dear diary,

i haven't wrote to you in the last few days.

i'm extremely sorry.

i've heard somewhere that the bad days are the ones you have to fake a smile and the worst days are the ones you can't.

this past days for me have been the worst.

i don't know what's wrong. i think anxiety gave a party in my head and depression was the dj. and i'm the guest they forced to go.

for me it has been those kind of days when you wake up curled up in your sheets and you don't have the mental strength to get up because you just feel so numb.

mom is convinced that i'm just going through a really bad flu.

thank god.

i wish it was has as harmless as that.

when mom got home today, she caught me off guard, watching tv.

"oh, you're already up. great. get dressed, we're having dinner at lester's and i don't want us to look sloppy."

i instantly panicked. i can't go and meet people like this. mom is going to kill me. i can't embarrass her.

i asked her if we really had to go.

she just assumed i was feeling better and turned away.

i'll just skip to the interesting part and to the part i realized i'm fucking stupid.

do you think i'm the most stupid person in the world? because i am.

phil had already followed me on instagram and twitter but i realized today i didn't know is last name because his name on his social media is simply 'phil'.

so guess who the lester's were and who looked like a total fool.

i guess you can put the pieces together.

when katherine opened the door i choked on my own spit and my mom had to pretend she was worried with me.

but the worst part was having to be alone with phil. martyn wasn't home.

i don't know why i'm talking like it's a bad thing, i just get really nervous around him and i don't know why.

before dinner, we talked about video games and how phil really liked the degree he took on english language and linguistics.

he must have noticed i looked a bit sad while he was talking because he asked me if i didn't like what i was studying.

"well, i have to like it."

he frowned and told me with a reassuring smile: "i think you should like what you do because otherwise it will make you sad."

phil says things that make me feel safe.

phil makes me feel safe. i'm still deciding whether that is a bad or a good thing.

but as always, something has to go wrong with me.

at the end of the dinner, mom spilled her white wine over me. i'm still figuring out if it was accidentally or not. it must have been, mom says i have to look good around other people at all costs.

phil walked me to his bedroom so he could borrow me a shirt.

well it happens that when i was shirtless, almost grabbing his lion shirt, phil walked in while saying something i don't remember.

we both froze when he saw the dark bruises on my ribs.

"dan. what's that?"

i quickly pulled his shirt over my head and looked to the floor. i don't think i've been so ashamed of myself my whole life.

as i wasn't looking, i didn't feel him approaching.

then he touched my side with one hand and with the other other he touched the bottom of my shirt.

i slowly looked up and, surprisingly, he wasn't giving me a sympathetic smile. he wasn't smiling at all.

"it's okay." he whispered to himself, slowly pulling my shirt up.

he softly touched my bruises, caressing them.

i stood silent the whole time. i don't know what i could say without ruining the moment. besides i was blushing furiously.

i don't think i deserve someone touching me like that. but, damn, it felt good.

"who was it?" he asked quietly after some time.

i lowered my gaze again.

i couldn't bring myself to tell him. he would pity me.

as if i wasn't embarassed enough, he pulled my body into his embrace.

"it's okay."

-daniel