❝so this is the new year, and i have no resolutions for self assigned penance,
for problems with easy solutions.❞
— death cab for cutie, the new year

♥

"BABY, JUST TAKE IT EASY."

Fuck. I winced.

I couldn't leave my brother alone for a minute. Levi had an affinity for pissing people off with his mere existence, and more often than not, it was women... or their boyfriends. It didn't matter where we were or what time it was. Somehow, Levi always ended up like this.

"Don't tell me to take it easy, Levi!"

I couldn't help but wonder if he'd already found his destiny in this fucked up world. I was beginning to believe that Levi was cursed—or blessed—to spend an eternity as a human ping pong ball between hot women.

Lesbians or not. He wasn't picky.

"Listen, babe," Levi started, swaying slightly. "I didn't—"

"Levi! I fucking heard you!"

Fuuuuck. I winced again. Yeah, and everyone in the fucking city could hear her. Jesus Christ. I was not sober enough to deal with any of this. "Fallon, wh—"

"Check it out," he muttered, jerking his chin in their direction. "That's the bartender."

"Fuck, what did he do to the bartender?"

Fallon shrugged. Yeah. We both knew what the better question was. What didn't he do to the bartender?

I blinked, desperate to steady long enough to check out the three women that were trying to either... claw Levi's eyes out or... rip his clothes off? Aside from the blonde that had kissed him and the olive-skinned bartender that he'd somehow offended in three minutes, there was the random, token redhead that I should've seen coming. It was classic Levi—a diverse cocktail of crazy bitches.

"I saw you," the blonde chick hissed, shoving him against the bar hard enough for glasses to skitter over the edge and shatter by their feet. "I saw you flirting with her!"

Levi caught her wrists. "Yeah, I mean, I wa—"

"You came here with me. Me."

"Actually," Levi drawled with a loose smile, "I came here with my baby brother, Carly."

Shitshitshitshit.

I almost ducked behind the Pac-Man machine. Because despite the veeeeery short amount of time I'd known this Carly, I already knew that I didn't want to fuck with her. Carly was a smokin' hot, blonde bombshell about to explode... and if I didn't get Levi out of here, World War Three was about to break out.

Warily, I snuck a glance at Fallon.

We were outnumbered. Nope. Fuck this.

I did not want to be drafted into World War Three. Levi versus an army of potential lesbians? Call me a fucking deserter, but naaaaaaah.

I'd let them kill him.

"Jesus," Fallon cursed under his breath. Maybe he and I could... sneak out of here... without anyone noticing we'd ever been here. "I didn't think it would happen this quickly, dude."

"It always does," I exhaled, swiping my sweaty palms on my jeans. Okay. This was a bad idea, regardless of the hot stranger still smoking in the backyard, tempting me to turn around and pretend I didn't know Levi. It was time to leave. "Levi, le—"

"You are such a dick," Carly snarled, ripping her wrist free to whip an open palm across his chest. "I can't believe that I thought you were a nice guy!"

I almost laughed. Almost.

"What the fuck?" Levi winced. "Carly, why are you so pissed?"

A sharp crack silenced the entire bar, and fuck, even I felt it. Carly... slapped him.

Oh, man. I couldn't wait to be the best man at their wedding.

"Because I saw you wink at her." Carly pointed at the redhead. "I know you were looking at her." Carly pointed at a wide-eyed girl across the bar before jabbing a finger at the brunette bartender beside her, who, to be fair, was stupidly sexy. "And I heard you flirting with her."

"Actually," she chimed dryly, "he asked if my back door was open tonight."

Abort. Abort. Abort.

Leave everything behind, move to Idaho, start a new life, Levi. I'll miss you. I guess.

Silently, I pleaded with him to surrender, to run, to join the Witness Protection Program, but Levi shook his head with a snicker. "Well, is it?"

And Carly fucking lost it.

RIP Levi Cooper. 1993–2020.

Something feral bubbled up to her lips as she shoved him again, hands flying at full-speed, clenching, knuckles cracking against his chest with every intent to pummel him into the bar. Maybe I couldn't read women, but I could tell that this bitch... was going to kill him.

The End.

But then, just as I thought I'd have to explain to Mom that Levi died in a bar fight, Carly slowed, stepped back, cocked her head to the side and caught his gaze. Fuck. I knew that look.

Levi blinked, eyes widening in some drunken fear. "Nick! Nick!"

No. Fuck no.

"Nick, I think she's got a knife!"

"I wish I did," she said, and then everything happened too quickly.

I took a step, Carly snatched a drink from the bar, Levi ducked, and then there was an explosion—a million shards of glass raining down from the shelves of liquor.

Every. Fucking. Time.

"Levi!"

"Nick, this is..."

Dizzily, I stumbled forward to reach for Levi, only to clip someone's shoulder. A whirlwind of motions blinded me, hair whipping across my cheeks, hands grabbing at my shoulders, shadows spiraling through the hazy light. The bartender spun to pin me with a glare... and my heart hiccuped in fear. "You're his brother?"

"Whoa," Levi drawled, "what the fuck was that, Carly?"

"I hate you!"

"I think I love you."

I inhaled deeply, dragging my attention from the faint conversation and back to the bartender. "Yeah. Unfortunately. I'm his brother."

"Take him and get out," she snapped, gesturing wildly at the door before pointing at each of us—including Carly and the innocent redhead. "You, you, you, you, and you."

"We're j—"

"No. Get the fuck out."

Fallon blinked incredulously. "I didn't even do anything."

"I did enough damage for all of us," Levi snickered, extending his hands in a playful gesture to the glass surrounding him.

"I thought lesbians loved you."

"Fuck off. They do."

Honestly, I didn't think there was a way to make this exit more fucking shameful, but when I strode forward to grab Levi's arm, glass crunched beneath my shoes. Fuck. I shot the bartender a sheepish smile... and she fired back with the type of smile that suggested something violent.

"Okay, we're... uh, we're going to... just... go..."

"Oh, wait, Nick."

"Levi, don't..."

You'd think that after twenty two years of Levi—countless nights like this—I would know better. Levi always had the last word, and in his last ditch effort to prove his irreplaceable title as douchebag of the year, he swiped a drink from the bar, downed it, and then slammed the glass down hard enough to rattle the fucking wood. "This place only serves weak shit anyway."

"Levi." I shook my head, desperately wrenching him to the door before someone slapped him or... shot him. "Let's go before you start 2020 in the back of a cop car."

"Fine. I'll fucking leave," he grumbled, shrugging me off and stumbling, just barely catching himself to push the door open. My shoulders sagged in relief. Finally. Now I could go home. "Carly, let's go!"

Wait, what? Carly? Crazy Carly who just tried to kill him?

"Dude," I hissed. "Seriously?"

"Did you fuck her?"

I almost punched him in the back of the head.

"Levi, I left you alone for five fucking minutes."

"Oh, please," he scoffed, whirling around on the sidewalk to face me. "Nick, you don't need more than five minutes."

My teeth ground together. "Levi, I swe—"

"Levi!"

What. The. Fuck.

I barely had time to be amazed by her stupidity before a tornado of blonde hair and pink fabric blurred past me. Levi smiled, and Carly flung herself at him. "I'm sorry, baby. I know you didn't mean it. I know, I know, I know."

I'm sorry... what?

"Levi, who is this bitch?" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "What is..."

Levi ignored me, or Levi didn't... even hear me. Levi pushed Carly back against the gate beside Ginger's, pinned her, hitched her up onto his hips.

I groaned. "Levi, just let her go before you..."

Oh, and... they were already making out. Before I could even list off a dozen ways that Levi would ruin her life. Great. Carly seemed like a nice enough gir—

"Carly!"

Fuck. Seriously?

Just one more crazy bitch to add to the mix.

Somehow, I knew that 2020 was meant to start with her. It wasn't the gravitational pull I'd felt only moments ago in that smoky backyard; it wasn't the tempting prospect of a promising New Year. There was a bigger factor than fate in this: Levi's innate ability to find crazy in a city of eight million people.

—UGHHHHHHH. Sorry, guys. This one is rough. I'll probably be back to edit it when I don't feel like trash. BUT. We're already over 8K words with this story, so we're crushing ONC so far.

I also would just like to inform you all that the real 'Levi' did ask a bartender if her back door was open... and fuck, that... did not go well. Actually, it went a lot like this. SOMEONE SEND HELP FOR US. I should really stop going out drinking with him. 😅

HONEST OPINIONS: how are you guys feeling about this story so far?? 🥰