— "we're in a world
of pure injustice!"

NOVEMBER 5:
JEON JEONGGUK

==

coming back from his latest interrogation session, jeongguk feels empty.

it's not like he's necessarily sad, or even angry from all of these pointless police questionings (they've already gathered enough evidence to assume wonchol as the attacker, and each family has been notified of the situation): just blank. when he steps into a rain puddle on the street and water splashes all across the bottom of his joggers, he simply flicks his eyes up and continues walking. when his phone buzzes with notifications from his parents, asking if he's alright, what he's doing, is he eating well—he replies with nothing but a "fine" and a click of the power button. even the crackle of loud evening thunder doesn't faze him in the slightest.

lately, things seem almost unreal, like he's still in the process of waking up from a long, confusing dream. he's lethargic, unable to fully concentrate in his college classes. often times it's hard to keep a conversation with those around him. and that's the shitty part. hoseok, namjoon, seokjin, yoongi, and even jimin seem to feel much better than they did in useol, perhaps because of all the events that were happening around them; but jeongguk just can't. he can't feel better. it's like he's stuck in quicksand that is resilient in not allowing him to get back to his feet.

everyone is busy nowadays, too, which is reasonable; they've all missed so many days that the stack of work on their desks has practically tripled. but that doesn't mean to say that jeongguk is okay with it. i just want to...to grab dinner or something with my everyone. or watch a movie at the theater. hell, i just want to talk to someone.

the last time all six of them had been together in a place aside from the hospital was the night of the thirty-first, ironically enough. namjoon invited them all to his flat while mrs. kim and jae stayed with taehyung in the hospital, just to knock the nerves out of their system. and it worked. jeongguk can't recall the last time he'd ever laughed as hard as he did that night, just the slightest bit buzzed from alcohol and stale tortilla chips, or if his cheeks had ever hurt so much from grinning relentlessly. they shared embarrassing high school stories and sang off-key to decade-old ballads. and eventually, they cried. they spilled so many tears, pent up for weeks, and it was okay. they were okay. they all had shoulders to lean on.

jeongguk remembers a particular conversation from that night that resonates with him.

"i'm sorry," jimin had said, his back against the sofa as all of them sat on the floor, close enough to hear his quiet words. "for what i did that night, running after abraxas. it was selfish. i know that now. but i—i don't know, i guess i just...wanted to get revenge for everything it had done to taehyung, even at the expense of my own life. i was vengeance hungry. and i didn't think about the consequences, and i'm sorry."

"c'mon jimin," seokjin smiled. "don't beat yourself up like this so much. you saved hoseok, didn't you? and you got out of there alive. you made a stupid move, yeah, and there were probably better ways to save your situation, but you've learned from your mistakes."

"but i just..." jimin ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "it was dumb. so goddamn dumb. and it makes me so angry that i'm always that part of the group. the stupid asshole who can't get his shit together and keep his emotions in check. you know? and i guess i—"

"but you're also the guy who lost his best friend to something none of us understood," interrupted namjoon softly, "and we get that. no one blames you, jimin. you aren't the first person to let revenge get the best of them, and you're not the last, either. it's a natural feeling that allows us to make rash, stupid decisions, but the important part is that we learn from those decisions and understand the consequences that come with them. you put yourself in grave danger, and that jeopardized your safety. you know that, now."

"yeah. i do."

"we're past that now, okay?" hoseok said, grinning brightly. "we're all here, alive, and although taehyung is kind of really in a coma right now, he's still breathing. so we've done good. all of us."

a drop of rain falls from the sky, onto jeongguk's nose. he looks up, eyes squinting. it feels nice, almost: a reassurance of his surroundings.

"i used to think," jimin had said later that night, "that taehyung would always be my only true friend. that no one could ever help me the way he did, that i'd...i'd never be able to smile the way he made me smile, y'know?" he paused and smiled. "you guys proved me so, so wrong."

jeongguk exhales shakily and continues to walk.

==

fifteen or so minutes later, jeongguk arrives back at namjoon's apartment (rarely are any of them alone in their apartments nowadays, it's become much too lonely) completely soaked. he should've known from the way the clouds were so gray that a storm was coming soon. dumbass. quietly, he shakes off his sneakers and peels away his wet socks, fat drops of rain falling from his dark hair, and he places his dripping jacket on the coat rack nearby.

the t.v. is softly playing some comedy show when jeongguk walks into the living room. he turns to see yoongi in the kitchen, looking at his laptop: probably work from one of his online jobs. he's always felt a bit guilty for how hard his hyungs have to work, when all has to do is attend his classes and save a bit of money here and there. (so maybe he's lived off of microwavable meals, protein shakes, and his three hundred or so left food points for a few months straight because he can't exactly afford anything else, but it's nothing a job in the future can't fix.)

"hey, jeongguk—" yoongi looks up and immediately curses, laughing quietly. "damn, the hell happened out there? it looks like you just walked through a tsunami."

"got caught in a rain storm," jeongguk manages to say, awkwardly padding to the pantry and grabbing a towel. "i, um...i guess i didn't check the forecast."

"no shit you didn't. go take a warm shower or something, you don't want to get a cold—" yoongi stops, watching as jeongguk vigorously dries his hair, his movements choppy and disorganized. there's a clear unease on his face, and jeongguk knows it; he's always been the worst at pokerfaces, even when it feels like he should have one on.

"jeongguk." no response. "jeongguk!" finally, the younger perks up, turning to yoongi with wide eyes. "did you listen to what i said?"

"s-sorry, hyung, i wasn't...i wasn't paying attention, could you repeat that?"

yoongi narrows his eyes. "are you okay, man?"

"what?"

"you look like you're about to throw up or something. is everything okay?"

jeongguk shakes his head, fumbling and fidgeting with the coffee machine, he doesn't even like coffee, what is he doing, "what, no, i'm—i mean yeah, i'm fine, what! does it look like that? i'm fine, just kinda...cold, y'know, rain kinda does that to—"

"jeongguk," yoongi stands up, "dude, calm down, what's—"

"sorry, i'm just—" his elbow leans too far back and the keurig falls to the floor with a nasty crash. "ah fuck, shit, shit, i didn't mean to—"

"jeongguk—"

"i'll clean it up, i'm sorry—"

"it didn't break, jeongguk, relax and calm down—"

"and i've just been out of it lately, i—"

"jeongguk!" yoongi grabs his shoulder, spinning him around. "calm down! what's going on?"

"nothing's going on!" jeongguk yells abruptly, absolutely unintended, and yoongi's mouth clamps shut. "my—my hands are just wet, christ, it was just an accident—"

"i know, jeongguk, so why are you making a big deal out of it? why are you so uneasy and restless?"

"i'm not!"

"look at your damn arms, gguk, they're literally shaking."

"for fuck's sake, yoongi, fine! i'm not alright! but none of us are, so what's that got to do with anything?" jeongguk leans his forearms on the kitchen counter and takes his head in his hands, fingers clamping into his locks. "i'm still shaken up from wonchol's death because i knew him, dammit, i saw him everyday! he was popular, he—he bought me lunch when he saw my food points for the week had expired early, every professor loved him, he was happy. and suddenly i figured out he wasn't when he had a goddamn gun to my head! god, i—"

jeongguk clenches his teeth, fighting back fiery tears. "i don't even know, hyung. i don't know what to feel. i hated wonchol with every fiber in my being when he had us tied up in that apartment, yelling all this horrible shit at taehyung, but...but he was my friend. not close, but not a mere acquaintance, either, as much as i try to tell myself he was. and i'm just so confused, and i want to hate him, but he's dead and none of this was his fault but he was just f-fucking insane and i—"

he can't finish his jumbled words (which is probably a good thing, considering he's a mere moment away from tears) before yoongi has him pulled into a hug, rubbing his back and placing jeongguk's forehead on his shoulder. the moment he's in this embrace, jeongguk relaxes. he's needed this—consoling from someone, from the older brother he never had. "okay," yoongi murmurs. "i'm sorry, jeongguk. you've been hurting."

"i didn't want to tell anyone because—"

"because you thought your struggle wasn't worth speaking about?" jeongguk blinks away tears. "listen, jeongguk, you're allowed to hurt. you're allowed to feel sad and confused and angry because you're as human as the rest of us are. god, jeongguk, you've been isolated, kidnapped, beaten to shit: you have every right to speak out about your problems. don't compromise, okay? your struggles shouldn't and won't be considered invalid next to someone else's. pain isn't subject to only one person."

jeongguk exhales deeply, holding onto yoongi's jacket.

"wonchol's actions aren't your fault. that's on him. he still held a gun to your head and shouted sick words. but this situation that we're in, with abraxas and its destruction, is none of your faults. wonchol was just broken, and he channeled his emotions into something destructive, too. you understand? you didn't do any of this.

"i'm confused, too," yoongi quietly continues. "and this is something i'm going to live with forever. but we're going to get through this, okay? we've been through worse, haven't we?"

nodding slowly, jeongguk's eyes begin to blur. in moments, his shoulders are heaving, and quiet sobs escape his mouth. yoongi simply holds onto him tighter.

"it's alright, jeongguk. even a muscle pig like you deserves to cry it out."

==

when jeongguk wakes up, he's on the sofa, one leg crooked haphazardly over the cushions. it's a deep navy outside—probably eight or nine p.m.—, and the lights of the city are already bright and pulsing. he slowly sits up, rolling his tongue around the inside of his cheeks and yawning loudly. a thin blanket lies bunched up over his legs, presumably left by yoongi. he smiles.

his face feels stiff, and his throat is incredibly dry (after effects of a good cry), but he feels lighter, better. it's like the weight in his chest is finally gone.

god, min yoongi, you're a saint.

a few minutes later the lights in the living room flick on, and yoongi walks in."good, you're up," he says, running a hand through his hair. he's looking at his phone with clear urgency in his face. "we've gotta go right now."

"why?" jeongguk asks, his voice still groggy. "what happened?"

"taehyung finally woke up."

==

i know this week has been rly rough for lots of us, & ngl i've felt absolutely shitty the past few days
but i hope this update made your day at least a lil bit
even though it's fuckin sad goddamn box cHILL
but seriously i love u guys & you truly deserve massive respect and care. your mental health and overall well being is more important than anything else and never forget that. take care and know you are loved v v much!! <3