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One of the worst parts of being addicted to drugs – and inevitably getting clean – is the paranoia. It wasn't too bad while I was in the throes of it, but when I started having withdrawals on the streets, it took hold. Mostly, it was about when my next fix was, whether the police would get us, and whether Isaac would throw me to the curb.

When I was detoxing, it was awful. I clearly remember climbing the walls, screaming, nightmares. I would think Isaac was coming for me. I thought August would come in and kill me a few times (stupidly; of course he didn't) and I remember thinking he'd detox me and then throw me back on the street.

There was once, I was convinced there was someone at my window and that it was Isaac coming for me. I think the paranoia of him was also what helped me detox from him and stop me from talking to him while he was in prison. As I started working with August, the paranoia stayed a little. I thought people would find out not just about my past, but about us sleeping together. I thought people would find out who I was and that Isaac would get to them, and make me his through those people.

As I settled in, I realised people didn't have to find out shit. It was a new start. I was clean; I was in a home, and I had friends and people got to know me, not the Avery from the streets. From then, the paranoia calmed, turned to anxiety and eventually settled until I was my new self.

My fake self. There's this new me that is clean Aves, sure, but I'm just a blank slate. I guess that's not true when you look at it properly, but I feel like a blank slate. I have a few interests, and I have a few friendships, but that me isn't one that's acquainted with the whole me.

It's a lot. I'm a mess.

As August and I walk out of the theatre after seeing Wicked, the London streets are busy as fuck, but I know the paranoia is creeping up on me. I hadn't felt it for so many years until the other day when Isaac came back. Even now, it's not been this bad, but somehow, despite it being a busy London afternoon, I know something is going on.

"You okay?" August adjusts his glasses and grabs my hand. For some reason, though, we work and live in London, it feels free today and our hands entwine as if we're allowed to be like this every day.

I nod half-heartedly. "Yeah, yeah, fine."

He leads me down the road, past a few fast food places, until he stops us in front of The Ivy. Somehow, even walking past all the upmarket shops and tourists on a busy Saturday afternoon, nearly evening, I can't seem to shift the feeling of being trailed.

But the moment he leads me into the restaurant, something dissipates around me, and we're transported into this gorgeous restaurant. It's a brasserie with this quaint twenties theme and tons of mirrors, but it feels like an upmarket restaurant. The moment we sit down and I look at the menu, I realise that it is, actually, upmarket.

Five years ago, I wouldn't have been caught dead in a place like this, or even able to look at it. Now I'm sitting in it, still unable to afford this, but somehow being taken to it like I deserve it. I'm also going back to a hotel around the corner that cost him four hundred quid for the night, fit with a free complimentary mini-bar, a sofa by the window and fucking chocolate and champagne on the bed.

I do not deserve this treatment, and I know August rarely spends this much when he stays in hotels for work.

"August, I... cannot afford—"

He scoffs. "Shut up and order what you want. Ignore the numbers, pick what you want."

I narrow my eyes across the table at him. He's sitting on a plush leather chair while I'm on a leather sofa bench thing below a mirror. Now we're inside, he's shed himself of the jacket he was wearing to reveal a grey shirt. Though he looks dressed up, he's pulling off a smart-casual look and I find my eyes wandering every time I get the privilege to watch him.

"Did you just tell me to shut up?" I question.

"Yes, I did. So do as I say and pick what you want."

My eyes roll, but a smile lights up my face. "I hate you but I also love you."

One of those stupid smiles works its way onto his face. He's the cat that got the cream, and to this day I still don't understand why he is the way he is. Despite my past, this man seems to love me and I just cannot comprehend it.

"I love you, too. Still unsure why you're pulled to me, though, after everything."

He scoffs and shakes his head. "You do not want to start me on that list, Aves, because the list of why I love you is long. Very long."

A warm flush of embarrassment works its way through me as the waiter appears. I order the duck curry with a mocktail, while August orders the steak with a beer – after checking with me for the fifth time it's okay. The price of both dishes makes my eyes water, but he did tell me to order anything I wanted. The waiter walks off with our orders, but not before putting a basket of bread with butter, oil and vinegar for us.

"I know this sounds ridiculous, but growing up, even before things with Isaac, I remember my parents would take us out for dinner or whatever, and I would always look for the cheapest item on the menu. Going out was a luxury, you know? We rarely ever did it, only to celebrate something. Literally choosing whatever... it's foreign. Weird."

August smiles while checking his blood sugar. After, he butters a piece of bread. "You're an adult now, and right now, I'm paying, so if you want to order ten mocktails, three puddings and a second dinner, go for it. Though I would question how you could put that much away and laugh."

I giggle and butter a slice of bread for myself before dipping it into the oil and vinegar. "I don't think I'll order quite that much, but I'll keep it in mind."

"What's making you feel uneasy?"

I chew my bread before giving him a questioning look. "What do you mean?"

He shrugs. "I know you. You've been uneasy all day – well, since we got the tube – the only time you weren't was when we were in the theatre. So, what's going on?"

I sigh as the waitress drops off our drinks. When she's gone, I decide to tell him. Open and honest is the best policy, I guess.

"It's probably nothing, but I keep getting this weird feeling we're being followed. I couldn't tell you who, or why, and I don't have any proof, but it's this weird feeling."

August nods and sips his drink. "Then we'll keep watch. Or I will, anyway. Assuming it's to do with Isaac?"

"It's not Isaac. If we're being followed, it'll be someone from the gang. Isaac would make himself known. I can't pinpoint anyone. It's just this feeling. I didn't get it in the theatre. Maybe I'm wrong and being paranoid, I don't know."

"Aves, stop panicking you're wrong. We'll act on your instinct because that's how you feel. You don't have to act self-conscious because there's no evidence."

I groan and sip my drink. "Why do you do that? Make me feel sane in this insane world I'm in. I hate it."

He grins as the food comes out and gets dished up in front of us. He waits till the waitress is gone to answer. "Because you're not insane. The world around you might be, but that doesn't make you insane. Either way, we'll be careful. You won't see me complaining about keeping you in the hotel for longer. In bed is safest—"

"August."

He smirks as he injects insulin and starts eating. I take a second to inhale the scent of the coconut sauce before digging in. It's fucking glorious, aromatic and saucy all in one.

"Before I forget, there's work drinks happening on Tuesday. Sarah's leaving dinner, followed by drinks in a club."

I snort. "Basically everyone getting drunk and calling in sick the next day like last time when Jane left?"

He laughs. "Pretty much. I'll be telling them they can all have a half day on Wednesday."

I arch an eyebrow. "Even me? I don't drink."

"You'll be in bed early... with the boss."

"You're getting bold, Mr Butler. Too bold."

"Admit you like it."

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"I cannot believe you spent four hundred on this for one night," I whisper from the bath. He's in the separate shower on the other side of the room. This entire suite is insane; the bathroom is the size of my lounge and kitchen area with a massive roll-top bath on one end that looks out over the city (through a net curtain) while the walk-in shower is the other end. There's a separate cut-off area for the toilet and two free-standing marble sinks. Reception gave us alcohol-free champagne free of charge after August went down and asked, plus some extra chocolates for the trouble.

He shrugs as he turns the water off and gets out, wrapping a towel around his waist. My whole body heats at the mere look of him; his hair is darker where it's wet and for some reason, he just seems more attractive in this second than before – and fuck me, is this man attractive normally.

"It's one night. Why not?" August shrugs as he stands at the sink. He checks out his stubble.

"Yeah, that's my point. It's one night. Years ago... and to an extent, now, that money is rent, or back then it was part of a hit. It's like... a new TV or my cooker broke and I need a new one kinda money."

He grabs his glasses and puts them on before turning to face me. "If you need a new TV or cooker... you just tell me and I'll help. Fuck, I can have a new one sent to you same day if you need it. If you need five hundred quid, tell me, Aves, and I can sort it. It's the fun thing about working high up in finance... I have money. Except I won't let you spend it on drugs."

I sink in the water a bit more, letting the lavender-scented bubbles take over while I giggle. "Next, you're going to tell me you're embezzling money from your own company to fund my broken appliances."

He smirks. "I'd joke about it, but you can see through my jokes, so there's no point. No, but... I mean, you've seen my payslip working for me, so you know how much I earn. Shit like this I don't do every weekend – this is a treat – but it's the life we can sort of lead. You get the job and not be my assistant, we can be together and do stuff like this. Even now, you don't have to struggle. I'm here."

"Thank you."

"Just don't thank me." He leans down and kisses me. The instant our lips connect, my body sings. For everything I've been through and everything I've done, there's never been a moment like this in my life. I thought my Disney Prince Charming moment was done and gone, dead and buried, but then August came along. Every time I kiss him, my body comes to life – not just sexually.

One day, we'll be able to be together like this in the open. I'll be able to walk down the high street at home with my hand in his, and we can live together, get engaged and married, have kids, whatever. It'll be the happily ever ending I know I probably don't deserve but want so badly.

"I sorted work, by the way." He stands up properly. "Got the next week off. If you or we need longer, I can sort it out. If he keeps turning up, or you feel you're being followed... whatever it is, we can sort something out."

"Like what? I could move to Australia, and he'll probably have someone tailing me out there."

August sighs and runs a hand through his wet hair. "I don't know, Aves. Something. The police?"

I turn to the side, crossing my legs and leaning my chin on the side of the bath. "When I looked into a restraining order, it said they have to have committed a crime against me if I want an order. He hasn't done anything."

"Then we record anything and everything. Videos, voice notes, whatever. He'll do something, Aves. Anyway, is there any harm in contacting the police and saying he's come out and threatened to make you his or wanting revenge? Surely, because you helped put him away, the risk to you is great enough to warrant one?"

I shrug. "Not sure. If I go to the police again about him, he'll find out, August. I'm already walking a fine line."

"Then we move. Change our names legally, move countries, whatever the fuck it takes."

"The best thing I'll ever get is witness protection and technically he hasn't done anything... and who gives that for just a drugs gang? We're in London. Everyone is involved in something dodgy around here."

August laughs and bends down to look me in the eye. "I'm not. Well, not until he came out of prison."

I arch an eyebrow. "We are dodgy together. Forbidden love is dodgy... not legally, but morally definitely wrong."

"And yet it's so fucking worth it."

"Shut up." I kiss him. The citrus body wash the hotel uses hits my nose and makes me want him even more.

"Listen to me. This week, I'll speak to a lawyer I know from work, yeah? Won't name you or anything, just ask for advice. If you want me to."

I nod. "That'd be helpful. Just not my name or Isaac's in case anything gets back."

He salutes. "Yes, ma'am. Promise. We'll work out our options this week and monitor everything. Take this one step at a time, and in the meantime, we act like normal, right? The other job will start taking applications next week, and we have the leaving drinks. Everything is going to be fine, you hear me?"

His eyes shine with optimism, and I can't help but nod in agreement.

"I was thinking it's a shame I don't drink. At the leaving drinks next week, I can't get tipsy enough for you to offer to help me home. A great cover for you taking me back to yours and having your way with me," I joke.

The heat of desire flashes in his eyes. "Trust me, I will find an excuse to help you home. Or I'll just pretend to leave and come home with you instead. But for now, you can get out of this bath so I can have my way with you now."

With nothing more, I get out of the water.

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