"This is all a mistake..." He eyes me as if I just stabbed him in the back. For the last thirty minutes spent in the bathroom, all I did was think of what will happen if my parents knew about this, tears flowing down my cheeks mixed with cold water and shampoo that didn't quite reach my scalp. I wanted to stay there forever but I knew he was waiting for me outside.

"What, no! Why are you saying that?" He had his hands crossed behind his head but he sits down and pats the spot beside him. I choose the furthest place to sit on the bed. "None of it is a mistake. We were just having fun Josy."

While I fidget with my hands, his eyes land on me, and the way he waits for my answer patiently is so frustrating. I know from his tone that he's being his true self. But how could he be so cool about this whole thing?

"But I lost my virginity Shanon. There's no turning back now. Is this all fun to you?" For some weird reason, my voice is low, not like I intended it to be and my eyes remain on the floor, as if I have no control over my body parts anymore.

"I lost mine too." He gestures to his chest while talking. "I will never get it back." He scoots over to me and puts his arm on my back to which my body automatically flinches. "Don't worry about it. No one will know if we both keep quiet. I promise."

"That's not the point. I'm a girl and you know how things are in my family. Purity is not something to be messed with. You knew I was vulnerable, and you didn't stop. What will happen now if I get pregnant? Huh? Have you even considered that as an option?" I feel a strong urge to just slap him and get as far as possible. This is all new territory and it feels so weird talking to Shanon about these things. As bad as I wanted and imagined myself deeply in love with him, and him doing the same, this is not something I had on my to-do list.

"So now you're you blaming me?" He stands to his feet glaring at me, throwing his hand in the air, eyes darkening and brows creasing. "Have you forgotten that you were the first one to kiss me? Don't act all innocent and shit! This is what you wanted. I know you've been craving it for so long. The way you look at me when I'm with your sister, and how you were basically eye-raping me in the pool, I saw it all. I only gave you what you asked for so stop whining about it and acting like you didn't enjoy it. I know you loved it and will let me fuck you again! "

My body freezes in place as if a bucket full of ice is thrown on me. Heat drains from my body but the bit of warmness I feel is from the burning tears that start racing down my face.

"You know what? Great speech!" I clap three times as I stand in front of him. "Here you are Shanon Berkley with your true facade. But I guess it has always been like this, I was just blinded. I was so stupid to fall for you and think you're so cute and charming. But I was wrong all the way. You're just like all of them, you only step up to get laid then when it's all serious, you run like a chicken. Fuck you and fuck the day I fell for you!" I didn't realize I was shouting until my voice cracks at the end. His expression changes again to the neutral Shanon one, as if the devil just left his body, as I turn on my feet ready to get away as fast as possible.

"Wait, you know I didn't mean it like that, Josy, come on!..." I can't hear the rest as I turn around and start running to the front door with all my might. I can hear his footsteps behind and him calling my name among other things but my sobbing and crying makes everything intelligible. It is when I almost run into the glass door that I see my father standing on the other side. I wipe my face before he pushes it and enters.

"Where are you running to?" I look into dad's mint green eyes and I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

A flash of my childhood passes in front of me, one where little me spent a lot of time with dad, where he told me stories and gave me advice and encouraged me to be who I am, to be good to people, and to make him and mom proud. I could never forget our time together, as he was my hero and had such an impact on me since childhood.

The flash disappears gradually showing once more his worried eyes and I almost throw up at thought of him seeing a glimpse of what I'm thinking on my face.

"Jojo, are you crying?" He puts an arm on my shoulder and looks me deeply in the eyes. This nickname will be the death of me. It carries the last drop of innocence I have. I hear a throat being cleared behind me.

"Josy's not feeling too well. We were about to have a walk, right Josy?" And he has the nerve the lie to my father? I abruptly turn to him, blood flooding my veins and glare at him for a good ten seconds. His eyes look apologetic and begging and I hate this rationale part inside of me that thinks straight. He just saved me from the situation.

"Yeah, right..." it's all I mutter before I squeeze out of the door, not bothering to wait for him. "Is she okay?" I hear my dad ask and the curious part of me rolls its eyes at the lie that's about to come out of his mouth.

"Yeah, you know women and their mood swings. It's probably that time of the month, don't worry about her. I'll take care of her." After that, he runs after me.

"Wait, Josy, why the rush?"

"Lies won't keep you on your feet for long." I say firmly, my voice tight and short and literally walk as fast as I can, hands crossed in front of me. He keeps on walking on my side, but his legs are so long he doesn't seem affected by my strides.

"I know and I'm so sorry. I'm trying to satisfy both of you and your dad here." He keeps on looking at me, searching for an answer as he walks by my side. With every step I take, I feel anger rushing to my brain because I could still see him in my periphery.

"Look, I know I fucked up big time but nobody's perfect. Every one makes mistakes. Ever since our kiss, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Whenever I see you, it's all I could think about. It's what keeps me up at night. You're just too beautiful and I've been struggling to keep my hands to myself." I can see the shore welcoming me from afar so I keep the same pace, craving some fresh summer breeze.

"Do you not trust me? I'm your cousin, your best friend! We're teens Josy, we're bound to have fun, to go on adventures, to make mistakes. This is the perfect time for it. Are you even listening to me?" He stops and lets his arms fall to his sides.

"How could I trust you after what happened today? No amount of words will fix the shit you did, so stop trying." I walk past him and stand in front of the sea, never once looking him in the eyes. Wind blows in my clothes so hard I wish it can take me with it.

"No! No I won't stop trying. You know why? Because I care. Because I'm your cousin, and I will never let anything happen to you. And if I was the cause of some problem, I will solve it myself. Because I love you Joseline. I love you so so much."

A wave crushes at the shore so loud I could feel a thud in my heart. His assertive voice and the confidence it carries begs me to believe him and just give up. My heart beats so loud and fast I swear I thought it was on loudspeaker. Those three words, the ones I've always dreamt that he would say them to me in all honesty, travel with the wind unnoticed. They travel so fast and away I feel like I haven't tasted them at all. They're tasteless, void, like they don't fit in my heart.

"Didn't you hear me? I just told you I love you!" His voice still has an edge to it, still loud but kind of squeaky.

"Keep telling yourself that..."

With those words, I turn around and head back home. Tears are brewing in the center of my eyes but I wipe them away and continue walking.

If we're playing with purity here, I will have to trust my mind, not my heart.

•••••

"What happened today with Shanon?" My sister asks me, as I take my suitcase from under the bed and open it on top of it.

"Nothing." Absent mindedly, I start to shove my clothes in it in a mess. I sort of reached a peaceful state where my brain isn't thinking of him and all I have in mind is getting away from here, from the beautiful mistake.

"Then why are you gathering your stuff?" She hufs and sits down on my bed, the perfectionist in her refolding every piece of clothing I throw.

"I'm going home. Debby comes tomorrow from Italy." I gather my hair brush, my soap and toiletrie bag and tuck them on the side.

"Why are you going today? Wait till tomorrow, at least we could spend the rest of the day with Shan-" She takes my bottle of perfume and starts sniffing, as if she smells perfume for the first time.

"NO! I'm going today" I snatch the bottle from her hand, annoyance creeping up to my brain and she eyes me with suspicion. "I...uh...want to surprise her with some homemade pastries and I will get some snacks from the grocery store."

"What is it with Shanon? Come on, you can tell me."

"Nothing Julie. What's there to be?" I zip my suitcase and bring it to the floor, looking one last time at the room to make sure I didn't forget anything.

"You've been acting strange lately. Whenever I join you guys, you act so weird, like you want to hide something."

Maybe if I ignore her and act all chill, she'll let go. I drag my suitcase and head to the door but my victory doesn't last long.

"Holy crap!" She yells behind me and I instantly see alarms going off inside my head. This is not good. I stop walking and inwardly beg the Lord she isn't right this time.

"Holy fucking crap, Josy, you had sex with him didn't you?" The speed at which I let go of the handle of my luggage and hurry to cover her mouth is impossible to count.

"Shhhhh, they'll hear us!" I shout whisper.

Her eyes go wild as she sees me just standing and covering her mouth, and not defending myself. Her eyes scream 'are you fucking kidding me?' But she still has her mouth gaping, with no sound coming out. She removes my hand and I take some safety distance from her, closing the door with my foot.

"How could you? Josy are you out of your mind? What if dad knows?"

"If you keep your voice low, he wouldn't."

"How are you so chill about this? Oh my God!" She takes her hand to her face, massaging her temples and pacing the room.

"How are you so chill? Didn't you do the same?" She yanks her head towards me, eyes rounder than the sun and face paler than the beige floor. We share a knowing glance and she quickly turns her head.

The door opens suddenly and mom appears in front of it. Dead silence falls between us, my sister looking at me, me looking at my mother, both of us trying to gulp down the tension in the room.

"Are you okay girls? I heard screaming." She combs through her wet hair and ties it, looking at both of us once at a time.

"Are you fighting?" She asks again when none of us spoke.

"Oh, no mom, we were just talking, and teasing each other." I'm the first to get over my phase and reply. She looks at me, and I see her eyes go down further to my side.

"What's the suitcase doing here?"

"I'm going home mom, I'm meeting with Debby. She's traveling again in a couple of days so I have to go home first to spend some time with her."

"But honey, will you be okay on your own? Do you want Julie to come with you?"

"I'm sure she wants to stay here..." I glance at her and give her a knowing look, to which she furrows her eye brows instantly.

"Are you sure you girls are okay?"

"Don't worry mom, we're fantastic." With one last glance her way, I drag my suitcase and exit the room and the house after it.

A/N: heyyyyy guys! I can't believe I have finally posted a chapter. This is a book I started with no planning and I find difficulty writing each chapter so bear with me :) But woop woop! I'm happy I updated and I hope you enjoy it. Please do VOTE and COMMENT if you think it deserves. And if you want, SHARE it with your friends, it'd be awesome.

Thanks for sticking by. Much love. ♡♥