pov steve~

Long after everyone headed back to their rooms, I remained in the common area.

I wasn't sure why, but I felt like staying up late tonight. This isn't something I often do, mostly because I like to get up early, but it feels right tonight for some reason. Maybe I needed time alone to think about the goings on of my own day to day life.

I sat near the window, in a one-person armchair facing the glowing city. The sounds were muted by Stark's high-tech windows which was something I loved and hated depending on the hour. Right now, as I watched the cars stream down the roads like water down a stream, I longed to hear them beep and speed... I wanted to open the windows, even though they were the tall kind that couldn't be opened, and smell the city air.

As much as a lot of people hated the night-life of New York City and the never-ending sounds and seemingly disgusting smells, I loved all of it. They were some of the few things that haven't changed since my childhood. Yet, since the sounds and smells remained out there and unreachable at the moment, I watched everything much more intently. The lights were bright as ever and the skyline was magnificent, I knew this was home by the way I smiled at those simple thoughts.

I found my mind drifting back in time, to the same scenery I was experiencing now, only newer and in what felt like black and white. I was a much weaker man, but I was one in love - in love with the one person I couldn't ever be with. Time is enough to prove as much, because we never really did end up together like I hoped we would.

My skin grew warm as I thought about it more, about the way he smiled at me and the way we laughed together. Those memories have stuck with me forever, and it kills me to know that he has no access to them... that he may never fully remember what we had.

Thoughts about him led to thoughts about Sharon, about how I was happy, but not really.

I realized soon after our first date that I wasn't really into her. I knew I was fully into men, as in, I'm 100% gay- could not be gayer. Though, I felt like I needed this to get back into the dating scene. Like going out with her might do me some good and give me a realistic idea as to what I should be in this modern world. Being with Bucky felt like a fever dream now, because Captain America wasn't allowed to be a gay man, that's not what the whole of America would want for their idol.

But when I think about how he'd hold me, my skin tingles. I get warm deep inside and remember how he used to kiss me. How he used to undress me and how we would do stupid things to one another to turn each other on in public because it was funny... because it was hot. Because, really, I wanted him since the second I met him and I wanted him all the time, genuinely every second of every day.

Damn it, I still do.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, trying to throw the image of him and I together from my mind, but to no avail. I wanted that still, and I didn't want Sharon at all, it was Bucky I wanted.

I stood up quickly and threw my face into my hands, taking a deep breath before walking back to my room. I needed to sleep on these feelings and wake up to think about them more tomorrow. I wasn't going to get anywhere now that I was tired. Everything just felt heightened and irrational, almost.

When I quietly opened my door, the lamp in the middle of the room was on.

Bucky, who had been sitting in an armchair facing the windows just as I had been a few minutes ago, turned to look at me. Neither of us said a word, but I watched him as his eyes met my crotch before he looked back out to the city.

Once I knew the coast was clear, I looked down to see that I was very obviously hard and showing through my sweatpants. My face burned red-hot and I realized that it was from all those thoughts about him from all those years ago.

I decided to close the door without a word and ignore the elephant in the room. I took off everything but my underwear and got in bed, taking note that he never once turned around again.

Though, thinking back on it now that my eyes were closed and I was in bed... I caught him blush before he turned around just now. There was something going on there that, I believe, either of us has yet to realize.