— "let's be best friends,
taehyungie!"

NOVEMBER 12:
PARK JIMIN

==

park jimin was six years old when he met kim taehyung.

he was knobby-kneed, big eyed, and short enough to crawl into the cubbies of his first grade classroom. when he spoke, his voice was loud and squeaky, with a slight lisp to rougher syllables. (his mother told him he'd grow up to be a fine, mighty man, so eloquent in speech, when the other kids teased him about it. jimin vowed he would.)

 it was the second day of school on a warm, humid afternoon,  with the joyful squeals of their playing classmates resounding all throughout the playground. jimin stood near the swings with a frown on his face. no one wanted to play four square with him—he didn't have front teeth, is all, his lisp wasn't even that noticeable anyway—, so he waited and watched the courtyard with a puff to his cheeks and a crease between his eyebrows.

there was a boy sitting near the sandbox, poking holes with a stick in his left hand. he was the color of a fried egg roll and jimin wanted to meet him.

"hi, my name is park jimin," he proudly announced after reaching the sandbox, chest puffed. (he liked to think his friendly introductions were his best social aspect.)

the boy the color of a fried egg roll looked up with squinted eyes and a crinkled nose. he had shaggy, brown bangs and bushy eyebrows, and there were a few moles on his nose that kind of looked like a smiley face if you imagined hard enough. jimin was good at imagining. he also thought the boy looked sort of ugly.

"okay," he sniffled, turning back to the sandbox and poking another hole. 

jimin stood, unsure of what to say next. step one of his introduction failed, so he needed at least three minutes for him to think up a plan. he was determined; playing four-square with one person is a bit boring, if not impossible, anyway.

"i'm bored, and you look bored too," jimin kicked a pebble with his foot, "so i'm gonna let you play four-square with me, because i'm really nice."

"i'm not bored."

"i'm really, really good at four-square! all the other people want to play with me, because i'm so good, but i'm asking you only because i'm really super nice."

"i'm fine here."

"okay, whatever," jimin shrugged, walking away. inside he was quietly dying.

it took a full twenty seconds for him to come running back.

"what are you doing, anyway?"

egg roll boy stopped moving his stick, exhaled softly, and turned his head to face jimin again. the undersides of his eyes were very, very dark, but his eyes were very, very bright. "why do you want to know?"

"because i'm the best four-square player in the whole universe and you want to poke holes in the sand instead of play with me."

"i'm not poking holes—"

"then," jimin grinned and plopped onto the ground, craning his neck to the sandbox, "what are you doing?"

"...don't make fun of me," the other whispered.

"i won't," jimin whispered back (hiss-yelled, since he had a very loud voice), "i'm really super nice."

"i'm drawing the stars."

"the stars?"

"the constellations," egg roll boy corrected, fidgeting with his sleeve nervously. "like...like ursa major, and orion."

"i don't know what that is."

"it's a constellation."

"i don't know what that is." before the other could answer, jimin hopped into the sandbox, careful not to destroy the "constellations". "do you like stars?"

"i like them a lot."

"i like them too! so we should be friends."

egg roll boy immediately looked up again. he wasn't squinting anymore (because jimin wasn't standing directly beside the sun), and his nose wasn't crinkled. jimin decided that he wasn't very ugly at all; he just had really weird expressions. they could get along, then. jimin had weird expressions too.

"...okay," egg roll boy hesitantly said, slowing connecting a line between two holes in the sand.

"what's your name? mine's park jimin."

"i know, you said it was." he managed a small smile. "my name is kim taehyung."

"okay!" jimin grinned. "you're tae now."

"what? why?"

"because kim taehyung is too long to say."

"you just said it!"

"so, tae," jimin dug a hole into the sand, humming happily, "which con-stall-shun should i draw?"

==

park jimin was twelve years old when everyone embraced him and left kim taehyung behind.

the lisp in his voice now was far from prominent, gone with his baby teeth. he wasn't the shortest in his class anymore; far from, actually, and his high-soled track shoes helped him enforce this. and yeah, okay, maybe he still hadn't lost his baby face yet, but his dad taught him how to use the elliptical at the gym so at least his legs look somewhat impressive (puff the chest, puff the chest).

"one of these days, 'm gonna puke," one of jimin's track teammates groaned as he stumbled into the locker room after practice. "you gotta tell coach to chill, park. you're the only other one with enough power."

"please," scoffed jimin, wiping his forehead with a towel. "as if the geezer would listen to me."

"anyone would! you even managed to convince the lunch lady to wear two hairnets, remember?"

"that was a dare, anyway. and i can't just—"

"chim chim!" the nickname was suddenly heard faintly from the hallway outside the locker room, reducing the boys to absolute silence. jimin's heart pounded frantically in his chest; it was taehyung. he forgot to tell him that practice had ended early. taehyung always waited for jimin's practice to be over since they left school together, but he forgot to tell him, shit, i forgot to warn him!

kim taehyung was abnormal. strange. weird. he was the oddball of their grade, the scapegoat of every prank, every rumour, every crude joke. when taehyung screamed during a power outage in second grade, crying for someone to close the blinds to the monster standing outside the classroom window, the kids decided he was fishing for attention. when taehyung came into his gym class with sickly skin and dark eye bags, the kids decided he was a druggie, or some sort of stupid night owl. when taehyung didn't speak a word, the kids spoke for him in tenfold.

and all jimin did was watch. 

"ugh, your insane fanboy stalked you here, park," a boy snickered from the back. jimin quickly stuffed his belongings into his bag, hoping that, somehow, the gods out there would grant him automatic telepathic communication to taehyung at that moment. tae, leave, leave, idiot, leave.

 "let's bring him in here," and suddenly jimin whipped his head up, wide-eyed. "let him meet his idol, since he's so obsessed with him."

"i'm friends with tae," jimin mumbled, trying to shove through the mob of sweaty boys. "he's—he's not obsessed."

"you're too nice for your own good, jimin."

"just leave him alone. it's pointless."

"got him!" a boy suddenly emerged from the locker room door with taehyung next to him, his eyes downcast and fingers fidgeting nervously. the boy's grip on the top strap of his backpack allowed him to pull taehyung this way and that, herding him through the humid room like a rag doll. "jeez, what's this guy weigh? he's just bones at this point."

"surprised he isn't already in a mental asylum," another piped up, and jimin's hands curled into fists. 

"didn't you hear? the principal tried sending him to one, but his stupid parents kept him here. the guy can't even stand up without losing his breath."

"well, let's ask him." they all turned to taehyung in mock anticipation, watching as he slowly brushed his bangs away from his wide, dull eyes. "so? is it true? or are you just mental?"

taehyung turned to him. "let's go, jiminie," he said quietly, prying away the fingers of a boy gripping his arm. his expression was pleading, hopeless; he'd been through situations like this plenty of times before. dealing with them wasn't unfamiliar to him. "my mom will be here soon."

"y-yeah, coming—"

"aw, really, jimin? you're way too soft. take a joke."

"i'll ask coach about reducing practice times," he blurted, watching in relief as the locker room erupted in new chaos. it was easy to switch their attention from one subject to another. the door closed with a deafening thud behind them as jimin and taehyung left into the hallway, out the doors, down to the road where mrs. kim would come pick them up. 

"sorry about that," jimin cracked a sheepish smile, hoping it would be enough. he always found himself wishing like that, though he always gave the same half-assed apology. "they can be real pricks sometimes."

taehyung was silent. his expression was unreadable, even more so when he pulled the hood of his thin jacket over his head (it was seventy degrees, he wasn't cold). he was uncharacteristically quiet now; usually, when things like this happened, he was quick to give into emotion and rant through clenched teeth, or balled fists. "it's okay," he whispered.

jimin felt like he was going to puke.

"they didn't mean it," he tried, swinging an arm over taehyung's shoulders playfully. "you know, peer pressure and whatnot. they just say whatever the first person said. it's not—"

"jimin," taehyung cut off softly, and the sky grew a little grayer. 

"yeah?"

"i think i want to be home schooled from now on."

jimin's arm fell limp to his side, mirroring the drop of his expression. 

in retrospect, it was his fault. he didn't stand up enough for taehyung, stick with him through thick and thin, not just when it was convenient. he should have become a reason for him to stay, to persevere. yet here his best friend was, leaving him in a school that unanimously loved park jimin, and somehow he just felt so empty.

"okay."

==

park jimin was sixteen years old when he turned against kim taehyung, too.

he remembers it was something stupid, too, something completely arbitrary that he turned into a huge deal. his circle of school friends had invited him to the cinema for a movie, and through extreme—extreme—persuasion, jimin managed to coax them to allow him to bring taehyung along. both the kim parents were out of town, and he wasn't going to leave taehyung alone at his home (that could only lead to a worst case scenario, from past experiences). it was a feat by itself that he somehow even accomplished this; he hates to admit it now, but jimin's high school friends were complete jackasses.

the evening was warm and windy, neon lights of the theater pulsating in jimin's vision. he turned to a worried taehyung beside him and offered a smile.

"they won't make fun of you, okay? i'll make sure of it."

"what if they do?"

"they won't."

taehyung bit his lip anxiously. "...okay. thank you, again. you didn't need to tr—"

he stopped abruptly when a voice called jimin's name, and a tall boy—with hair bleached so heavily that the roots looked painted—waved eagerly.  "jimin! hey, over here! we already bought the tickets, just slip me cash later."

then, when he gave the tickets, jimin watched taehyung freeze up in his peripheral vision.

"we'll meet you inside," jimin called to the boy, gesturing him to go inside. taehyung swallowed audibly as he looked at the fine print of the movie ticket. "hey, what's wrong tae? you look sick as hell."

"i just..." taehyung was shaking now. "jimin, i-i can't, i can't watch this."

"what? what do you mean, you can't? why not?"

"i mean...i mean i can watch it, but i-i don't want to, it's too—"

"what?"

"it's a horror movie, chim chim!" taehyung hissed desperately. "you know i can't watch those things!"

jimin's gut dropped in realization. oh goddammit. how did he forget? taehyung had been through this countless times before. obviously after being tormented day after day by some demon he had yet to discern if a hallucination or not, he'd stay far away from any sort of horror movie. and his friends (yeah, "friends") explained the movie choice before they got to the theater. yet somehow, everything passed completely over his head, as if his best friend of sixteen years didn't mean jack shit in the equation. 

but at that time, jimin didn't feel guilty for not remembering. in fact, he felt something akin to...frustration. his eyes glossed over the ticket once more, then up to taehyung's expression. "you don't want to watch it?"

taehyung's expression flickered into guilt. "well, i—no, i don't, but i don't want to make you miss the movie. i just...i can't watch this, jiminie. you know i can't. here, how about i sit in the concessions area until you're finished? or i can...take a cab home—"

"no, you're not going home alone," jimin exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair in irritation. "so you're just not going to see this movie? this one stupid movie?"

"i'm sorry, jimin. i'll wait for you, i told you."

"but that's not what i'm concerned about." jimin jabbed a finger to the door behind them in rising anger. "i fought to take you here, tae. i fought. i fought those damned guys to bring you here because you never go anywhere without me and i felt bad, man, i felt bad! i felt bad because you never get to go anywhere! but now you're just completely disregarding that and i'm just irritated. the one time i get to take you with my friends and you won't even see the movie because you'll get scared?"

taehyung's eyes flashed in anger, and the wind rustled against them. "you had kind intentions, jimin. i know. and i'm sorry, i am, i'm so damn sorry that i-i can't see this stupid movie because—you're right!— i'm just being a coward, huh. but i don't need pity. i don't want to be that burden you feel obligated to take wherever you go like some sick puppy."

"i wanted to take you! don't turn this against me! but how am i supposed to do that when you're acting like this?"

"for christ's sakes, chim, what do you want me to do? you know better than anyone the kind of shit i see everyday! the kind of shit i have to put up with, and i don't even know if it's real or not! how can you make me see a horror movie despite that?"

if jimin had thought to calm down, maybe he would have notice the sting in those words: but he was never good at controlling his anger, anyway. "i told you, i'll wait," taehyung continued, his voice weary. "i just can't watch this movie with you guys."

there was a pause of heavy silence before jimin fished through his pockets to retrieve two things: his phone, which he quickly typed something on to, and his keys. taehyung blinked in surprise. 

"let's go," jimin said.

"what?"

"we're leaving. i told the guys something came up and we had to go."

taehyung shrunk into his hoodie. "why?"

"because," jimin spat, pushing past his best friend, "you're not going alone to an empty house."

the car ride back to the kim establishment was long and silent, with only the quiet radio as a barrier between them. jimin wasn't yet used to this; they'd only fought a few times in the past, and the feud only lasted for a few hours before one of them came rushing back in tears. as the knuckles of his hands turned white from clutching onto the steering wheel so hard, jimin stared dead ahead at the road, refusing to glance at taehyung. (eventually, he did; the other was curled against the door of the car, lips tucked into a tight line, expression hidden from his view.)

eventually, jimin pulled up to the lot of taehyung's apartment complex, cutting the engine. slowly, taehyung released his buckle with a deafening click against the silent air. it was awkward, the way their movements were so forced, and it wasn't like either of them would be able to escape from each other's presences.

taehyung shifted in his seat to face jimin, only parting his lips when the other turned towards him. and suddenly, park jimin felt like the biggest asshole to ever set foot on this planet.

"i'm sorry, chim," taehyung muttered. 

wait, why are you apologizing?

"i guess i take you for granted, huh? i never stopped to think that i'm always being a burden to you. you always have to look after me like i'm some sort of idiot...like i can't even breathe by myself. i didn't even let you watch a damn movie tonight because of my fears. i'm...i'm sorry, jimin, you shouldn't always have to keep—"

"it's not your fault."

"i'm the one who made you miss that movie, jimin."

"but it isn't your fault you have to see that monster everywhere you go," replied jimin, "and it isn't your fault you have to take all those pills, and it isn't your fault that...that you get scared over horror movies. i should have realized that, i guess. i'm just—i was frustrated, y'know, because i never get to take you anywhere with my friends and—"

"i don't need to be around your friends," taehyung said, smiling slightly. "that's not what makes me happy. i'm happy hanging out with you and you only."

"...i'm sorry, tae."

"it's okay. i am, too." there was bit of comfortable silence before he spoke again. "that was hard for your massive ego to apologize, wasn't it?"

"aw, shut up kim," and they were laughing again. that's what jimin loved about taehyung. he never let a fight drag on too long before he pulled you back in with jokes and a rectangular smile.

after the car was silent again, taehyung breathed deeply. "you know the real reason i hate horror movies so much?"

"why?"

"because i know exactly how the characters in them feel."

==

park jimin was seventeen years old when kim taehyung taught him one last constellation.

"the columba," taehyung whispered from his sleeping bag, pointing a lazy arm at the skylight above them. jimin's room was always the best for indoor stargazing like that. "it's my favorite one. people say it symbolizes peace, you know. eternal happiness. look, it's those six stars right there, and that cluster around them. do you see?"

"that? across from the moon?"

"yeah, that one."

jimin leaned back onto his elbows and hummed thoughtfully, his head tilted. "what's it supposed to be?"

"a dove."

"it doesn't look like one."

"if you think hard enough, it will," taehyung smiled. "didn't you say you have a good imagination?"

"not for constellations. i think they're confusing."

"then why do you stargaze with me?"

"because it's with you, idiot."

==

park jimin is twenty-one years old when kim taehyung leaves him for the second time.

for a moment, time seems to halt completely as the gunshot of the bullet echoes through the unmoving air. it's a loud, persistent sound, ringing through his ears and shaking him deep to his core. jimin can't feel anything. everything around him is a swirling mass of water, like he's drowning and near the ocean bed. as taehyung collapses to the ground, jimin doesn't quite register it. he's as numb as he'd been all those days before, when taehyung croaked those few words with heartbroken eyes.

suddenly, abraxas is howling. jimin gasps in confusion and turns against the wind with squinted eyes, straining to see the monster's writhing, shadowy body. it screams louder than he has ever heard before, staggering down the cobblestone path, as narrow strings of blood begin to seep from its body. jimin is in complete awe. he's never seen abraxas look so vulnerable, so defeated before. all the times it had mercilessly tormented humans, chased for eons after them, chased after even jimin himself —now, abraxas is in their situation. it feels the pain it has caused on others for as long as time has been.

jimin narrows his eyes against the wind, struggling to make out the fuzzy image of abraxas: and then he sees it. abraxas is disintegrating. from the side of its head—the same place taehyung placed the gun to—, the smallest particles drift and disappear into the foggy air, like the seeds of a dandelion in spring. it's a contrast that has jimin shocked beyond words. he knew something along these lines would occur, that abraxas would exit this realm once and for all; but seeing it, physically witnessing it firsthand, throws his mind into a rollercoaster.

eventually, abraxas is but a stumbling figure, vanishing into thin air from all sides. and suddenly, mrs. kim screams.

"taehyungie!"

jimin glances to his sprawled body on the ground—and with a heavy drop of his lungs, he realizes taehyung is disintegrating, too.

 it's hard to see from the wisps of grass tangled around him, but once his mother screams with the ache of all eight of them combined, they realize. "jeongguk!" hoseok shouts, his voice desperate. jeongguk quickly turns to them, the desperation evident in his actions, and faces back to taehyung. in an instant, he's sprinting to the other and grasping hopelessly at the particles escaping from his body, and then seokjin and  yoongi are running, and then namjoon, and jae and hoseok and mrs. kim and—

and jimin can't move.

even when abraxas is but a mere echoing shriek left in the night air, gone from the planet it had demolished for ages, not a trace to be seen. even when mrs. kim sobs faintly in the distance, her cries so recognizable, and when jae is but a shaking, weeping figure. even when taehyung—his golden, best friend, kim taehyung—is hardly a handful of particles escaping away from the grass, glowing faintly like fireflies or—or like stars, like the constellations jimin has grown so familiar with. 

jimin breathes. he looks to his hands through a blurry vision as thick tears fall to his palms.

he was prepared, wasn't he? before anyone else, he knew that taehyung would die. if anything, he's lucky. the demon who had tormented thousands of people before him is gone, now, because of taehyung's choice. the world is peaceful, now. except jimin can't help the ache in his heart and the tremble of his body. 

kim taehyung is gone.

jimin screams. jimin screams so loud his voice is the only thing he hears, screams so loud his voice feels like it's bleeding, screams so loud that maybe, hopefully, he'll bring his best friend back to tell him to be quiet, chim, you moron. yeah, jimin thinks with a stuttered laugh amidst his choked shouting, that's exactly what taehyung would say. 

he stops and turns upwards at the night sky above him. columba. there it is, right across from the moon. 

people say it symbolizes peace, you know. eternal happiness.

with the little energy he has left, jimin cries.

i think, taehyungie, you're finally at peace.

==

me, showing up after dropping 2 of the most emotional chapters of the book onto yall without warning:

hi guys this was 3.9k words of pure A N G S T but that aint new to this godforsaken book
speaking of, we have only a few chapters left before this shitstorm gets over!! yall!! it only took!! tw o ye a r s!!!!
bye im outta here pls dont put pitchforks at my door xoxo