episode twenty — CAN YOU FEEL THE LIGHT?
the clone wars
tw: mentions of pregnancy

To be a woman is to suffer. To be a man is to succeed. To be a child is to be praised. Lillia Dione Val'eaon could not win. She was not a man, nor a child, she was not a king nor an emperor. She was a Queen who sat silently in her palace, staring at pieces of parchment on her wooden desk as she stared out a window for hours on end. She is not a child, she cannot run through the halls care free and wild. She is not a man, she cannot do as she pleases and remain unmarried in the public view. Once again, she is a woman marked with the sufferings of her own fate. She felt strings tug at her fingers and her heart, she heard her ancestors whispering incoherent messages into her ears as they roam the palace during nightfall. Her fate was creeping up on her, and soon enough, or maybe even seven years from now, it would pounce on her like a predator on prey.

She had not contacted her husband in three days, and he had not even messaged her. The missions were becoming more and more unpredictable, but Lillia's reasons were much different than his were. To Anakin, he simply could not find time to talk to his wife, he was on foreign planets fighting off battalions of battle droids. His mind and body were exhausted, and he would collapse in his cot on the ship as soon as he was able to. For Lillia, she had not dared to message him because of her fears. ( Her fears were turning into restless nightmares, suffocating her harshly, her visions fading as night crept away. ) For the past two nights, she had awoken in complete tears, holding her belly in her hand, even though her child was nothing more than the size of a small seed.

Lillia Val'eaon saw things she was not supposed to see, things that haunted her and made her shiver even in the heat of Valérian. ( She would not win in the game of gods and monsters — no, she could not win. ) She felt like a game board piece being tossed around by the hands of the beings above. Once more, she could not win.

She looks to the light in perseverance, hoping that a hand could touch her shoulder and somehow everything would be alright. Lillia figured that she should be happy that she was finally getting a family, but it worried her, every single thing made her skin crawl and her heart drop in defeat. She thought back to the wails of her mother when Perseus was born. The Princess' handmaidens had tried to distract her, but Soteria's screams could not be contained in any way shape or form. Childbirth was a beautiful experience, but it was terrifying and could be deadly. Lillia's oldest cousin, Idónea, had died while giving birth to her son, who did not make it either.

She remembered the funeral, the way Idónea looked pale in the black casket, and the constant wails of nearby civilians throwing their fresh flowers onto the wagon that carried her cold flesh.  Idónea was always a sweet and kind woman, with her brown locks swaying against her waist ( especially if they weren't in braids, which was extremely rare, ) and her soft blue eyes with her olive skin. She would always bring Lillia a new doll from whatever planet she visited while she could, and even though Lillia could not remember her voice now, sometimes she heard a woman singing an old Valérian lullaby in the distance of the mountains.

Although they passed each other like falling stars in the night sky, Lillia Dione Val'eaon would forever remember Idónea as if she was another sister. "Lils." Perseus burst into her room like a rocket, causing her to jump. "Perseus!" She shouted. "What do you want?" She asked, clearly annoyed. "It's time for dinner." He then found himself occupied with the various trinkets on her dresser. "Hey! Don't touch!" Lillia swatted his hand away and then dragged him out of her room. The siblings continued down the hallway and into the main dining room, where the whole family sat at the table. Lillia's eyes widened, then looked to the decorations hung up around the tall room. "Happy Birthday!" They all shouted in unison.

The days had begun to mesh together, and Lillia Val'eaon had forgotten about her own birthday. It caught the Queen by surprise as she saw her entire family holding presents and smiles on their faces. Her heart skipped a beat. This was exactly what she needed, she needed her family.

The woman fought the tears tickling at her eyes, and she gazed over every beating heart lingering throughout the room. Helaena was there, so was Talia, and even Atlas. The man looked at his sister in law, who was no longer a four year old girl throwing flowers in the aisles of his wedding, but she was twenty, and now almost as tall as him. He walked over to the girl, putting his arm on hers and then pulling her in for a tight hug. "Happy Birthday, Lils." He whispered. "Thank you." She hugged even tighter.

In truth, Atlas was like another father. Even on the days where Lillia felt her world was somehow going to crumble and leave her lifeless on the soil, Atlas would surprise her with all sorts of gifts and adventures. She remembered this one memory, where he took her and Perseus out to the countryside home to feed the swans swimming in the clear waters. It was one of her favorite days with her 'brother.' And it was one she definitely could not forget, even if all the entities in the universe tried.

Although Perseus wasn't too gentle at feeding the swans, and almost had the three of them bitten by their beaks, it was a part of her that lingered softly. "Thank you." She smiled, watching as everyone scrambled to do their own thing and chat amongst themselves. "I will be right back." She whispered to her brother, who nodded and strolled over to their parents. The woman opened the door, walking out and down the hallway to a balcony to get some fresh air. Everything was too much, she could barely breathe, even in the happiest of moments, she found herself being suffocated by time.

"Lillia." A voice had un spun her from her web, causing her to turn around and look toward the door. She looked at the man, who should've been systems away fighting in the war. "Anakin.." She whispered, not moving an inch, not even stepping forward to hug her husband. "W-what are you doing here?" She stammered, holding a hand on her forehead to feel her skin as she suddenly felt burning hot and freezing cold in the matter of seconds. "I could not forget your birthday, my love." He walked closer to her. Lillia was unaware that she had taken a step back until she looked to his face.

"What's wrong?" He asked, reaching out a hand to touch her shivering arm. "Nothing is wrong." The woman shook her head. "You're trembling." Anakin rested his arm on the balcony railing. "I'm just a bit cold." Lillia fought. Anakin knew that she was lying. Lillia was never cold on Valérian, it was the warmest place other than her heart, and Anakin knew her too well. "I have to go back inside now." She whispered, quickly opening the door to leave her husband outside and alone.
⠀⠀⠀.　　　　　　　　　　　　　.　　　ﾟ .　　　　　　　　　　　　　. 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　✦ 　　　　　,　　　　　　　.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀　　　　　　*　　　　　　　　　　　..　　　　　　　　　　　　　. 　　⋆✴︎　   　　　,　　　　　　　　　*　　　　　⠀　　　　⠀　　,⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀.　　　　　 　　⠀　　　⠀.　 　　˚　　　⠀　⠀  　　,

Lillia spent the rest of the night cowering in corners and trying her best to steer clear of Anakin. Nothing could truly scare her more than what she had to say to him. Her skin crawled at the thought of his reaction, of what he could or would say. At some moments, she felt as if she could pass out and fall into a forever sleep right then and there. She knew of his hopes to have a family, but something lingered and worried her. Something like a force, or someone hiding in the shadows of the Republic. "Aunt Lillia!" Verena came running into the room, clutching one of her various dolls in her hand. "Oh! My heart!" She turned, a big smile on her face as she crouched down to hug her niece. Verena latched onto her silken dress, resting her head on her shoulders and smiling. "My mommy said it was your birthday!" The girl chimed, prancing her doll around in the air like a proud mother with a child. "Well yes, she is correct." Lillia giggled, watching the young girl and her imagination.

"Can it be my birthday too?" She asked, an innocent smile on her face. "Of course." Lillia placed her niece down back on the floor and guided her toward the table. Soteria had made her daughter a pastry made out of a traditional Valéri fruit, Lumora, as she did for every birthday of her daughters.

Lumora was a shiny purple and blue fruit, with a smooth surface and sheer inside full of pulp. On the skin, it had tiny swirls of markings that mocked the shape of roots. It tasted sweet with the littlest of tart. Fortunately for Lillia, it only grew during Valérian's twilight season when the skies are incredibly clear and full of stars. It is also used in royal ceremonies, such as coronations or funerals.

Suddenly, the room began to sing a Valérian lullaby ( or celebration of birth song. ) "Dapħos astī e stella mitaxī, sacres interï stoplā, voléid eclemā vetrun Valérian, oroveī okanos aillo. Echori astī pikinos anspelou!" ( In the stars of the galaxy, you have been born, but in the heart of valérian, you are recreated. To the stars, we wish a thousand years more! ) Lillia smiled, glancing among the room as everyone she loved sang for her. "Ready?" She looked to Verena who sat on her lap. The young girl nodded as Lillia pointed to the burning ember on the Lumora pastry. "Make your wish with me!" Lillia spoke, closing her eyes and blowing on the candle. The room erupted in cheers as the small light was now dimmed. She looked to the eyes of Anakin, who stared at her from across the room. Her heart sunk at his face, he looked upset and disappointed. He did not know what he did, but Lillia knew exactly what they had done together, as one.

"Oh my love! You are almost as old as me now!" Soteria rushed over as the cheering stopped, kissing her daughter on the head and engulfing her in a hug. "We also have one gift we'd like to share with you." The mother smiled. Lillia began to oppose, but was quickly shushed as a small animal made its way onto her lap. The Queen looked down in silence, mouth open wide and mind completely blank. "Oh you didn't." She looked up, smiling, jaw almost dropping even further. "It wasn't our idea, you can thank Anakin." Talia grinned, resting her arm on her mother's shoulder.

The small creature was a Nyxari, almost similar to a loth-cat. It was a native species to a nearby planet in the Kratos System, but they had not been seen in hundreds of years. This one was just a small baby, and its black fur was sleek with slight blue undertones. Most Nyxari's had white spots, but this one did not.

Lillia looked over to Anakin, who was now gone and not in his previous place. She looked around the room desperately, trying to find him and confused on how he managed to leave so fast. Everyone had their attention drawn away as Lillia got up for the doors, placing her new pet on the couch and tucking a blanket behind her. The Nyxari purred and snuggled into the blanket, lying down in a crescent shaped position. The woman placed her hand on the cool door handle, quickly opening it and shutting it softly to prevent any others from following her. She looked back and forth between the dark halls, trying to figure out where Anakin had retreated to. She thought back to one night in her bedroom, where they had shared conversations of their future.

Lillia quickly picked up her pace, hurriedly heading toward the corridor and up the stone steps to her bedroom. She looked out of the semi-stained glass for a moment, peering down at the city in the distance. She thought of all the people who had lived there, old and young, happy and sad, living and dead. There were thousands of generations before her, thousands who could've experienced the same thing as her. She quickly brushed it off, climbing the stairs more and more as she reached her room.

She put her hand on the door knob, hesitating to push it open but still doing so quietly. Anakin stood on her balcony, hands resting on the railing as he leaned on it, head down and muscles strained. Lillia closed the door in silence then held her hands together as she did not move a muscle. "Why are you ignoring me?" He asked, breaking the tranquility they agreed to share. "I am not." She replied, watching as he now turned around to face her, but staying on the balcony. His hair was messier than before, and his eyes almost lit in the darkness of her room. The twin moons casted radiance behind his back. "Don't lie to me," He spoke, "please." he begged.

Lillia stared at him carefully. "I am not avoiding you, Anakin." She took a step forward, trying to be careful on his glassy gaze, treading so carefully to not break it. "You will not talk to me, nor look at me, what have I done to make you this way, my love?" Anakin walked forward to put his hands on her waist. "You are trembling once again." Anakin held the small of her back, eyebrows furrowed as he searched her face for an answer. "You know you can tell me anything, Lillia." Anakin stared at her as tears begin to swell in her eyes. Her heart raced, the weight of the secret was too big, too heavy to carry with her all by herself. "I have been feeling strange lately, and I'm unsure how to explain it." She pauses. Anakin put his arm closer to her, trying to comfort her with the littlest touch.

"I'm pregnant." She whispered, eyes glassy in fear and in content. Anakin's eyes opened further, watching as she looked over his face. Lillia quickly looked down, fidgeting with the rings on her fingers. The room fell silent, and suddenly all Lillia heard was her heart beating against her chest, threatening to jump out at any given moment. Anakin was frozen in time, looking down at the floor, and then to his wife. "You're pregnant?" He asked, searching for confirmation. She shook her head yes, body still fluttering with fright. Suddenly, Anakin smiled, looking right into her eyes. He quickly scooped her up, laughing playfully and kissing her face. "I can't believe it!" He touched his forehead with hers, gazing down at her lovingly. Anakin latched his lips onto Lillia's, pulling her closer to him as he kissed her eagerly.

In this moment, Anakin Skywalker realised why he sensed two heartbeats instead of one, and now it was going to be three.

AUTHORS NOTE
umm okay so this took my FOREVER to publish, I apologise for that guys, butttt, ANAKIN KNOWSSSSSSS! I'm so happy and I don't HATE this chapter, if I do end up fixing/rewriting ATF after it's done, then it'll be 100% better but I hope you all enjoy :))