"I'm really worried about Dev. I see him around school and he seems 'better' now, but I see right through it. He looks like he is forcing a smile.

I mean, don't we all, at one point in our lives? But his, it doesn't seem like your usual painted face for the people who you don't want to see the true you. It looks like the kind where you are even trying to convince yourself that you are okay.

When really you are slowly withering inside."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Oh have I?" I reply sarcastically to my therapist.

"That was a stupid question wasn't it?" He tries to lighten the mood.

I look at the clock in the room. I had been since I walked in. "Won't you look at that, times up."

"No, wait..." Before he can finish I stand up and walk out of the door.

Stepping into the lobby, I see my dad waiting for me.

"So how'd it go?"

I stared him down. "How does it ever go?"

"Right."

I get that my dad is trying to help me, but I am honestly fine.

Well...

I will be fine, and I don't need a shrink to help me with that. Since he pays good money for each of those sessions, I actually 'talk out' my emotions. That is until the clock strikes 3:00 pm. Then I shut down. You won't get anything out of me after that. Plus I get to skip a day of school, so hey!

"I was thinking Chinese takeout tonight? What do you thi..." Right then his phone started ringing.

I already knew what it was.

"Hold on honey." He handed my the keys and gestured for me to go to the car.

There goes my takeout. And there goes my dad for the night.

I pull up to the passenger side of the car and open the door to get in.

I sat there, just listening to the sound of my thoughts and stillness in the air.

Which both have the potential to drive me mad.

My dad hops in and says what I have been waiting to hear this whole time.

"I'm gonna have to take a rain check." He doesn't bother to explain, because he know I know why.

"Alright."

"I'll drop you off at home, but I'll have to head back out right after." He continues.

"Okay."

"You know I love you Kris." He adds.

"I love you too papa."

...

I am on my bed, with earbuds in, and blaring loud music. That is where I have been since I got home.

Suddenly and incoming call interrupts my playlist. I look at the caller ID and see 'Deez Nuts' written across the screen. I still have it down as Devon's name from when it was still funny.

"Hello?"

"Hi." he says in a barely whisper.

"What's up? It's been a while. You just went MIA on me."

"Kristen, you remember all of the times when you said that if anything was wrong, to talk to you?"

I quickly shot up from my bed.

"Yes?" I replied cautiously.

"Well something is wrong, it has been for a while. I was too scared to tell you, because I knew even you couldn't help."

"Devon what are you talking about? You're scaring me."

"I am so sorry Kris. I was trying to be strong, like you've always been. But it was never enough."

"Devon hold on right there. I'm coming over. Stay on the line."

"No, no please don't. It's too late you won't find any buses at this time. And I don't want you to be here when it happens." He whispered.

When what happens?

"I'll come anyways."

"Please don't do this Kris."

"I'm coming."

Throughout all off this, I had already grabbed my jacket wallet and keys. I was now in the garage grabbing my bike from its spot in the garage.

"You still there?"

"Yeah I am. But can I just talk to you right here and right now?"

"Please do talk Devon. And don't tell me you're going to do something stupid you'll regret."

"Not going to, did."

I hurried it out and closed the garage door, and started to make my way.

"What the fuck did you do Devon?"

"That isn't the point. I just wanted you to be the last person I talked to."

"Fuck!" I screamed out as I pedaled. I was treating this like I was in the Tour de France. Not as if my life depended on it, but as my best friend's life literally depended on it.

"Devon, you're gonna have to hold for a sec. I have another call." I lied.

"Okay."

I dialed his mother's phone number and waited as it rang. It went to voicemail. I called again, and again until she answered.

"Ms. Andrews?"

"Yes Kris? I'm sorry to say that I am busy right now. Could you call bac..." I cut her off before she could finish.

"Has anything different been going on with Devon?"

"What do you mean?"

"Has he been going through anything, that would lead him to feel isolated, or depressed, or alone, or anything? Because I think he just did something ridiculously idiotic, and..."

I hadn't realized I was practically in sobs as I was pedaling. I was out of breath and tired.

"Go home Ms. Andrews please." I hung up before she had a chance to respond. All manners were out of the window by now.

I dialed Devon back, praying to God that he answers.

"You called my mom. Why did you do that?"

Of course he knows what I just did.

"I had to. I'm not a moron. I know what this means, so you better freaking hold on."

"I don't think I have the upper hand in this anymore." He says so simply.

Throughout this whole conversation, I can hear the calm in his voice. Not a normal calm, but the kind you get from a drug.

"What did you do Devon?" I am fully aware that by now my face is drowning in tears.

"I just couldn't do it anymore I guess."

"Don't you dare give me that basic reply. Talk to me. Please. And don't stop talking."

"Sorry Kristen, I'm gonna have to call you back."

"No, Dev don't hang up on..." The call went dead.

Fuck!

I had not realized I said that out loud until after I said it.

This is one of those moment I wish I had a car.

I attempt calling him back, but all of the calls go strait to voicemail.

This gives me all the more reason to pedal faster.

Legs don't give out on me now.