 2 years. At first very slowly, then after he apologized last month, the change in my feelings and perception was almost immediate. I still want to compile the things I felt about him over the years, but now it can end on a thankful note.