The swells and curves of the stark white clouds carved a pure canvas against the impossibly blue sky, the grey and damning weather from the previous day completely forgotten and it was as if the world could start anew, but I wasn't like the rest of the sky, able to forget the dark stains splattered against me not even twenty-four hours before.

My back protested against the speed with which I sat up, at first unaware of my location, but soon the memories came flooding back into that cracked mind of mine.

The cold, wooden floor had been my bed for the night, as I hadn't felt the desire to listen to Jenna and her extracurriculars with a fellow classmate who didn't necessarily like me as much as I didn't necessarily like him.

A slumber party with Blythe and Vera, which happened to be more like a pity party, was just what the doctor ordered apparently, as I prodded that ache that had filled my throat with a knot and my eyes with burning tears, but found nothingness there instead.

Numbness, I supposed, was far easier to handle in everyday life than the alternative, a breaking down so far that I could no longer recognize the writhing heartbreak that summoned the blood to flow away from the sinews in that beating thing in my chest.

I didn't even think clawing that damned organ right out of the cavity in my sternum would make a bit of difference, as I'd still be there, lying on the ground in agonizing, blinding numbness.

But it was easier to manage, still, as I blindly dressed myself and performed basic hygiene, forgoing completely any makeup or extra steps that I normally would have put into my appearance.

I didn't cringe in the mirror at the purple circles mottled underneath my eyes, yet another mark from the stains upon which resided inside of me, the tears that fell one after the other wrapped up in the arms of my friends instead of the family that should've been there for me while a good friend of mine laid thousands of miles away clinging onto his life...

And yet when I conjured up pictures of his face, wisps of his voice, I felt nothing.

Perhaps this numbness would come back to get me once I snapped out of it, but for the moment I relished in the absence of the pain and stepped out of the dorm before Blythe or Vera had even stirred from their spot on the makeshift palette on the rough floor.

The chill hit my skin all at once, as the walkway between dorms wasn't insulated, and then the sunlight pierced my consciousness, a reminder that even the things that dimmed to a darkened charcoal hue in the throes of storms and tempestuous clouds would live to shine another day, if only the sentiment could reach me.

I just shielded my eyes from its abrupt brilliancy.

Three steps into the outdoors had me wishing I'd remembered to grab my overcoat in my haste to escape that suffocating room with Jenna, Lachlan peering at me as if I were some kind of science project.

Lachlan.

Even his name sent confused and curious thoughts running down my spine, though I didn't have the time nor energy to sift through the strange mixed signals he'd been sending me in the past days, all at once insulting me, and then coming to my rescue.

I chose to ignore it, it was easier that way anyway.

A quick text message from my mother reminding me of our 'family dinner' at her house later that night rang through my phone and I couldn't find it in me to roll my eyes at the word 'family'.

I didn't have a car yet, even as my eighteenth birthday slowly approached. Only five and a half months until I'd finally have full autonomy over myself and my decisions, somewhat. Until then, I'd be subjected to the whims of my mother and her need to look on the outside like what we had was perfect, something for other families to be envious of even though she was already separated from our father, our 'family' already cleaved apart by something far more sinister than divorce.

I couldn't get far without my parent's pocketbooks, though, and while I hated to admit that, the notion sent a raging purpose through me. I needed to find a way to make my own money, to get out from underneath their thumb.

I didn't want them in my life after I graduated, I didn't want any part of this life that they'd crafted out for me with the skilled precision of a surgeon.

I was in the middle of planning out where to snag my first job when I realized that I'd meandered almost all the way to the edge of the property of the school, the small koi fish pond shining in the hanging sun's effulgence.

Still half frozen despite the illuminating rays of the far away sun, those fish swam below the surface almost in defiance of the crusted water bearing down on top of them.

"They keep the pond fully stocked even in the dead of winter, no matter how many of them die," a rough voice called out over the deafening silence.

I would have startled, had I any semblance of normalcy running through my veins, but instead I stared harder through the foggy glassed over surface down to the white, black and orange fish swimming erratically in the frigid water.

I wondered what they would do if the ice were to suddenly fracture, and they were finally free to bob at the food that they so desperately wished would be thrown on top of their sanctuary.

My eyes finally skidded to a man sitting on the bench adjacent to my position, his right leg crossed over his left at the knee, his uniform tailored perfectly to his body as if custom made for him.

Raking my tired eyes over his face, I realized, it was in fact custom made for him-the son of the owners of the entire school.

I didn't respond to Lachlan as I took a seat opposite of him on that bench, close enough that I had gleaned some of his heat into my own freezing body, seemingly impervious to the numbness that had overtaken my emotions, my senses.

I focused in on the small pond, ignoring whatever instinct inside of me was willing me to turn my head in his direction and take in those mysterious dark eyes, hooded with secrets hidden inside them that I would have normally wanted to peel back layer by layer.

But I was tired. So, so tired.

Ian. Leah.

That numbness started to crack and fray at the edges, but I willed it to keep that mask on, just a little bit longer.

"Seems cruel. Why keep them stocked when not many people would come to a frozen over pond in the first place?"

It was a question easily posed to the one person who had any sway over how the place was run in the first place.

He didn't answer for a while, his eyes poised directly ahead just as mine were, as if contemplating more than a simple koi pond. I supposed I wasn't the only one who came to such a desolate place to do my best thinking, or worst...

"It's all about appearances. My parents wouldn't care if it was negative fifty out here, if there was water in this pond then there would be fish in it."

I knew all too well what someone might do in the name of appearances. I was the walking, talking and breathing example of that.

I didn't respond to him for a while, this strange conversation and stalemate that we'd found ourselves in so different than the usual childish antics, dripping with pretense and falsities, lies and tension.

The chill settled within me, down deep into my bones brittle with the cold that permeated every defense I could have put up against it, but it seeped into me like that numbness that wanted to shrink away in Lachlan's presence but I wouldn't let it leave me yet, its presence like a soothing blanket, though instead of warmth it brought ice and nothingness.

He didn't tell me he was sorry about what had happened, didn't even ask how I was doing or how Ian was, and while normally that would have been construed as rude or tasteless, in my case it was like he had given me some kind of breathing room to not have to constantly think about it, even though that was all I could manage to do. It was nice to not have to say the words aloud. Not yet.

"Appearances. They always say they can be deceiving. I think it's the most put together people that you have to keep your eye on. The ones with no demons, with a spotless record, those are the ones you have to watch out for."

"Like your parents?"

My head snapped to his unfeeling, emotionless face faster than I normally would have, before I knew the truth. Before I uncovered everything in California.

"You were so scared at the party when I confronted you about Holden," he started, his eyes languidly sliding to my own, narrowing slightly as he finally took in my haggard features, be it concern or disgust I didn't know and he didn't elaborate on his look as he continued on.

"You probably don't even remember it. You asked me something, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. You asked me how I 'knew'. I've been going over it over and over again, and I just want to know what it was that you thought I'd stumbled over, something that made you scared enough to back off in an instant, when normally you'd have fought me tooth and nail. So what, pray tell, had you so rattled, Kat?"

I sucked in a breath of greedy air, slowly remembering that conversation with him. He'd been more sober than I thought if he remembered everything from that night so vividly.

I gulped down, that desensitized ache inside of me splitting down the middle and slicing my emotions in two inside of me, one side taking the forefront as the panic floated up through me and landed in my gut.

Those dark eyes were on me, their full force tantalizing an answer out of me and I couldn't even believe it as my mouth started moving to form the words.

"What made you turn on me, after Holden and Sloane? We were friends-ish before, but then suddenly you did a one-eighty and started tormenting me and my friends. And for what?"

I exhaled in relief as the words that had come out of my mouth then weren't the ones that were going to damn me to hell with the truth of those words still stuck in the back of my throat like sticky syrup coated skin.

He rolled his eyes, his legs uncrossing in front of him while he extended his hands out in a semi-stretch, seeming completely unbothered by the situation while I was buzzing from head to toe with barely recoiled panic.

"An answer for an answer?"

"Fine. I go first."

Those dark eyes squinted, and for a split second a mind boggling smile splayed across that face, the sight sending a whole ass swarm of bees nose diving in my stomach as his bright white teeth shone against that slightly tanned face, eyebrows half risen as if waiting for something.

"Well?"

"I already asked my question."

A dark chuckle escaped him and I had to bite down on my bottom lip in order to keep those emotions squashed down, down, down where they could never see the light of day, not again.

"Ever the negotiator. Too bad that's a tale for another day."

I began to make a sound of protest until I realized that the school was swarming with as many students as the bees in my gut and a certain mutual friend of ours was marching over to our secret hiding place which I realized wasn't so secret any longer.

I was about to make another comment at Lachlan as he stood to his full height but suddenly I found the words frozen and my mouth gone dry as the Sahara.
And then he was striding away, those long legs taking all of those answers with him and replacing the words stuck inside of me. Evan appeared, concerned and worrisome over my state.

"Are you okay? Did he say something to you?"

"What? No, it was just...Lachlan being Lachlan I guess. I'm fine."

And I wasn't lying, I was fine. I was completely and wholeheartedly just...fine.

I wasn't good nor bad, just stuck in this underwhelming and unsatisfactory place of in-between, the very epitome of the word 'fine'.

But I was damn sure not okay.

Evan wrapped a cursory arm around my shoulders to steer me back towards the school buildings, promising me that he'd take notes for me in any classes that we shared, and I could only make myself nod in acceptance and thanks as we approached that large friend group, filled with snakes and best friends and mysterious boys who had answers to questions that dangled on the tip of my tongue, a sword hanging over a neck but I was too much of a coward to ask them.

They all stared at me, too careful in their glances and in their assessment of me as if I were breakable. Maybe I was...but they didn't need to know that.

So I turned to Evan before we fully reached them, Jenna and Taylor wrapped up in themselves, Vera and Blythe watching me intently, Lincoln in a sidelong conversation with Sloane and Holden off to the side with all of their watchful eyes on me and finally Lachlan the lone wolf pretending he wasn't paying attention but I knew I had the full grip of the group, and apparently, all of the other students meandering in the hallway trying to catch my eye.

"Walk me to my first class early?"

Evan must've read the trepidation and fear on my features of having to face the entire group so soon after the incident the day before and thankfully he obliged, steering us left before we made contact, all eight of them staring after us in confusion, half contempt, feigned indifference and concern, each person sharing a completely different emotion.

I needed better friends.

Vera, Blythe and Evan were really the only ones who had my back, the jury was still out on Lincoln, but everyone else...I didn't really care about everyone else.

Liar.

Ignoring the voice of reason in my head like I always did, I followed Evan to our first class, Biology, and was thankful that we shared it, along with three other classes including math, English and Psychology, but my luck ran out when lunch rolled around and I followed him to our table in the middle of the cafeteria.

I'd been dodging curious stares all day, the cautious whispering following me wherever I walked and it was one thing to know that I was being talked about behind my back, but as we descended upon our lunch table with our friends, a hush fell upon the table and I only rolled my eyes, noting how the unfeeling stretch inside of me had developed an attitude.

"Hey, you didn't wake us up when you left this morning, are you okay?"

That came from Vera, Blythe watching on in concerned silence. It was as if the entire table was waiting for what I said next.

"I'm fine."

And damn if it wasn't the fact that it was the truth that scared me the most.