dear diary,

they say miracles don't happen. then maybe i wasn't in need of one.

today started awfully, for a change.

i got up and went to get my breakfast. mom was already in the kitchen.

"mom. i don't think i want to be a lawyer anymore."

as soon as she turned around i knew i should have been quiet.

"what did you just say, daniel?" she snapped.

you know how she is. she is one of the bestest lawyers in the city. and I am an only child so she wants me to keep her legacy.

"i just-"

"you nothing, boy. lawyer it is."

and that was it. no more conversation.

i didn't even eat. it's not fair i don't get to do what i want to. what do i even want?

as i walked to college i found those guys again. i don't know if i can do this anymore.  i don't know how much more bruises i can hide before breaking. 

they called me 'fat', 'ugly', 'useless', 'fag', they told me i deserve to die. i don't know why they keep telling me what i already know. how much more can i take?

the worst is that they're right. i deserve this.

anyway, when i was getting out of college, after a tremendously boring day, i had to walk for another road, because the way i usually take to go home has some construction going on.

and guess who i ran into? phil's mum.

needless to say that i was having an existential crisis about whether all of this is worth it or not and i'm pretty sensitive and i got so scared and anxious when i bumped into her because i thought  my mom would be with her that i got a lump in my throat and i seriously thought i was about to burst into tears. god, i'm so ridiculous.

she greeted me happily and pulled me into a hug.

my mother only greets people with a handshake.

she said phil was in the cafe just around the corner waiting for her and that she was sure that he would be pleased to see me.

i was in an unstable state emotionally at the moment and that's probably why i couldn't say no even though i knew mom would get mad for me to be hanging with her friends. she's so embarassed of me. i know that for sure.

when phil saw his mom arriving at the table with me he smiled. but not a normal smile. he had a huge grin on. i've never seen someone smiling like that because of me arriving. but he could just be happy to see his mom, i don't know anything for sure.

and then his mother left, leaving us both alone.

i was so nervous, i think i'm still nervous. i lack social abilities and i was sure that i was going to embarass myself right away.

but then he said something that i don't think someone has ever said to me.

"dan, you look so exhausted. is everything okay? you can tell me if it's not. it's just that you look better smiling. but of course you're still beautiful this way."

and just like that, totally unconsciously, i smiled. i smiled for the first time in weeks.

i smiled because for once, someone showed that they care. and also he flattered me. 

i was so embarassed because i think i blushed. but he made me smile.

phil lester made me smile.

and if that's not a miracle i don't know what is.

-daniel.