📕Author: KyriaArtemisa_
📕Story Title: Reincarnated: Elemental Dragons
📕Critic Member: Critic Mentor Khalessi

📌Paalala ang mga mababasa mo ay pawang opinion at pag-unawa ng napiling kritiko para sa iyong kwnetong pinasa.

📌Panatilihing bukas ang isipan at huwag dibdibin kung may mga masasabi akong harsh. It may sound harsh when you read but I actually trying to say it in a gentle manner. I will try my best.

📌Ang mga nakasulat po sa baba ay opinyon sa kwento ng may akda hindi sa mismong tao na nagsulat nito.

📌May mga ibang parte po dito na pamilyar dahil ang iba ay dagdag bawas mula sa critique ko sa WSA. Congrats nga pala.

💥Book Cover:

Like what I've said in my feedback sa WSA, it is a really nice cover. It was one of the cleanest looking cover sa pa-contest ng org. But I think that the previous cover look more marketable. Mas malinis at mas mature sa tignan. May ibang elements din sa current cover na medyo unnecessary like the lines on the hair and the texture of the skin is quite off I guess. With that said,  hindi naman gaanong nakabawas sa impact niya. Pero siguro mas suitable siya kung mga batang readers ang target mo.

💥Title:

Also a nice title. Na-embody niya ang fantasy at talagang makaka-enganyo siya ng mga fantasy readers. The words on the title individually to be honest are too cheesy fantasy. If taken alone words like dragon, reincarnated  and elemental are a bit too overused that it has become a trope. Pero pinagsama mo sila and you created a whole new concept out of these tropes and you did a good job. 👍

💥Opening:

For the blurb nasabi ko na ito dati. Maganda, malinis at goal oriented. Kagaya rin ng sabi ko last time it was too much. Too much details, to much information. Sinabi mo na agad ang tungkol sa antagonist mo at tungkol sa pagkabuhay muli. Like it was already expected without anything left in the dark. Pati na rin ang part na na-disclose na agad ang potential love interest ng lead mo.

Bilang reader medyo mapakla na kapag babasahin ko ang build-up or ang mga subtle pakipot lines ng lead girl mo sa ibang character or sa mismong lead guy niya. Kasi aasahan at aasahan ko na sa fire royalty siya babagsak.

Para naman sa prologue it was a good introduction but it's a bit too long for an opening piece. Kagaya ng sa blurb too many disclosed information ahead of time. Especially sa antagonist mo at sa back story niya. Nabasa ko kasi siya at alam ko na may sariling chapter na natutukan ang history ng previous generation at na justify bakit nagkagano'n si Kikiro.

Pero pinangunahan mo na agad na na-state bluntly sa prologue. Mas may impact ang separate chapter kung medyo may mystery pa siya hindi ba?  So iyon nga medyo nabawasan ang anticipation ko at ang impact ng parang flashback chapter mo about kay Kikiro. It could've been a really great disclosure but you went all out on the opening.

You need to trust your readers. Huwag mo silang pangunahan. Magtiwala ka sa imahinasyon nila at sa kakayahan mo para sabikin sila. Hindi mo kailangan sabihin lahat agad-agad. Build it up with tiny details step by step.

💥Conflict/Plot
This may sound familiar kasi sinabi ko na ito dati but I will try to expound it.

Sa umpisa ng kwento medyo halata na may pagka-rough pa ang plot. Minsan ay nagbu-buffering muna ang utak ko para ma-absorb ang nangyayari pero eventually ok na rin. May iilang plot holes lang akong napuna.

📌Dahil nang nabuhay sila ulit sa bagong mundo, may ilang royalties na bumabalik na bigla ang alala sa past life ng walang struggle kaya na defeat niya ang purpose mo na gawing makabuluhan ang buhay nila sa mortal world.

I was really expecting that this will revolve on their struggle to remember their past life and try to reestablish their team and learn their true power. May parte naman sa kwento na nabasa ko rin iyan. Pero kasi nawalan ng kabuluhan bakit kailangan pa nila kalimutan ang past life nila at may drama scene pa about sa sacrifice and stuff pagkatapos parang BOOM ALL POWERFUL ROYALTY KA NGAYON GO AND PRACTICE MAGIC GO GO GO.

Lalo na kay Red. He lived his life in a rich mortal family. Tapos one afternoon may babae lang siyang nakita na gupat-gupat ang damit tapos sinabi na may kapangyarihan siya. Just like that boom!  Tinganggap niya na ang fate niya. Walang struggle, walang denial. Ok dahil fantasy siya sabihin natin na destiny na pinagtagpo agad silang tatlo para mahanap nila ang iba pa nilang friends but it all happend in a single chapter and there wasn't exactly so much depth to it. Lalo na dahil First person POV mostly ang narration so sana may hint ng personal struggle, denial or divine battle siya sa sarili.

📌May mga fight scenes din na kulang sa build up.Medyo hindi nabigyan ng tamang tension at justification ang pag-aaway dahil bigla-bigla na lang boom away na ulit.

I know that this should be an action/adventure/ fantasy. It doesn't mean that you have to throw in the action every chance you get. Kailangan suited siya sa pacing ng kwento. At may ibang fight scenes na wala naman talagang pwedeng i-contribute  para sa progress ng plot.

Another thing, sa mga unang chapters the good side had it easy. It's like they never even try. They just win for some reason. They don't die, they don't feel accountable for the damage they do. Take note nasa mortal world na sila. What makes staying in power so meaningful is when they have to be accountable for the people who aren't as powerful as they are. Medyo black and white siya eh. Like goodness wins and all the bad guys are loser. It lowers the stakes.

📌Tapos medyo na bother ako dun sa part na naghalikan si Red at si Rian dahil broken hearted si Red that same day. Na-turn-off ako ng very light dahil napaka-contradicting ng buong chapter. Kasi pinapahayag ni Red ang nag-uumapaw na pagmamahal sa isang royalty na mahal ang kalaban nila tapos napaka-heavy ng scene na iyo at bigla lang sasabihin ni Red na "mend my broken heart" boom halikan na. Walang tension, walang proper build up kaya nawawalan ng saysay ang mga heavy revelation kapag hindi napanindigan. You know what I mean here. Give him time to mourn and fully accept the fact na wala na siyang pag-asa. Give him a moment of epiphany where he realizes that Thyrian is truly the one for him.

(Pasensya na talaga kasi habang binabasa ko pinagsasabi ko parang ang maldita ko nga. Pero totoo gusto ko ang buong kwento. These are just things that I noted kasi kailangan pa ng refinements sa specific parts.)

I'm a big bookworm and I have encountered books that has dragons and royalties before. Pero kung sa mundo ng wattpad, iilan pa lang ang ganitong concept especially sa mga Filipino works. Marami ring feedback sa story mo na napa-wow dahil para sa kanila ay bago ang concept mo at nag-introduce mo talaga ng mabuti ang alternate universe na ginawa mo. I'm really encouraginv you keep your own style and stay true to the purpose of the story. Nakita ko naman as I read the latest chapters ang growth mk at nababasawan na rin ang mga errors at plot holes.

💥Setting/Characterization:

Pinag-isa ko na. Kasi sa isang fantasy piece a setting is as powerful as the characters themselves. You want them to grow and evolve like the characters do.

The settings for the dragon world was so indulging. Chos 'di ba! It truly was. Maganda siya kasi na- utilize niya ang fantasy world with a combination of different eras. Maganda siya maka-trigger ng imagination.

Para naman sa mortal world you actually lost me. Honestly I don't get the point why you need to place them in the mortal world if they can still do all the things they can do in different dimensions?  Mortal world hindi ba napapalibutan ka ng mortal?  Anong era ito? Nasa modern era ba sila or mediaeval or golden information age?  Bakit parang bale wala lang sa kanila na mag away-away?  Hindi ba nila alam na may mga mortal souls na maaring magdusa?  Bakit ang bilis nila magpalipat- ng lugar eh most times naglalakad lang sila eh?  May sasakyan ba sila?  Or na-learn na nila agad mag-teleport?  World ba talaga siya or isang comapct city? Bakit may mga templo at bakit may mga templo at gubat tapos biglang naglakad lang sila dumating na sila sa capital city?  Hindi ba nabother ang mortal na pamilya ni Red na may kasama siyang dalawang babae mukhang pulubi tapos wala nang pang-itaas si Red?

You see these are petty questions that I would ask. The reason for these questions was the tiny holes in the setting and the time pacing. Maliliit na detalye lang na pwede mapuna. Ayos lang 'yan kung panaka-naka pero kapag medyo padami ng padami ang maliliit na butas it can be a problem on the story execution it self.

For the characters naman, they are pretty lovable. Alam mo na rin siguro na si Red talaga ang bias ko. Napanindigan naman ni Rian ang ugali niya at napaka-complex din ng bawat tauhan. I'm just looking forward how you disclose the other royalties too.

💥Dialogue:

For the dialogue most of them is believable and very natural. Alam mo na rin siguro ang corect technical way paano ito isulat kaya hindi ko na siya idi-discuss dito. Baka naririndi ka na eh.

Let's talk about the dialogue itself. The things that you make your characters say.

Please take note that the manner of speaking should always correspond to the one speaking it and the circumstance.

May mga palitan sila ng salita na SOBRANG HABA but that's ok as long as it's reasonable. Like when someone is explaining their prophecy in a covert place. Pero kapag yung super long monologues habang nag-aaway?  Hmmm... tatapatin kita minsan nagki-cringe ako. Like c'mon they talk too much on fight scenes. Given na masyado nang maraming fight scenes tapos lahat pa sila nagdadaldal. It should be fluid and fast paced. Ang mental image kasi na lumalabas sa utak ko 'yong lumang anime series na Yugi-Oh!  (Tama ba title niya?)  Anyway alam mo 'cards cards lang gamit nila sa pakikipaglaban tapos like sinasabi out loud ang move, hp level, kung anong level ng card, at ngayon na tumanda na ako narealize ko na nakakarindi pala siya.

💥Point of View:

Point of view naman ay napaka-distinctive ng mga characters mo. Masarili silang boses at madaling makilala.

💥Show versus tell

The show technique was present. Maganda rin ang pagkaka-paint ng image especially sa mga later chapters na. May mga times siguro sa mga unang chapters na nakulangan ako sa show. Meron din na nasobrahan ako sa show.

When you appeal to the senses make sure to create an image that matters. Like a major frame in an animation. Sometime I think you try to compensate too much with the showing even when it is not necessary. There are certain things that you don't have to expound or state. Iyon lang.

Through the course of the story however I noticed the growth and a lot of improvements on the why you write. So I can't really complain. Great job.

💥Format of the text/Grammar and spelling

Sa technical aspect mo natalakay ko na ito sa WSA at may mga naiwan na rin akong inline comments for some of the grammatical errors.

Again kung hindi ka kumportable na gawin siyang English wala namang masamang gawing Filipino.

Just always remember that it needs to be a fluid transition.

Alam mo na naman ang mga kailangan itama sa technical side dahil halata naman sa mga updates mo na na-pick-up mo na talaga ang skill. I suggest na linisin na rin ang mga early chapters dahil may mga emojis at patong patong na punctuations pa rin siya huhu.

For the format, honestly speaking the chapters are so agonizingly long. Way too long. Some of them are two or three time to long. Minsan may mga chapters na makalat dahil hindi alam kung saan tatapusin. Again focus on the main goal of the chapter. Parang episode lang 'yan sa isang tv series. Keep it focused. Tip lang kapag nagsusulat ka ng mga online novels or articles keep it within 1.5k - l2.5k words per chapter. Sa mga traditional publishing kasi 2k-2.5k inclusive.

Kapag sa watty, most of your readers are mobile users. Kapag masyadong mahaba 'yan towards the middle of the chapter they will stop reading or maybe result to skimming. Nakakasakit ng damdamin 'yan kapag pinaghirapan mo isulat tapos magsi-skim lang sila dahil sa inip. Also cut all the fillers. It makes the chapter draggy. Kapag walang kinalaman sa progress ng plot or hindi mo naman kailangan as exposition or for future reference cut that scene. Edit ruthlessly.

💥Style:

I think that you stayed true to your chosen genre. Your style really appeals to young readers or maybe young adult and that is a good thing dahil fantasy adventure siya so hindi siya na out of bounds. Stay true to yourself and keep you own style.

💥Conclusion (strength and needs improvement):

Overall it was a story with a lot of potential. Even though the things I've said may suggest otherwise,  I think the story itself is enjoyable. Kailangan lang ng ironing sa mga rough parts at sa mga plot holes na napuna ko. It is not to weigh you down but it's actually to point the things that I know you can do better. Ito na rin ay para mas matulungan kita sa akda mo. Alangan naman i-disregard ko ang plot holes at puriin ka lang puriin edi wala tayong progress kapag gano'n.

Rating: 4.00

🔉Comment inline your feedback about my critic to the following category.

👑Very Satisfied

👑Satisfied

👑Not Satisfied

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Message from Khalessi

Sorry if this took forever to be posted. I hope na nakatulong ako. Sana po ay itake mo siya constructively because I really mean it in the gentle way hehehehe.

Keep on writing!  Fighting lang.

Posted by
Founder Seb