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Warning: suicide attempt

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Ezra's P.O.V

It started when Kanan came to me but Chopper was with him. Kanan had a strange mask on and I immediately knew something was wrong with his eyes.

He told me not to worry so we grabbed the holocron. As we tried to escape, Darth Vader started to use the force to grab the holocron from my hand. Luckily, Ahsoka came and distracted him.

The walls were closing in as I got Kanan into the Phantom but Ahsoka was still battling Vader. She told me to go but I wanted to help. She pushed me into the Phantom and the last thing I saw was her and Vader fighting.

Then the walls closed trapping Ahsoka and Vader.

   I gripped the holocron in my hands as I sat next to Kanan with tears burning my eyes. Kanan pulled me into his arms as I hid my face into his shoulder.

We were like this for most of the ride until we arrived back at base. I helped take off his mask and replaced it with bandages. Then helped Kanan out of the Phantom and lead him over to Hera. Hera quick brings Kanan into her arms.

I look over at the rest of the crew then that's when I saw Rex. He gave me a hopeful look but I just returned with a sad look. Rex closed his eyes ask he let the information sink in. Ahsoka was gone and Kanan is blind because of Maul.

But mostly because of me. I trusted the Sith and now all of this mess was of my silly mistakes. I even used Kanan's trust for me and now he's blind. This is all my fault.

Sabine guided me to the Ghost and we went into the cargo bay. I sat on the edge of a crate and she sat on a different one wrapping my injuries.

"Are you okay?" Sabine asked me still wrapping up my arm. Was this a trick question? No way in Lothal was I even close to ok! Yet, I wasn't going to say it cause she is just worried. So I gave a little shrug since I didn't trust my voice. After she was done, I left towards my room with the holocron in my hand.

I set the object on the table. Then took off my boots and sat on my bed with my legs against my chest.

It has been a week since Malachor. During that time, I was more quiet. I went behind Kanan's back and opened the holocron.

I could tell he could sense it but never spoke about it. I guess he never cared or just didn't want to be around me anymore. I wouldn't blame him after everything I've done to him.

Ever since I opened it, the voices of the holocron kept telling me that it was all my fault about what happened on Malachor.

It was the painful truth and there was no way to fix my mistakes unless I became stronger. So I can protect my friends and will not let this ever happen again.

"Ezra..." I heard a familiar voice say outside my door. I've been locked in my room and barely went out unless needed for something that I won't mess up.

"It's Kanan," he added. What was he doing up in the middle of the night?

"Can we please talk?" He asked but I didn't say anything. I heard him sigh and thought he was just going to leave like always. Instead I could feel him sit down and lay against the door.

"I know that you've been blaming yourself," he said, "but none of this was your fault." I huffed and didn't believe him but kept listening.

"It was Ahsoka's choice to stay. You couldn't of done anything to change that. That wasn't your fault." He explained. I crawled over and sat up against the door still listening.

"Maul blinded me. Not you. You didn't know that he would betray us like that cause you never knew him. You gave him a chance to see if he really was a good person and changed his old ways. I'm proud of that," Kanan said and tears started to stream down my face.

"You were blinded to see him for him but that's what Siths do. They blindly lead people into their dark ways but in the end we made it out," he explained.

That's when I finally spoke. "We didn't all make it out," I muttered.

"That was Ahsoka's choice to stay. Our choice was to leave but some of us will disagree on that. Yet, sometimes we have to face it head on or we would never truly be able to let go," Kanan said. I thought over Kanan's words as he left to go back to his own room to sleep.

*couple years later*

I opened the Sith artifact after a small fail on a rescue mission. Not everyone made it out although I never heard that there was an extra that we were rescuing. Now they're dead cause I couldn't protect them.

"I want to become stronger. I will never let my friends get hurt again," I told the holocron.

"As you wish," the holocron spoke.

What am I doing?! I threw the holocron away from me and watched at its red glow faded. I felt weak. Vulnerable. Useless.

The holocron was more helpful than Kanan has been but something was telling me no. Tears streamed down my face.

I tired of life's games.

I just want to die.

I looked over at my new, green lightsaber. It was so tempting that I reached out with shaky hands. I grabbed my lightsaber and held the blade part at my throat.

I gulped but still, I'm to weak to even do this. Realization hit me hard and I threw the lightsaber over to the holocron. The lightsaber turned on and left a scorch mark on the side of the table.

That's when an all to familiar voice speaks and cold hands lay on my shoulders.

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