THERE HAVE BEEN very few moments in life when I've felt utterly displaced and out of my own body, like you know my soul stepped out of my body and I can watch myself who doesn't seem like me anymore. Power of self awareness was absolute, until it wasn't. The base which formed me was dwindling under my feet and I realised finally that nothing made sense. Maybe it happened on the night I went out with Callum. My brain, feeling so inconspicuous, was trying to bring together pieces which were so blurred that they didn't exist anymore. Just how I couldn't recognise the woman in the mirror, horrified and quivering in the bathroom. Everything which wasn't the ruthless racer I was known to be all my life.

When was the last time I went out for a drink?

Surely it wasn't a long time back with one of my colleagues from the office, Olivia Carson, but that was the only gin martini I had to celebrate her promotion.

Ugh. I felt like screaming out loud for Christ's sake. How could I get pregnant?

And why was this five minutes not ending? None of the three sticks were showing any results!

I stepped back from the mirror, away from the test results and kneeled down in the corner, my hands holding my face in near defeat. Breathing in and out slowly, I imagined what Theodore must be doing outside, in the room. How will this impact our already complicated relationship? Will he want to give up on 'us'? Maybe he should and probably he would. Afterall it isn't his baby.

My mind retracts to the box of my favourite Belgium chocolates which came along with the pregnancy test kits. How he didn't forget the smallest of details in such a troubling situation to ask the driver to bring chocolate even when I could see how shaken he was in my panicked state. All he did was let me hold his hands as my brain churned to figure out where it went reckless.

I don't know how long i found respite in that position but when i heard a soft knock, i knew the tests were ready in the sink and i had to stand up this very second before i decide to just not look at it and see what happens in nine month or just jump out of the bathroom window...

Another knock with my name this time. Concern coating his words. Was it real, my head spinned.

I got up before my already messed up head of no good enough use found another excuse. Skipping steps, I reached for the sticks.

Thump thump thump.

No red lines. All were blank. Nothing. My eyebrows pinched in sheer doubt.

"Why weren't you opening the door?" The door hit hard against the wall behind it as Theodore heaved at the entrance.

He saw the look on my face, I don't know if it was confusion or relief or both that I saw the air of knowingness pass over his face.

"You aren't... pregnant?" he shook his head, looking more confused than me.

"My breasts were swollen and aching. My period is late. Like 2 weeks, but I've always been regular. Like all my life." This small in my head voicing out how we have never exchanged such sort of words before. I deftly push that thought back. "I was feeling uneasy the entire day and above that i puked in the morning as soon as i reached the office-"

His eyes which were following my every small action zeroed as he asked, "Did you skip breakfast?"

"No...yes." I gulped. I did skip breakfast, I got queasy with an empty stomach in the car. i knew that, so did it. This file was misplaced and I couldn't find it anywhere, so I rushed to the office to find it on my desk. I remember the events of the morning as they were reels playing in front of my eyes.

Turning around, I let my head fall on the cool tiled wall enclosing myself in my arms. The realisation hits like a massive tsunami as a lonely sob escapes my mouth and my body shudders hard. I don't know if the relief was trying to crawl inside my body, so foreign but when I felt a warm hand on my back, so comforting my sobs broke louder.

"Come here," He said, positioning his arm next to the wall as he aligned his chest against my back and rested his hand over my own. Soon a blanket of warmth buzzes around me and I turn around immediately to let him hold me.

Sweat gathered on my upper lips and my cheeks felt viscid but he continued to envelope me firmly, letting his chin rest over my head. I don't take account of the time we devote like we were the two flaps of a soap box but when I pull back, I feel like I'm a new person with my head more clear but heavy, skin sensitive and eyes hating the bulb overhead.

.

That night when we lay in bed, the little space between us seems infinite. We both continue to look at the ceiling, waiting for the sweet embrace of sleep which doesn't seem to come. There were no more conversations after we got out of the bathroom. Not a single word. He went to his office room and I sat in our bedroom trying to read a book, the funny thing being if someone by-mistakenly asked me the name of the book, I'd go blank.

I let my gaze drift off towards his face, no expression resided there apart from a hint of him being lost in his deep thoughts. His high cheekbones carved to perfection and his beard made my fingers twitch. A sigh escaped on its own accord, submissive to the desires swirling in my head.

"I'm sorry-" And before I can completely let out the words, he shoots me a gaze which makes me feel like I have never known Theodore Raymond in my entire life. He looked so betrayed and pissed and angry and sad and so many other things but before I could figure them out, he turned over on his side blocking me off.

Now you know the reason why I won't sleep today.

***

Acceptance is a small quiet room.

~Cheryl Strayed

***

How have you been? I know that it's been very long but now we shall be hoping for weekly updates. I hope it lived upto your expectations. A hell lot of more drama awaits!

Also i would have LOVED to portray Lia as a pregnant wife and Theo would have been a loving husband but i really believed that they had a lot to discover about each other and I wanted to give them all the time in the world because they are eternal and i couldn't be unfair. Like i really was imagine cute scenes of picking out baby names and decorating a room but... Let's hope for that in the near future, shall we?

Ig: Perishhh_Awayyy

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