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The first time I met Isaac West was when we were both seventeen years old. I was on my way back from sixth form, where I was hitting my head against a brick wall to get good enough grades for med school. He bumped into me as we both turned a corner. At the time, I didn't know, but he was coming off a high and was trying to find somewhere to get food for the munchies.

He was also seventeen and had been kicked out of home and in the crime life already. I laughed with him, shared some chips with him, and got charmed into falling in love with him hook, line and sinker.

Falling for Isaac was a very short and dangerous road where I saw all the red flags waving in front of my face, but seventeen-year-old me thought she knew everything. She ignored every one because at that age, who would even think about it? Avery Wren was an absolute idiot and naïve enough not to think twice as he held my hand and spun me into a world of nice dates and show-homes.

He borrowed money and stayed on his gang-mate's sofa and pretended to be roommates for a while. In the end, they were all in on it to recruit me; a woman in the gang is always a plus when doing shit with drugs and hiding crimes.

Do I think Isaac loved me? Deep down, I think he did somewhat, but the main thing in his mind was the opportunities I would bring. He wouldn't have picked someone he wasn't attracted to or liked – maybe loved – but his mind was more about getting to the top (ironically, where he is now) and he needed me for that. Well, in a world where he didn't end up going to prison.

When I first met August Butler, I was nineteen and though it was only two years later, I was much less naïve and much more desperate. I was withdrawing hard, needing some help in any way he could give me. Preferably a chance, which he did. I had no idea what actual love was at that point, but little did I know it had hit me in the face.

Love is a complex emotion when thinking about it in the romantic term. It seems so simple; you fall in love with someone you find attractive in both looks and personality. As you get older, you realise that it's not just about that. It gets more and more complicated as life gets more real. When you're seventeen and naïve to the world, you ignore the red flags because you don't realise what it means. You think Disney love is everything and real, and then when you wake up, it's simply too late.

That naivety screws everything in your life and ruins it.

Once you run into real love, you don't see that because of the past being screwed up. When it hits you, it's usually because life has fucked you over again and you can't be together.

Despite August and I sleeping together before I signed my job contract, I realised I loved him after I started the job. It was a weird moment when I took him in a coffee just before work started. Working in administration means I technically shouldn't be doing the intern job, but in some weird way, I've turned into both admin and August's unofficial assistant, as he's the boss of the department. I brought him his usual coffee order – a hazelnut latte with an extra coffee shot and a bit of cream despite his diabetes – and the way he looked at me changed something that morning. 

The memories of our night together plus everything he did for me while detoxing, I think, made me see him for who he is; the attractive man who puts himself out for others, kind, funny, easy to get on with, and who saved me. Part of me wondered if I slept with him because I made a survivor bond with him, but that moment confirmed it – I was in love. But he was my boss and sponsor, and I made a vow to myself to find myself after everything with Isaac.

Being my sponsor and boss was already treading murky waters, but there's always a loophole for that. Sleeping with your sponsor, though, fuck no.

"You okay?" August pulls the duvet over me a bit more as I adjust my position. We find a spooning position in my bed. He kisses my shoulder blade.

I nod. "Yeah, it's just... we should not have done this."

We both laugh.

"Yeah, you're right. I mean, I was meant to be meeting Matt for a drink this evening."

I turn to give him a questioning look. "You should—"

"Nope. I mean, I came here for your SOS message, but I messaged him to rearrange it, anyway. Definitely the better idea being here."

"August, we can't—" I stop and change my mind. "We have to be careful for so many reasons."

There's a long pause. My clock beside the bed reads seven-fifteen in the evening and the darkness outside has already taken over, just like the mood when my brain goes to the reason August came here earlier.

Isaac West.

He inhales and sighs after a while. "I can't pretend I'm not scared for you right now. With him being back, I'm afraid he'll be out for revenge after you told the police about him back then so you didn't go to prison or whatever. My brain has already started thinking we change your name, move you in with me, or something. I don't know. But the gang shit scares me, Aves."

I nod. "There's a but in there. I can feel it."

"But you've been out of the shit for five years, and he's been in prison. There'll be shit he has to do, people he has to see. If he puts one foot out of line, he'll be carted back in, leader of this crime ring or not. Shit like putting his hands on you, harassing you, whatever, that will get him done."

I turn around to face him. His glasses are slightly wonky, so I reach out and fix them for him. In return, he smiles ever so slightly. The smell of what we've just done is in the air when the duvet rises ever so slightly. Shame should fill me, but it fuels the horniness again – I want him, every part. The bad, the good, the in between, all of it.

I want to tell him, but this conversation is about the more important thing right now. I swallow the words and find my admission instead. "There's no doubt Isaac knows I dropped him in it with the police and did a deal so they could get him. The thing is, it led him to become the leader of the gang, so I don't know if he'll really hate me as much as he would've, you know?"

August nods in response.

"But I still did it – his girlfriend at the time – and that's a massive betrayal. He also thinks he still loves me. So I don't know. It's not a great place to be in, though. He wants his claim, and he'll come back after earlier." I thread my fingers in his like shoelaces being knotted together under the duvet. "The thing I'm most scared of in all this is if he comes back and I end up relapsing. Not because I want to, because I'm so done with that life, but because he might use it to get me back. The will is there, but we both read the shit about how the will might be strong, but the body can be weak."

He sighs and nods, squeezing my hands. "That's why I'm here, okay? This is why I'm worrying about moving you or getting a restraining order on him or something."

"I don't know, I'm just... he's only been here once. Who knows, you know? He might get the idea and back off. Part of me thinks he'll be after revenge more than me."

"Promise me you won't be afraid of calling the police if he tries something. Anything."

My eyes meet his; green meeting brown. Nature doing its work in bringing us together, right? How it's meant to be.

"I promise," I reply.

He reaches out with his left hand and pushes my hair out of my face. A black strand falls back, so he tucks it behind my ear. "Listen to me, Avery, I know you probably think I'm an idiot for saying it, but I have to."

I know what he's going to say, and my eyes close. He's right. I swallowed my version of this so we didn't have to face this awkwardness. Except maybe this is the time where we both have to just get on with it and admit it, work through it and see what happens. 

Life isn't all about doing what we should, after all. Humans are variables; there are rules and right and wrongs, but we all do shit we shouldn't. It's what sets us apart from animals because life is complex and not just about survival for us. We have souls, wants and needs, likes and dislikes, and emotions.

"Avery, I'm in love with you. I have been for a fucking long time, and I know you feel the same way. For once, it's time for us to be selfish and have what we've both wanted for years now." His hand cups my cheek. It's warm, comforting and everything.

The forbidden words have been in me for years and they finally work their way to the front of my tongue. "I love you – fuck, August, I'm in love with you, too. We shouldn't be doing this, but I can't deny this anymore. It's been too long, and I want this. I want you and us."

The truth is out there, like dandelion seeds of the secret; they've been whispered into the air that's thick with forbidden trysts and kisses. Laid bare and free, they'll settle around us and bloom into something either beautiful and perfect or forbidden and sour. I just hope it's the former.

"There's a but in there, too," he whispers.

My eyes open and I nod. "But we can't. I just... there's two parts of me fighting. My thinking is we... don't put a label on this right now. For the same reasons we can't be together."

"You mean be a couple, but not official?"

"Yeah, like... dating, I guess. It sounds stupid, but I feel like if we put an official label on this relationship, it'll ruin everything. So maybe for a while we just see where it goes with us doing this without a label, you know? Exclusively dating if you want a near label."

He laughs and kisses my lips. "Fine, as long as I can kiss you."

"Away from work, yes," I whisper.

"Then... allow me to take you on our first date, this weekend, to the West End. Turn it into a date, just use the code-word that it's a present from a client, you know?"

I giggle. "A corporate present. Right, we can do that."

August presses a kiss on my forehead. "We just have to be careful. Keep it professional, quiet, you know? You go for the promotion and then we'll be fine."

I nod, my body warming back up at the thought of this finally being a thing. "The forbidden romance, huh? Almost makes it hotter."

He laughs and pulls me into his arms. "I suppose it'll make it sweeter, like we've worked for it, you know?"

"We have for all these years."

"That makes this sweeter and then when we can finally be public, if you know what I mean." He looks into my eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too. August, I don't want you to think I'm not sure about us. It's just... the work thing, the sponsor thing. Isaac."

"Aves, it's fine. I get it. After everything, I honestly get it."

"I'm yours, always. I just want to be extra careful."

He leans up, pressing me to him. My legs open and his hardness is back. I pull back, giggling into his shoulder.

"What's so funny?"

I breathe and position myself to face him. "You're going for round two already?" I giggle again. "Insatiable, Mr Butler."

He groans and presses a sloppy kiss into my neck. My back arches and body moves until his erection is whispering against my opening, which is still slick from earlier.

"Finally having you to myself after so many years and then hearing you say that you're mine... you'll be the death of me, Aves."

In response, I look him in the eyes as I move ever so slightly and push him into me. Our groans tangle in the space between us as we move together until he's buried fully inside me. This definitely won't last as long as the first time, but my body is still humming from our first round, so getting to my climax won't be a problem.

His face buries in my neck. "I love you." The words vibrate against my skin, fuelling my hips to move quicker against him. Within a few more movements, the orgasm builds and my nails dig into his back as I chase the high of another type. My response to his words is a moan as I tremble and quake with my climax. He pulls out as the evidence of my orgasm flows out.

"Avery," he moans my name before pushing himself back in.

"Fuck me," I order.

"Gladly."

I capture all his moans in a kiss as he gets closer to the edge. When he's there, he quickly pulls out. Knowing it'll get him off, I take him in my mouth and let him finish.

"Best happy ending ever."

I lie beside him, laughing. "Shut up."

"I should probably get back home soon; probably shouldn't fuel the shit further in case he comes back."

My eyes close. "You're fine. Stay. I don't think he'd be bold enough to come back straight away. Even if he does, probably best to have a witness, right? You should probably leave before work tomorrow, though. Get a different outfit on for work."

He snorts. "Fair point. I'd be honoured to stay."

I kiss him, the idea of finally being free to do this, even if we still shouldn't, being too much in my mind. We've kept this at bay for so many years, it's like my life is suddenly lighter now we've thrown caution to the wind.

I know there'll be something else, though. Something else will get in the way and stop this. There always is. Now Isaac is on the outside, and the gang under his rule, he'll find a way to get in our way. I know it. That's why I can't bring myself to put a label on us yet, why I don't want to jinx it like a bad curse.

But for this moment, and all the moments like this now where August and I can be how we should be, I need to ignore it and take the moments for what they are: perfect.

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