pov bucky~

I've watched him, as creepy as that may sound.

It was for his protection, though, so I told myself it was alright. You see, we're going on three years at this point with the whole 'devastating news' thing and it's because I didn't remember him - I still don't - and while I'm working on it as best I can, I don't see anything life-changing happening any time soon.

He needs to move on. It's been too long for him to wait, and that's coming from the person for whom he's waiting.

This morning, I woke up on that very mission: to convince him to let go and get on with it.

Walking into the kitchen at dawn, I knew he'd be in there. We were both always the first of anyone else at Stark Tower to be up and about, but I always avoided the kitchen until someone besides him was in there, too.

Today, I walked right in and started at him like it was nothing.

"Morning," I greeted him, feeling the unnecessary worries wash away.

He turned and looked back at me, surprised. "Buck- morning. You're up early."

"Yea, what can I say," I replied. "I guess I'm just feeling it today."

"Hey, whatever get's you up and at 'em," he came back, making me feel like I had known him for years simply based on the flow of the conversation.

"Oh, hey, did you make coffee yet?" I wondered.

"It's brewing now," he smiled at me. "You want some?"

I smiled back. "Please, I'm half asleep over here."

He chuckled. "Sure thing."

"So..... what've you been up to?" I tried to continue the conversation.

"As in...?"

"Well, we haven't really talked in a while," I commented.

"I guess you're right," he pointed out. "I suppose I've been trying to give you some space to do whatever it is you and Stark have been testing out."

"Mmmm," I disagreed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It seems more like you're giving yourself space instead of me and the experimenting," I answered.

His eyes got wide. "I mean, I guess there's that, too, yea."

"I'm sorry, you know."

"It isn't your fault, you know that," he assured me. "It's just a lot harder for the rest of us to cope."

"From what I gather, 'the rest of us' is just you, Steve," I went full force. "You're the only one left who hasn't moved on."

"That's because I don't want to," he explained. "I have hope that you'll ge-"

"Don't," I stopped him. "Don't hope for anything, please, it only puts more pressure on me and I can't deal with that, Steve. I'm sorry, too, that I don't really believe there is any getting better from this or remembering anything more than I already have, which, by the way, is next to nothing."

"Is that all true?"

"Of course," I said. "I would never lie about that to you."

"And I'm special because...?"

"Because you're the only one who's really given their all in terms of helping me," I clarified. "You're the reason I can have hope for myself even as I ask others not to have such things for me."

He smiled. "As long as you hope, I suppose I don't have to," he stepped down.

"And I want you to move on."

"I can't," he admitted with a sigh.

"You can," I answered. "You just need permission. And, I know I'm not the same man you once knew and it isn't exactly what you might ask for... but this is me saying it's okay, Steve, for you to find someone who will love you as much as you love me."

"And if you're the only one?"

"Then at least you will have tried."