(After 2 is #1 in Teen Fiction and #3 in Fan Fiction!!! hfdlfhjdskj. Thank you all so much! I love you and I really appreciate every single vote and comment, please please please continue to vote and comment the way you are now! This is amazing. Ilysm!! xo)

I walk to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. What the hell am I going to do?

I am sick to my stomach from all of this. I knew Hardin wasn't a good person before and I knew there were some things that I wouldn't be happy to hear but out of all the things I thought Anne could be referring to, this never ever crossed my mind. He recorded himself having sex with a girl without her knowing and showed it to his friends. Even worse, Hardin's friend showed everyone. Her parents and her church found out, she lost her scholarship and was kicked out of her house. To top it off when she was kicked out and asked to stay with Hardin, he told her no despite the fact that he was the cause of all of her problems. He violated her in a terrible, deplorable way and he didn't even care. He had no remorse for his actions and he still barely does. Unwelcome tears spill down my cheeks and I try to breathe in and out slowly, careful not to choke on my own breath.

The worse part to me is knowing her name. If she was just some anonymous girl I could almost pretend that she didn't exist. Knowing that her name is Natalie opens up too many thoughts. What does she look like? What did she plan to study in college before Hardin took her scholarship from her, does she have any brother's or sister's? Did they know? If Anne wouldn't have brought this up would I have ever known?

How many times did they have sex? Did Hardin like it? Of course he did. I am reminded. It's sex and obviously Hardin was having a lot of it. With other girls, Lots of other girls. Did he stay the night with Natalie after? Why do I feel jealous of Natalie? I should feel sorry for her not envy her for touching Hardin.  I push the sick thought out of my mind and go back to thinking about the type of person Hardin really is.

Can I forgive him for this? The more I think about it I don't have anything to forgive him for, he didn't do it this terrible thing to me. Not this time. I didn't even know him when he taped himself having sex with her. I am disgusted by myself for the jealousy that keeps clawing its way to the surface.

I should have had him stay to talk it out, I always leave or in this case made him leave. The problem is that he clouds my thoughts, his presence washes away every ounce of gumption I hold. I have no constraint when he is involved.

I wish I knew what happened to Natalie after Hardin demolished her life, leaving her with nothing but rubble at her feet. If she is happy now and leading a good life I would feel better, slightly. I wish I had a friend to talk about all of this with, someone to give me advice. Even if I did I wouldn't divulge Hardin's indiscretion, I do not want anyone to know what he has done to these girls. I know how foolish it is to want to protect him when he doesn't deserve it, but I can not help it. I don't want anyone to think any worse of him and mostly I don't want him to think any worse of himself than he already does.

I lay back against the pillows and stare up at the ceiling. I just got over. well was working on getting over Hardin using me to win a bet with his friends and now this? If it was just Natalie maybe it wouldn't be so bad but even after seeing the extent of the damage he had caused to the girl, he did it again with his friend's sister, then played another game with me. This is a cycle with him, this is what he does, will he be able to stop doing it? What would have happened to me if he wouldn't have fallen in love with me?

I know that he loves me, he truly does love me. I know that.

"Do you know how that feels to have someone love you despite all the fucked up shit you do?"

I do love him despite all the mistakes he makes and has made in the past. I do see a change in him since I have met him, even in the last week I have seen a change in him. He has never expressed his feelings about me the way he did today. I just wish that his declaration was announced under different circumstances.

He said that I am his only shot at happiness, I am the only chance that he has to not spend the entirety of his life alone. What a heavy statement. What a true statement. No one will ever love him the way I do, not because he is not worth loving but because no one will know him the way that I do. Did. Still do? I can't decide but I want to believe I know him, the true him. Who he is now is not the person he was just a few months ago.

He has done a lot for me despite the pain he has caused me. He has made a huge effort to be the person I want and need him to be. Half of me thinks that it may be time for me to take some of the blame here, not for what he did to Natalie but for being so hard on him. Granted what he did was wrong, so incredibly wrong but sometimes I expect too much from him. I forget that he is an angry,  lonely man who up until now has never loved anyone. I know he loves his mother but not the same way that people usually love their parents.

The other half of me is tired. Tired of this cycle with Hardin that has been constantly repeating itself. In the beginning of our relationship it was a constant cycle of him being cruel to me then nice, then cruel. Now the cycle has somewhat evolved but it is worse. Much worse. I leave him, then come back, then leave him again. I can not keep doing this, we can not keep doing this. If there is anything else that he is hiding it will break me, I am barely holding myself together now. I can't take any more secrets, any more heartache, any more break ups. I always used to have everything planned, every detail of my life was calculated, over analyzed , until Hardin. He has completely turned my life upside down and mostly in a negative way. That being said he has also made me happier than I have ever been.

We need to be together and try to move past all of the terrible things he has done or I need to end things and keep them that way. If I leave him I need to move away from here, far away. I need to leave behind every reminder of my life with Hardin otherwise I would never be able to move on. The pain that comes from considering leaving him is much worse than the pain he has caused me.

The tears have stopped now as my verdict sets in.

I can't leave him, I know I can't. I know how pathetic that is but there is no way I can be without him. No one will ever make me feel the way he does, no one will ever be him. He is it for me, just the way I am it for him. I shouldn't have had him leave, I needed time to think and I should take more time but I am already wanting him back with me. What is wrong with me? Is love always like this?  Is it always so passionate yet so damn painful? I have no experience or even references to compare to. I can only hope that our relationship will not be like this forever.

I hear the front door open and climb off of the bed, rushing to the living room. I am disappointed to find Anne instead of Hardin. I should have known it would be her, Hardin is giving me time to think. Time that I asked for but now want to give back.

Anne hangs Hardin's keys on the rack and removes her snow covered shoes. I am not sure what to say to her after she told me to leave with my mother.

"Where is Hardin?' She asks me as she walks into the kitchen.

"He left.. for the night." I explain.

"Oh."

"I am sure if you call him he will tell you where he is if you don't want to stay here...with me."

"Tessa, I am sorry for what I said. I don't want you to think I have any ill feelings towards you, I do not. I was just trying to prevent you from what Hardin can do to you. I don't want you to .." I can tell she is searching for the words.

"To end up like Natalie?"

"He told you?"

"Yes."

"Everything?" I hear the doubt in her voice.

"Yes, the tape, the pictures, the scholarship. Everything."

"And you are still here?"

"Yes. I am not going anywhere." I finally decide. We both sit down at the table across from one another.

When she looks at me with wide eyes and I know what she is thinking.

"I know he has done terrible things, deplorable things, but I believe him when he says that he has changed. He isn't that person anymore."

"He is my son and I love him but you really have to think about this. He just did the same thing to you Tessa. I know that he loves you. That is so clear to me now, I am just afraid that the damage has been done."

"It hasn't. Well damage has most certainly been done but it's not irreversible. I can't hold what he did before he knew me against him. If I hold his past against him how will he move forward? I know you probably think I am naïve and foolish to keep forgiving him but I love your son and I can not be without him either."

"I don't think you are either of those things. If anything your forgiveness shows maturity and compassion. My son hates himself, always has and I thought he always would, until you. I was mortified when your mum told me what he did to you and for that I am sorry. I don't know where I went wrong with Hardin, I tried to be the best mother that I could be but it was so hard with his father not being around. I had to work so much and I didn't give him the attention that I should have. If I would have maybe he would have more respect for women." Her voice is full of guilt.

I know that if she hadn't already cried today, she would be crying now.

"I don't believe that he is this way because of you. I think it has a lot to do with his father and the type of friends he has, both of which I am trying to work on. Please do not blame yourself, none of this is your fault." I tell her.

"You are certainly the most kindhearted person I have met in all of my thirty five years."

"Thirty-five?" I arch my brow.

"Hey, just go with it. I can pass for thirty-five right?" She smiles.

"Definitely." I laugh.

I was just crying and on the verge of a breakdown twenty minutes ago and now I am laughing with Anne. The moment I decided to let Hardin's past be his past I felt most of the tension leave my body.

"Does he know how you feel about all of this?" She asks.

"No, I told him I needed time to think so he is staying somewhere else tonight.. but I think I am going to call him soon."

"I think he could use a little time to stir." Anne smiles.

"I guess so." The idea of torturing him further isn't appealing but he could use some time to really think about everything he has done.

"I think he needs to know that there are consequences to the bad choices he makes. I will make dinner then you can put Hardin out of his misery?" She laughs.

I am happy to have her humor to bring me from my sad confusion over Hardin's past and I know that she is right about him needing to know there are consequences. I am willing to move past this, or at least try but he needs to know this is not okay and we still have a lot to talk about. I need to know that he will never d this again and that there are not anymore demons from his past that will railroad me again.

"What would you like to eat?"

"Anything is fine. I can help." I offer but she shakes her head.

"You just relax, as much as you can. You have had a long day with everything from Hardin.. and your mum."

"Yea.. she is difficult."

"Difficult? I was going to use another word but I will keep it to myself since she is your mother." She smiles and opens the refrigerator.

"She's sort of a b..word." I say, not wanting to say bitch in front of Anne.

"She's a bitch, I will say it for you." She laughs and I join in.

Anne makes chicken taco's for dinner and we make small talk about Christmas, the weather, and everything else except what is actually on my mind. Hardin.

"What do you think?" She asks.

"Sorry.. what?"

"I asked how you think tomorrow will go but I can tell you are distracted." She teases.

"Sorry." I take a drink of water. It is literally killing me not to call him and tell him to come home now.

"Do you think he has stirred long enough? it's been almost three hours." I say, not admitting that I have been counting the minutes.

"No, but it's not my choice." She says.

"I have to." I tell her and leave the kitchen to call him.

The surprise in his voice is evident when he answers the phone.

"Tessa?"

"I am done thinking.." I say into the phone.

"Already?" His voice cracks.

"Yes, we still have a lot to talk about but I would like if you could come home so we can talk."

"Yea.. yea of course. I will be there in ten minutes." He rushes the words.

"Okay.." I hang up the phone.

I have ten minutes to go over everything in my mind before he arrives, I need to stand my ground and make sure that he knows what he did is wrong but that I love him anyway.

I pace back and forth across the chilled concrete floor waiting for his arrival. After what seems like an hour, the front door opens and I listen as his boots thud down the small hallway. When he opens the bedroom door my heart breaks for the thousandth time. His eyes are swollen and bloodshot. He doesn't say anything, instead he walks over and places a small object in my hand. Paper?

I look up at him as he closes my fist around the folded up paper.

"Read it before you make up your mind." He requests.

I open  my hand as he places a swift kiss on my temple and leaves the room.

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