dear diary,

you're not going to believe what happened. i still don't.

i have read so many books. i have seen so many movies. i have read so many fanfiction, that's all i keep my life doing. yet, i don't know what love is. it's kinda stupid if you think about it, since i watch all types of fiction so much. and all of them revolve around love.

i think i should be worried since we live in a world where we're all balloons full of feelings in a world full of pins. in a world where every fucking living thing depends on love. at least that's what i read in books and watched in movies. jesus, that's what i thought.

phil texted me yesterday saying i should go out with him.

of course i totally panicked.

how could he want to go out with me?

"we're going to the lights festival, you've heard of it right?"

you know how much i love the lights festival, the one with the colorful fairy lights all over the trees so the night sky just turns the color of the lights. it's so magical.

i tried to act chill about it but i think he noticed how excited i was.

we met at the park. mom didn't want to drive me so i just went by foot. it's okay because it was totally worth it.

i spent the whole way wondering how i should behave. i was pretty sure that i was gonna say something really awkward and then he would make fun of me because i'm boring.

i know that's not who phil is. but all my life that's what has been happening.

unlike what i had planned phil was super nice. he is so caring. he's so funny. and damn, he's so hot. I don't really care about what people say anymore.

"red means passion, did you know that?" phil asked softly in my ear, later, while we were walking in the part of the park that has red lights on the trees.

i must have blushed. he found it funny.

at first, i thought he was making fun of me.

and then he was about to grab my arm and i flinched. i'm so stupid, why did i do that?

he sighs and i stop walking.

"i'm sorry, phil."

"for what?"

"for being an ugly presence."

he tilts my chin upwards because i was facing the floor and smiles.

"my mom used to say that the best people only can see this much of beauty in themselves. the rest of it is for someone else to see."

"but, there's no beauty in me." i whispered. i never would allow myself to say that if i didn't thought he wasn't listening.

"dan." he locked eyes with him. i never noticed how deep blue his eyes were.

and next, the whole world froze.

he kissed me.

i stood still.

his lips touched mine.

i didn't know how kisses worked so i let him do the thing.

he gently grabbed my neck.

i kept my arms on my sides.

he made me feel like i was the world.

to me, the world was gone.

"just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it's not real."

i mean, i had only kissed one girl in my entire life. but phil lester kisses good. and i'm totally down for him.

he intertwined his hand on mine and looked at me like asking for permission.

i nodded and we kept on walking and talking about the most random things we could think of.

i didn't think i would survive to this day. but i feel so more alive now than i did a day ago.

i don't know what love is yet.

but right now i'm pretty fine with this.

-daniel