———

Of all the years in his life, Judge lived in shadows. Every day, he feeds himself darkness as he stands at the back. With pallid body, pale face, wobbly knees and tired eyes, he cried freedom from the shadows as he wished to experience the warmth of light just for once. Gusto niyang umahon. Gusto niyang tumayo. Gusto niyang sumugal ng isang hakbang. Gusto niyang umalis sa dilim.

Malakas ang halakhak ng matandang Argon habang nakatayo sa harapan ng mga kaibigan nito. Hawak ng kaliwang kamay ang champagne glass habang nakaakbay ang kanang braso sa binatang katabi.

"I'm so proud of this young man!" The older laughed heartly. "He top-notched the entrance exam. I got a pretty good feeling of him acing law school in the future. After all, Akello never disappoints!"

"I wish my son was this competent and less of a pain in the ass. Nakakasakit sa puso, Raul."

"I see. He's a fine young man indeed!"

"Kanino pa ba iyan magmamana kung hindi sa ama!"

The old Argon immediately shook his head. "Akello isn't my son. He's my godchild and he's very smart— He's brilliant! I never regret treating him like my own!"

Napabalikwas si Judge nang maramdaman niya ang kamay ng inang marahang hinihimas ang likod niya. Napatingin siya rito at bumungad ang nakangiting mga labi nito.

"Let's eat, darling."

Judge tried.

God knows he tried.

Sinubukan ni Judge na umahon. Umalis mula sa lilim. Humakbang mula sa dilim. Huminga mula sa sakal. Ngunit sa tuwing aamba siyang umalis doon ay may roong pumipigil sa kaniya sa pag-abot ng liwanag.

"You are always a dissapointment!" Malakas na sigaw ng kaniyang ama habang nakayuko siya sa harapan nito.

"When will you ever learn your lesson? Kailan ka magtitino? Can you be more responsible like Akello? Mahirap ba iyon? Can't you do that?"

"Raul!" Saway ng asawa nito. Lumapit ang ina ni Judge sa kaniya at bahagyang tinapik ang balikat niya. "Tama na 'yan. Judge is still young! He will do great someday, in his own ways."

"His own ways?"

Furrowed brows and disgusted eyes, the old Arthur scowled, clearly wasn't convinced with the views he'd heard from his wife. "No! Pursuing music is the same as pursuing shit! Nakita mo ba ang ginawa ng batang ito roon, Mariana? Ni hindi nga magaling kanina. Nakakahiya—"

"Dad!" This time it was Jules— His older sister inserted the conversation. "Please stop that."

Totoo namang nagkalat lamang siya roon. He did shit a while ago. It's all done and there's no point to reason out. But the intense gaze of his father at him on that tiny stage with pang of disappointment vivid on his eyes and the appalling sense of dread creeping inside him, it weren't a great combination. He was so scared to mess up in front his family, especially in front of him... his father— But he was so scared that he indeed messed up.

He literally fucked up even before starting the song.

Nanatiling nakayuko si Judge, hanggang nagsimulang magsalita ulit ang matandang Argon. Masama ang tingin at nagpupuyos sa galit na bumaling ang ama nito sa kaniya. "Tigilan mo ang kahibangan na 'to, Judge! You're not sinking in this low life of yours!"

But he never did.

He continue to love singing.

He thought, through following the notes would lead him to to the right melody.

That for once, he would be free from the shadows.

Finally, he would see the light he desires.

He always wanted to see the light.

Until he saw it.

It was luminous, enchanting, beautiful and it was calling his name— He wanted to touch it. He wanted to feel its warmth against his skin. He badly wanted its bright red color be painted on his pale— colorless body.

"Judge!"

Malakas, nag-alala at aligaga ang boses na iyon habang pinipilit huminga sa usok na nangagaling sa apoy na unti-unting tinutupok ang mga pader. Mas lalong napasinghap ito, nang makita ang anak na nakangiti at dahan-dahang naglalakad patungo sa apoy.

"Judge, anak! Umalis ka na!"

--

Maybe it was ego. It forced him not give up. Pride— it forced him to be strong. And balls— well, he needed to save his balls.

He was driven with those things.

He was driven to prove them wrong.

Mababaw man sa iba, ngunit kumakapit siya sa mga bagay na iyon. Ayaw niyang isuko ang gitara hanggang alam niyang may mga daliri pa siyang kayang tumutogtog sa ibabaw nito. Ayaw niyang ibaba ang mikropono hanggang may mga salita pa siyang kayang bigkasin. Ayaw niyang sumuko. Masiyadong malaki ang isinakripisiyo niya para umatras ng ganoon-ganoon lang.

Luminous light flashed against his eyes as Judge slowly opened it. Standing on the mini stage in front and eyes fixed on him—Finally, he was the limelight. He wasn't the useless boy anymore, who lived in shadows, desperate for the warmth of light nor the despondent boy who stood before others, wondering if would there be time that he could be the center of their attention— He didn't even needs all of it, just a bit. Just lay your eyes on him for a while.

Was that too much?

Although the pub was very messy, Judge found his peace through those dinning noises. The blinding lights as he strum the strings on his guitar, tend to be heavy yet sending mixed emotions in his system. He liked it. Judge liked the attention and all the shit.

He liked it a lot.

Eventhough, it was killing him inside.

"Boo!"

"Umalis ka na riyan!"

"Kanta na ba iyan? Ang panget!"

"You're wasting our time! Trash, get lost!"

Nanginginig ang kamay habang pilit na pinapagalaw ang mga daliri sa ibabaw ng gitara. Maging ang kaniyang boses ay hindi maiwasan na kapusin ng hininga dahil sa kaba. Marahil na rin siguro sa ingay ng mga taong pinapababa siya. Ngunit nanatili siya roon— Ayaw niyang bumaba.

Yes, It was his ego again. He wouldn't lost his chance to prove himself just by those remarks. He'd been through those things but, he got through it. Ngayon pa ba siya susuko?

Sa pagdaan ng ilang minuto, habang palakas ng palakas ang mga ingay sa paligid, mas lalong nanginig ang mga kamay niya. Unang nanginig ang mga iyon bago sinundan ng panglalambot ng mga tuhod. Ipinikit niya ang mga mata pilit pinapakalma ang sarili. Ngunit sa pagbukas niya roon, napaawang ang kaniyang labi.

"You are always a disappointment Judge!"

He was shaking badly until the guitar slipped off from his grip, sliding from his lap, falling flat on the wooded surface. The loud thud echod hard. It intensified when the crowd suddenly went silent, abruptly turning their heads on him and sporting a skeptical look. No it weren't all skeptical, some got pity written all over their visuals, some were even disgusted. But the man in front him with intense green eyes, was making him weak.

"D-dad."

Shaking and uneasy eyes, Judge tried to hid those things with a huge smile, flashing a forced curve on his face and giving off a gloomy laugh. He probably looked like Joker now. A pathetic clown masking his pain with a creepy smile.

"Asshole."

That caught his attention. He snapped back from his reverie. Bumungad sa kaniya ang nakatayong Jung sa harap niya. Nakapamulsa ito habang na sa likod lang si Jon.

"Iyan ba ang pinagmamalaki mo? Pinilit mo kaming kumanta pero wala ka rin pa lang maibubuga," sabi ni Jung. Mas lumapit pa ito sa stage at kinuha ang gitara niya nahulog kanina. "I was right. You are pathetic. You play goofy, umbothered and all but we aren't really far away from each other. You are a piece of shit, like me. The only difference is, you are fake while I'm not. You are a coward while I'm not."

Kumunot ang noo niya habang dahan-dahang tumayo. Nang makalapit siya kay Jung ay lahat ay napasinghap. Hinawakan niya ang kwelyo nito, napaatras pa siya nang maamoy niya ang alak mula kay Jung.

"Ano bang problema mo?"

"What? You want to punch me for enlightening you? What an ungrateful bastard?" Panunudya ni Jung. "Are you pissed? Well, let me pissed you off more. You either know this or you're just too scared to recognise it. But you're a sick pussy! Your fake smiles, fake emotions, fake laugh, you seemed to fool everyone! You're so good— you even fooled yourself."

"Nandito ka ba para manggago?" Sigaw niya. Mas lalong hinigpitan ni Judge ang hawak niya sa kwelyo nito. "Kung ayaw mong kumanta? Hindi kita pinipilit!"

"T-tama na 'yan." Lumapit na si Jon. Bagamat nanginginig ang kamay ay naglakas loob si Jon na hawakan ang balikat ni Jung para pigilan ito.

"P-please people are staring."

Parang walang narinig ang dalawa nang patuloy pa rin sila pagsusukatan ng tingin, kapwa nagtatangis ang bagang habang mabigat ang pagtaas-baba ng balikat. Patuloy sa pananood ang mga tao roon, may sumipol pa at sinabing magsuntokan na sila.

"Ano bang pinagmamalaki mo Judge? You're good for nothing fake ass jerk!"

Judge punched Jung. It hit Jung straight in the face. Napaatras pa ito, mukhang hindi inaasahan ang malakas na pagsuntok mula kay Judge.

"Putangina!" Jung hissed. Abruptly, forced himself to get away from Jon's grip and throw a punch. Judge didn't dodge, he was too conflicted to even think of his reflexes.
He was ready for the punch. As expected, it did come. Jung's fist hit his face. Mirroring Jung's bleeding nose, Judge got up and kicked Jung's stomach.

They were both throwing punches to each other. Both bleeding, beaten and exhausted, Judge remembered giving the last punch to Jung before he saw Jeru and other random men pulling them apart.

After that he passed out.

--

Broken tables, broken chairs, scattered glass despris, messy bar counter and completely wrecked mini stage. And probably a distorted, fucked up face.

Great. Fucking great.

"Tigilan niyo muna iyan."

Napatingin silang lahat kay Lola Millie. Kakapasok lang nito sa RORO habang hawak-hawak sa magkabilang kamay ang ilang mga supot. Agad na tinigil ni Judge ang pagwawalis para tulungan si Lola Millie ngunit nang makitang ibinaba ni Jeru ang hawak nitong mop at tinulungan ang matanda ay tahimik na sumunod lamang siya rito at umupo sa upuan, sa harap lang ay ang mesa.

"Let's have breakfast."

It was food take outs. Inilapag iyon ni Jeru sa mesa habang naging abala si Lola Millie sa paglabas ng mga iyon. Lola Millie bought pancakes, cups of hot coffee and iced coffee. May fried rice din at hotdog.

"Thank you po," Jon whispered shyly while putting syrup in his pancakes.

Nakaupo lang ito sa tapat ni Judge. May nakikita siyang mga galos sa mukha ng binata at ilan sa braso nito. Hindi naman ito malala. Sa kabilang banda, kung saan pinagigitnaan nina Lola Millie at Jon, nakaupo si Jeru. Tahimik na kumakain ito ngunit mapapansin ang pasimpleng pangiwi dahil sa sugat nito sa labi.

"Give me that," Jung said.

It caught Judge's attention. Confused, he slightly craned his neck on his side. Jung's annoying and completely beaten face; huge cut on upper lip and an ugly looking bruise on his left eye, welcomed him. While him, Judge pretty knew he got some fair share of bruises too. His nose bled, probably it's broken.

"What?"

"Akin ang ice coffee."

"No way."

Humigpit ang hawak ni Judge sa ice coffee nang maramdaman ang kamay ni Jung doon. Nagsukatan sila ng tingin, kapwa ayaw bitawan ang ice coffee. Lalo pa't ito na ang kahuli-huling ice coffee sa mesa.

Masama ang tingin ni Jung, "akin na sabi!"

"No!" Pagmamatigas ni Judge.

He's not losing to this bastard, thought Judge. Jung may had punched him last night, made his nose bled and blacked him out, ngayon siguguraduhin niyang makakaganti siya. 

"Bitawan mo na!" Sigaw ni Jung.

"Ayaw ko!"

Kapwa sila napabalikwas nang marinig ang marahas na pagbaba ng mga kubyertos. Naestatuwa silang dalawa nang dahan-dahan ngunit pansin ang mabibigat na hininga ni Jeru habang inilalapag ang ice coffee sa harap nila.

"What?" Bulalas ni Jeru nang hindi nila ginalaw ang ice coffee. Sa halip, kapwa sila tumitig kay Jeru.

"Ang panget mo."

It was Jung. He lazily got the ice coffee, Jeru handed. Napalunok si Judge at umiling. Pasimpleng inapakan ni Judge ang paa ni Jung.

"Ano ba?" Singhap ni Jung.

Judge glared at Jung, through his stares, he was saying Jung to shut the fucked up. Jeru's furrowed and clenched jaw looked like the guy wanted to kill them both on the spot. Mukhang kanina pa nagtitimpi si Jeru sa kanilang dalawa ni Jung.

"Totoo naman. Ang dami niyang pasa ang panget!"

"How about you? You don't have?"

"Well, atleast I look good with all of it," Jung shrugged.

Nakahinga lamang siya ng maluwag nang hindi sila pinansin ni Jeru at nagpatuloy ito sa pagkain.

"See, he agrees. Panget talaga siya," pahabol na pahayag nito.

Lola Millie cleared her throat. Intentionally, getting their attention. When they did, crossing her arms over his chest, the older fixed herself and smiled.

"Wala ba kayong gustong sabihin?"

Napakagat-labi si Judge. Inilibot nila ang tingin sa paligid. Bagamat kakalinis lamang nila ngayon ay makikita kung gaano kagulo ang pub. Maraming sirang upuan at mesa. Nabaklas din ang ilang parte ng stage. After he blacked out last night, he ended up waking up on his bed, inside the locker room. It was good, he was comfy. The only problem was getting up with the bruises. It hurts. But probably the worse part is seeing the person who gave those filthy bruises, lying beside him.

Pagkalabas nila, bumungad sa kanila sina Jeru at Jon na naglilinis at kapwa may mga pasa. Doon nila napagtantong hindi lang basta bangayan ang nangyari kagabi. Mukhang malaking gulo ang naganap. Napaisip pa si Judge kung paano nadawit sina Jeru at Jon, ngunit habang tinitigan niya si Jung na grabe ang pasa sa mukha... Mukhang kinalaban nito ang lahat ng tao sa pub.

"Wala talagang magsasalita?" Tanong ng matanda habang silang apat ay nakayuko lamang.

"Fine." May dinukot si Lola Millie mula sa bulsa niya at inilapag ito sa harap nila. "Iyan ang mga babayaran niyo."

Si Jeru ang kumuha nito. Sa pagkunot lamang ng noo ni Jeru at malutong na mura nito, alam na ni Judge na hindi ito maganda.

"Fifty thousand pesos!" Jung exclaimed, his chinky eyes suddenly widened out of shock.

"Putangina!"

Judge sighed. "Putangina talaga."

"Miss Millie, I only broke this one. Nasagi ko ito noong sinubukan kong pigilan si Jung," mahinang pahayag ni Jon.

"Kasalanan ko pa?" Jung retorted, giving a side way glance to Jon. Napayuko naman si Jon.

"Kasalanan mo talaga. After all you started the fight," Judge said.

"Excuse me? As far as I remembered, you punched me first. I didn't start it."

He glared at Jung. "You provoked me and initiated the fight. Do you still remember that? Naalala mo rin ba ilang upuan ang sinira mo? Iyang stage, sino bang sumira niyan?"

"So this is all my fault? Great—"

"Enough!" Jeru hissed, forcing them to stop arguing to each other. "Nag-aaway pa talaga kayo? You know what? Instead of saying stupid things to each other, both of you should've apologise to Lala."

Kapwa silang napayuko. Ilang sandali ay sunod-sunod silang humingi ng paumanhin sa matanda. Lola Millie was kind enough to smile and shook her head, saying it was okay.

"So hindi na kami magbabayad?" Tanong ni Jung.

"No, the four of you still have to pay, but I don't need money," Lola Millie smiled widely, wrinkling her eyes a bit.

"Sing in RORO. That will be enough."

Judge said no.

They said no.

He remembered declining Lala's offer but, as days past, he found himself inside RORO, holding his guitar and singing. The worse part was, he was with the three assholes again.

"Judge hindi sumasabay ang tunog mo kay Jon," sabi ni Jung habang nakaharap sa kanilang dalawa ni Jon. Jon was sitting before the drum set, while Jeru was just beside him, holding his guitar as well.

"Ulitin natin ang first verse. Hindi talaga kumakapit e."

Tumango si Judge at muling sinimulan ang pagtutog ng gitara. Hindi nagtagal ay sumunod na rin ang drum ni Jon at sinabayan ni Jeru. Jung sang the first verse until it reached the chorus. Judge started singing it.

"Okay na," Jung said. "Ano break? I'm exhausted!"

"No, I think we need to practice more," Jeru replied, eyes still fixed on his electric guitar.

"Come on man! Saturday pa tayo tutogtog. Wednesday pa lang ngayon!"

"Precisely, we need those days to practice, not roam around. We shouldn't disppoint Lala."

Napabuntong hininga si Jung at bumalik sa pwesto nila. "Do you even know how to have fun, Jeru?"

Jeru ignored Jung.

Jung is an asshole, yet when in comes to music he is determined. He puts his full attention in every detail. Even the simpliest one, he stuffed it with effort. Jeru, he was very firm. Kung anong gusto niyang gawin ay nagagawa niya. On the other hand, Jon was very attentive. He listens and plays well.

Napangiti siya.

"Judge!"

Immediately and as quick as possible, Jeru pulled Judge when he noticed a luxurious car speeding, recklessly towards Judge.

"Gago to ah!" Jung scowled.

Bewildered and totally shocked, thanking Jeru for his quick reflexes, Judge looked at the man getting off from the car. Kakatapos lang ng rehearsals nila. They decided to give themselves a treat and ramen sounded really great.

"Akello," Judge whispered as he got the full view of the man.

"Judge, nice to see you."

###

a/n:

hey!
i can't help it. it is really long! please, don't skip anything! finished this while listening taylor's tears recochet!!!!! that's my fav and the 1. super love it.